Posts Tagged ‘fiction’

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2 of 5 Happy-Whore Stars – The Harem by Thomas Sweeney.

This book really disappointed me. The author took a great premise and totally skull-fucked it. I mean, why does The Harem need to be a fucking cult? Why can’t it just be about a bunch of filthy whores? Everyone loves filthy whores. You don’t need to make ’em shiny. You don’t need flowers and champagne. All you need is hot ass.

This story is an attempt to make prostitution look like the most glamorous and exciting profession. It’s about a woman who takes an internship at a large corporation. And apparently, she’s special, because she gets offered an opportunity to enter the Program. You know, the Slut Program.

But Susan is no floozey. She takes offense at the mere suggestion of becoming a whore. I mean, who wouldn’t? Even if the position within the Program would set her up for life financially, it’s still selling your body for cash. Even if it’s a million dollars, which it actually is, it’s still sucking dick for money. Even if it means getting eaten out by the most handsome man, and cumming like a fucking race horse, it’s still… Oh fuck it. She’ll totally do it.

I don’t get this bit. She’s so against the idea, and yet a page later she accepts it, and joins the program. I guess all women are whores, when it comes down to it. Is that what this author is trying to say? I mean, he does make the whole proposition very attractive. I’d join the Program in a fucking heart beat. But I’m a guy. All guys are whores. But women? I don’t know, man.

I just expected more of a process for Susan to accept this new position in the Program. I expected her to really wrestle with the idea. Maybe take a bit of convincing. But no. It’s just “Okay, sure. Sign me up. Even though I just called you a fucking cunt for suggesting the idea a page ago.” What the fuck, man?

Then there’s the whole cult thing. The ceremony of becoming part of the Program. Part of the Harem. But why is there a fucking ceremony, man? Just fuck the bitch, and be done with it. Why do you have to eat her out and make her cum over and over? You’re paying her millions to be part of your harem, so why the bloody fuck do you have to pamper the fuck out of her? I don’t get it.

Maybe it’s because this book was written for women. I mean, it has to be, right? What man would want to read this garbage? After the ceremony, Susan is given a new name. It’s ‘Wednesday’. Like she’s the fuck-girl for every Wednesday, or something. I thought that was kind of cool. But the rest of the harem are also named for days of the week. And they just accept this with no resistance. Yes, I’m Robert’s whore for Wednesday. No problem.

But they’re not just whores. They also work his international business. And this is funny, because when Robert introduces his play things to business associates, he introduces them by the name he’s given them. “Hi, George, this is Wednesday.” That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Then he introduces the rest of them, each as a different name of the week. I get using those names in private, but in public, it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

And then there’s the mind-control. Yes, Robert’s whores learn how to use mind-control and remote viewing, and astral-projection, and all that hippy bullshit. And they use these powers for evil. To go all Inception on some business associates, by planting ideas in their heads and such.

In the end, these were great skills to master, because Robert gets arrested for his evil deeds, and his girls get him off (heh, they got him off) by manipulating the minds of the judges. Nice. But why’d this story have to go all super-natural? Why couldn’t they just be whores, goddamnit? There’s just no reason for all that hippy nonsense. I don’t get it. It must be because I’m not a woman. I’ve only got man-titties, and they’re just not cutting it.

I didn’t like this story. In fact, at times, I hated it. Because it just pissed me off. It took a perfectly good idea and totally destroyed it. Why, man? It just made no sense to me. Most of the story was just boring business bullshit. And happy happy joy joy girly shit. No conflict, whatsoever.

I’d highly recommend this book to women. It’s a perfect fantasy book for women. But I’d strongly advise men to stay the hell away from this piece of shit of a book. Because it’s a complete fucking waste of time. I can’t even jack off to this shit, and I can jack off to just about anything.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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3 of 5 Boring-Virgin Stars – The Vision by C.L. Talmadge.

This book is a fucking soap opera. This guy’s banging that chick. Some other guy wants to fuck some dude. And of course, there’s plenty of surprise relationships that aren’t surprises at all. Oh noes, that chick is that dude’s daughter. Who the fuck cares?

