Posts Tagged ‘god’

0jihad

2 of 5 Free-Will-Is-A-Bitch Stars – Moirae by Mehreen Ahmed.

I didn’t like this book at all. It had too much politics and religion for me to give a shit. The story is supposedly set on some fantasy world, but it seems to me that this fantasy world is simply the Middle East. Because there’s all the jihad shit, and Muslims, and Mohammad and Jesuits.

This story is about the battle between those religions. Where families and farms are wiped out by roving gangs of jihad thugs. Because if you don’t belong to their religion, you don’t deserve to live. You don’t deserve to have a home and a farm. You don’t deserve happiness.

One young man is framed for murder, or something. His family struggles to get enough money to get the boy out of the country. But instead, the boy takes off on a bus. He goes off to try to live his own life somewhere else. And it’s always a struggle. No food. No water. No place to sleep. No pot to piss in.

His life sucks donkey balls, but he struggles on, praying to the random god of the week. Because he can’t decide what he believes in. He’s trying to convert to the best religion, to play with the politics, and finally get a decent job. Or maybe move further out in the country, where nobody will find him.

He finds a church that wants to help him. They give him a place to stay, and chores to do. They feed him, and wash his feet. Because apparently that’s their sick fetish, or something.

Eventually, word gets to him that his family has been brutally murdered, and their farm is just an unclaimed wasteland. So yippie! He goes back home to start his life anew. But everyone knows that the thugs will be back again. They’ll probably rape and pillage once more. But hey, live dangerously, right? Sure.

This entire book went on and on about how God will provide. Don’t worry. I know you’re starving, but God will provide. I know you’re living on the streets. You’re cold. You’re miserable. You want to kill yourself. But don’t worry, God will provide.

Fucking bullshit. God doesn’t provide shit. Ever heard of free will? God helps those that help themselves. In other words, God doesn’t help at all. He gave us free will, so we can fend for ourselves. He’s an absentee landlord. He doesn’t give a fuck about you. People die every fucking day. God doesn’t care.

The characters in this book do finally realize that it’s all a crock of shit. They start doing things for themselves, because it’s pretty goddamn obvious that God’s out to lunch or something. You can’t wait forever for your God fantasy. You have to do it yourself.

Then, of course, when they finally get what they want, they thank God for providing. HE DIDN’T PROVIDE SHIT, YOU STUPID CUNTS! When will people get this through their stupid thick skulls? Probably never. Because people are stupid ass sheep.

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2 of 5 Prelude-To-Hoseshit Stars – The One Path by Larry S. Gerovac.

You know what really pisses me off? When a book is just a prelude to a series. There’s no beginning, middle, and end to this book. It’s just the beginning. And there’s no fucking conclusion whatsoever. It’s bullshit, is what it is.

This book is the story of Thomas, God’s last prophet. He’s just some average jackass. He’s not even particularly religious. But one of God’s angels came to him in a vision, and told him to lead the people to victory. To fight the battle with the demons who seek to destroy the world.

So Thomas wakes from his vision and says, “Alrighty then…” And takes off to Rome, to see the Pope. I’m not sure why he set out to seek the Pope’s wisdom. I mean Thomas isn’t even Catholic. And it’s not like the Pope can tell him anything that God’s angels can’t. Plus, the Pope’s people are probably just gonna think Thomas is bat-shit insane.

But Thomas gets lucky. He bumps into a nun who listens to his story. Because she’s an old lady who’s not playing with a full deck of cards. Thomas spouts some religious text to her, and she immediately believes him to be God’s last prophet. So she fast-tracks him to see the Pope.

Once Thomas finally gets to meet His Holiness, the Pope bashes Thomas upside the head with a staff. Because, apparently that’s how you tell if someone is a demon, or just plain human. Because demons heal faster. And Thomas just stood there with a stupid look on his face, as blood dribbled down his face.

“Well, shit…” the Pope said. “I guess you’re not a demon after all.” And then they have a long pointless conversation. Because the whole meeting was pointless. There’s nothing the Pope can tell you that’s gonna help with anything, Thomas. He’s just a man, like you.

Thomas goes off to fight the good fight against the demons with his trusty sidekick, Myrrh. Because all religious crusaders need their own personal computer hacker, apparently. Oh yea, and Myrrh can channel angels and demons and stuff. And he can tell when things are real, or imaginary. Quite the useful sidekick.

And then there’s the whole antichrist thing. The devil impregnated some young girl to birth his hellspawn, but he doesn’t do it the fun way. He doesn’t actually fuck her. No, that’d be cool. We can’t have that. No, he just takes her to his evil lab and impregnated her with some evil plasma super-sperm, or something. With a fucking needle and a petri dish. No dick required. Man, some demons just don’t know how to party.

And then the book ends. Okay, not right there, but soon after the hell-spawn is born. It just ends. Thomas and his sidekick aren’t any closer to stopping the evil demons, and God finally decides that Thomas is a useless fuckstick. The end.

Seriously? Come on, man. This is fucking bullshit. It’s like just as the book was finally getting interesting, it ends. I was bored out of my mind, until the last few chapters. I actually got interested in the story. And then it ends on a motherfucking cliffhanger.

I know I’ve been on kind of a 2 star rampage lately. But it’s not my fault. Authors keep sending me these bullshit books, and it’s pissing me off. Somebody please send me a good book to read. I’m really getting sick and tired of reading horseshit.

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0la

1 of 5 Gay-As-Fuck Stars – Lamb by Christopher Moore.

I fucking hate this book. It bored me to tears. It had an interesting premise, which is why I started reading it in the first place. But Christopher Moore just took that premise and skull-fucked it. He shit the bed with this fucking book, and I have no fucking clue why so many people love it so much.

It’s the story of Biff, Jesus’ childhood friend. But of course, Biff calls him ‘Josh’, as you do. The book details the years that were left out of the Bible, the actual childhood of ‘Josh’ and Biff. How they learned kung-fu together. Discovered coffee. Invented sarcasm.

Okay, see even my description makes it sound like an interesting book, but IT’S NOT, GODDAMNIT. It’s boring as fuck. It’s just page after page of them wandering around, doing mostly nothing. Very rarely did they do anything worth noting. It’s just bullshit.

I was hoping that this book was going to poke fun at the Bible. That always amuses me. Tearing Christians to shreds is one of my favorite pastimes. But if anything, this book reinforced the ideas of the Bible. You know, helping people and all that shit. I hate it so much.

Fuck people. People are assholes. Most of them deserve to die a horrible death. Especially, back in those days. People were not nice. They were only out for themselves. You know, like most people are today. Fucking assholes.

I did not pick up this book to get preached at, which is what it ended up doing. Don’t fucking preach to me, Moore. I know I’m an asshole. I’m fine with it. If there really is a hell, I would enjoy going there, because at least then, I wouldn’t be stuck in bullshit heaven, having to deal with my fucked-up relatives. I’d rather burn in hell, thank you very much.

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