Time Salvager – needs to be salvaged

4 of 5 Sucky-Ass-Future Stars – Time Salvager by Wesley Chu.

This book is absolutely fascinating. The world and technology that the author created for this book is fucking mind-boggling. Such a staggering imagination. And yet, it’s really just a short story dragged out for four-hundred goddamn pages. I would have much rather read a condensed version of this story. Maybe a hundred or so pages. It would have been much better that way.

But no. We can’t have that, now can we? It’s got to be a full length book, or nothing at all, right? Fucking publishers. At least i have to assume it’s the publisher’s fault. I have to think that Mr. Chu wrote this amazing novella, and the publishers said, “Oh, hell no. You gotta fatten this fucker up, Chu. We aren’t gonna publish some bullshit novella. The days of Phillip K. Dick are over, mister. Get with the program.”

So Mr. Chu went ahead and skull-fucked his perfectly fine story. Fattened it up to satisfy the asshole publishers. Or something like that. I mean, it’s still a great story, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I read the whole thing. But really, the story seemed to be over after about four chapters. Everything was pretty much done. All that was left was for the bad guys to find the good guy, and put a fucking bullet in his head.

But, even that didn’t happen, dammit. No, we’ve got to have the fucking Hollywood ending, so they can make this fucking thing into a goddamn movie. What the fuck, Chu? Write what you want, man. If Hollywood wants to skull-fuck the story, fine. But don’t skull-fuck it yourself for Christ sake. Damn.

This story is about time travel. It’s about James, a time traveling salvager. He jumps back in time to find artifacts that are worth a shit ton of cash to his current time. Of course this doesn’t make any fucking sense, because come on, man. I mean, James lives thousands of years in the future. Why the fuck is he going back thousands of years to get old-ass technology? What the bloody fuck? Don’t you think that the tech would be better in the future? Apparently not. Because this salvage operation is huge business in this particular future. Why? Nobody knows. It’s all bullshit, really.

And soon, something goes awry in one of his salvage missions. He gets the tech that he came for, and for some reason he brings along some hot scientist chick. He saves her from a huge explosion, and she ends up tagging along with James back to the future. And this is a big deal. Because that is like Time Law #1, man. You don’t bring hot bitches back to the future. That’s just not cool, man.

Why? Well, it’s because some other scientist bitch that invented time travel came up with some bullshit laws while she was drunk one night. Seriously. She was fucking drunk, and just pulled some Time Laws out of her fucking ass. Like nobody would actually take these laws seriously, right? No way. So there’s all these Time Laws that these future time travelers have to obsessively follow, for no reason whatsoever. It’s so fucking stupid.

But that’s beside the point. The point is that James is now in deep fucking shit. He can’t go back to his buddies back at Time Base Central, or whatever. Because now he’s a goddamn fugitive. He brought back an anomaly. A very hot, naughty anomaly. And now the whole future world is out to get him and his hot scientist chick.

And then James gets caught, and the anomaly gets sent back to her real-time, right? That’s what should happen, right? The end? Nope. Then there’s the whole plot thing. You see, the would in their time is falling apart. Like seriously falling apart. The ocean is just a black sludge pit. The ozone… Don’t even get me started on the goddamn ozone. It’s just fucked, okay? And this hot scientist chick has the answers to solve this global meltdown. Apparently.

What? Seriously? Some fucking scientist bitch from a thousand years ago knows how to fix the future Earth? Nobody in a thousand years has come close to solving this problem, and all the sudden some bitch from a thousand years ago knows all the answers? Fucking seriously? Come on, man. That makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

So yeah, James and the scientist bitch set up shop with some indian folk. Seriously, they’re like Native Americans, or something. They talk funny. But apparently they have the best place to hide for fugitives, because they are like totally low tech, or something. Okay, cool. So James and his girly friend set up shop there, and try to save the planet. And james does some time jumping to get supplies for the village, and science supplies for the girly. And all is happy happy joy joy horseshit. Just waiting for the bad guys to swoop in at any second and fuck up all this happy shit. Please, for the love of god, bad guys, please swoop in and fuck this shit up. Because seriously, I can’t take this shit anymore.

Then, for no apparent reason, James goes and kidnaps the scientist bitch who invented time travel. You know, because he can, or something. And that bitch goes on to tell James just how drunk and stoned out of her mind she was when she came up with the so-called Time Laws. And James is like, “What…?” And the bitch is all like, “Totally, man.”

