Posts Tagged ‘fiction’

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4 of 5 Super-Shart Stars – Dissimilar Shorts 4 by J.B. Taylor.

Sometimes I watch Ghost Hunters, just for a good laugh. Because that show really is retarded. And every fucking time I watch it, I hope to Christ that some actual ghost would jump out and gang-rape the shit out of those guys. Because that would be fucking hysterical.

The first story in this book is about just such a scene. A TV show goes to investigate a haunted house, and end up getting gang-raped by a little girl with an axe. A ghost axe, of course. And damn, if that little girl isn’t evil as fuck. I totally want to keep her in my basement, on a very short leash. For science!

Okay, maybe she’s not really evil. She’s just lonely. And killing more people gets more ghosts stuck in her house. More people to have tea with. More people to torture. And more screams! It’s always good to get more screams. Screams are her life-blood. It’s what she lives for. Crazy ass little girl.

The other story in this book is about super-heroes. Retarded super-heroes, apparently. Because, in the first scene, we find The Judge doing his super-tricks to thwart a bank robbery and save many lives. He can put anyone into a coma with just a thought. And he can fucking teleport anywhere, like that Jumper faggot.

But that’s not why he’s retarded. He’s retarded because the bad guys kidnap his girlfriend, and demand a ransom of 4 MILLION DOLLARZ. Oh noes! I guess I’d better go get that money then. Just rob a few banks, then I get my girl back. Cool. That’d be easy.

But wait, man. What the fuck? You have already shown us your motherfucking super-powers, so why the fuck are you robbing banks to pay these Russian cunts? Just do your thing, and snatch her back. How hard is that? You already did it before, so why are you running around robbing banks to give to the Russians? Have they brain washed you into being their bitch or something? What the actual fuck?

But wait, it gets worse. He meets yet another super-hero while he robs another bank. And she’s just as retarded. They have this whole epic fight scene, and after they’re finally tired of punching each other in the face, The Judge explains to her that he’s only stealing this dough to save a life. His precious girlfriend, who he’s never even fucked yet.

And I totally expected super-girl to respond with something like, “So, use your super-powers, man. Just go get her back, you fucking pussy. Why bother with all this money? Are you like retarded, or something?” But no. She totally went along with his plan, and helped him steal money to get his stupid girlfriend back.

I really did like both of these stories. I had my issues with the second one, but I still liked it. I mean, there was still lots of action and intrigue. And it even made me laugh because it was so fucking retarded. And if something can make you laugh, even if it’s unintentional, it can’t be that bad.

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4 of 5 Fucking-Fuck Stars – The Cause by Roderick Vincent.

It seems like this book was written by a man who hates the government. He longs for rebellion. And I have no idea why. Maybe the government fucked him over with a bogus tax refund. Or maybe Mr. Vincent actually works for the government, and knows first hand how totally fucked up it is.

This book is set in the not too distant future, 2022. That’s not very far away. Nothing can really happen in the United States in seven years that’s going to totally change the nation. We’re not going to starve to death. The country is not going to turn into a police state. It’s just going to be the same old US-Of-Fucking-A.

In this story, the government is so corrupt that it steals from its citizens. There’s no more middle class. You’re either rich as fuck, or you’re a poor-ass bitch, living on the street and sucking cock for one more hit of crack. And in this future, the crack is super-crack. It keeps you high as balls for weeks. Sweet.

So there’s this guy. He doesn’t really have a name. Well, he has like 4 different names, because he’s like a hacker or something. And he’s black, for some reason. And he’s a badass motherfucker. An MMA fighter. And a fresh recruit for the CIA.

After black panther boy finishes his training at the CIA farm, he’s picked up by a super hardcore special forces group. They fly him out to the jungle and beat the living shit out of him. Teach him the Tao of Bullshit. The Zen of hacking. And hardcore Buddha fighting.

It turns out that this special forces group is actually part of The Cause. A group that sets out to destroy the government oppression in the United States. To bring the country back to its principles. To kill a bunch of fucking politicians. And to use the word ‘fuck’ in ways that are just not fucking appropriate.

And I should be the last person to make this fucking accusation. Because I fucking use ‘fuck’ constantly. See how annoying that fucking shit is? You can’t just fucking put ‘fuck’ in a fucking sentence for no fucking reason. Sure, I do that fucking shit all the time, but fuck, man. I write for fucking humor for fuck’s sake.

I did like this book because it had quite a bit of good action. Plenty of killing, which is always a good thing. I mean, they killed people in training for fuck’s sake. That’s hardcore shit. But what I didn’t like was the fact that there was too much training and not enough actual opps.

Seriously, like ninety percent of this book is training. It was good, sure. But the hardcore boot camp didn’t have to go on for that long. Get to the fucking story already. And learn how to use the word ‘fuck’ for fuck’s sake. Damn.

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4 of 5 Robot-Cock Stars – Independence by Alasdair Shaw.

This story is very short. I mean, you can’t really call it a ‘book’ at 28 pages. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s packed into those few pages. And let me tell you, there’s more action and intrigue packed into this story than there is in many full length novels.

It’s about the aftermath of a brutal space battle, where two ships survive. Both of the ships are just barely supporting life, as they are so horribly damaged from the battle. But one of the ships seems to be repairing itself. Like it’s alive or something.

So of course the dumb white people (I have to assume they’re white) from the other ship go to investigate the self-healing ship. And damn. Shit happens, man. The dumb ass white people get gang raped by androids. Then, just for fun, the droids chop the white people into little bits. Like cold cuts.

So yea, robots are evil. I get that, man. But why do the humans have to be so goddamn stupid. I mean, why the fuck are you even investigating this fucking ship? There’s no life signs. There’s nothing on that ship that you need. Just blow (heh, I said blow) the ship to kingdom come (and come!), and get on with your life.

Because you can’t fucking argue with robots, man. They’ll just laugh and shoot you in the face. Because apparently these robots have personality traits, or something. They’re happy to do their job. Burning human flesh makes these droids giggle like little school girls. Sick and twisted school girls.

I liked this story because it was packed with non-stop action. And because I’m a sick and twisted bastard. I love reading about idiots getting what they deserve. And getting fucked by droids with chainsaw dicks was definitely what these dumb white people deserved.

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4 of 5 Alien-Matrix Stars – Reformed by by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book is described as a short story collection. But it’s not. It’s a novel. And quite a good novel. It’s one of the best sci-fi books I’ve read, and I’ve read quite a few.

The only reason I didn’t give it 5 stars is because of the short story structure. It would have been a better book if it was written as a novel, instead of segments of a novel.

This story is about the future of criminal justice. About pre-crime justice technology. And of course, aliens. You can’t have a sci-fi story without aliens, right?

There’s this guy, Joe, who just got out of prison. He goes to the half-way house to plan his criminal future. Or does he? It seems to me that his whole life could just be a simulation. Because part of the justice system in this future puts repeat criminals into a Deep Sleep. It’s like the Matrix, because the prisoners are suspended in a virtual reality world, where they’re allowed to do their crimes in peace.

And then there’s the pre-crime revolution. Technology that’s developed to determine if someone will become a criminal. Or, if a criminal is likely to repeat his crimes. There’s a whole debate within the justice system about the legality of this technology. Is it fair to put someone in prison just because the technology says they will eventually become a criminal? Sure, you may save some lives. But if that’s the case, you might as well just put everyone in the Matrix. You’ll save even more lives!

But wait, the aliens have invaded the virtual reality. Oh noes! Apparently these aliens aren’t little green men. They’re energy, or something. They travel through the electricity, and troll people on the internet. And then they get bored of trolling, and finally just invade Earth, and destroy everything. Because that’s the only way they know how to save the Earth.

What? Save it? You just fucking destroyed it, you goddamn cocksuckers! What the fuck, man? How is that saving us? Oh, because even more evil aliens are on their way to destroy the Earth. Great. That’s like the best troll ever. Motherfuckers.

So the other evil aliens show up and destroy even more of the Earth. Like it’s some kind of sport. And the Earthlings have finally had enough destruction, so they decide to fuck the Earth. It’s a goddamn wasteland anyway. And they build huge spaceships, and take off to populate some other world.

Or did they? Maybe this whole goddamn story is in the fucking Matrix. Maybe there’s really no aliens. It’s all just Joe’s Matrix fantasy world. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, this is a damn fine book. There’s amazing technology, and fascinating characters. I fucking loved it.

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3 of 5 Strange-Cock Stars – Tale of Two Bookends by Jessica Marie Baumgartner. Check out her WordPress blog.

This book puts an interesting twist on erotica. Why write about humans humping when you can write about demons humping? And I have to assume that these hunky demons sparkle in sunlight. Because this book reminds me a lot of those shitty Twilight books.

This book is about the incubus Dane Cook. He feeds off human energy to stay immortal. And for some reason, he has to have fresh cock at least once a month, or his sandy vagina will start to bleed. Or something like that. It’s really fucking stupid.

It’s like the author needed a reason to put Dane Cook into a three-way. Like a real life-threatening reason. Why the fuck you even need a reason, is beyond me. I mean, if you’re Dane Cook, you don’t need a reason to fuck some strange. You just do it. Because you’re Dane Motherfucking Cook, for fuck’s sake.

One day, Dane is just minding his own business, fucking strange pussy and sucking off strange cock. Then he bumps into this nerdy girl on the sidewalk. And immediately he’s obsessed with her. Nobody knows why. Even his incubus roommate is confused as fuck.

I mean how do you live for thousands of years, fucking strange ass every goddamn day, and then you just fall head-over-heels in love with some random nerdy chick? What the fuck, man? Give me a reason. Okay, so they both like books, and the girl owns a bookstore. Big fucking deal.

I need a reason why this girl is so special. Because, as far as I can tell, Jenna is just a slut. A plain, nerdy slut. Nothing special about her at all. If you’ve lived thousands of years as Dane Cook has, you’ve seen her type thousands of times. So why her?

There’s a few decent sex scenes in this book. I do like the bi-sexual angle, because I’m bi myself. But the scenes weren’t particularly unique or kinky. It’s just sex. And, apparently, it’s mind-blowing. Because this nerdy girl completely loses her mind for the very over-rated Dane Cook.

So he makes you cum. Big deal. Lots of guys can make you cum. It’s not rocket science, people. So I really don’t get the whole “Oh, you’ve made me cum. Wow. You can have me forever…” bit. Because there just isn’t any substance to their relationship.

Maybe it’s a girl thing. A fantasy. That some demon-boy will come sweep you off your feet. Make you cum. Tell you everything you want to hear. Oh you’re so beautiful. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. No, you totally don’t look fat in those pants. Girls. I’ll never understand them.

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4 of 5 Naughty-Glenn Stars – The Dark Half by Stephen King.

I got married back in 1989, when this book was first published. I read this book during our tumultuous first year of marriage. Back when there were literally two Glenns. Sweet and innocent Glenn (yeah, right). And bad, naughty, evil Glenn.

So I guess this book hit home with me. Because it’s about a writer who has a dark side of himself that comes out to play at night. I know the feeling. I used to stare at my new wife while she was sleeping and think, I could totally just smother her. Nobody would know. Well, the cats would know. But they wouldn’t tell anyone.

But this book isn’t about a guy who’s gone psycho. It’s about Thad Beaumont, an author who writes about a psycho under the pen name George Stark. The world finds out that Thad is really George. Just like Stephen King was outed as Richard Bachman.

So Thad says, fuck it. He has a funeral for his fucking pen name. He puts the fictional George to rest, and buries an empty casket in the ground with George’s name on it. Because Thad is sick and tired of being second fiddle. He wants to write his own shit. Be known as Thad, the wonder horse, or something. Because, come on man… Thad is like the dumbest name ever.

The fictional George Stark is not too happy about being buried alive. So he busts out of the grave as a real living, breathing asshole. And he goes on a killing spree, as you’d expect. Because that’s how you get the dumb girls. I mean, everyone knows that stupid chicks give the best head. And for some reason they fucking love serial killers.

And there’s a side benefit. Apparently, George has the same fingerprints as Thad. So all the cops are running after Thad for all the gruesome murders. But then, there’s the typical Stephen King clusterfuck…

You see, George being a fictional character that’s come to life is just way too simple for King. He can’t have that. He’s got to make it convoluted as fuck, or it’s just not a King book, now is it?

I loved King’s work back when he was George. I mean Richard Bachman. Because those books were pure. They didn’t have that typical King horseshit. Just good stories, with actual endings.

I liked The Dark Half because there was still a bit of Bachman left in King’s writing. It really was a great story before he had to go and skullfuck it by giving some actual explanation for George, the dark half of Thad the wonder horse.

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3 of 5 Ghost-Buster Stars – Alicia Bewitched by Nick Iuppa & John P. Mendoza.

It took me forever to get through this book. Usually it only takes me a couple of hours to read a 300 page book. But not this one. Because the first half of it was so fucking boring, I had to stop every so often, and do something else.

This book is about Alicia and her husband battling the evil James Bond villain Tiger Joy. The first half of the book is very repetitive. It’s just Alicia pining for her husband, who’s trapped in Tiger Joy’s prison.

It literally takes Alicia and her friends half the book to finally find a way to get her husband out of the prison. I really wish I had started this book at the half-way point, because after Carlos is free of his prison, the book really picks up, and finally becomes interesting.

This is a multiple-orgasm type of book. Not because it’s particularly erotic. It’s because this book has something like five goddamn climaxes. Alicia and Carlos keep having these epic battles against the evil James Bond villain. They kill her, but that doesn’t really matter. She just comes back as a ghost. Which isn’t very surprising, because Alicia herself is a ghost.

And a witch. And a shape-shifter. Wait, maybe that’s her husband. I don’t fucking know. It seems like everyone in this fucking book has some super-powers or another. Witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy, and of course doing fun ghost tricks.

Like when Alicia gives her husband head. And his cock goes through the back of her fucking skull. Because she’s a goddamn ghost. I really don’t get how the living have sex with ghosts, but somehow they manage it.

I really hated the first half of this book. But the second half made up for it. It was quite the joyride of action, once Carlos was free. Because Tiger Joy is a persistent little cunt. And she even has a sister named Kitty, who can turn into a cat and sit on Tiger’s lap, like a real James Bond villain. Isn’t that cute?

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3 of 5 Totally-Catfished Stars – Before Time by Xunaira J.

This entire book is fucking pointless. It’s just a long drawn-out mIRC conversation. It’s nearly two hundred pages, but that’s all it is. Just online chat bullshit. It just never goes anywhere. I kept hoping for something to happen in the real world, but it never did.

This story is about twenty-year-old Onaiza and her online boyfriend. Okay, he’s not really her boyfriend. He’s just some random stranger on mIRC who suddenly becomes very interested in her. Or maybe he’s not interested in her at all. Because he’s so fucking aloof.

He tells her over and over in chat that she shouldn’t care for him. That he’s a cold-hearted asshole. That she should never trust anyone on mIRC, especially not him. He tells her that she definitely should NOT tell him any of her secrets. No, anything but that. Please.

Apparently, that’s the best way to get some innocent girl to tell you everything about herself. Because that’s what she does. She immediately tells him everything about herself. How she’s an ugly fat whale. How she’s probably better off dead. Because nobody cares about her. Awwww.

Seriously, she’s such a cry baby. She sounds more like a 13-year-old than a twenty year old. I mean, I’m really not sure who’s being catfished here. Because the dude sounds like he’s probably in his forties. If he is in fact a dude. So maybe they’re double catfishing. Ha! Wouldn’t that be something?

If you don’t know what catfishing is, for fuck’s sake man, turn on the TV for once in your life. There’s a movie called Catfish which spawned a TV show that is on its third season now. It’s about people who pretend to be someone else on the internet. Sometimes they do it because they’re really in love, but are ashamed of who they really are. Other times, they just like fucking with people.

So that’s really what I assumed this story was. A catfish story. But I really couldn’t tell who was being catfished. If either of them was. Because they talked about life, and love. About sex, and orgasms. About how she’s beautiful on the inside. And how she should really lose some weight, man. Because, damn.

But nothing ever really happened. There was no conclusion at all. Except for them both telling each other off. Fine, don’t love me. I didn’t like you anyway. Oh yea? Well… Well, you’re a fat whale. So there! Neener, neener. Okay, maybe the guy isn’t some forty-year-old creep. More like ten.

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4 of 5 Snarky-Wizard Stars – Storm Front by Jim Butcher.

This book is fucking awesome. It’s so witty and funny. And ridiculous. I mean, if you were a wizard, a real wizard, would you really go into business as some kind of private detective? Put an ad in the fucking yellow pages? That’s retarded. And funny as hell.

This book is about Harry Dresden. A professional wizard working in Chicago. He does in fact have an ad in the yellow pages. And a sign on his door that says, “Wizard For Hire!” Like anyone is gonna take that seriously. You might as well put a sign on your door that says, “Crazy Retard For Hire!” Because that’s what people are gonna think. That you’re a crazy retard. Because magic isn’t real. Everyone knows that.

Except that it really is real in this version of Chicago. I mean, nobody knows it’s real, except Harry. But whenever unexplained things start to happen in Chicago, people come to him for help. Because he understands the things that normal people don’t understand. Because he’s a fucking wizard. Deal with it. **SUNGLASSES**

After it’s established that this book is indeed silly as fuck, Harry is hired by some woman who thinks her husband is losing his fucking mind. Harry finds out that the husband isn’t really losing his mind. He’s just high as balls. Magic balls. Of course.

Then Harry gets a call from a chick he totally wants to bang. Karrin Murphy who works for a special ghost-busters unit of the Chicago PD. And also doesn’t know how to fucking spell ‘Karen’. Apparently, she found two dead bodies with their hearts ripped out. It’s black magic. Or something. So obviously it has something to do with that wack-job Harry Dresden.

And then there’s like vampires and shit. And warlocks. And demons. You know, the usual supernatural garbage. I mean, yeah, the story is pretty stupid and simple. And it’s borrowed from every other fantasy type book. But I don’t fucking care. This book isn’t awesome because of the fucking story. It’s awesome because of the characters. The fun, witty banter.

So what if the story basically comes down to burning up a meth house. It’s like Jim Butcher just took a standard Chicago PD case, and threw in a wizard. For shits and giggles. And it worked. I giggled so much, I think I shit myself.

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5 of 5 Pinned-To-The-Wall Stars – Pinned! by Vicki C. Smith.

This is the most erotic book I have ever read. And I’ve read quite a bit of erotica. I pretty much had a raging boner the entire time, while reading this book. If it was an actual paperback, instead of a kindle version, it would be quite sticky.

This is the story of Sindy, a married woman who really enjoys violent, forceful sex. The first scene in this book is a violent rape scene. For a second, I thought she was really getting raped. But then, it turns out that she had this whole thing arranged.

In a darkened hallway, in a mall. Where the cameras can’t see. She’s taken forcefully. Thrust down to the cement floor, and fucked mercilessly. The ‘stranger’ slaps her ass with a hard leathered hand. Wraps her long hair around his fist, and keeps on pounding until she cums like a racehorse.

Sindy works in a hair salon, in the mall. She takes her lunch break, and is approached by a handsome business man. They have some conversation, and he invites her to work part-time at his bowling alley. This excites crazy ass Sindy, because it’s been said that shady things happen at that bowling alley. Drug dealers. Pimps. Mobsters.

She takes the job, and soon finds out that she’s not just a bartender at the bowling alley. Jeremy, the handsome business man who hired her, asks her back to his office and promptly tosses her over his desk and violently fucks her. Giving her orders. “Bend over, kneel, put your hands over your head…”

And Sindy fucking loves every second of it. She can’t get enough of this kinky sex. Even though she has a husband and a daughter at home. She doesn’t fucking care. She just want’s to get fucked hard. Is that so wrong? I say nay nay.

And then Jeremy starts killing people, as you do. And he gets Sindy to help him dispose of the body. Which makes her horny as fuck. So they fuck madly, right next to the dead body. Man, this bitch is 50 shades of seriously fucked in the head. But goddamn, that was some hot erotic action.

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