Posts Tagged ‘humor’

0rare

4 of 5 Fucked-In-The-Head Stars – Rarity from the Hollow by Robert Eggleton.

This book is fascinating. And then, just when you thought it was going to get even more awesome, it goes full-on derpy derp, and gets stupid as fuck. It pissed me off so much. I don’t know why books fail so often at being awesome throughout. It’s like they just lose their mojo halfway through, and say ‘fuck it’. Or in this author’s case, I’m pretty sure he just got high as balls and just started pulling shit out of his ass.

This book is about a twelve-year-old girl named Lacy Dawn, and her android boyfriend from another planet, aptly named DotCom. I say it’s apt, because DotCom is responsible for all the email spam in the entire universe. And there’s actually a big spammer in the real world named Kim DotCom. So that kind of cracked me up.

Now, I’m not going to keep calling this stupid girl ‘Lacy Dawn’. Because if you tell me your name is ‘Lacy Dawn’, I’m going to call you ‘Lacy’. I mean, that just makes sense to me. Until I’m corrected, anyway. Nobody in this story ever even tries to call this girl ‘Lacy’, and I find that absolutely ridiculous.

Lacy has a very dysfunctional family. Her dad is a stoned-out drunk fucker that is suffering from PTSD from the Gulf war. He beats the ever-loving shit out of his wife and Lacy all the time. You know, for fun. He does it the old-fashioned way, with a switch. Or for them city-folk, a branch from a tree.

Which is fine, because Lacy has actual conversations with trees. Oh, and ghosts. Well, one ghost. Her name is Faith, and she lives in a tree. And she’s a fucking asshole. But she does have good advice for Lacy from time to time.

The two-thousand-year-old DotCom android devises an evil plan to save Lacy’s parents. He’s gonna hack their motherfucking brains, and make them better. Because he’s sick and fucking tired of seeing his little student get beaten by her parents.

You see, he doesn’t even recognize that Lacy thinks he’s her boyfriend. He’s just an android doing a job. Securing Lacy’s employment for a very important mission. To save the world, of course.

And this is where it goes full-on derpy derp. You see, to save the world, Lacy must go shopping in the biggest mall in the universe. No, not to get supplies, or something. That would make sense. No, she needs to go shopping to save the world. Like nobody is better at shopping than Lacy and her new and improved parents.

And yes, Lacy introduced DotCom as her boyfriend, and her parents were of course shocked. That is, until they noticed he was lounging around naked, and he had no cock or balls to speak of. Just smooth as a fucking Barbie doll down there. But not to worry, he learns how to grow some junk later, when he finally accepts Lacy’s love.

But wait, there’s an evil cockroach plot! I mean the goddamn cockroaches are taking over the mall. And they’re taking over Lacy’s dad’s pot farm. Because of course he has a fucking pot farm. Because you would have to be high as fucking balls to write this shit. And the characters are constantly getting high, because apparently, you can’t even participate in this story without being high as balls.

The last third of this book is about DotCom teaching Lacy’s dog to communicate with roaches. So they can figure out what the fuck is going on. What can they do to help the roaches? Get ’em to move the fuck out of the mall, and out of dad’s fucking pot crop. But seriously, if you can train the dog to talk to the roaches, why couldn’t you just train Lacy to do it? Oh because it’s cool to actually have a conversation with a dog. Which pretty much always goes like this: “Gimme bacon!”

So with the help of Lacy’s dog, they negotiate a treaty with the roaches, and find them a new home. Well, it’s not a new home. It’s just the home they left thousands of years ago. But it’s good as new now. So they move in and decide to call it ‘Earth’.

This book really was fucking crazy. None of it made any fucking sense. It was a total cluster-fuck from beginning to end. And I fucking loved it. Because the author’s writing style was absolutely brilliant. He weaved in first person and third person narratives like every other paragraph. And the imagination on this guy… Damn.

GET WASTED! You may want to be high as balls before reading my book. It confuses sober people. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0brooks

2 of 5 Trillionaire-Paying-For-Sex Stars – Mr. Brooks & His Women by Nessa Dearmond.

