Posts Tagged ‘fantasy’

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3 of 5 Mary-Sue-Got-Married Stars – A Glimmer of Guile by Mary Patterson Thornburg.

This book is a very standard fantasy tale. A young girl is sent on an impossible quest, with only a few friends to guide and protect her. All she has are her wits, and her ‘guile’ to carry her through her journey, to find the kidnapped prince, or whatever.

‘Guile’ is how this book refers to magic. But not everyone has guile. Most find their guile sometime near puberty. The perfect time for a life-sacrificing journey. I’m just sayin’, good thing there weren’t many boys around.

Vivia, our young heroine, gets on a ship, to travel to Maal, where this so-called prince is being kept. Or so she hopes. I mean, nobody really knows where the fuck this guy is hiding. Hell, maybe he just ran away. Young princes often do such things.

Onboard the ship, she bumps heads with the captain. He’s a big, nasty bastard, and wants to sell her into slavery, or something. One can only hope for sex slavery. Vivia, of course, takes offense at this and hatches a nifty little scheme to get the nasty bastard thrown overboard and eaten by sharks.

She uses her guile to make a phantom image of the captain, and he promptly has a heart attack, because he’s such a scary guy. Yea, right. I can see being taken aback a bit, after seeing a phantom image of yourself coming at you, but come on man. How scared can you be of yourself?

Vivia’s evil plan worked, and the ship carried on to Maal, where Vivia bumped into some shady characters who promised that they had the same goals in mind, to save the prince. But really, they wanted to kill the evil witch-bitch that ruled the land with an iron fist.

Vivia’s power grows out of control. She pretty much kills everyone. Evil, good, funny lookin’, it didn’t really matter. For a moment there, I could have sworn that she was turning into an evil bitch-witch herself, but sadly, she didn’t. She got married, and lived happily ever after. Goddamnit to hell.

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5 of 5 Mind-Fuck Stars – John Dies at the End by David Wong.

I hate to tell you this, but John does not, in fact, die at the end of this book. No, he dies in the middle of the book. But then he comes back to life. Because, zombies or whatever the fuck. Don’t ask me to try to explain this book to you, because it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

It really is the most brilliantly-written nonsense I’ve ever read. I couldn’t get enough of it. I read every goddamn word, my eyes glued to the page. Was it because of the amazing characters? Or a fascinating story, perhaps? Not really. It was just the most unpredictable Roller-Coaster ride I’ve ever been on. And I loved every second of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that the characters, or the story, are bad. They’re just fucking weird. The whole story is just one long acid trip, as far as I can tell.

This book is about David, and his friend John, who are paranormal investigators of sorts. Because one day, at a party, they took some acid, or ‘soy sauce’ as they call it. They call it that, because it’s black, and kind of indescribable. It’s some kind of alien substance, that has a life of its own. If you don’t want to take it, that’s fine. It will find its way inside you, somehow.

Ever since they took the soy sauce, they can see monsters, and ghosts, and strange things happening in their town. So every time something strange happens, they are called upon to help. And let me tell ya, something strange happens in their ‘Undisclosed’ town all the fucking time.

After John is supposedly killed, David is arrested. He thinks he’s in big trouble, until his friend John calls him up and explains that David is not really being detained. John says that that big guy who looks like a police detective, isn’t really there. He tells David to just walk out of the police station.

So he does, but then his phone starts to die. So, John tells him to buy a hotdog at a street vendor. “Okay, now put the hotdog up to your ear, like a phone. And talk to me, man.” David does this, and is amazed that the hotdog does indeed work as a perfectly good phone. Because John is just inside David’s head, you see.

So, David sets out to find John’s killer, still talking on the hotdog-phone, with mustard drooling down his chin. “Dude, can I just eat this hotdog? I’m really hungry, man.” David asks his dis-embodied friend. “Fuck no. You eat that hotdog, and I’m dead, dude,” his friend replies.

The book goes on like this, with David fighting off monsters by himself, until he is finally reunited with his dead friend. Then they get to kill the big boss-monster. After going through a portal to a different dimension, of course. In that world, all the girls are naked, and they all worship David and John, as you do. Because they are the chosen sacrifices to their real god, the boss-monster.

I told you this book was a big fucking acid trip. It makes absolutely no fucking sense, and yet, at the same time, it’s bloody fascinating. It’s just rain wreck after train wreck.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s one of my all-time favorites. The book itself has crept into my brain, just like the soy sauce. It has infected me, and I’m glad for it. At least I don’t see ghosts and monsters yet. That would suck. I’d hate to have to solve everyone’s fucked-up problems.