This story is mostly about royalty and politics. Some military doctor chick is tasked with saving a prince who had a heart attack. Everyone just assumed he was dead. And he was for a few minutes, but the doctor chick brought him back. Now he’s a zombie prince. Yay!

But wait, this doctor chick isn’t even royalty. What the fuck is she even doing on the grounds? That’s sacrilege! Arrest her at once! And so they do, and like a third of this fucking book is dedicated to her trial for stepping on sacred ground. A capital offense. Really? You’re gonna put some hot chick to death because she stepped foot in your secret garden? That’s fucking retarded.

Of course she’s convicted, and sentenced to death. But come on, she’s the main character in this story, and frankly, the only interesting one. She’s not going to fucking die. You can do all the preparations you want. Put her in a cold cell naked. Torture her all you want. She’s not going to fucking die. So it’s really a wasted attempt at suspense.

Because at the last second, with her head on the chopping block, her long-lost father, Lord James comes to the rescue. Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away, man. No surprise whatsoever. Lord James takes her to his large house in the country, and pampers the shit out of his long-lost daughter.

But Helen is having none of it. “Fuck you, dad! I can take care of myself, thank you very much.” But Lord James has his man-servant drug her, so she stays in bed, like a good little girl. But eventually, she heals up enough to go on being the good doctor, attending to the sick and ailing royalty.

I really didn’t like this book. Not because it was poorly written, though. It was very well written. With amazingly vibrant characters. Especially Helen. I fucking loved Helen. She had some spunk. Even though she was a virgin. Why do they always have to be virgins? Being a slut is way more interesting.

No, the reason I didn’t like this book was the fact that nothing actually happened in it. It was just gossip and rumors and politics and bullshit. Nobody died. Nobody got fucked. It was all just innuendo. There wasn’t even any real back-stabbing. I’d expect some crazy back-stabbing from a fucking soap opera, but with this story there was none. And that lack of conflict made the story boring as fuck.

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3 of 5 Clueless-Sleuth Stars – Candy, Murder & Me by Carolyn Chambers Clark.

This book was way too girly for me. I mean, every fucking chapter had some recipe for foodstuffs. Like I fucking care. I don’t even know what the fuck those recipes were doing there. What did they add to the story? Absolutely nothing. If anything, it just distracted from the story.

This book is about a murder mystery. Some ditzy woman aptly named ‘Cookie’, finds her P.I. dead in her clothing design studio. And the cops think she did it. Because the P.I. was investigating some embezzlement case that Cookie was involved in.

So, of course Cookie has to take up the P.I. business herself, and find out who really killed Mr. Falcone. Now that’s a mob name, if I ever heard one. And sure enough, the guy was seriously involved in the mob. That’s one way to get yourself killed fast. Dumbass.

Cookie goes to Mr. Falcone’s office and digs through his files, to see if she can find any leads into his murder. Mr. Falcone’s assistant helps her out and gives her some stupid ideas about how to be a good detective. You know, like getting a fucking gun, and trying not to shoot yourself with it.

The story continues on and on with Cookie and her new friend checking out all of Mr. Falcone’s recent cases. Most of which were guys trying to find out if their wives were cheating on them. Of course they’re cheating. If you think they’re cheating, they are. Period. Because they fucking hate you.

Then she comes across a case involving a chemical company that may be dumping toxic waste. So she starts investigating by breaking into their offices, and promptly gets shot at. She escapes, and nearly gets run off the road by ‘the guy with the golden tooth’, straight out of fucking James Bond.

In the end, Cookie got all the answers she needed from the bad guy. He confronted her, gun in hand, and insisted that she hand over the evidence. But no. She started singing off tune instead. Oh shit. MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!. So he ended up telling her everything. Because the pain in his ear holes was just too much to take. Really? What kind of murderous pussy are you, guy? Damn.

This book reminds me a lot of the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich. Where some ditzy broad takes up some profession she clearly doesn’t belong in. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, just about every book out there is derivative in some way or another.

I can’t say that I hated this book. But I didn’t like it either. Which is strange, because I rather liked the Stephanie Plum novels which are quite similar. The problem I found with this book was that it was just too repetitive. And too fucking girly. And no sexual tension. It was kind of a taco fest, because there weren’t really any guys in the story. Just dead ones. And it’s hard to build sexual tension around a dead guy.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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4 of 5 Never-Ending-Story Stars – The Curse of Senapin by Daniel Waltz.