This ‘book’ is not a book at all. It’s a very short story. Only six pages, for fuck’s sake. It’s kind of sad, really, because the premise of this book is kind of interesting. Too bad it was written so poorly.

The story is about Mr. Brooks and his whores. Mr Brooks is a fucking trillionaire playboy. He makes Tony Stark look poor. And he fucks celebrities for the fun of it. By offering them shit-tons of cash. Because sure, not everyone has a price. But when you offer them one hundred million dollars for a night of fucking, all the sudden they do have a price.

For such a short story, there’s quite a bit of backstory about Mr. Brooks. Apparently, he made his trillions by creating a cure for baldness. Not those bullshit cures, I mean a real cure. Oh, and he also made a cure for small dicks. Like you take this pill, and you get to have a ten-inch cock. For reals. So of course he made trillions of dollars.

Oh yeah, and he also has the cure for every sickness known to man. So, he’s like immortal, or something. I don’t fucking know. Mr. Brooks is just the ultimate fantasy man. He’s the guy that every man wishes he could be. Have all the money in the world, all the women in the world, and a huge fucking cock.

Okay, great, but why is this story so bad then? Well, because it’s six fucking pages! And apparently the author is addicted to semicolons; because he (I have to assume a guy wrote this shit) used so many semicolons in this fucking story; that I could barely read it; I mean, isn’t this annoying as fuck; it’s just not right; and it drove me fucking crazy; I mean, is it really that hard to just use a period?

And there were extra words that clearly didn’t belong. I mean words where the made the sentence make no fucking sense. See what that I mean? So goddamn retarded. And this ‘book’ is actually published. People are buying this shit, and apparently it never got edited, because it fucking needs it bad.

All that being said, I think this story would make a great novel. It really is the perfect fantasy. Well, for men, anyway. And I guess women wouldn’t mind reading about getting paid millions of dollars for one night of banging. Because that’s their fantasy, right? Just fucking a rich dude. People say men are simple. But sometimes, I think women are even more simple. Just give ’em plenty of cash, and they’re happy.

EAT A BAG OF DICKS! They’re like potato chips. You can’t eat just one. Get my book! It’s fucking hilarious. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

shorts3

4 of 5 Wizarding-World-of-Demons Stars – Dissimilar Shorts 3 by J.B. Taylor.

I actually liked the short stories in this ‘book’. But I have a hard time calling it a book, because it’s really only 28 pages of content. The rest of the pages are dedicated to promotional material. So, I guess it’s more of a pamphlet than a book.

I also have a hard time calling this a ‘collection’ of short stories. Because it only includes two short stories. If you have two of something, it’s not really a collection, now is it? But whatever this publication is, it’s actually pretty decent, if you don’t notice all the grammatical errors.

I mean, I find errors in just about everything I read, but this publication had more errors than usual. Using ‘sense’ when trying to say ‘since’ is just plain silly. And that’s just one example. There are plenty more.

All that being said, the first story of this ‘collection’ is very good. It’s about a girl who unleashes a bunch of demons on the world, because she’s a fucking idiot. She wanders into a mausoleum, and finds an old book. And she thinks to herself, “I really shouldn’t open this book and read it aloud. Bad things could happen. Oh, who am I kidding… That’s just in the movies, right? It’s fine. I’ll just read a little passage.”

And sure enough, all hell breaks loose. The protector of the mausoleum wakes from his slumber and tells her that it’s now her job to go fetch all those fucking demons and put ’em back where she fucking found ’em. Stupid cunt. Or, she could just go kill the boss guy. Mr. Scorpion. He’s a big, badass, motherfucker of a demon, and he’s having a blast destroying Reno.

This story plays out like it’s a fucking video game. The girl slashes through demon after demon with the help from some local cops. Then she gets to the top of Cesar’s Palace to fight the boss demon. Planes and helicopters are flying overhead, shooting the motherfucker. But the bombs and bullets just bounce off him.

So this stupid girl is supposed to fight this boss demon alone. All she has is a gun. It’s not even a big gun. And from the looks of it, this motherfucker is bulletproof. And bombproof. So, she shoots a rocket that is next to the motherfucker, and the demon explodes, and all the rest of the demons get trapped back in the mausoleum. The end.