After about two hundred or so bullshit pages of filler, the bad guys finally do catch a goddamn clue, and come raid the Native American village, where James and his two scientist bitches are hiding. And I just have to wonder, just how the fuck does it take these guys so long to find someone? I mean, it’s thousands of years in the future, man. What, they don’t have Google? They’ve got to have something nine billion times better than Google, for fuck’s sake. I mean, if the author didn’t have to come up with so much goddamn filler, to satisfy his fucking publishers, I guarantee you the bad guys would catch up with James in like twenty-four hours, max.

A huge battle ensues, of course. But all the key people live for some bullshit Hollywood reason. I mean, seriously, everyone lives happily ever after. It’s such total bullshit, it makes me sick. That bitch who actually invented time travel comes out from behind a curtain at the end of the battle and says, “Oh, hey guys. Yes, it’s me. I know, I know, you think I’m some kind of god or something because I fucking invented time travel. But come on, man. Chill. Have a beer, or something. Let’s stop fighting and just have a big orgy.”

Well, that’s more or less how it went. You know, I really make this book sound pretty stupid. And I guess a lot of it is pretty stupid. But it was still an awesome book. I loved it, believe it or not. It could have been better. It should have been better. But even as it is, it’s still a damn fine book. I’d highly recommend it.

The Automation – is an automatic fail

1 of 5 Human-Fuck-Toy Stars – The Automation by some stupid pen name. And edited by some asshole who constantly breaks the fourth wall and comments on this stupid fucking story. Explaining just how stupid it really is.

I did not finish this book. I just couldn’t. It was that bad. I read the first few chapters, hoping for something great, because the premise of the book intrigued me. But the chapters I read were so bloody disappointing, that I had to just skip to the last chapter, and find out if any of this book was really worth reading. Turns out that it wasn’t. It wasn’t even worth skimming the rest of it to see if there was any nugget of goodness in it. Because I knew for certain that the author was just too goddamn stupid to write anything remotely satisfying.

I mean, it was like this book was written by a goddamn teenager, or something. Because all the dialog in this book is about who is fucking who. Or who likes who. Or damn, The Who sure is a good band, or something. I don’t fucking know. It’s just teenage garbage. But it’s not the usual teenage garbage, you see. No, this is garbage that is pretending to be interesting. But trust me, it’s not interesting at all.

Of course, I felt the same way about the Twilight books, but at lest they had some form of substance. Not much, mind you. But at least it was something. This book… All the dialog is just so fucking pointless. And the characters all talk and act the same. It’s like the author never figured out how to actually write distinct characters. He (or she) just wrote dialog of him talking to himself (or herself, or itself, or whatever). Where’s the fun in that? I mean, yes in effect, all authors are writing dialog of themselves talking to themselves, because they really are every character in the book. It’s called imagination. Look it up.

But no. Not this cunt (or dick). No, this jackass just said fuck it, and literally talked to themselves throughout this whole book, without ever thinking of actually making any interesting or unique characters. No imagination whatsoever.

Oh wait. That’s not true. The premise of this book is actually quite interesting. Certainly more interesting than the goddamn book, that’s for sure. It’s about humanoid robots. And the gods who made them. And the masters of the robots. And arguments about who’s going to have sex with the robots first. Because what else are humanoid robots good for, really? You can only tell them to make you a fucking sammich so many times before you want to bend them over the coffee table and fuck their brains out. I know these things. The toaster gave me a dirty look one time, and I showed that toaster who’s boss. Right in its dirty little toaster asshole.

But a good premise does not make for a good book in this case. It’s just false promises, and broken dreams. The premise of this book is like the trailer for that stupid fucking Fantastic 4 movie. It looks oh so polished. So much action and intrigue. I’ve got to see that fucking movie. Then they fuck you in the drive-through. Because you go and watch that movie, and it’s total fucking horseshit.

So don’t fall for the sexy robot premise. Sure, it seems like a good idea at the time, but in the end, you’ll just get your dick toasted. And nobody wants that. Trust me, I know.

The Cauldron – isn’t deep enough

1 of 5 Totally-Useless Stars – The Cauldron by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book was fucking stupid. And pointless. And frankly, a waste of my fucking time. But it’s not even a book, really. It’s a short story. And the format that I was given to review was jam packed with shit-tons of promotional material for the author’s other books. So really, only 50% of it was this story. And the first 90% of the actual story was total garbage. So really, there’s only a 3 page story in this “book”. Fucking pathetic.

The story revolves around some stupid teenage cunt living in England, or something. I only say England, because it uses terms from that area. Could be any part of Europe, really. But anyway, this stupid cunt is chatting online with some pervs, and she agrees to meet up with them.

As I said, the first 90% or so was a complete waste, because nothing really happens. She gets stood up by the pervs. She chats with her parents. She argues with her friends. She chats with her parents some more… Who gives a bloody fuck, man? It’s fucking pointless.

And then, after the first huge chunk of useless pages, we finally get to a point when this stupid cunt does meet up with the pervy punks. Some dude and his girlfriend. They basically abduct the stupid cunt, and take her to some rave, or something. And kill her, for no apparent reason. Because that’s what pervs do, I guess.

And this is where I get a bit confused. Because it’s said that this stupid cunt is now a corpse in the back of these perv’s car. Okay, fine. Then she wakes up some time later, and enters this rave. A huge party with a bunch of strange people. And she sees the pervs that killed her and she doesn’t go “Hey, fuckers. What for you strangle me in your car, man?”

So what’s the deal? Did she wake up in some alternate reality? Did they just drug her with something? Did they take her in the rave and just zap her alive, or something? Or is this some fucking zombie rave? I have no fucking idea. And I don’t really care. Because it really is just a 3 page story, given that the rest of it was such total shit. This part was only slightly interesting, because it didn’t make any fucking sense. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

I believe this story is part of a series, and I almost want to read the next story, because it may have a bit more meat on its bones than this one. And it may even explain some of the weirdness that’s going on in this story. So I can’t say that this story is a complete waste, because it really is just setting up the rest of the series. But damn. On its own, it really is a complete waste of space and time.

The Lives of Tao – are too many

4 of 5 Puppet-Master Stars – The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu.

This book was frustrating for me. It was a very love/hate relationship while I was reading it. Because on the one hand, it’s an awesome fucking book. And on the other… Well, I really wanted to strangle Tao. He’s a real cocksucker. And he’s not even human. But yes, I did enjoy this book. It was very engaging, and I found myself acting like some black guy in a movie theatre, yelling at Tao all the way through this book. “Fuck you, Tao! Let the poor fat bastard do what he wants! Damn!”

The book is about Tao (duh), who is a ancient alien entity, who is literally centuries old. He has lived within many famous humans over time. Pretty much any famous, influential figure in history, this jackass Tao was living inside the guy’s head, telling him what to do, and how to conquer the world.

The story starts out with Tao basically driving a Ferrari of a human. Taking his prized human into battle. Kicking ass, and taking names, while chewing bubble gum. But then, the unthinkable happens. His super-human, who Tao has trained for many years, is finally killed. And this means that Tao has to find a new host. But that’s not an easy thing to do when you’ve just been punted over a cliff, and your host died on the way down.

So Tao finds the only available host. A poor fat bastard, that happened to be wandering around town in the middle of night, only to be inhabited by his worst fucking nightmare. Tao, the bastard. It’s a nightmare, because Tao is now stuck in this fat fucker, until he dies of a heart attack or something. And Tao doesn’t want to be lugging around such a fat sack of shit. He’s used to awesomeness. So he’s gonna have to find a way to train this fat lazy slob to be a super-spy. Or die trying.

This is when I started screaming at the pages. Telling Tao to go fuck himself. Because he finally reveals himself to this poor fat guy, and tells him in no uncertain terms, that he’s got to go outside and exercise like right fucking now. And the fat guy tells Tao “Yeah, right. Get fucked.” Or something like that. Seriously, for a second, this fat guy was my fucking hero.

But then Tao played an evil trick. He brings in some hot chick to train the fat guy. That’s fucking evil, man. No fat guy is gonna turn down training with a hot chick. And I was all like “Noooooooooooo! Don’t do it, fat guy! Run for your goddamn life, man!” But I knew it was no use. Because, of course the fat guy is gonna go out and try to jog with this girl. Dammit to hell.

And of course, there’s this evil plot thing, where there’s an evil faction of the alien entities who are out to rule the world. Or something. I don’t fucking know. All I know is there’s a fucking alien battle raging on earth, and most of the world has no fucking idea it’s happening.

What I really don’t get is the fact that Tao is the evil faction’s #1 target. Everyone want’s to kill Tao. Which is one of the reasons he has to train his host to be a super fighting machine. Okay, I get why everyone wants to kill Tao. Not just because he’s a fucking asshole. It’s because he’s one of the oldest and most influential alien entities out there. That makes sense.

But what doesn’t make sense is the fact that these evil fuckers can’t find Tao. It’s fucking retarded. This is the modern world they’re living in. With internet and everything. And these aliens are the smartest things imaginable. So why the fuck are they having such a hard time finding Tao and his host? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. At one point they figure out who Tao’s host is. They know where he works. They know where he lives. So what the fuck, man? Just kill him already.

There really needed to be more of an explanation of why these evil guys didn’t find Tao. It’s either that they’re fucking retarded, or maybe because they just didn’t want to, for some stupid reason. None of those explanations make any fucking sense. So what is it, Mr. Chu? What’s the deal man?

Anyway, it’s a great book. I enjoyed reading it. But it really was a struggle. In fact, this book got under my skin so much, that I actually wrote some fanfic about it. And I haven’t written fanfic in like twenty years. But I just had to, with this book. I needed some closure that this book didn’t provide. So I did it myself, goddamnit. So there. Fuck you, Tao.

**** And here’s my stupid fanfic. ****

Die Tao Die

“Hi,” I said to the group of Hosts in front of me, as I did my best impression of a smile, which turned out to be more of a smirk. “My name is Glenn, and I have an alien entity living in my fucking head.”

“Hi, Glenn,” the group said in unison.

“His name is Tao, and he’s a fucking cocksucker. He keeps trying to control my life, and it’s really starting to piss me off!” My audience was looking a bit alarmed.

So, I suck cock now, do I?

“No! Shut the fuck up, Tao. Fuck,” the audience was definitely getting a bit shocked. “Okay, fine. He’s not actually a cocksucker. If he was capable of sucking some cock, he might be able to do something good in this world. No, Tao is more of an asshole, really. And I just… I just don’t know what to do…”

One of the ladies in the front row gave me a knowing look and said, “It’s okay, Glenn. We’ve all been there. Just tell us your story. It’ll feel better, I promise.” And she finished it off with a sickening smile that made me want to puke. I just couldn’t understand how any of these Hosts were happy with their situation. It made absolutely no sense to me.

“Okay. So there I was, minding my own fucking business, eating lunch at the park. And there was this swift wind all the sudden. And I passed out, or something. Then, I woke up at my house. Crashed out on my couch. On my coffee table was my laptop. The browser was open to the most disgusting porn I’ve ever seen. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong, but goddamn… There’s some porn you just don’t watch, know what I mean?

“So I’m thinking I must be sleep walking. But not sleep walking, sleep porn watching. Which is weird, right? Sure. Okay, I’ll buy that. But then this motherfucker starts talking in my fucking head. ‘Hi, Glenn’ it says. ‘My name is Tao, and you’re my new host. I’m pleased to meet you.’ And I’m like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE??!!

“He talks to me in my head, you see. I know, you’re all probably familiar with this, because you’re all hosts, but this shit is new to me, you know. He talks to me, and tries to make me do things. He tried to get me to exercise, for fuck’s sake! Exercise? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m a fat, lazy bastard, man. I don’t fucking exercise. It’s like he’s trying to kill me. I swear.

“’Let’s go on a run,’ he says. What ‘we’ is he talking about? It’s me doing the goddamn running. He’s not running at all. He’s just a useless lazy cunt…” I trailed off.

So, I’m a cunt now, am I? I thought you liked cunt. You’d eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you could get a date. But you’re too stupid and fat to get a date. And you won’t accept my help. Keep being a loser if you want. See if I care.

“Goddamnit, Tao! FUCK! YOU!” I pounded my fists on the podium, trying to make my point. The audience kept giving me those uncomfortable stares. “How do you people stand it? Seriously?”

Now you’ve done it, Glenn. You called them ‘you people’.

“Eat a dick, Tao! Damn. It’s like I can’t hear myself think with this guy stuffing up my head…”

Some guy in the second row spoke up, “It’s okay, man. You’ll get used to it. It’s not so bad, really. They can actually be quite helpful, you know.”

“But you don’t understand. I don’t want him to be helpful. I want him to fucking die. Yes, you heard me. I want to kill this motherfucker in the worst possible way. And yes, I understand that in order to do that, I’d have to kill myself. And I think I’m fine with that. As long as this cocksucker dies, I’m totally fine with killing myself.” I started gritting my teeth. I think I may have actually growled at some point.

An old lady in the front row spoke up after an uncomfortable silence. “Oh dear, don’t talk like that. These beings are our friends. They love us. I’m sure Tao would hate to lose you. He loves you. I’m sure of it.”

Haaaa ha hahahaha ahahahahahah oh my god. This is too funny. If they only knew.

“No. I’ve had it. This is enough. Tao is a fucking asshole, and all he wants to do is ruin my fucking life. And that’s why I insisted on having this meeting way out here in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. So Tao couldn’t find another host. I mean, he can’t inhabit one of you, because you’re already hosts, right?”

Then I gave one last smirk, pulled out my gun, and shot myself in the fucking head. It was the happiest moment of my life.

And now you’re in a coma, because you’re too stupid to even shoot yourself right. Good job, moron. Now I’m stuck here in your lifeless body until you die. Fuck my life.

Carry the Knight – isn’t worth carrying

2 of 5 Fucked-In-The-Head Stars – Carry the Knight by Miguel Lopez de Leon.

This is a very important review. It will change your life forever, and inspire countless millions to rise up and take control of their lives. It will be the cornerstone of a new civilization. Monuments will be built because of this review. People will bow down, and praise me as some sort of oracle. For I am Glenn. And I fucking hate this goddamn book.

Of course, all of that is a lie. This isn’t an important review, just as this isn’t an important book. In fact, it’s a completely useless book. It doesn’t accomplish anything, except being full of itself.

The protagonist is a struggling writer. A fairy appears to help him write his all-important book. Because this book is special. It must be written. It will inspire people, and help the world in so many ways… Or so this so-called fairy thinks.

It doesn’t make any fucking sense why this fairy would appear to this stupid fucking writer. It’s said that no fairy, or magical creature has EVER appeared before. They hide from us. But they chose this fucktard of a writer to appear to. Why the bloody fuck didn’t they show up and tell Hitler to stop with all the fucking murder? Why now? Why this fucking loser? There’s absolutely no explanation, except for helping him finish the ‘important’ book that he’s writing.

Which is not a reason at all, considering the book the fairy is referring to is this same fucking book. Carry the Knight. Which isn’t inspirational at all. In fact it’s downright insulting to my intelligence. And that’s hard to do, considering how fucking retarded I am.

The only reason I gave this book two stars instead of one, is because there was at least some value to it. The fairy-world building was actually quite interesting. Some evil fairies come out to play, and attack the hapless writer. So his fairy guardian protects him, and builds a bubble around his apartment. And then the boss-fairy comes into the picture and negotiates a treaty with the evil fairies. And all is well.

So there’s like one percent of this book that’s worth reading. The rest of it is utter dogshit. What really kills me is the fact that this is an actual published book, and not just some self-published work. I can see someone self-publishing garbage like this, but for an actual publisher to pick up this junk just pisses me right the fuck off. It’s an insult to real writers, goddamnit.

And if this review didn’t really change your life, then you know exactly how I felt after reading this fucking book. I felt cheated. And raped. ‘Important book’ my ass. After tearing up this book and eating it piece by piece, I’m going to build a monument to it in my toilet. I’ll call it ‘Ode to de Leon’.

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Tyranny Fighters – is too gay for me

2 of 5 Gay-As-Fuck Stars – Tyranny Fighters by Garry Reed.

This book is fucking retarded. Because it’s just a collection of articles that you could just read for free on the internet, if you really wanted to. I don’t know why the fuck anyone would want to read these articles, though. I only read this book because the author asked me for a ‘brutally honest review’. Probably because he secretly knew that it sucked donkey balls. I guess his family and friends are too chicken-shit to tell him.

I know, I know… I totally feel like the pot calling the kettle black, because my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1 is exactally the same fucking thing. Just a collection of articles that anyone could just read for free on my fucking blog whenever the fuck they want. But hey, at least my book is slightly amusing.

This guy’s book has very little redeeming value. They may be well written articles, but so fucking what. The articles are all pretty much the same shit over and over. They’re about this wack-job free-speech activist, Julian Heicklen. He’s some 80-year-old Tyler Durden wanna-be. Because he obsessively hands out pamphlets outside various courthouses, telling would-be jurors that they shouldn’t fucking listen to that cocksucking judge. And if the plane’s going down in flames, it’s okay to scream your fucking head off.

So it’s the true story of this stupid-ass hippy guy trying to get himself thrown in jail. Because that’s what he does. The cops come by and ask him some simple questions: “What’s your name? Do you have a permit? Do you like anal?”

To which Heicklen answers: “Fuck You. That’s my name. Of course I have a permit. It’s called the United States Fucking Constitution, motherfucker. Free-speech, dickwad. And of course I love anal. Why do you think I want to go to jail so bad?”

So he’s just a big fucking attention whore. If a cop asks you your name, you give them your real fucking name. Unless you want to go to jail and get ass raped. The only reason not to give them your name is to cause a scene, and to get ass raped.

I’m pretty sure that Heicklen was very upset when all the cases against his so-called ‘criminal’ activity got thrown out of court, and he was thrown out on his hippy old ass. Because now where’s the poor guy gonna get good anal rape? Street bums just can’t rape like those hot black guys in prison, man.

Really, the worst part of this book is the fact that it’s so repetitive. If you’ve read one of the articles, you’ve pretty much read the whole book. I’ll even spoil it for you, so you don’t have to read it at all. The hippy Heicklen flees the U.S. once Obama gets elected. He high-tails it to Israel because he’s fucking scared of that bill that allows Obama to just jail anyone he wants for no fucking reason. Indefinitely.

So, in the end, Heicklen was really scared of prison. I guess one man can only endure so much anal rape. I mean, it’s fun for a little rape vacation. A week in jail here and there. But lifetime rape… That’s something even Heicklen’s scared of. Because he’s totally not lifetime gay. He’s just short-term prison gay.

****

GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious.

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Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter – it’s a spooky ghost!

4 of 5 Whimpy-Korean-Fucker Stars – Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter by Tim Learn.

For someone like me, who’s never heard of any Korean mythology, this book is very strange. I mean, who knew that there was a fucking god of the kitchen, goddess of the bathroom, and a god of the door. Yes, apparently Koreans worship the door to their bathroom. Crazy fucking wack-jobs.

This book is the second installment of the Korean retard known as Chewy Noh. Okay, he’s not technically retarded, but he’s not smart, that’s for damn sure. He’s some Junior High kid who can only pass tests at school because he’s literally got super-powers that allow him to pass any test. You know, like X-Men mutant powers.

But without his super-powers, he’s completely retarded. In this book, he soon wishes he doesn’t have super test taking skills, because his new teacher starts to think he’s cheating. She gets a total hard-on for Chewy. No, not sexually. That’s sick. No, she gets a hard-on for catching the little shit cheating.

She makes tests that no student could possibly pass. She even puts trick questions in there, that don’t even have a correct answer. But Chewy still gets a perfect score. So she gets an even bigger hard-on for him, and keeps making more impossible tests, to prove that chewy is a low-down dirty fucking cheater. You know, like all Koreans. Hey, shuddup. That’s not me being racist. That’s the author’s words right there. So, suck it.

Chewy starts getting haunted by the god of doors. Or something. He goes through the door to the bathroom at a party, and all the sudden he’s someplace else. Like it was a portal or something. Apparently, that’s what the door god does. He makes portals out of doors.

Chewy gets this bright idea. In order to trick his teacher into thinking he’s not a typical Korean cheater, he’s going to have to sneak into her office and steal the answers to the next test. He’s going to have to cheat, in order to actually prove that he’s not a cheater. As I said, he’s fucking retarded.

Then there’s the whole ‘Winter Soldier’ thing. Another ghost, who may or may not be the god of the toilet, is causing all kinds of havoc. He/she/it is terrorizing kids everywhere. Attacking them, and sending them to the hospital. So Chewy and his buddy put on their best Scooby-Doo impression, and go around trying to figure out who the ghost is, and what they want.

I’ve never been a fan of ghost stories. Because ghosts don’t fucking exist. I’ll never forget one time my next door neighbor asked me, “What do you mean, you don’t believe in god? How do you explain ghosts, then?” I gave her my most plain stare and answered, “Simple. They don’t exist either.”

But then again, monsters don’t really exist, and I love me a good monster story. And I don’t hate this book because it’s a ghost story. I don’t hate it at all, really. It’s actually quite good. It’s much better than the first story in the series.

I liked it because it had an actual story line, unlike the first book. It had a real plot. There was some actual meat on them bones. And the Korean mythology was actually quite interesting to read. But I was still hoping that one of those ghosts would totally kill poor Chewy. Because he really is the most pathetic hero I’ve ever read about.

****

JUSTIN BIEBER SUED! Damn. Why can’t the headline ever say ‘Justin Bieber Dead’? Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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Twilight – needs moar blood

1 of 5 Stupid-Ass-Girly Stars – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. And this is a classic example of a Mary-Sue, where the author puts themselves in the book as some fucking damsel in distress. She gets saved by some hot young hunk, and they get married and have a bunch of fucking babies. Classic Mary-Sue. And I fucking hate it so much.

But I don’t really hate this book because it’s a Mary-Sue. I hate it because it’s fucking stupid. A friend of mine recommended this book to me. Said I just had to read it, because it’s so amazing. I’ve since strangled that bastard and buried him in my backyard. With his bare ass poking out of the ground, so anyone can just wander by and fuck him. Because that’s what he deserves for recommending this fucking book.

Fifty Shades of Grey, which is fanfic of this book is 9000 times better than Twilight. Seriously. I’m not saying that Fifty is written better. Because it certainly isn’t. But it’s a better story that actually makes a tiny bit of sense. But sparkling vegan vampires? Seriously? Go fuck yourself, Stephenie Meyer.

The Mary-Sue in this book is Bella. A plain, boring, pathetic teenage girl, who just moved to a small town in bum-fuck nowhere. Way the fuck out in the woods, in Washington state. Reading about all her bullshit teenage angst just made me want to puke. Or punch her in the face. Because shut the fuck up, already. Stop whining, you stupid cunt. Yeah, life sucks. Welcome to your teenage years. Get over it.

She goes to her new school, and meets the most handsome guy in the world. Seriously, that’s how he’s described. “The most handsome guy in the world.” Yeah, right. This is yet another reason why I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. Because he’s always the most handsome guy. And she’s always plain and boring. And handsome guy always wants her anyway. Why, goddamnit? Give me a fucking reason, besides this being a Mary-Sue. Just one fucking reason why Edward wants anything to do with plain old Bella.

Okay, so maybe there’s ONE reason. But still, it’s not a very good reason. He can’t read her mind. He can read everyone else’s mind, but he can’t read hers. So, she intrigues him. This actually makes sense to me. But he still shouldn’t be attracted to her. Curious, yes. Attracted, no. If he was a real vampire, he’d just take her out in the woods and rip her fucking head off. Because you can’t have bitches running around with control over you. Fuck that. That bitch has got to die.

But no. Edward can’t do that. Because he’s a fucking vegan vampire, or something. His family doesn’t eat humans. Or even kill them for sport. Where’s the fun in that? What the fuck is the point of being a goddamn vampire if you’re not killing humans for fun and profit? It’s so fucking retarded. Apparently, his family just hunt animals and shit. Like fucking bums.

It’s no wonder that the rest of the vampire community wants to kill Edward and his family. Because they’re just not normal vampires. They’re tainting the goddamn bloodline. You don’t want the rest of the vampires to start acting gay and going all vegan and shit. That would ruin the whole vampire reputation. I mean, hot bitches don’t really go for the gay-ass vegans. They go for blood-sucking, hardcore vampires.

And don’t get me started on the whole sparkly vampire shit. Vampires should fucking die in the sunlight. Period. Okay, there’s one exception. Blade. Because he’s a hybrid. I can buy that. It makes a tiny bit of sense. But just sparkling in sunlight and not bursting into flames? That’s bullshit, man.

As if there wasn’t enough fucking Mary-Sue horseshit in this story, another hot guy wants Bella for himself. A shape-shifter doggie. And seriously, he’s hotter than gay-boy Edward. And he’s really better for Bella. Because he’s not a blood-sucking monster. And he’s actually kind of manly. He fixes and rides motorcycles and shit, man. This guy is cool.

He really makes so much more sense as a boyfriend for Bella. But dammit, she’s gonna do what she wants. Because she’s a stupid fucking teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck who’s better for her. All she cares about is doing the wrong thing, because that’s what teenagers do. And Edward is so good-looking. Even though he’s evil. But, that makes him dangerous. And dangerous is sexy.

Maybe if the sexy wolf boy, Jacob, had been more dangerous, he might have had a chance. He should have kicked the shit out of Edward, and called it a day. But apparently, Jacob is kind of a pussy, even though he’s macho and manly. Because he doesn’t start shit. He just pines for Bella like a goddamn girly-boy and doesn’t do a fucking thing about it.

I know this book is popular as fuck, but I have no idea why. It’s very hard to read, because it’s filled with so much teenage emotion and angst and fucking girly shit. I guess I can understand why girls would read it. Because girls are fucking stupid. But why, oh why, would a guy read this and recommend it to me? I just don’t get it. Just for that I’m going to go out in the backyard and fuck his ass. Shuddup. It’s not gay if he’s dead.

****

GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s fucking hilarious.

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Yes Please – is disturbingly pleasing

4 of 5 Fucking-Awesome Stars – Yes Please by Amy Poehler.

This book is fucking hilarious, which I found quite surprising. Because I can’t fucking stand Amy Poehler. She’s not funny, goddamnit. Or at least I thought she wasn’t funny. I can’t watch that horrible show Parks & Rec. It’s just so fucking bad. And I was never much of a fan of Poehler when she was on SNL. But holy shit, her writing is fucking hilarious.

This book is more of what I’d expect from an autobiography from a comedian. An actual funny account of their life. How they got to where they are today. The crazy antics from their childhood. And their journey to stardom. That wasn’t what I got from that stupid cunt-face Moshe Kasher, in his horrible book, Kasher in the Rye, which I reviewed here.

But Amy Poehler actually delivers on that promise. She chronicles her journey from being a geeky and mostly unattractive girl in school (even though she still got hit on constantly, because she’s an ugly blond girl and everyone knows that blonds are stupid and easy), to being a fucking superstar. Even though I wouldn’t really call her a superstar. Yes, she’s very successful as a comedian, and makes a good living. But Parks & Rec? Fuck that show, man.

She tells stories like the time she and her girlfriend handcuffed themselves together at school, just for the fun of it. And lost the key on purpose, just to make everyone panic. Good times, man. And all those times that she fucked up her lines at the school play. And everyone laughed, apparently. Because look at that stupid ugly blond girl, fucking up her lines. Isn’t that hilarious?

She’s very self-deprecating, which I alway find funny. I do it myself constantly. There’s a chapter in this book about the demon that lives inside her head. That demon that says “Hey you! Yes, that ugly one. You’re fucking stupid, man. Just kill yourself.” And how she had to deal with that fucking demon every goddamn day of her life. Sometimes she choses to listen to the demon, and get all depressed. But other times she tells the demon to go fuck itself. Right in the ass. Because, fuck you, demon. I’m good, goddamnit. There’s nothing wrong with me, except for the fact that I’m on a shitty TV show. So shut your whore mouth, demon. Get fucked. I gots shit to do.

There are plenty of stories in this book about the many sketch groups she was part of. All the crazy antics that goes with doing live shows every night. You know, getting drunk and blowing some strange guy you don’t even know. Because he promised you some coke if you go down hard. And hey man, a girl’s gotta have her coke now and then, you know.

The only reason I didn’t give this book a perfect 5 star rating is because Amy made the mistake of letting that no-talent hack Seth Meyers write a chapter in her book. Because apparently he offered, and she said ‘fuck yes’. Because apparently, writing a book is hard. Who knew? But seriously, fuck Seth Meyers, man. He’s a horrible writer. And he’s also even less funny than Amy. How the bloody fuck that guy has his own talk show, I’ll never understand.

But I’d still highly recommend this book to just about everyone. It really is fucking hilarious. And smart. And informative. And she even gives you good advice on sex. ‘LICK THAT PUSSY!’ Well, that’s not very much advice. But apparently, as far as she’s concerned, LICK THAT PUSSY OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BEDROOM! Or something to that effect. Oh yea, and apparently her boyfriend Nick Kroll has the biggest cock in hollywood. Yes, even bigger than Liam Neeson. Hard to believe, I know.

KEVIN SMITH LOVES MY BOOK! No, not THAT Kevin. The fat one. He LOVES the cock. Get my book. Because even I’m funnier than Seth Fucking Meyers. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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Dark Matters – is not nearly dark enough

3 of 5 Useless-As-Fuck Stars – Dark Matters: Two tales of Crime and Madness by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book does not contain ‘two tales of crime and madness’. It’s one tale of ‘crime and madness’ and one tale of bullshit. And it’s even hard to say that the first one is about crime. There’s a murder, sure. But it’s more about love and madness really.

The first story is about a dripping faucet in some guy’s kitchen. And it’s driving him fucking insane. I’m not sure why. I mean, just fix the fucking thing. How hard is that? But no. He’s got to argue about it with his girlfriend, and stab her in the heart for no apparent reason.

And then, he figures he’d better call the cops. Because he’s done a bad, naughty, evil thing. And he should be punished, or something. So, a huge smart-ass cop comes to the door. He’s an asshole. And he notices that this guy has got a leaky faucet. So he looks under there, and sure enough, there’s a leaky faucet, along with a leaky girlfriend.

But here’s where the madness comes in. Because I’m pretty sure that this cop didn’t exist. He was just a figment of this guy’s imagination. Because there’s no cop in the world that would act as wacky as this strange cop. So it had to be in this guy’s head. Which is cool, because it made the story very fun to read.

The second story in this book is about the manager of a comedy club. A rather dark comedy club. Where they talk about fucking Jesus in the ass, and giving Satan a bloody hand job. That’s fine and dandy, but it wasn’t much of a story.

It’s just about some comedians who want to quit the gig. It’s about how comedy is just allowing people to wallow in their misery. It doesn’t solve anything. It just allows the audience to pause reality for a few seconds. To take a laughter vacation, if you will.

But thankfully, someone does at least die in this story. I was hoping that all the comedians, along with their hapless manager would just have a huge suicide pact and blow the place up or something. That would have been fun. But no, it’s really just endless drivel.

I can’t say that I’d really recommend this book to anyone. I’d recommend the first story, for sure. But the second story just ruins it. So if you want to read this book, just skip the second story. Because it’s just completely useless and pointless. It doesn’t deserve to be in the same volume as the first story. It deserves to be skull-fucked to death. Preferably in front of a cheering audience.

I’M LOOSING MY MIND! ha got you to look. Thankfuly my book was edited by a grammar natzi but my blogs arn’t. Check out my book at amazon: http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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