Holy shit, this book was long as fuck. 529 goddamn pages. What really pissed me off was the fact that they weren’t useless filler pages. All those fucking pages were filled with actual story, man. It drove me crazy. I tried skipping like twenty pages and had to go back to find out what the fuck happened. Because this book is fucking relentless with its world-building and story-telling. It just wouldn’t let up.

This is the second book in The Water Travelers series. It’s about A-A-Ron and his love pal, Madi, who end up on an endless adventure because A-A-Ron gets horrible blue balls one night, while laying next to his cold-as-a-fish girlfriend. I mean, you can only lay there for so long, staring at those sleeping boobies, and tight ass, until you have to excuse yourself and spew jizz all over the bathroom mirror.

Once A-A-Ron wipes down the mirror, he decides to go on a walkabout to a pond nearby, because he just has to know if he can still travel through water. You see, in the first book, these two love-birds thought they had destroyed the magic orb that was supposed to control the ability to water travel from Earth to A-A-Ron’s homeland. So, he just had to know…

And is promptly captured on the other side. Because his family fucking hates his guts, because he’s a goddamn traitor to his kind. He was supposed to kill the girl, for fuck’s sake, not dry hump her face. Goddamn teenagers these days… So yea, he’s captured, and tortured. Well, not really tortured, because he’s still the fucking prince. But still, he had to endure all the bitching and moaning. All the, “I expected so much more from you…” bullshit.

Madi wakes up and finds A-A-Ron missing. Oh noes! But she comes downstairs to find her granny’s ex boyfriend chatting away over breakfast. And apparently, granny is a water traveler whore as well, because this guy is also some big and important water-traveler alien. And he helps Madi travel through the pond to go rescue the guy she sort of likes. Because, whatevs. I guess we can save A-A-Ron.

Harsh words were spoken, but eventually Madi and the granny banger escape with A-A-Ron, and they meet up with some sort of wizard, or keeper, or god, or whatever. Who knows. The guy is like a narrator to the story. He knows everything and explains all the lore that doesn’t make any sense to any reasonable person.

Because seriously, this book was written on crack, I swear. The wizard explains to the group of travelers that their land is cursed, and they must find the cure. But what is the curse? I mean, does it like kill people and shit? Oh, no. That’d be kind of cool. No, the curse is nothing. It’s bullshit, really. It’s just like people will say that you’re hot-tempered. Well, that’s just the curse. Or maybe you’re ugly. Yeah, if it wasn’t for this curse, you’d be sexy as fuck. Yeah, right. Bullshit.

And what is the cure for this curse? Something good. Yeah. This lore-master wizard explains to the group that they must find something good. This will cure the land of this horrible curse that isn’t really a curse. Something good? Seriously? This is a damn fine sammich, but I don’t think it’s gonna cure no curses, man.

So then they travel to a flying forest, filled with monkey people. I told you this book was written on crack. Many battles ensue with monsters and giants and monster giants and flying bat people. Then a huge giant cat-frog descends from the heavens and saves everyone. Well, he’ll save them if they’ve got some cat food, that is.

There’s so much happening in this book, it would take me three hundred pages just to write a proper synopsis for fuck’s sake. I mean there was a hot air balloon ride. A hostage negotiation with a billionaire. An epic gladiator battle in a huge colosseum, old Roman style. It just goes on and on. And it’s fucking awesome.

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1 of 5 MILF-Fucker Stars – The Wayward Soul by George Flores.

I really hated this book. The first half of it was complete shit. The second half was slightly less stinky shit, but shit nonetheless. Because the story is stupid and pointless. So you got problems at school. Problems at home. Big fucking deal. Welcome to the teenage years, dumbass.

This story is about a young man who’s getting tired of high school. And tired of his naggy parents. So he says ‘fuck it’ and hoofs it out of town. He gets lost as fuck and is rescued by a thirty-something hot woman. He wakes up at her farm. In her bed. Knee-deep in MILF pussy.

Okay, great. Now what? There’s no fucking conflict. They just have breakfast, watch TV, chat about the fucking weather. Who the fuck cares, man? Life is so fucking wonderful. Oh goodie. I’m bored as fuck, man. Shoot something. Rape somebody. Punch someone in the fucking face, or something, goddamnit.