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2 of 5 Title-Is-More-Interesting-Than-The-Book Stars – The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul by Douglas Adams.

Douglas Adams is one of my favorite authors. I absolutely love the Hitchhikers series. But, this book… This Dirk Gently series is complete garbage. It’s very disappointing. I really wanted to like this series, but I just can’t. And to think, they actually made a British TV series out of these books. So sad.

I distinctly remember when I first read this book. The wife and I waited in line at the bookstore, in 1989. We both got a copy, because there was no fucking way I was going to wait for her to finish, even though it only took her a couple hours. About two chapters into my book, I turned to her and asked, “What the fuck is this book about?”

“Hell if I know,” she said. By that time she was on the last few pages, and still didn’t have a clue what was going on.

The book starts out about an airport that explodes for no apparent reason. It was an interesting set-up. But then that part of the story is completely set aside, once Dirk Gently is introduced. You would think that once the titular character shows up, the story would really get going. But no. It drags.

It turns out that the best part of this book is Dirk’s refrigerator. And his couch. Both are fascinating. But, the characters, or the actual story? Not so much. So, fuck Dirk’s refrigerator in its dirty asshole. Preferably, on his fucked up couch.

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4 of 5 Just-Let-Me-Die-Already Stars – Sunwielder by D. Wallace Peach.

This is a great book. An epic story, which reminds me quite a bit of The Return of the King. But instead of wizards and magic, this book has a strange kind of time travel. A device that is given to a young farmer, to change his path. To alter his past, and his future.

The story starts with the young farmer, Gryff, living his happy life, on his farm, with his wife, and the rest of his simple family. Then, men come and burn his world to the ground. They kill his entire family. Even raped his wife, and hung her up, naked in a tree. Gryff finds her, and buries her. Then, he lays there by the stone grave, dying of his own wounds.

He wakes up in some old woman’s cottage. Her own granddaughter laying dead, next to Gryff. She nurses him back to health and gives him the Sunwield. It’s a medallion that she places around his neck. She explains that, if he wears this medallion, that he can change his path. He can roll back time, to save his loved ones, and in the process, save her granddaughter as well.

The old woman and her people sort of remind me of Native Americans, in their belief system. They’re very Zen, and spiritual. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit, if she was a total pot head. With wind chimes, and dream catchers hanging in her cottage.

Of course, Gryff doesn’t understand a goddamn word she said. He figures she’s just some raving lunatic. But he’s at least grateful that she saved his life. He tries to get some rest, and when he wakes, he finds himself back at his farm, doing his chores. Gathering eggs, and such.

What the fuck is happening? He has no fucking clue. He’s not aware of the Sunwield at all. He has no control over it. It just saves his life over and over. There’s like 30 notches in this Sunwield. So, it’s like 30 lives. Every time something bad happens, he can feel it getting warm on his chest, and then time goes all wobbly, and switches back to before everything went wrong, giving him an opportunity to change his future.

But what good is such a device to a simple farmer? None at all, really. So of course, I’m not really surprised when soldiers come to his farm, and force him into service for the king. Because war is coming, and they need all the bodies they can get. Plus, Gryff is a horse breeder, so he agrees to go with them, to train the horses they purchased from his farm.

Gryff makes the perfect soldier, because he is pretty much invincible. Whenever he dies, he gets to come back to battle with forethought of what’s to come. So he quickly raises in the ranks, and soon has command over 600 horsemen.

So, what I’m saying is, this book turns into a medieval version of All You Need Is Kill. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you. It still makes for a great story, full of love and hope and valor.

I really enjoyed reading it, even though I could tell as soon as he met the old woman’s vibrant and alive granddaughter, he’d end up ditching his wife. I mean, he really didn’t have much choice. The Native American chick was a warrior, and he was thrust (heh, I said thrust) into battle with her. What else were they gonna do, play patty-cake?

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3 of 5 Dirty-Slut Stars –  d4 by Sherrie Cronin.

This book has the stupidest title. I mean, ‘d4’? What the fuck does that even mean? If someone is browsing through amazon, looking for a book to read, why the fuck would they even click on that title? It’s meaningless. It doesn’t tell me anything about the book. I don’t know how this author is able to sell any copies of this book. Maybe there’s a subliminal ‘FREE BEER’ message hidden on the cover.

This book is about a dirty slut named Ariel, who works as a liaison for an investment firm, which develops software and hardware for investors who make high frequency trades. I know, every part of that sentence is boring as shit, except for the ‘dirty slut’ part. Ariel is not, in fact, a mermaid, as one would surely assume (because of The Little Mermaid, duh). But she does have a special gift. She can see the future.

