Posts Tagged ‘fantasy’

0a

1 of 5 Human-Fuck-Toy Stars – The Automation by some stupid pen name. And edited by some asshole who constantly breaks the fourth wall and comments on this stupid fucking story. Explaining just how stupid it really is.

I did not finish this book. I just couldn’t. It was that bad. I read the first few chapters, hoping for something great, because the premise of the book intrigued me. But the chapters I read were so bloody disappointing, that I had to just skip to the last chapter, and find out if any of this book was really worth reading. Turns out that it wasn’t. It wasn’t even worth skimming the rest of it to see if there was any nugget of goodness in it. Because I knew for certain that the author was just too goddamn stupid to write anything remotely satisfying.

I mean, it was like this book was written by a goddamn teenager, or something. Because all the dialog in this book is about who is fucking who. Or who likes who. Or damn, The Who sure is a good band, or something. I don’t fucking know. It’s just teenage garbage. But it’s not the usual teenage garbage, you see. No, this is garbage that is pretending to be interesting. But trust me, it’s not interesting at all.

Of course, I felt the same way about the Twilight books, but at lest they had some form of substance. Not much, mind you. But at least it was something. This book… All the dialog is just so fucking pointless. And the characters all talk and act the same. It’s like the author never figured out how to actually write distinct characters. He (or she) just wrote dialog of him talking to himself (or herself, or itself, or whatever). Where’s the fun in that? I mean, yes in effect, all authors are writing dialog of themselves talking to themselves, because they really are every character in the book. It’s called imagination. Look it up.

But no. Not this cunt (or dick). No, this jackass just said fuck it, and literally talked to themselves throughout this whole book, without ever thinking of actually making any interesting or unique characters. No imagination whatsoever.

Oh wait. That’s not true. The premise of this book is actually quite interesting. Certainly more interesting than the goddamn book, that’s for sure. It’s about humanoid robots. And the gods who made them. And the masters of the robots. And arguments about who’s going to have sex with the robots first. Because what else are humanoid robots good for, really? You can only tell them to make you a fucking sammich so many times before you want to bend them over the coffee table and fuck their brains out. I know these things. The toaster gave me a dirty look one time, and I showed that toaster who’s boss. Right in its dirty little toaster asshole.

But a good premise does not make for a good book in this case. It’s just false promises, and broken dreams. The premise of this book is like the trailer for that stupid fucking Fantastic 4 movie. It looks oh so polished. So much action and intrigue. I’ve got to see that fucking movie. Then they fuck you in the drive-through. Because you go and watch that movie, and it’s total fucking horseshit.

So don’t fall for the sexy robot premise. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end, you’ll just get your dick toasted. And nobody wants that. Trust me, I know.

Advertisements

0green

3 of 5 Boring-Virgin Stars – The Vision by C.L. Talmadge.

This book is a fucking soap opera. This guy’s banging that chick. Some other guy wants to fuck some dude. And of course, there’s plenty of surprise relationships that aren’t surprises at all. Oh noes, that chick is that dude’s daughter. Who the fuck cares?

This story is mostly about royalty and politics. Some military doctor chick is tasked with saving a prince who had a heart attack. Everyone just assumed he was dead. And he was for a few minutes, but the doctor chick brought him back. Now he’s a zombie prince. Yay!

But wait, this doctor chick isn’t even royalty. What the fuck is she even doing on the grounds? That’s sacrilege! Arrest her at once! And so they do, and like a third of this fucking book is dedicated to her trial for stepping on sacred ground. A capital offense. Really? You’re gonna put some hot chick to death because she stepped foot in your secret garden? That’s fucking retarded.

Of course she’s convicted, and sentenced to death. But come on, she’s the main character in this story, and frankly, the only interesting one. She’s not going to fucking die. You can do all the preparations you want. Put her in a cold cell naked. Torture her all you want. She’s not going to fucking die. So it’s really a wasted attempt at suspense.

Because at the last second, with her head on the chopping block, her long-lost father, Lord James comes to the rescue. Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away, man. No surprise whatsoever. Lord James takes her to his large house in the country, and pampers the shit out of his long-lost daughter.

But Helen is having none of it. “Fuck you, dad! I can take care of myself, thank you very much.” But Lord James has his man-servant drug her, so she stays in bed, like a good little girl. But eventually, she heals up enough to go on being the good doctor, attending to the sick and ailing royalty.