What? The motherfucker was bomb proof, you idiot. This is fucking bullshit. Why would you tell us that he’s bombproof and bulletproof, and then end the story by blowing up a bomb on him? Are you just trying to set up a sequel? I mean, what the actual fuck is happening? I thought, okay, this isn’t really the end. They’re gonna get back to the mausoleum, and the big motherfucker is gonna come back to life and skull fuck this stupid bitch. Right? Nope. It’s just the end. Fucking bullshit.

The next story is about a wizard that holds up a convenience store with his wand. And this isn’t in some fucking Harry Potter land, either. It’s just downtown L.A. or something. Wizard’s aren’t supposed to exist, goddamnit. But apparently, they do. And of course, there’s a special government wizarding agency that tries to control them.

And that’s pretty much the whole story. It’s only about six pages long. So, it wasn’t much of a story. It was more of an outline than a real story, really. But it wasn’t bad. I’d still recommend this ‘book’. It’s a fun and quick read. And it doesn’t make you think too much. In fact, I think a few of my brain cells died while reading this book. Maybe I shouldn’t have been high as balls while reading it. Naaa. Fuck that.

WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU LEMMINGS Watch ’em all jump off. And laugh and laugh. Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious. Clicky Clicky –>> http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0pod

1 of 5 Stupid-Little-Cunt Stars – Podkayne of Mars by Robert A. Heinlein.

I hate this book so much. It’s absolutely fucking retarded. Which is kind of strange, considering the story is about a couple of genius teenagers. But I guess even genius teenagers have to go on and on about stupid shit all the time.

This book is the first person journal of the 15-year-old Podkayne, or ‘Pod’, or as I like to call her ‘Stupid Little Cunt’. She lives on Mars, but yearns to explore the galaxy. She pines for the stars constantly. And when her parents won’t let her go on a voyage to Earth, she cries like a little girl and goes on and on about how her stupid life sucks. Awww. Shut the fuck up, you stupid teenage whore.

But she gets lucky, and her uncle Tom takes her and her brother on a VIP trip around the galaxy in a luxury liner. Oh goodie! I finally get to see the galaxy and find even more things to bitch and moan about! Sweet!

While they are getting on the luxury liner, Pod’s sarcastic genius brother tells the check-in agent that he’s got a couple kilos of ‘happy dust’, which in their world, is pretty much heroin. He doesn’t really have any happy dust, he’s just being a stupid fucking jackass. So of course, he’s taken away and searched. Getting his asshole probed and tongued, as you do.

But this was all part of his evil plan. You see, some fanatics paid him a shit-ton of money to smuggle a bomb onboard the ship. So, while Clark is being searched, Pod gets through the gate just fine, with the bomb secretly hidden in her luggage. Without her knowing, of course.

When they get onboard, Clark explained his evil plan. “Oh that,” he explains. “That’s a nuclear bomb. But don’t worry. I took it apart. You never know when you’ll need a nuclear bomb.”

What? Seriously? Just get rid of the fucking thing. Damn. I mean, what could possibly go wrong? Two teenagers with a nuclear bomb. Yeah, everything is going to be just fine. Sure.

Then, the teenagers get kidnapped. Because uncle Tom is actually some huge Mars political figure, and he’s about to give a speech at some bullshit conference. So his enemies use the teenagers as leverage to get the racist Tom to do their evil bidding at the summit.

But not to worry. Clark had smuggled his nuclear bomb into his cell somehow. Apparently he has a very accommodating anus. So he assembles his bomb, and blows up everyone, including his sister, Pod. But saves himself, of course. Fucking asshole.

My wife recommended this book to me. I decided that I wanted to read some Heinlein, and she said that I’d definately love this book. Fucking bullshit. I hated this book so much. From the very beginning. Just a whiney ass bitch going on and on about stupid teenage horseshit. Like I fucking care.