This is the real problem with this book. It’s just shiny happy fun time for two hundred pages or so. No conflict whatsoever. And there’s not even any graphic sex. They just do it. And she comes. Whooptie-freaking-doo. Like I care. I’d probably be happier if she didn’t come, and they had some huge argument about it. But no. It’s just sex and breakfast and oh what’s on TV, and oh look at the pretty flowers.

Goddamnit to hell. What is the goddamn point of this fucking story? To bore me to tears? Because that’s what it did. It certainly didn’t make me want to keep reading it. Because there was no forthcoming conflict. Nothing whatsoever in the horizon that would suggest that this story might get interesting. And it didn’t.

The MILF finally did kick the kid to the curb, because her old boyfriend came crawling back. Oh noes. The young guy has to go back to his horrible parents. But they’re really not horrible at all. They’re quite understanding, actually.

So even in the end, there’s no conflict. No, “Where the fuck have you been, boy? Yer gonna get a whoopin’ that’s for sure!” There’s none of that. Because that would be conflict, and we can’t have that, can we? That’d actually make the book worth reading. No, we can’t have that. Fuck this book.

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5 of 5 Nerd-Gasm Stars – Judgment Night by Nick Pollotta.

This book seems like it was created by a bunch of nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons. Even though there really were no dungeons or dragons per se. Because this book is a constant barrage of action. Seriously, I felt myself breathing heavy and sweating just from reading this fucking book. It was such a workout!

There’s this private detective who finds himself fighting werewolves and vampires for no apparent reason. It was just a random case that turned out weird. Then these super hero Bureau 13 agents show up and thwart the supernatural weirdness. And of course, they offer him a job. Because they already have a priest, a couple of mages, a ninja and a beefy military guy with guns. But they don’t have some random P.I. with a pistol.

And this random guy turns into their leader. I really have no idea why, because he really is fucking useless when it comes to fighting monsters. Sure, he can bark out orders like nobody’s business, but anyone can do that. It doesn’t take any special ability to scream, “Pink Turtle formation! STAT!”

After they recruit Mr. Random Guy, the story cuts to a while later, when it’s business as usual. They’re on a fishing trip, just minding their own business, when a huge monster bursts out of the water. A huge battle ensues which I assume took many dice rolls to complete. Then, the 13’s are off to find their secret headquarters. Which is really secret, because even they don’t know where the fuck it is.

You see, Bureau 13 is fucking huge. It’s like a secret FBI, or something. With many divisions and operations. It’s not just these five D&D nerds. But this story is centered around these guys, and thank God for that. Because if there was any more to this book, it would go on forever. Because fuck, man. There’s so much happening with just this rag-tag bunch of nerds, I can’t even imagine what would happen with the whole Bureau involved.

The nerds travel to New York, where they think they might find their headquarters. A huge nuclear explosion goes off and tears New York a new asshole, and tosses the nerd’s impenetrable RV into some apartment complex. They escape on foot, off to find their secret base. And they come across monster after monster on their short journey through town.

When they finally do find their secret base, they’re briefed on the whole plot thing. Apparently, a scary cloud is on its way to destroy New York. I mean, it’s going to destroy what’s left of New York. But how do they even know that? It’s just a cloud, out in the ocean, minding its own fucking business. Who the fuck knows. Don’t ask questions of the Dungeon Master, okay?

The nerds set out to stop the scary cloud, and find a mysterious island directly below it. They eventually find out that it’s the long-lost city of Atlantis, or something. And it’s filled with countless monsters to fight, and puzzles to solve.

I couldn’t possibly break down this entire book in a review. It just goes on forever, even though it’s a fairly short novel. There’s just so much action packed into the pages, it’s mind-boggling. And I loved it so much. Never a dull moment.

I’ve never actually played D&D, and this book doesn’t even mention D&D, but somehow it made me want to get together a bunch of nerds and play D&D. But something tells me that without Nick Polletta as the dungeon master, it wouldn’t be near as much fun as this book.

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2 of 5 Not-Very-Sparkly Stars Strigoi by Ron D. Voigts.

This is a very standard Dracula type story, where a vampire holds a secluded town under his spell. There’s nothing particularly original about it. It’s just vampires and shapeshifters and priests and whores and… Damn, it’s pretty much True Blood.

The story starts out with a man named Alex, trying to kill himself. And he’s not fucking around. He’s got a bottle of pills. A big fucking knife. And he’s jamming a gun in his mouth. He just can’t decide if he should shoot up, for more of a brain angle, or down, for more of a paralyzed the rest of your life angle. Why this is even a consideration, is anyone’s guess.

As he’s standing there in his kitchen, failing miserably to kill himself, a guy raps on the window. “Hey dumbass!” Alex looks around his kitchen, a bit confused. Mumbles something that sounds like, “Whooae meah?” With the gun still jammed in his mouth, of course.

Because fuck that bitch. There’s no fucking way Alex is letting his soon to be ex-wife get the last word. He’s determined to fucking end his life with a bang. “Yeah you, fucktard,” said the stranger outside the window. “I’ve got a package for ya. And trust me, you’re going to like it.”

A non-verbal argument ensued, as Alex tried to explain in no uncertain terms that he was in fact going to kill himself. No package or blowjob was going to change his fucking mind. Okay, maybe a really good blow job. But there’s nothing in a box that would possibly change his mind. Unless it was a dick-in-a-box.

Unfortunately, it was not, in fact, a dick-in-a-box. It was a letter informing Alex that his long-lost uncle had died and left him a huge estate out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. With tons of cash. And bitches. And vampires. Wait, no it didn’t say anything about the vampires. That would kind of give away Dracula’s evil tricks, now wouldn’t it? I mean it’s hard to lure fresh meat out to your secluded estate if you tell them up front that you ‘vant tooo drink thair bloooood’.

I really liked the first few chapters, and the last few chapters in this book. The in-between chapters sucked donkey balls. It’s just Alex meeting his creepy neighbors. Doing the whole Scoobie-Doo thing as he tries to unravel the mystery of how or why his so-called uncle was killed. And why, oh why do so many people want to suck him off? I mean, I’m not one to protest such things, but come on people, give it a rest.

In the end, I think this book should have been much shorter. Because there’s just way too much filler that didn’t need to be there. It’s just not a 300 page story. 100 pages, at the most. I’d probably even recommend this story if it was a concise 100 pages. Because then it would actually be worth reading. As it is, the bullshit in this story overtakes the good bits, and makes it suck in more ways than one.

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2 of 5 Space-Junk Stars – Live Free or Die by John Ringo.

A friend of mine has a hard-on for John Ringo. So he’s always pushing Ringo’s books down my throat. I started reading this book several months ago, but kept having to put it down, because one of the things I hate the most about any kind of fiction is fucking bullshit politics. And this book is FILLED with politics.

Why? Why the fuck do we need politics in space? When I first saw The Phantom Menace, my biggest complaint wasn’t about Jar-Jar, it was about all the fucking politics. I don’t get it. Why tell a story about congress? Why include any kind of politics in a story? It’s bullshit, and it just stalls the story. Politics just bore me to tears, and puts me to sleep every time.

But my friend assured me that this book was worth it. “Trust me, dude. You’ll love it,” he said. Well, fucking bullshit. I hated it. Well, I kind of liked the story, if that’s all it was, but unfortunately, it was inundated with so much political nonsense, that it just wasn’t worth reading. It was a waste of fucking time. I found myself fast-forwarding through pages, to find something that wasn’t littered with politics.

It’s the story that made me want to keep reading, despite the politics. It’s about an alien invasion. But it’s a friendly invasion, of sorts. The aliens just want to do some trades for some heavy metals. Nothing intrusive. We’re just friendly green guys, don’t mind us. Sure. Trust the aliens. Why not. I mean, they only destroyed a few cities. For sport. So they can’t be that bad, right?

But the aliens get bored with destroying things for sport, so they go out looking to get wasted, and come across a local drug dealer, Tyler Durden who’s gotten tired of running his fight club. Tyler learns that the aliens are semi-allergic to most foods on earth, so he sets out to find something that the aliens can tolerate. He makes a bit of a taste test for the aliens, using cups of just about everything. A cup of sugar, a cup of flour, a cup of oil, a cup of whale jizz, and a cup of maple syrup.

All of these choices make the aliens sick, except for the whale jizz. The aliens get high as balls off whale jizz. They can’t get enough of it. And they’ll give Tyler all the sexy technology they have for as much whale jizz as Tyler can provide. So in a very short period of time, Tyler Durden becomes the richest man in the world. I mean seriously, the richest man. Suddenly, he has more money than all the rest of the humans on the Earth combined. That’s a shit ton of dough, man. And a fuck-ton of whale jizz.

So, of course, Tyler Durden sets out to build his own Death Star, which he calls Troy. It’s nearly as big as our moon. Has walls that are a kilometer thick, and is pretty much indestructible. It doesn’t even need weapons. It’s so massive, it can just plow its way through any battle. Throw all the nukes you want at Troy, and it’ll just smile and keep coming at you. It will just keep coming and coming with its synthetic whale jizz. Because that’s how Tyler Durden rolls, man.

This really could have been a good book. But it wasn’t. Because of all the political horseshit. I couldn’t stand it. I had to dig through all that garbage to even find the fucking story. Which was actually a pretty good story, if you took out all the political shit. But it wasn’t a 400 page story. Maybe 200.

If Ringo had just published the actual story, without all the horseshit, it would have been 4 stars, at least. But no. He had to go and skullfuck it, like so many authors do. What a fucking waste. I really hope John Ringo chokes on some whale jizz, just for some poetic justice.

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2 of 5 Magic-Elephant-Cock Stars – Outsourced by Eric J. Gates.

After the author of this book sent this one to me for review, I immediately put it on the bottom of my pile of books to review. Because look at this goddamn cover. It’s fucking retarded. I’m not sure why I hate it so much, but I really do. Thankfully, the book was actually better than the cover. Not that it’s good, mind you. It’s just not that bad.

This is the story of two writers, and a magic pen. Oh, and an assassin, who wants his fucking magic pen back. Because it’s really easy to kill people when you have a magic pen that can literally write fatal accidents into your target’s future. Because that’s what this pen does. If you write it, it will happen. Or something like that.

Apparently, the pen is not as easy as it seems. Because it has a mind of its own, and it’s a sneaky little fuck. You see, it’s like a magic Genie in a lamp, apparently. You have to write very specific instructions, or your wish will backfire. Like Nic, one of the writers who came upon the pen. He writes, “I wish my wife wasn’t such a bitch…” And sure enough, she’s not a bitch anymore, because shortly after that, she dies in a horrible car accident. Problem solved, right? I’m telling you, that pen is a motherfucker. A curse, if you will.

Wow. This sounds like a pretty interesting story, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not, goddamnit. It has such an awesome premise. The first few chapters are actually very good, but then comes the conspiracy horseshit. Where did this magic pen come from? How does it work? Let’s go talk to a physics professor and find out some actual science about this thing. Then find out its origin. Crack the secret language that’s written on the box it came in. Do endless google searches. No, not to google “pen in vagina porn”, because that might actually be interesting.

But why all the fucking research, man? I don’t give a fuck how this thing works. Nobody should care how it works, just use it, already. Get rich. Fuck some bitches. Make friendly aliens appear in Central Park, you know just for the fun of it. Because fuck, man. Think of the possibilities. It’s endless.

But nooooo. Because now the NSA are tailing Nic’s ass. And just about every other government spy agency around the globe. I mean, everyone wants this fucking pen. Because, of course they do. It’s fucking awesome! And this cocksuker Nic isn’t even using the goddamn thing. Such a shame. Someone should just send an assassin after him.

The original owner of the pen, the assassin, gets bored in his retirement from killing people, and comes back to the states to retrieve what’s rightfully his. But he finds his assassination attempts against Nic quite frustrating, because now Nic has the Power of Greyskull! Or whatever. He can thwart all of the assassin’s plans just by making a few notes.

Notes like, “I’m immortal” and “I have the biggest cock in the world” and “Okay, I don’t really need a 12 foot cock. Make it just a foot” and “Goddamnit, not a real foot, motherfucker. I mean make it a foot long cock” “Not a chicken! Fuck. Now my cock’s a chicken. A FOOT LONG PENIS, GODDAMNIT. I HAVE A FOOT LONG PENIS, OKAY? IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?!”