I really didn’t like this book. Not because it was poorly written, though. It was very well written. With amazingly vibrant characters. Especially Helen. I fucking loved Helen. She had some spunk. Even though she was a virgin. Why do they always have to be virgins? Being a slut is way more interesting.

No, the reason I didn’t like this book was the fact that nothing actually happened in it. It was just gossip and rumors and politics and bullshit. Nobody died. Nobody got fucked. It was all just innuendo. There wasn’t even any real back-stabbing. I’d expect some crazy back-stabbing from a fucking soap opera, but with this story there was none. And that lack of conflict made the story boring as fuck.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0curse

4 of 5 Never-Ending-Story Stars – The Curse of Senapin by Daniel Waltz.

Holy shit, this book was long as fuck. 529 goddamn pages. What really pissed me off was the fact that they weren’t useless filler pages. All those fucking pages were filled with actual story, man. It drove me crazy. I tried skipping like twenty pages and had to go back to find out what the fuck happened. Because this book is fucking relentless with its world-building and story-telling. It just wouldn’t let up.

This is the second book in The Water Travelers series. It’s about A-A-Ron and his love pal, Madi, who end up on an endless adventure because A-A-Ron gets horrible blue balls one night, while laying next to his cold-as-a-fish girlfriend. I mean, you can only lay there for so long, staring at those sleeping boobies, and tight ass, until you have to excuse yourself and spew jizz all over the bathroom mirror.

Once A-A-Ron wipes down the mirror, he decides to go on a walkabout to a pond nearby, because he just has to know if he can still travel through water. You see, in the first book, these two love-birds thought they had destroyed the magic orb that was supposed to control the ability to water travel from Earth to A-A-Ron’s homeland. So, he just had to know…

And is promptly captured on the other side. Because his family fucking hates his guts, because he’s a goddamn traitor to his kind. He was supposed to kill the girl, for fuck’s sake, not dry hump her face. Goddamn teenagers these days… So yea, he’s captured, and tortured. Well, not really tortured, because he’s still the fucking prince. But still, he had to endure all the bitching and moaning. All the, “I expected so much more from you…” bullshit.

Madi wakes up and finds A-A-Ron missing. Oh noes! But she comes downstairs to find her granny’s ex boyfriend chatting away over breakfast. And apparently, granny is a water traveler whore as well, because this guy is also some big and important water-traveler alien. And he helps Madi travel through the pond to go rescue the guy she sort of likes. Because, whatevs. I guess we can save A-A-Ron.

Harsh words were spoken, but eventually Madi and the granny banger escape with A-A-Ron, and they meet up with some sort of wizard, or keeper, or god, or whatever. Who knows. The guy is like a narrator to the story. He knows everything and explains all the lore that doesn’t make any sense to any reasonable person.

Because seriously, this book was written on crack, I swear. The wizard explains to the group of travelers that their land is cursed, and they must find the cure. But what is the curse? I mean, does it like kill people and shit? Oh, no. That’d be kind of cool. No, the curse is nothing. It’s bullshit, really. It’s just like people will say that you’re hot-tempered. Well, that’s just the curse. Or maybe you’re ugly. Yeah, if it wasn’t for this curse, you’d be sexy as fuck. Yeah, right. Bullshit.

And what is the cure for this curse? Something good. Yeah. This lore-master wizard explains to the group that they must find something good. This will cure the land of this horrible curse that isn’t really a curse. Something good? Seriously? This is a damn fine sammich, but I don’t think it’s gonna cure no curses, man.

So then they travel to a flying forest, filled with monkey people. I told you this book was written on crack. Many battles ensue with monsters and giants and monster giants and flying bat people. Then a huge giant cat-frog descends from the heavens and saves everyone. Well, he’ll save them if they’ve got some cat food, that is.

There’s so much happening in this book, it would take me three hundred pages just to write a proper synopsis for fuck’s sake. I mean there was a hot air balloon ride. A hostage negotiation with a billionaire. An epic gladiator battle in a huge colosseum, old Roman style. It just goes on and on. And it’s fucking awesome.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0ddd

5 of 5 Nerd-Gasm Stars – Judgment Night by Nick Pollotta.

This book seems like it was created by a bunch of nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons. Even though there really were no dungeons or dragons per se. Because this book is a constant barrage of action. Seriously, I felt myself breathing heavy and sweating just from reading this fucking book. It was such a workout!

There’s this private detective who finds himself fighting werewolves and vampires for no apparent reason. It was just a random case that turned out weird. Then these super hero Bureau 13 agents show up and thwart the supernatural weirdness. And of course, they offer him a job. Because they already have a priest, a couple of mages, a ninja and a beefy military guy with guns. But they don’t have some random P.I. with a pistol.

And this random guy turns into their leader. I really have no idea why, because he really is fucking useless when it comes to fighting monsters. Sure, he can bark out orders like nobody’s business, but anyone can do that. It doesn’t take any special ability to scream, “Pink Turtle formation! STAT!”

After they recruit Mr. Random Guy, the story cuts to a while later, when it’s business as usual. They’re on a fishing trip, just minding their own business, when a huge monster bursts out of the water. A huge battle ensues which I assume took many dice rolls to complete. Then, the 13’s are off to find their secret headquarters. Which is really secret, because even they don’t know where the fuck it is.

You see, Bureau 13 is fucking huge. It’s like a secret FBI, or something. With many divisions and operations. It’s not just these five D&D nerds. But this story is centered around these guys, and thank God for that. Because if there was any more to this book, it would go on forever. Because fuck, man. There’s so much happening with just this rag-tag bunch of nerds, I can’t even imagine what would happen with the whole Bureau involved.

The nerds travel to New York, where they think they might find their headquarters. A huge nuclear explosion goes off and tears New York a new asshole, and tosses the nerd’s impenetrable RV into some apartment complex. They escape on foot, off to find their secret base. And they come across monster after monster on their short journey through town.

When they finally do find their secret base, they’re briefed on the whole plot thing. Apparently, a scary cloud is on its way to destroy New York. I mean, it’s going to destroy what’s left of New York. But how do they even know that? It’s just a cloud, out in the ocean, minding its own fucking business. Who the fuck knows. Don’t ask questions of the Dungeon Master, okay?

The nerds set out to stop the scary cloud, and find a mysterious island directly below it. They eventually find out that it’s the long-lost city of Atlantis, or something. And it’s filled with countless monsters to fight, and puzzles to solve.

I couldn’t possibly break down this entire book in a review. It just goes on forever, even though it’s a fairly short novel. There’s just so much action packed into the pages, it’s mind-boggling. And I loved it so much. Never a dull moment.

I’ve never actually played D&D, and this book doesn’t even mention D&D, but somehow it made me want to get together a bunch of nerds and play D&D. But something tells me that without Nick Polletta as the dungeon master, it wouldn’t be near as much fun as this book.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0witch

3 of 5 Ghost-Buster Stars – Alicia Bewitched by Nick Iuppa & John P. Mendoza.

It took me forever to get through this book. Usually it only takes me a couple of hours to read a 300 page book. But not this one. Because the first half of it was so fucking boring, I had to stop every so often, and do something else.

This book is about Alicia and her husband battling the evil James Bond villain Tiger Joy. The first half of the book is very repetitive. It’s just Alicia pining for her husband, who’s trapped in Tiger Joy’s prison.

It literally takes Alicia and her friends half the book to finally find a way to get her husband out of the prison. I really wish I had started this book at the half-way point, because after Carlos is free of his prison, the book really picks up, and finally becomes interesting.

This is a multiple-orgasm type of book. Not because it’s particularly erotic. It’s because this book has something like five goddamn climaxes. Alicia and Carlos keep having these epic battles against the evil James Bond villain. They kill her, but that doesn’t really matter. She just comes back as a ghost. Which isn’t very surprising, because Alicia herself is a ghost.

And a witch. And a shape-shifter. Wait, maybe that’s her husband. I don’t fucking know. It seems like everyone in this fucking book has some super-powers or another. Witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy, and of course doing fun ghost tricks.

Like when Alicia gives her husband head. And his cock goes through the back of her fucking skull. Because she’s a goddamn ghost. I really don’t get how the living have sex with ghosts, but somehow they manage it.