But I pushed on. I continued reading it, just in hopes that there would be a glimmer of Heinlein genius buried deep in this fucking book. But there wasn’t. Heinlein was a great writer, but his talents were completely wasted on this stupid book.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s almost as bad as AXE body spray, because it drives women bat-shit crazy. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0end

4 of 5 Fucked-Up-Cowboy Stars – End Trails by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book is fascinating. It’s two short stories about the ‘weird wild west’. It’s like The Twilight Zone, in the wild west, or something. Because these stories are strange. The author took standard wild west tales and put a sci-fi spin on them. It’s very cool.

The first story is about a guy who gets stuck in a jail cell, while the Sheriff lies dead just feet away. The keys still attached to the Sheriff’s belt. And the whole building is burning down. Oh, and some strange alien creature slithered out of the dead Sheriff’s mouth, and is coming for this poor sap stuck in the cell.

A very cool story. My eyes were glued to the pages. I couldn’t even imagine what would happen next, as the whole town gets infected by this strange alien parasite. Oh, and of course the guy has to get revenge on that cocksucker who locked him in the cell in the first place. Because it’s really a standard western story. But weird.

And then, there’s the story about zombies. Wild west zombies. It’s about a guy who gets killed during a card game. Because he’s a dirty rotten cheater. And, apparently, a rapist. A zombie rapist. Or something.

They dig a grave, and bury that motherfucker. But he’s not having it. He gets right out and goes on killing bitches. And then there are zombie whores. Oh my fucking god. Zombie whores! Can it get any better?

Well, yes actually… Because this story was rather boring. It was a little too much like a standard western story. Too much gun fighting, and not enough zombie fighting. And not enough whores. You can never have too many whores.

But I still really enjoyed this book. It’s a quick read, and very well-written. I’d recommend it to anyone who loves westerns. Or anyone who loves sci-fi. Or hell, anyone who just loves weird shit. Because this book totally skull-fucks westerns. In the best possible way.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause erections that last over six hours. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0just

2 of 5 Kill-Me-Now Stars – It’s Just Us, Daddy by Pete Deakon, illustrations by Kaelyn Williams.

This book should have been called ‘Gettin’ High With Daddy’, or maybe ‘How to Kill Your Daddy With an Imaginary Tiger’. Seriously, those would be much more accurate titles. Because, it’s not just us, Daddy. It’s us and a bunch of fluffy monsters that totally won’t kill us.

Usually a children’s book has some kind of point, or message. A lesson, maybe. You know, what to do when you’re sad. Or, how to kill monsters, that sort of thing. But no. Not this fucking book. You’re not going to learn anything reading this thing. Unless of course you want to learn how to kill your dad with an imaginary tiger.

This book is a story about a father taking his little girl to the park. Trying their best to avoid child molesters. Wait, no that’s not in there. That would have given the story at least some kind of message. We wouldn’t want that.

No, they just go to the fucking park and start hallucinating. As you do. Oh look, there’s a dinosaur over there, playing with a beach ball. Nothing about oh, maybe you should run for your fucking life, kid. Because there’s a fucking dinosaur at the fucking park. No, that would be useful information. We don’t need that shit.

And I’m pretty sure that this little girl wants to get her poor ol’ dad killed. Because she hallucinated a tiger and tells her father to go ahead and pet it. “If it hisses, it wants you to hold him,” she says. So yea, go ahead daddy, hold the harmless tiger. It won’t eat you, I swear!

And how about that perfect sentence she uses? I know she’s just a stupid little girl, but I assume that the guy that wrote this shit isn’t a retarded little girl. So, “If it hisses…” Okay, it’s an ‘it’. Then “It wants you to hold him…” Now it’s a ‘him’? Make up your fucking mind, man. Be consistent for fuck’s sake. It’s either an ‘it’ or a ‘him’ not both. Jesus tapdancing Christ. Learn some fucking English before you write a goddamn children’s book, man.

And then some other little girl enters the park to be eaten by tigers. And I’m like, okay, we’re gonna get some substance here. Like the dad is gonna get his little girl to go befriend the other girl, so they can drag the poor thing back to their lair. Oh goodie. Finally, some action!

But no. It’s just “Hey, I used to have those same sandals you’re wearing. Like a decade ago. I mean, come on. Those are so 2004.” But she didn’t really say that. Because that would have been cool. I mean, maybe some actual conflict would happen. But we can’t have that, now can we?