He wasn’t quite happy with his foot long elephant penis, either. Because it was so fat and wide, it was completely useless. But he decided to cut his losses and do some more google searching: “how to fuck with a foot long elephant cock” google gave him a funny look and said, “fuck a very tiny elephant, you idiot.”

See, here I go making the book more interesting than it is. I often do that when I get bored as fuck while reading a book. Because there was so much conspiracy horseshit in this book, I just couldn’t stand it. The author really did make a great premise, but he skullfucked it so hard, it turned out useless.

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4 of 5 Cycle-Of-Abuse Stars – Tears of Innocence by T. R. Robinson.

I really hated the first part of this book. And I was torn because of it. I mean, how the fuck am I supposed to critique a book about a girl getting raped during WWII? Not to mention getting raped by just about every other man she ever met. Including her goddamn relatives. It was relentless, all the rape and violence.

It took a while to get there, though. To get to the violence, that is. Because that was what I was looking for. Because I’m a sick and twisted fuck. The whole family thing, with her losing her mother, and being moved from house to house… I just didn’t really care.

But then the rape and torture kicked in, and I found myself being glued to the pages of this book. Not just because they were covered with my jizz, mind you. I mean, the story became very real. Because this is an autobiography of sorts, so these things actually happened to this girl. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Her misery just went on and on, like there was no end to it at all.

One thing about this girl that really drove me nuts was the fact that during all her rape and torture, she always called out to God. Why, God? Save me, God. Oh, please, KILL ME GOD! Like he’s some guy watching the whole thing from the clouds and encouraging the rapists. “Oh yeah, that’s good. Get deep in that ass. Yeah.”

Like the world is God’s very own real-life PornHub, or something. Never once did this girl think that there was no God looking after her. He faith never wavered. I don’t know if I’d call that completely retarded, stupid, insane, or just plain brave as fuck. I mean, how is God going to save you? If you believe that God has control over what happens to you, then why’d he let you get captured in the first place? Oh, right. Because, porn.

The girl doesn’t really escape her Nazi captors, she’s just thrown out with the other corpses. I guess they thought she was dead, or something. Maybe they got tired of sloppy 32nds. I mean you can only sodomize a fifteen year old girl for so long, before it just gets way too sloppy. They didn’t even touch the vag. Because, ewww. The vag is gross, man. That thing could eat you alive. Fuck that.

Some nice people find this young girl, moaning amongst the other zombies in the pile, and they pull her out from under the corpses, and take her home and mend her up. And then, they leave. They seemed so nice. But the fucking Nazis are coming, man. Fuck this girl. She can take care of her own damned self. Talk about not-so-good Samaritans.

The girl wanders around the countryside, getting raped and beaten by everyone she meets. By the Nazis, and the resistance alike. Because apparently, this is her lot in life. To get abused. So she just continues the trend. It’s all she knows. By this point, she figures getting raped in the ass, and beaten to a pulp is just what guys did. It’s just normal, right? The beatings are the foreplay, yes?

So she ends up marrying a complete asshole. Who beats the living shit out her even BEFORE they get married. Before? Seriously? Come on, man. What the fuck is wrong with women? If he beats you before you get married, why the fuck would he stop once you’re married? Because after marriage, you’re his, to do with as he wishes. Before marriage, he’s just some asshole. But now, he’s your asshole. Congratulations, you fucking idiot.

I liked this story because it was so real. It wasn’t real because it’s supposedly a true story. It was real, because I’ve known women like this. This shit actually happens. Okay, there’s not usually Nazis involved, but still… It happens. And it’s fucking sad.

I hope all women read this fucking book, and learn a thing or two. Say no, for fuck’s sake. Leave the motherfucker. Kick him in the balls. Buy a motherfucking shotgun. You don’t have to live with abuse. And never ever think you can change a man. Because men don’t change. They just get worse.

Well, except for me, of course. I tried to choke my wife once, when we were first married. She promptly punched me in the face. I’ve been scared to death of her ever since. She’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And yes, she’s kicked me in the balls more times than I can count. You know, for fun.

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