I really hated the first half of this book. But the second half made up for it. It was quite the joyride of action, once Carlos was free. Because Tiger Joy is a persistent little cunt. And she even has a sister named Kitty, who can turn into a cat and sit on Tiger’s lap, like a real James Bond villain. Isn’t that cute?

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0sf

4 of 5 Snarky-Wizard Stars – Storm Front by Jim Butcher.

This book is fucking awesome. It’s so witty and funny. And ridiculous. I mean, if you were a wizard, a real wizard, would you really go into business as some kind of private detective? Put an ad in the fucking yellow pages? That’s retarded. And funny as hell.

This book is about Harry Dresden. A professional wizard working in Chicago. He does in fact have an ad in the yellow pages. And a sign on his door that says, “Wizard For Hire!” Like anyone is gonna take that seriously. You might as well put a sign on your door that says, “Crazy Retard For Hire!” Because that’s what people are gonna think. That you’re a crazy retard. Because magic isn’t real. Everyone knows that.

Except that it really is real in this version of Chicago. I mean, nobody knows it’s real, except Harry. But whenever unexplained things start to happen in Chicago, people come to him for help. Because he understands the things that normal people don’t understand. Because he’s a fucking wizard. Deal with it. **SUNGLASSES**

After it’s established that this book is indeed silly as fuck, Harry is hired by some woman who thinks her husband is losing his fucking mind. Harry finds out that the husband isn’t really losing his mind. He’s just high as balls. Magic balls. Of course.

Then Harry gets a call from a chick he totally wants to bang. Karrin Murphy who works for a special ghost-busters unit of the Chicago PD. And also doesn’t know how to fucking spell ‘Karen’. Apparently, she found two dead bodies with their hearts ripped out. It’s black magic. Or something. So obviously it has something to do with that wack-job Harry Dresden.

And then there’s like vampires and shit. And warlocks. And demons. You know, the usual supernatural garbage. I mean, yeah, the story is pretty stupid and simple. And it’s borrowed from every other fantasy type book. But I don’t fucking care. This book isn’t awesome because of the fucking story. It’s awesome because of the characters. The fun, witty banter.

So what if the story basically comes down to burning up a meth house. It’s like Jim Butcher just took a standard Chicago PD case, and threw in a wizard. For shits and giggles. And it worked. I giggled so much, I think I shit myself.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0dark

3 of 5 Emo-Hades Stars – Dark Souls (Divine Darkness #1) by J.N. Colon.

Hades leaves the Underworld to go back to high school as a hot, brooding teenager. This has got to be a laugh riot, right? Not so much. In fact, it’s not even a little bit funny. It’s just silly, is what it is.

It’s silly because Hades goes to high school to retrieve some souls that escaped the Underworld, but he gets distracted by a shiny thing. A hot and shiny cheerleader. And he pines for her like a goddamn puppy dog. It’s so retarded. Since when was Hades such a sensitive faggot?

He roams around school, devouring random souls, like you do. Like the monster he’s supposed to be. But then Hartley wanders by and he just starts stammering like a pimply faced freshman. He must have her. But lo, what is this? She’s got a fucking boyfriend? Nooooooooooooooooo!

And then Thor shows up to the same goddamn high school. Hades is all like, “What the fuck man? Get your own goddamn high school.”

And Thor goes, “Hey bro. I’m just trying out for the football team, man. I hear they gots some fine ass cheerleaders at this school.”

Okay, so it’s not really Thor. It’s Hercules. But Thor’s more cooler. So, fuck you.

But Thor’s not a goddamn pussy, like Hades. Thor goes right on up to Hartley, Hades’ favorite cheerleader, and flirts with her mercilessly. Of course, Hartley’s boyfriend doesn’t take kindly to some Norse god hitting on his girl, especially when this book is about Greek gods.

After some harsh words, Hartley and her boyfriend finally do break up. Then, Hades swoops in for the kill. To finally finish his job, and take her soul back to the Underworld. Wait, no he doesn’t. Because he’s a goddamn pussy. So, he just starts stalking her. Following her around town. Hiding in her closet, and jacking off while she does her fucking homework.

I don’t understand this book. It’s a very uncharacteristic portrayal of these well-known Greek god archetypes. I mean, Hades is the good guy, and Thor (Hercules) is the bad guy? How does that make any fucking sense at all? It doesn’t. It’s fucking stupid.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook