Posts Tagged ‘horror’

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3 of 5 Sick-As-Fuck Stars – The House by Edward Lee.

I’m usually not very fond of haunted house books. They’re just not that scary, or offensive at all. But that can’t be said about this book. It’s scary as fuck. And OMG is it brutally offensive in every way.

I had just finished reading The Pig, and figured, what the fuck, I might as well read this book, which is the story of what becomes of the farm house that The Pig was set in. Because the end of The Pig was quite horrific. So of course, The House is haunted as fuck.

It’s 30 years later, and geek-nerd Melvin has been sent to The House, to write a piece for the newspaper, about life in rural, upstate New York. Sounds simple enough. He drives to the house with his new hot-as-fuck stepmom. His dad says she’s got the best tits in New York, and soon enough, Melvin gets to see them with his own eyes.

Because shit gets crazy, and his new stepmom ends up banging a whole biker gang, because apparently she’s possessed by one of the whores that used to live in the house 30 years earlier. So, Melvin spies on his stepmom, while she bangs a bunch of bikers. While some other whore’s foot is deep in her ass.

Melvin watches, as his stepmom eats someone’s fresh, steaming shit, off a pool table, as she’s banged in the ass by more biker guys. So this book is pretty standard Edward Lee porn. But, I have to say, it’s a bit more original that usual. I’ve read several of his books, and this is the first time I’ve read about some hot bitch getting fucked in the ass, then pissed in the ass, then squirting chocolate syrup into her ass, to make a nice chocolate piss shake.

It’s amazing to me that nerdy Melvin remains a 30 year old virgin, throughout all the debauchery happening around him. Hell, a whore even offers to suck him off for 20 bucks. She even offers her pussy to him instead, but he just keeps getting distracted by all the horrifying visions from the haunted house.

I get it man, it’s pretty sick and twisted, what happened in that house. But come on… Get your priorities straight. Fuck that whore. Bang that pussy. Pop that cherry. Then, and only then, should you worry about all the crazy visions from that fucked up house. Just sayin’.

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3 of 5 Pregnant-Jack Stars – Stirred by JA Konrath & Blake Crouch.

Well, it looks like Luther Kite is up to no good again. And, here’s superhero cop Jack Daniels to save the day once again. Whooptie-freakin-doo. I’ve read this same goddamn story in all of these Konrath and Crouch novels. It’s just the same shit over and over. Bad guy kills some people. Jack tries her best to solve the crime.

Then, the bad guy kills more people. He taunts Jack, so she knows who’s doing the dirty deeds. He wants her hot on his heels. The game is so much more exciting that way.

For the most part, this book is about revenge. Everyone wants revenge against Jack. Because she’s just so good at her job, that she keeps putting bad guys in prison. And bad guys fucking hate prison. So they break out, and go after her. Again, nothing new.

Bad guys being after jack is pretty much standard operating procedure in these books. It’s to be expected. It’s also pretty obvious that the same plot tricks will happen in this book that have happened in all the other books. One bad guy isn’t who he seems. No surprise. The bad guys will get within inches of executing their brilliant plan, only for Jack to save the day. It’s the same shit every time.

So yes, the first 2/3 of this rather hefty 500 page book is boring and predictable. The last 1/3 however, was actually quite fun. Because it turned into a fucking SAW movie. Luther Kite had set up a nifty little scheme, where he hijacked a bus, and took the poor passengers to an abandoned warehouse, where he had all kinds of gore and fun planned.

Just like the SAW movies, he set these poor saps up in horrifying contraptions, where Jack Daniels would have to come and save them. Or, more likely, Jack would just get to see them all die, one by one, in more and more sick and twisted ways.

If it weren’t for that last third of the book, I’d give this book only 2 stars. But that last bit redeemed it, and made it just barely worth reading.

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3 of 5 Fucked-Up Stars – The Pig by Edward Lee.

The problem with writing about debauchery, is that there are only so many variations of brutal sex and torture. Or at least that’s what I’m assuming, with this book. Because Edward lee repeats himself often in this book. He borrows from his other sick and twisted books, instead of coming up with new and interesting debauchery.

Well, except for the bestiality, of course. That sick and twisted porn is exclusive to this book, as far as I can tell. Because that’s what this book is. Porn. The most disgusting porn I’ve ever read, that’s for sure. There’s pig fucking, where the junkie whore catches the pig’s jizz in a shot glass and downs that shit with a grin. Then, there’s the dog fucking. And the horse fucking.

And it’s all captured on film, by our hero, the geeky Leonard D’arava. Leonard is a film school nerd who was looking to make his first film, fresh out of school. Like an idiot, he got a loan from a brutal loan shark, to make his film. Of course, when the time came to pay back the loan, Leonard didn’t have the cash.

So now, Leonard is owned by the mob. They keep him at an old farmhouse, out in the middle of nowhere, to make his dirty animal porn. With two strung out junkie whores to keep him company.

One day, the mobsters show up with some white bitch who was the daughter of some judge. I guess the judge didn’t take kindly to bribery, so the mobsters took his daughter to the farm, to make a nice snuff film. Leonard films the whole thing. He’s not happy with his lot in life, but there’s not much he can do about it.

The mobsters didn’t give a fuck about Leonard, or the skanky whores, so the only food they left at the farmhouse was dog food. So, after a brutal pig-fucking session, where the whores ended up killing the pig, Leonard decided something… Fuck this shit. He’d eat that motherfucking pig.

He butchered it up, and ate that pig. Then, he literally turned into a demon. Because apparently, that pig was cursed or something. His body turned green. His cock went from being 5 inches erect, to being 10 inches flaccid. Oh, and he started growing horns on his head. Like you do.

At night, he went across the field to an Amish community, and fucked all the virgin Amish girls with his 15 inch cock. Because, that’s what you do when you’re a green demon with a huge cock. You go impregnate a bunch of pure-as-the-driven-snow Amish girls with your literal demon seed.

I liked this book, because it was sick and disgusting. It made me cringe more than once, that’s for sure. I hated this book, because it was just more of the same Edward Lee porn. For him, it wasn’t very original.

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3 of 5 Not-Enough-Rape Stars – Happy Ever After by Matt Shaw.

This book had an interesting idea. Kidnap a girl, and force her to love you. Just tie her up in your basement, until she loves you. That’d work, right? Sure it will. Then, when she comes around, and decides to finally love you, she totally won’t chop your dick off and run for the hills. Right?

Fucking stupid. Of course she’s going to try to escape. And she’s not going to love you. She might pretend to love you, but she would never really love you. Why would you do it that way? Wouldn’t it make more sense to tie her up and just keep her as a sex slave? At least then you’d get laid, you stupid fuck.

But no. He’s got her tied up in a bedroom all this time, and he doesn’t fuck her until halfway through the goddamn book. And by then, it’s not even rape, because she’s pretending to love him. And it’s not even gory details about how he slapped her around, or anything. It’s just… Then he fucked her, and there was a wet spot on the bed. Ohhh, how enticing. Fucking bullshit.

It seems like this book is just an exercise in conflict. Sure, the entire book is filled with conflict. But unfortunately, it’s just one conflict. How does this girl get away from this guy? That’s it. Nothing else. So why bother reading it, if it’s just the same struggle over and over? Once you’ve read a page of it, you’ve pretty much read the book. There’s really no surprises.

There’s not even any goddamn torture porn. It’s nothing you can jack off too, that’s for sure. So, what’s the fucking point? It’s just the same stupid shit over and over for 400 some pages.

So fuck off, Matt Shaw. Eat my motherfucking ass. Have some variety next time. Or at least rape the bitch over and over. Give me something. Damn.

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3 of 5 Stupid-Cunt Stars – Desert Places by Blake Crouch.

A moderately sick and twisted book. Full of twists and turns of the knife. Most of it was decent serial killer horror. It kept me guessing until the end. Never knew who was going to get tortured and killed next.

That being said, the main character, Andrew, who narrates the book, is the most boring cunt there is. Throughout the entire book, I was rooting for someone to fucking stab him in his stupid goddamn cunt. Somebody please shut this guy’s whore mouth.

Seriously. Andrew is a stuck-up little girly boy who deserves all the pain and anguish that he gets. Actually more. They should have tortured him more.

But no. He always gets away. Goddamnit to hell. I mean how hard is it to kill one guy? He’s a writer, not a fucking super hero. And the bad guys in this book are just total monsters. They kill people for no fucking reason. All the time.

So why’s it so hard to kill Andrew? Sure, he’s the brother to one of the bad guys. And the bad brother wants to mentally torment poor Andrew. But really, where’s the fun in that? Just shoot him in the fucking face.

So fuck Andrew in his stuck-up, tight butthole. Because he’s boring. In fiction, that’s the worst sin of all.

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2 of 5 Not-So-Sick Stars – Sicker Bastards by Matt Shaw.

This book tries really hard to be sick and twisted. And it fails miserably. I’ve read sick and twisted, and this is not it, not by a long shot. But the author does try very hard. He’s just not good at it.

The story begins with the “family” eating human flesh. As the son feasts on said flesh, he can’t help but wonder what it would taste like, being eaten out of his sister’s vagina. See? He’s trying really hard, this Matt Shaw. The son even acts out that fantasy with his sister, a few pages later. And yes, if that was in fact his sister, that would be a bit twisted, I admit. But *spoiler alert* she’s not his sister.

This “family” has apparently been assembled as part of a government experiment, or something. They all woke up in that house, not knowing who they were. They also woke up extremely horny. Supposedly, because of the drug cocktail that the government used to dose this family’s drinking water. So there’s incestuous fucking going on all bloody day. Good times. But again, it’s not really incestuous.

The book cuts back and forth, between current time, and the before time. Before the son got in this situation. Back when he was living in his mom’s basement. I saw many opportunities for the author to make it clear that this so-called “family” the son is currently involved with is in fact, his real family.

That would have been cool. I mean the only reason he’s really fucking his fake sister and mother is that he knows they are fake. He’s been to the military base. He knows the truth. So, if his memories finally did come flooding back, and he slowly realizes that he’s humping his dead real-mom’s corpse… That would have been some good story telling right there. But noooooooooo.

So the problem with this book is really the fact that I’m writing a better story in my head while reading this pile of shit. That’s not my job, goddamnit. It’s the author’s fucking job. So get it right next time, you stupid cunt.

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4 of 5 Bad-Ass-Chick Stars – Assault Ruinland by C.J. Anderson

This is a great conclusion to this series. By itself, this is just a short story, at 28 pages. But it’s still an awesome story, full of action and intrigue.

This story of Ruinland is about the heroic Lauren Vasquez. But it’s hard to call her a hero, because she pretty much kills everyone that she comes in contact with. Hey, how are you doin’? BAM! Shot to the face. Oh, you’re bleeding. Would you like some help? BAM! Headshot. She’s a cold hearted bitch.

Vasquez escapes the bunker and runs off to find an airship so she can get the hell out of dodge. Apparently there’s a safe haven somewhere in Canada, and she’s damn determined to get there. So she kills everyone she meets, until she gets to the docking bay. Then, the real killing begins.

There really is a hell of a lot of action packed into these tight 28 pages. It’s well worth reading. Especially if you’ve read the rest of the series, as I have.

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4 of 5 Sick-As-Fuck Stars – The Woman by Jack Ketchum and Lucky McKee.

This book was fucking crazy. Because, I just couldn’t wrap my head around the concept. I get some single guy doing this shit, but a family man? And the fucking guy just brings his family down to the basement and introduces them to this savage beast of a woman? Crazy man. Just fucking crazy.

This is the story of The Woman, who gets abducted from her cave, and is dragged back to this man’s house, where he chains her up in his basement. Like you do. She’s some kind of savage animal-woman. She only speaks a couple words of english, and she’s strong as a motherfucker. The man finds out soon enough, as she bites his finger off the first few minutes she’s down in his basement.

As the story progresses, we find that the man, sure enough, is a sick and twisted fuck. He got his 16 year old daughter pregnant from pounding that sweet teen pussy every night. He beats the ever-loving shit out of his poor, pathetic wife. And, it turns out that his teenage son is turning out to be just like him. A rapist asshole.

Pretty much anyone can guess what happens in the end of this story. There really are no surprises. Okay, I take that back. There was one surprise. Nothing that had to do with The Woman, but a big surprise nonetheless. But what happens to The Woman is no surprise at all. I saw that shit coming a mile away. That was the only fault I could find with this book. Otherwise, it had me hanging on every word.

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4 of 5 Lovecraftian Stars – The Phone Company by David Jacob Knight.

This is a very interesting book. I really didn’t think I would like it, because the title is just plain retarded. It doesn’t do the story any justice. Because, it’s a fascinating story. And, if you’re addicted to your smartphone, like most people are, this book may very well scare the living shit out of you.

This book is the story of how The Phone Company is controlling everyone’s lives. I mean, literally. Because their new super fancy phone, the Tether, actually connects to your brain, and allows the Provider to control you like a motherfucking drone.

It’s also the story of one man who refuses to sign up with this new Provider. He likes his old Nokia phone just fine, thank you very much. So, he’s the only one in town that isn’t a mindless zombie. And it’s up to him to stop the Provider from making his son and several other children kill themselves as sacrifices to the Provider.

What? Sacrifices to a cell phone provider? What the bloody fuck is going on? When did the Provider turn into a goddamn religion that requires sacrifices? This part of the book made absolutely no fucking sense. There was no reason for it.

I mean, there’s this great story, with apps that allow you to spy on everyone in town. Hell, there’s even an app to strangle someone’s cat. And someone uses an app to pilot a plane, and crash it into the local middle school. So the story is great, without the religious Provider nonsense. I think it would have been a much better book, if it had just stuck with the awesome sci-fi elements, and left the religion and fantasy out of it.

That being said, it’s still a compelling read. I’d highly recommend it to anyone who is paranoid about their cellphones running their lives. Or anyone who’s paranoid about google knowing their every thoughts. Because it’s true. Google knows everything about you. Your deepest, darkest secrets. Nothing is safe anymore.

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4 of 5 Horrifying Future Stars – The Last Town by Blake Crouch.

This book was non-stop action. From the very beginning, people were running for their lives. Real monsters were let into this small community, and they were hungry as fuck. People were dying, left and right, until the gate was finally closed, and the real fun began.

This really is the story of the last town on earth. It’s two thousand years in the future. Some eccentric billionaire decided back in 2012, that the human race was doomed. So he recruited a couple hundred people to go to sleep in a cryo chamber, to wake up two thousand years later. Hoping that the evils of the world had gone.

But of course, that’s not gonna happen. Two thousand years from now, humans may be extinct, but something much worse has taken their place. A human-beast hybrid that’s now the dominate life form on earth.

But these couple hundred people are a determined folk, so they build their town, and surround it with a huge electric fence, to keep the monsters at bay. But the eccentric billionaire gets bored with his creation. So he turns off the power, and opens the gates, for the monsters to flood in, and feast on sweet human flesh.

In the end, the asshole billionaire gets his comeuppance, and the remaining survivors decide to ditch this fucked up future. So they get back in their cryo tubes, and look forward to what horrible monsters may await them in seventy thousand years.

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