Posts Tagged ‘fantasy’

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4 of 5 Cool and Refreshing Stars – The Water Travelers by Daniel Waltz.

I didn’t expect to like this book. It’s fantasy, and I’ve never been a big fan of that kind of fiction. Often times, I just find it silly. Childish, if you will. But this book was not silly, or childish. It was actually quite a refreshing read.

It’s the story of The Water Travelers, people who can travel from one planet to another through water portals. Pretty much any body of water that is deep enough to submerge in, can be used for a portal to another world. As the story begins, our hero Aaron, the prince to the Kingdom of Upitar, loses his brother, due to a mis-travel in the water. When someone mis-travels, they are assumed dead, gone to an otherworldly place, like heaven, which they call The Reverse.

Years later, Aaron is sent on a quest to fetch and kill a girl from Earth, because it is prophesied that she will destroy the Kingdom of Upitar. So, Aaron sets off through a portal to Earth. This is where the story gets fucking stupid. Not silly or childish, just plain stupid. Can you guess what happens next?

Aaron meets a young girl on earth, whom he grows quite fond of. I’ll bet you can guess the story now. These two sort of fall in love over the course of the first half of the book. Hundreds of pages go by, before Aaron, the retarded Prince of Upitar realizes that this girl is, in fact, the girl he is supposed to kill. Because, duh. Of course she is. I say it’s stupid, because the whole time, he’s had a map in his pocket that shows the exact real-time location of the girl he intends to kill. Like magic GPS or something.

I mean, the story is a fun and engaging read. I really enjoyed it. But the moments of sheer stupidity just threw me. I just assumed through the first half of the book that Aaron was aware that this girl was his quest target. I thought that he was just ignoring his father’s orders, which princes are wont to do. He was just being a rebel. But no. He was just being retarded.

From there on, the story really picks up, and it turns into a Lord of the Rings type quest through impossible terrain on Upitar, to reach the Keeper of the Orb, who could maybe turn this cute prophecy girl into a Water Traveler herself. So then, his father would have to approve, right? He wouldn’t want her head on a platter anymore. He’d welcome them with open arms. Right?

Not so much. I’m sure you can guess the rest. Now, his father wants them both dead. So, not the most brilliant plan. Yes, this book had plenty of predictable parts. But so what. Big fucking deal. It was still a fun adventure, and well worth reading.

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3 of 5 Not-So-Bad Stars – The Kingdom Lights by Steven V.S.

My wife reviewed this book and told me, in no uncertain terms, that I definitely would not like this book. “Too much exposition for you,” she said. So…

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I found this book interesting. It was a nice Young Adult story, about a young boy coming of age, and learning of the magic he possesses.

The problem with this book is that the story just wasn’t interesting enough for me to care. Nobody was going to die. There wasn’t any real fear in this story. No real dangerous conflict. I really found no real urgency throughout the entire book. Nothing to dare me to read further. Nothing really compelling.

But is it any good? Lets put it this way: It’s not bad. And hey, thats more than I can say for lots of other books.

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3 of 5 Super-Gay Stars – A World Without Princes by Soman Chainani.

This isn’t quite as good as the first book in this series. However, it’s even more gay, if that’s even possible. I mean, in the first book, Agatha and Sophie were totally hot for each other. In this book, Sophie becomes a prince, with the help of a nifty spell. And, of course, as a boy, she ends up making out with another boy. As you do.

This book is the story of boys vs. girls, instead of good vs. evil. At the beginning, it seems that Agatha and Sophie aren’t completely happy with their fairy tale lesbian lifestyle. Each of them still long for something else. Agatha longs for the love of her prince, and Sophie wishes to be reunited with her long-dead mother.

Because of these wishes, their fairy tale is undone, and they are whisked back to their school which has been divided into a school for boys, and a school for girls. And each side is at war with each other. There is a bounty out for the heads of both Agatha and Sophie.

To me, this book seemed like it was forced. It was like the author couldn’t think of a follow-up book, so someone suggested this stupid idea of boys vs. girls, and he just forced it into being. Which really sucks, because the first book was awesome. It was so good, I can kind of understand the frustration in coming up with anything that would do it justice.

I really wish the author would have just left the first book alone. Just kept it a stand-alone novel, instead of forcing it into a series. But we can’t all have what we want, can we? Fuck no. So I don’t get a perfect lesbo fairy tale follow-up book. Big fucking deal.

It’s still kind of cool and funny watching the prince fall in love with boy-Sophie. When Agatha caught them kissing, the prince went all “It was an accident! I swear! I’m totally not gay, babe. Seriously. Any guy would have made the same mistake. I mean, look at this guy. He’s so hot, right? He’s nearly a girl, I swear. It’s totally not gay…” And on and on. Methinks he protests too much.

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5 of 5 Must-Read Stars – The Other Normals by Ned Vizzini.

Very cool book. Quite fun to read. It has real characters that I actually gave a fuck about. This is a rare thing, in my experience. There was romance, and sexual tension. Lots of real-world battle, not just in-game fighting.

This is the story of fifteen-year-old Peregrine “Perry” Eckert, and his obsession with a D&D type game. But the game is ripped from his hands, as he is sent to summer camp, when the real world takes on a fantasy game-like reality. Perry is dragged off, into the woods, by an odd stranger, who is most likely going to rape him. But unfortunately, instead of a rape-fest, Perry is taken to an alternate reality, where there are gnomes, and trolls, and hot elf bitches.

At this point, I really thought that Perry had just lost his fucking mind, or maybe he was in a coma, after being in a fight at camp, and this was all a coma-fueled dream. But that wasn’t the case. He was really in that other reality, having a real adventure.

And then, there was the princess. This beautiful girl, who wanted nothing more than to kiss homely Perry. Or so he thought. It turns out that she’s really an evil bitch-cunt who only lead on that she wanted to kiss him just because of a stupid summer camp dare. And, because she’s a fucking whore who needed a good bitch slapping.

I got so hooked on this book that I stayed up all night to finish it. I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt like I was IN this story. And, I’m not even a big fan of fantasy novels. But, I’m definitely a fan of this one. It really sucks that this author decided to kill himself a few years ago. He was a great storyteller.

But I digress… This is a fucking awesome book, and the princess cunt does in fact end up getting a good bitch slapping, like she deserved. And Perry no longer has a need for D&D, because the real world is much more interesting when hot elf bitches want to fuck your brains out.

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2 of 5 Not-So-Sexy Stars – The City of the Mirage by Jerome Brooke.

This is a very standard fantasy type story. I read nothing in this story that stood out as unique. It’s just war and slave girls, and sex and immortal goddesses. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

Although, I have to say that the story is in fact well written. It just isn’t the type of fiction that I usually go for. Maybe if it had been a unique story, I could have gotten into it. But, it’s not. It’s pretty boring, in fact. It didn’t even have any real sex scenes. Our hero just bangs ’em. No details whatsoever. Quite disappointing.

There’s just no redeeming value to this story at all. I mean, if you’re gonna have hot slave girls, at least bang the living shit out of ’em in gory detail. Sure, some people just want the cum shot, but not me. I wanna know all about how the girls were disobedient, and you just had to teach them a lesson by banging their tight assholes. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

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4 of 5 Mind-Fuck Stars – Mindscape by M.M. Vaughan.

This was surprisingly better than the first book, The Ability. Lots of action, with the kids helping the police solve crimes, and the twin from the first book out for revenge. It was a very fun read, with a great story and colorful characters. There’s even a bit of an adult bromance. In a children’s book, no less!

It may be an awesome book, but I still don’t understand how Chris goes from being a dirty little thief, who lies, cheats, and steals all he can, to this self-sacrificing boy who longs to save the boy that’s trying to kill him. How does that work? They’re two completely different characters. There was no transition. In the first book, he went from being a thief, to Trustworthy Chris, who will do anything to help. A boy who will sacrifice anything just to help out his sick mum. And then, in this book, here is more of the same. Now he’s even more self-sacrificing. I don’t get it. There was no character arc. He just was one way, and 10 seconds later, he’s Trustworthy Chris. Go figure.

All that aside, it’s still a great book. I really hope there will be another book in this series, because I’m dying to find out what happens next. And, maybe Chris will develop yet another split personality. Something like Dickhead Chris. That could be fun.

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5 of 5 Charming Stars – The School for Good and Evil by Soman Chainani.

This book is so awesome! It had me hooked from the very first sentence: “Sophie had waited all her life to be kidnapped.” Absolutely amazing story. Couldn’t get enough of it.

A beautiful girl and an ugly goth type girl are somehow best friends. They are whisked away to a fairy tale land, The School for Good and Evil. In a strange twist of fate, the pretty one lands in the evil school and the ugly girl finds herself in the pretty school for good. Hilarity ensues.

From the very beginning, I thought, these girls are totally going to end up in bed together. I won’t tell you if they do in fact end up banging, because that would probably spoil the fun. But I can tell you one thing: goth girls are almost always lesbians. There, I said it.

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2 of 5 Stinking-Orc Stars – Orconomics by J. Zachary Pike.

Something tells me that if I was not a World of Warcraft player, I might find this book interesting. Because that’s what this book is. World of Warcraft. Imagine that all the NPC characters, and the actual players were in real life, doing quests, running dungeons. Being Orcs and Trolls and Gnomes. Like its their job to do quests and such.

If I didn’t play WoW, this might appeal to me. But as it is, It bores me to tears. Because I’ve played WoW for so long, that it actually bores me to tears; well, until the expansion comes out anyway. But I digress. The real reason this book sucks isn’t that it’s just a WoW story. It sucks because it just isn’t an interesting WoW story. Nothing happens that anyone would care about.

This book is just stupid Orc cunts running around trying to complete their quests. Bargaining with Goblins, because apparently Goblins are Jews or something. They run the banks. They run the mob. They run everything. And Orcs are too goddamn stupid to figure out how to get gold from the goddamn Goblin Jews.

I’m pretty sure there is WoW fanfic that’s 10 times more interesting than this book. So, fuck Orconomics in its dirty stinking Orc butthole. Because any fucking retard can write a more interesting story than this stupid book. There, I said it.

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