Big fucking deal. Everyone in this goddamn book has some kind of amazing gift. Most have some kind of precognition, but others can astral-project, or communicate telepathically, or even morph into a completely different person. But here’s the problem: none of them do a goddamn thing with their amazing abilities. Okay, one guy does, but because of it, he’s seen as the book’s only villain. He uses his future-telling ability to make tons of dough in the stock market. Come on… I mean, anyone with that kind of ability would do the same fucking thing.

One of the reasons that Ariel is such a dirty slut is that, apparently, precogs can enhance their visions by touching each other. Each time she meets one of her clients, she shakes their hands, and immediately recognizes the precog ability. Our villain, Baldur, sees Ariel’s ability as well, and he finds that touching her would make his visions, and his trades, much more accurate.

Of course, he tries to rape her. Because, he’s naughty like that. But mostly, because he absolutely NEEDS her touch to reach his goal of owning the entire world’s wealth. She escapes, because she can see the immediate future. But Baldur is not easily avoided, since he is her best client. So the next time they meet, he slips something in her drink, and takes what he believes is his right.

But he still wants more… So he eventually ends up blackmailing her to be his personal mind-slave.

Then, there’s this whole plot thing. Some precogs are able to see way into the future, and it turns out that in 2352, the human race becomes extinct, from some nasty plague. So, throughout the book, there are several characters who are dedicating their life to find out a solution to the distant future. How to save the human race.

So they go to Mars, as you do. Because, of course, there’s no plague on Mars, right? It’s said that the plague isn’t man made. It’s a natural occurring pathogen. So what makes them think it won’t happen on Mars? I don’t fucking know.

Ariel gets to be Queen Slut of Mars, and everyone ends up happily ever after. Great. Thanks a lot. Now I’ve got to go write some goddamn Little Mermaid fanfic, where people actually use their fucking super-powers.

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4 of 5 Giddy-As-A-Schoolgirl Stars – Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson.

Just about every time I read about about heroes and villains, I usually end up rooting for the villain. Because villains are fucking awesome. They destroy entire cities. They kill anyone who even tries to oppose them.

I’ve always known that, if I had a choice to be a hero or a villain, I’d chose villain every time. Because they’re just more fun. And they always get the bitches. Heroes have to hide their identity. They have to work at getting pussy. Fuck that shit.

I mean, think about Superman. That poor guy never gets laid. Because he has to live his life as fucking pathetic Clark Kent. And Spider-Man has the same damn problem. He loves Mary Jane, but he just can’t close the deal, because he doesn’t want to see her get hurt…

It fucking pisses me off. Why can’t superheroes grow a pair, and just be who they are, instead of hiding from everyone. Sure, that paints a target on your back, but when you’re motherfucking Superman, who the fuck cares? Nothing can hurt you. So, grow a pair and get some bitches, you stupid cry-baby fuck.

This book is about a world overrun by superheroes. But they’re not superheroes. They’re all supervillains. Because that’s how it’d really be, if the world was riddled with so many people with amazing powers. They would rule the world, no question.

I’ve never understood that part of the whole X-Men conflict. In the X-Men world, the mutants are scared of the government. They hide themselves, so they don’t get locked away and experimented on by Men in Black. But come on… That’s just not realistic. X-Men could rule the world, easily. But they don’t. Because they’re cry-baby little pussies.

That’s why this book is so goddamn awesome. Their world is ruled by supervillains. In fact, the government even made a law that states that any Epic has immunity to any law. So, they can rule with impunity, without anyone even trying to fuck with them.

But there’s still a select few who challenge the Epics every so often. A group of people who call themselves the Reckoners. The group is made up of a bunch of rebels who are sick and fucking tired of being ruled by asshole supervillains. So, they stalk the night and take out as many Epics as they can. Usually sticking with the minor Epics who can actually be killed.

Then, our hero David joins their ranks. He’s been studying the Epics since his father was killed 10 years earlier. David has compiled a bunch of notebooks which detail certain weaknesses in various Epics, which would make them so much easier to kill.

But of course, the Reckoners tell him to pound sand. Because, conflict. But then, David tells them about some of his research, about the Epic’s weaknesses… And he’s in the club! Yay. This bit seemed very forced. I mean it was so obvious that he would make a perfect addition to the team, that any of their objections just seemed fake and silly. And that just distracted me from the story. Because, I had to suspend belief for that bit. It just wasn’t genuine, and it pissed me off just a tad.

And the swearing… There’s so much fucking swearing in this book. But it’s kind of a young adult book, so there aren’t any real swear words. They say things like “Oh, calamity!” or “Sparks!” or “Shut up, you stupid slontze!” This was another thing that drove me crazy, and distracted me from the story. Again, I had to suspend belief like every other fucking page. Because, goddamnit… People don’t fucking talk like that. Sure, one guy might talk like that, but EVERY TIME SOMEONE SWORE??? Every goddamn character used those fake swear words. It’s just fucking bullshit.

But still, the story was fucking awesome. The slight flaws were made up by the awesome story and characters. I read this book, because after I reviewed The Last Superhero, I was extremely pissed off that there really were no superheros, or even supervillains in that book. With Steelheart, there’s Epics to spare, and I fucking loved it.

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1 of 5 Fucking-Bullshit Stars – Bimbos of the Death Sun by Sharyn McCrumb.

I read this book, hoping for bimbos. Because, goddamnit, there’s fucking bimbos right there in the goddamn title. So, you’d think there would be plenty of skanky-ass bimbos in this book. But no.

Don’t get your hopes up. There are absolutely NO bimbos in this fucking book. Not one. I mean, unless you count geeky fangirls as bimbos, which I certainly don’t.

I mean, come on… We all know what bimbos are. They’re hot, big-breasted women, who are dumber than a box of rocks. If they’re smart, they’re not bimbos. If they got itty-bitty titties, they’re not bimbos, goddamnit.

More to the point, this book isn’t even ABOUT bimbos. Or even a motherfucking ‘Death Sun’, for that matter. It’s a goddamn murder mystery. Set in and around a fucking comic con.

It seemed like this book was just an excuse for the author to make fun of sci-fi and fantasy fans. Because that’s really what this book is. It’s about how fucking pathetic those fans are, sitting in their mom’s basement, eating cheetos, and getting fatter by the minute.

Of course it doesn’t just make fun of the fat-ass guys, it also makes fun of the fangirls who write pathetic fan fiction, and would do anything to just be seen with an author. I mean, anything.

Come on, man. Don’t bash those poor girls. The world needs fangirls who just happen to be total sluts. Without them groupies, what’s the point in writing fantasy and sci-fi? To get rich? Please. Those books don’t sell.

Maybe that’s why this skank author decided to write this book. Because she was sick and tired of watching her fellow authors get panties thrown in their faces. Awww, you poor dear. Eat a bag of dicks, you stupid cunt.

This author needs a good deep-dicking. So, to all you dirty dogs out there… The next time you’re at a comic con, wipe those cheeto crumbs off your shirt and throw that nasty never-been-washed jock strap in this bitch’s face. Maybe you’ll get lucky.

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4 of 5 Roller-Coaster Stars – The Society of Imaginary Friends by Kristen Pham.

I’m pretty sure that most kids experience imaginary friends, from time to time. Especially us geeky types, who didn’t have many real friends. You could always count on your imaginary friends to cheer you up. They would give you reasons not to kill yourself. Or at least, make you feel guilty enough not to do it. Because, they loved you. And even imaginary love is worth sticking around for.

This book tells the story of imaginary friends that really do exist. I mean, they exist elsewhere, on another planet entirely, but they project themselves to earth, like a hologram, to enrich children’s lives.

These imaginary friends, and their world, are full of magic and wonder. Sometimes, they find children on earth who are capable of amazing magic themselves. But the magic will kill them if they stay on earth. Because, reasons.

This story is about a young girl’s journey to this other world. Because, for some reason, Valerie’s oh so special. Bad guys from the other world are sent to attack her, but Valerie’s magic makes her a natural fighter. She turns into a She-Hulk and destroys anyone who tries to stop her.

Okay, she doesn’t really turn into a She-Hulk. But the rage wells up inside her, and her power just goes berserk, and… Goddamnit. It’s just easier to say she turns into a fucking She-Hulk.

And of course, there’s the dreamy boy-toy who has been sent to protect her, on her journey to the other world. But then, Valerie is whisked away to the Globe, in the first ingenious mode of transportation in this book. She’s hurled through outer space in a bubble, that she steers with her mind. So, of course she gets lost immediately.

That’s one of the coolest parts of this book. The unique modes of transportation. From magic tunnels, to magic wind portals, to bending space and time… It’s just amazing and creative.

Valerie finally does find her way to this magical land, where there are even more bad guys after her. I never really did figure out why the fuck everyone is after this girl. There’s really nothing that special about her. Sure, she’s a She-Hulk type fighter, but so what? I mean, she can bring people back from the dead. Big deal.

It’s just like… This whole book is an adrenaline rush, where the characters are always running for their life. Someone is always out to get them. But why? I just can’t figure that bit out. Why do they want to get this girl? I kept thinking that there would be some reveal in the end, about how she’s some kind of legacy, or prophecy that must be stopped or something… But no.

I loved this book because of its amazing world building, and vibrant characters. I actually cared what the fuck happened to this girl. I didn’t know why I cared. I just did. Because these imaginary friends are real, goddamnit. They’re real to me, at least. Don’t judge me!

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3 of 5 Not-So-Digital Stars – Digital Heretic by Terry Schott.

At the end of the first book in this series, The Game, I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute, this is a game within a game, isn’t it?’. And sure enough, with this book, that’s what it is.

Our hero, Trew dies at the end of the first book. Well, he was mostly dead, anyway. His body was only kept alive by machines. But, guess what happens in this book? Go ahead, guess. Do you think he’s really dead? Or does he just wake up suddenly, as if by miracle?

You guessed it! He’s alive and well. Yippie! Who the fuck cares? Jesus tapdancing christ. If you’re gonna kill someone, fucking kill them, goddamnit. I fucking swear, everyone who ‘dies’ in this fucking book ends up just coming back, refreshed and spry as ever.

Anyway, this book is about the ever-growing conspiracy, about who can manipulate The Game. Because, there’s this prophecy, or something, that when Danni dies, The Game will end. If that happens, then all the players around the world will drop dead. Really dead. Not this bullshit come-back-to-life dead, I mean real-life dead.

Okay, fine. So, pull all the players out of the goddamn game, already. What’s the fucking problem? Just shut down the game, before Danni can die. Pull her out, along with everyone else. End of conflict.

But, I guess that’s just too goddamn easy. Instead, most of this book is about an evil programmer who ended up becoming The Game’s Lucifer. And he’s systematically killing off players. Oh noes. Big fucking deal. If they die in the game, they just wake up in real life. So, why should I shed one fucking tear? It’s not real death, it’s not even real conflict. it’s just fake make-believe computer-generated conflict.

Fuck that shit. Give me some real goddamn conflict, for fuck’s sake. Give me something to actually care about. Not just this fucking intrigue, where this might be a game within a game. Or maybe there’s not a game at all. Maybe there really is a God, and he’s controlling the whole goddamn planet. Who the fuck knows?

This book just gave me too many questions, without enough answers. And it left on a motherfucking cliffhanger. Goddamn cocksucking authors and their fucking series. I get it, it’s your job to drag us along, so we want to read the next one.

But, fuck you man. At least give me a stand-alone story, that’s compelling enough in and of itself, that I actually want to read the next one. Don’t just write a 300 page fucking preview of the series for fuck’s sake. Because that’s what this book is, in the end. Just a motherfucking preview.

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3 of 5 Stupid Cunt Stars – The Last Superhero by Astrid Cruz.

While reading this, I wanted to punch the stupid fucking cunt of a narrator in the face so many times. She’s such a whiney little bitch. I mean, in the very first chapter, some guy walks into her bookstore and she just swears at him under her breath. Asshole. Fucking jerkoff. Get the fuck out of my store…

And then, of course, she falls in love with him. Because he’s the most interesting man in the universe. The last so-called superhero. But this isn’t the story of the last superhero. Because there’s really nothing heroic about him.

This is the story of romance, between a twenty-something stupid cunt, and a 100+ year old washed-up has-been superhero. I don’t understand it, because when she first sees him, wandering through her bookstore, not only is she silently swearing at him, she also mentions in the narrative how old and homely he looks. So where’s the attraction? I don’t fucking get it.

After what seems like forever, they finally do fuck. And it’s oh so amazing, of course. He’s so dreamy, because he’s controlling her fucking mind. He gives her fantasies inside her head that are more vivid than any virtual reality. And when they’re fucking, she’s not even aware of it. But that soon changes…

Because then the story becomes fucking bullshit Inception. See, when this so-called superhero falls asleep, his nightmares come to life, and drag this stupid cunt into them. And in those nightmares, it’s all out superhero war, like back in the good old days, when there really were villains to fight.

Later in the story, it becomes full on Matrix-Inception. Where a group of people have to jack into superfreak’s mind, in order to save him from all the super villains in his head. Yes, I know. Stupid as fuck, right?

I don’t understand why the fuck the author decided to go the Inception route. Why have the nightmares at all? Why not just be some kind of Hancock tale? You know, where the washed-up hero has to make amends for his past, and ends up fighting evil in the real world once again.

I could get behind a story like that. It’d be awesome. Hell, maybe another super villain will come out of retirement and wreck some havoc. Destroy a city or two. Why’d the whole story have to be in this fucker’s head? There was just no reason for it. Well, other than the author just being a lazy cunt.

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