I didn’t like this stupid fucking book. I definitely wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, child or otherwise. It’s just not that intriguing, man. Even a children’s book needs to be somewhat interesting, for fuck’s sake. Hell, the good ones even have conflict and resolution.

But not this one. It just has hack writing and computer-generated images. I mean, come on. How hard is it to draw these days? Seriously. Is that too much to ask? Have some actual artwork? That’s what makes children’s books so cool. But no. Denied once again. Fucking bullshit.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0val

4 of 5 Hot-Ass-Cyborg Stars – Valhalla by Ari Bach.

This is a very good book, full of action and intrigue. It’s set two hundred years in the future, with all kinds of cool tech and weaponry. Most people in this story are heavily modified with implants, their consciousness constantly connected to the internet. I don’t know what would be worse, the constant barrage of cat pics, or the incessant ads claiming that my penis is way too small.

This book is about Violet, a teenage girl who lost her parents in a brutal firefight. Some gang invaded their home and shot up the place. But Violet picked up a gun and blasted the shit out of the intruders, becoming famous overnight for her heroics.

So she joins the military, as you do. Because she never really knew what she wanted to do with her life. Not until she killed those gang members. Now she knew exactly what she wanted to do. She wanted to kill bad guys. Like a boss. Unfortunately, the military doesn’t take kindly to that idea.

I can relate. When I was 20 years old, I decided I wanted to join the Marines. So I took the test at the recruiting station, and it turned out I was smarter than most grunts. They decided that I belonged in the intelligence division. So I went through a bunch of interviews.

“Why do you want to join the Marines, son?” an officer asked me, in one interview.

“I want to learn how to kill people,” I responded calmly.

Shortly thereafter, I was discharged from the process, never able to join the military, because apparently, I was bat-shit insane. You see, they don’t want people who want to kill people. They want people who want to ‘save lives’ and ‘keep the peace’ etc. It’s fucking bullshit, if you ask me.

So Violet gets discharged from the military, because just like me, she’s bat-shit insane. She wins at all costs. She doesn’t take any prisoners. She is one bad-ass chick. Too bad-ass for the military. Which is fine, because apparently, there’s a place just for her, in this fucked up world.

Some agents of some secret agency approach her online and tell her of some secret mercenary outfit that wants to recruit her. Yes, they understand that she was kicked out of the military. They don’t fucking care, because they’re better than the pussy-ass military. This joint is hardcore.

Violet accepts the position, and spends literally 50% of this fucking book training with this new bad-ass crew. I get it, man. There’s so much cool tech, and weapons, and crazy fucked-up characters. That’s cool, man. But it doesn’t merit spending half the fucking book training. Go out and do shit, man. Kill some fuckers. Blow some shit up. Who wants to learn about shit, when you can just blow it the fuck up?

Well, good news, because the rest of the book is pure hardcore action. Violet’s friends get killed in action, but that’s no big deal. They just turn ’em into cyborgs and bring ’em back to life. Cool beans, man. Then there’s the walrus invasion. Yeah, watch out, man. Them walrus fuckers are coming for ya!

Violet sets her sights on the leader of the gang who killed her family. And she captures him, and puts him in a walrus cage at their Valhalla base. So every time she gets bored, she gets to go down and taunt the poor bastard. I mean, why kill him when you can just toy with him every day? It’s not like he’s going to escape, right?

So, of course, he escapes, and the base erupts in fire and mayhem as the gang leader is rescued by his people. This is why you kill the bad guy, Violet. Because those motherfuckers never die. They always come back to fuck up your life. So just put a bullet in his fucking skull. Cut his head off. Put it through a motherfucking blender. So they can’t bring that cunt back to life. But nooooo…

I really did like this story. Yes, it could have been better. It could have done with more action and less training. I mean, the training was cool, don’t get me wrong, but it went on for way too long. But I can’t really complain. I mean, there was a cyborg vagina in this book for Christ’s sake. I don’t know if I should be scared as fuck, or absolutely fascinated by that idea.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0ha

2 of 5 Happy-Whore Stars – The Harem by Thomas Sweeney.

This book really disappointed me. The author took a great premise and totally skull-fucked it. I mean, why does The Harem need to be a fucking cult? Why can’t it just be about a bunch of filthy whores? Everyone loves filthy whores. You don’t need to make ’em shiny. You don’t need flowers and champagne. All you need is hot ass.

This story is an attempt to make prostitution look like the most glamorous and exciting profession. It’s about a woman who takes an internship at a large corporation. And apparently, she’s special, because she gets offered an opportunity to enter the Program. You know, the Slut Program.

But Susan is no floozey. She takes offense at the mere suggestion of becoming a whore. I mean, who wouldn’t? Even if the position within the Program would set her up for life financially, it’s still selling your body for cash. Even if it’s a million dollars, which it actually is, it’s still sucking dick for money. Even if it means getting eaten out by the most handsome man, and cumming like a fucking race horse, it’s still… Oh fuck it. She’ll totally do it.

I don’t get this bit. She’s so against the idea, and yet a page later she accepts it, and joins the program. I guess all women are whores, when it comes down to it. Is that what this author is trying to say? I mean, he does make the whole proposition very attractive. I’d join the Program in a fucking heart beat. But I’m a guy. All guys are whores. But women? I don’t know, man.

I just expected more of a process for Susan to accept this new position in the Program. I expected her to really wrestle with the idea. Maybe take a bit of convincing. But no. It’s just “Okay, sure. Sign me up. Even though I just called you a fucking cunt for suggesting the idea a page ago.” What the fuck, man?

Then there’s the whole cult thing. The ceremony of becoming part of the Program. Part of the Harem. But why is there a fucking ceremony, man? Just fuck the bitch, and be done with it. Why do you have to eat her out and make her cum over and over? You’re paying her millions to be part of your harem, so why the bloody fuck do you have to pamper the fuck out of her? I don’t get it.

Maybe it’s because this book was written for women. I mean, it has to be, right? What man would want to read this garbage? After the ceremony, Susan is given a new name. It’s ‘Wednesday’. Like she’s the fuck-girl for every Wednesday, or something. I thought that was kind of cool. But the rest of the harem are also named for days of the week. And they just accept this with no resistance. Yes, I’m Robert’s whore for Wednesday. No problem.

But they’re not just whores. They also work his international business. And this is funny, because when Robert introduces his play things to business associates, he introduces them by the name he’s given them. “Hi, George, this is Wednesday.” That’s a bit strange, isn’t it? Then he introduces the rest of them, each as a different name of the week. I get using those names in private, but in public, it doesn’t make any fucking sense.

And then there’s the mind-control. Yes, Robert’s whores learn how to use mind-control and remote viewing, and astral-projection, and all that hippy bullshit. And they use these powers for evil. To go all Inception on some business associates, by planting ideas in their heads and such.

In the end, these were great skills to master, because Robert gets arrested for his evil deeds, and his girls get him off (heh, they got him off) by manipulating the minds of the judges. Nice. But why’d this story have to go all super-natural? Why couldn’t they just be whores, goddamnit? There’s just no reason for all that hippy nonsense. I don’t get it. It must be because I’m not a woman. I’ve only got man-titties, and they’re just not cutting it.

I didn’t like this story. In fact, at times, I hated it. Because it just pissed me off. It took a perfectly good idea and totally destroyed it. Why, man? It just made no sense to me. Most of the story was just boring business bullshit. And happy happy joy joy girly shit. No conflict, whatsoever.

I’d highly recommend this book to women. It’s a perfect fantasy book for women. But I’d strongly advise men to stay the hell away from this piece of shit of a book. Because it’s a complete fucking waste of time. I can’t even jack off to this shit, and I can jack off to just about anything.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0green

3 of 5 Boring-Virgin Stars – The Vision by C.L. Talmadge.

This book is a fucking soap opera. This guy’s banging that chick. Some other guy wants to fuck some dude. And of course, there’s plenty of surprise relationships that aren’t surprises at all. Oh noes, that chick is that dude’s daughter. Who the fuck cares?

This story is mostly about royalty and politics. Some military doctor chick is tasked with saving a prince who had a heart attack. Everyone just assumed he was dead. And he was for a few minutes, but the doctor chick brought him back. Now he’s a zombie prince. Yay!

But wait, this doctor chick isn’t even royalty. What the fuck is she even doing on the grounds? That’s sacrilege! Arrest her at once! And so they do, and like a third of this fucking book is dedicated to her trial for stepping on sacred ground. A capital offense. Really? You’re gonna put some hot chick to death because she stepped foot in your secret garden? That’s fucking retarded.

Of course she’s convicted, and sentenced to death. But come on, she’s the main character in this story, and frankly, the only interesting one. She’s not going to fucking die. You can do all the preparations you want. Put her in a cold cell naked. Torture her all you want. She’s not going to fucking die. So it’s really a wasted attempt at suspense.

Because at the last second, with her head on the chopping block, her long-lost father, Lord James comes to the rescue. Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away, man. No surprise whatsoever. Lord James takes her to his large house in the country, and pampers the shit out of his long-lost daughter.

But Helen is having none of it. “Fuck you, dad! I can take care of myself, thank you very much.” But Lord James has his man-servant drug her, so she stays in bed, like a good little girl. But eventually, she heals up enough to go on being the good doctor, attending to the sick and ailing royalty.

I really didn’t like this book. Not because it was poorly written, though. It was very well written. With amazingly vibrant characters. Especially Helen. I fucking loved Helen. She had some spunk. Even though she was a virgin. Why do they always have to be virgins? Being a slut is way more interesting.

No, the reason I didn’t like this book was the fact that nothing actually happened in it. It was just gossip and rumors and politics and bullshit. Nobody died. Nobody got fucked. It was all just innuendo. There wasn’t even any real back-stabbing. I’d expect some crazy back-stabbing from a fucking soap opera, but with this story there was none. And that lack of conflict made the story boring as fuck.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0candy

3 of 5 Clueless-Sleuth Stars – Candy, Murder & Me by Carolyn Chambers Clark.

This book was way too girly for me. I mean, every fucking chapter had some recipe for foodstuffs. Like I fucking care. I don’t even know what the fuck those recipes were doing there. What did they add to the story? Absolutely nothing. If anything, it just distracted from the story.

This book is about a murder mystery. Some ditzy woman aptly named ‘Cookie’, finds her P.I. dead in her clothing design studio. And the cops think she did it. Because the P.I. was investigating some embezzlement case that Cookie was involved in.

So, of course Cookie has to take up the P.I. business herself, and find out who really killed Mr. Falcone. Now that’s a mob name, if I ever heard one. And sure enough, the guy was seriously involved in the mob. That’s one way to get yourself killed fast. Dumbass.

Cookie goes to Mr. Falcone’s office and digs through his files, to see if she can find any leads into his murder. Mr. Falcone’s assistant helps her out and gives her some stupid ideas about how to be a good detective. You know, like getting a fucking gun, and trying not to shoot yourself with it.

The story continues on and on with Cookie and her new friend checking out all of Mr. Falcone’s recent cases. Most of which were guys trying to find out if their wives were cheating on them. Of course they’re cheating. If you think they’re cheating, they are. Period. Because they fucking hate you.

Then she comes across a case involving a chemical company that may be dumping toxic waste. So she starts investigating by breaking into their offices, and promptly gets shot at. She escapes, and nearly gets run off the road by ‘the guy with the golden tooth’, straight out of fucking James Bond.

In the end, Cookie got all the answers she needed from the bad guy. He confronted her, gun in hand, and insisted that she hand over the evidence. But no. She started singing off tune instead. Oh shit. MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!. So he ended up telling her everything. Because the pain in his ear holes was just too much to take. Really? What kind of murderous pussy are you, guy? Damn.

This book reminds me a lot of the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich. Where some ditzy broad takes up some profession she clearly doesn’t belong in. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, just about every book out there is derivative in some way or another.

I can’t say that I hated this book. But I didn’t like it either. Which is strange, because I rather liked the Stephanie Plum novels which are quite similar. The problem I found with this book was that it was just too repetitive. And too fucking girly. And no sexual tension. It was kind of a taco fest, because there weren’t really any guys in the story. Just dead ones. And it’s hard to build sexual tension around a dead guy.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook