The Whisperer – needs to keep quiet

2 of 5 Wasted-Talent Stars – The Whisperer by Ioanna Carlsen.

I don’t know what the fuck the cover of this book is supposed to represent. But I have to assume it’s an abstract portrait of the author’s dog, or something. Because more than half the poems in this book are about a dog. A fucking dog.

Look, I don’t fucking care about your goddamn dog, okay? And I don’t care about the swan in the lake. Or how the fire crackles in the motherfucking hearth. Who gives a shit? It’s fucking stupid.

Good poetry isn’t about things. It’s about you, the author. Go ahead and write a fucking poem about a goddamn swan if you want, but don’t tell me about the swan. Tell me about how the swan makes you feel. How it reminds you of your childhood. Or some such bullshit.

The problem with the poems in this book is the lack of feeling, or emotion of any kind. It made me feel nothing. I really think it’s because the author chose to write about things, instead of herself, or her relationships. Because what makes a poem great is the emotion that you put on the page. That’s what makes it real.

I do believe that this poet has talent. I just think it’s wasted on this collection. I think that if she put more of herself into her poetry, it would be much better. It might actually make me feel something.

Unless of course, she’s a fucking psychopath, who actually has no feelings. That would explain a lot. Because even the poems that I thought might be about her used pronouns other than ‘me’ or ‘I’. So it’s all a fucking mystery.

But that mystery didn’t make it alluring. It just pissed me off. I kept screaming as I was reading this on the shitter… “Tell me how you really feel, goddamnit!” But it was all for nothing. Because in the end, none of Ioanna’s feelings were on the page. Just more drivel.

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Hammurabi Road – is littered with dead bears

3 of 5 Scary-Bear Stars – Hammurabi Road by Steve Vernon.

This book includes three different stories. The first story was the longest, and the best one, by far. I really enjoyed it. The other two stories were pretty much useless. I guess they were just thrown in there to make the book longer.

But the problem with that is this: you take a 5 star story and mix in some 2 star stories, and you end up with 3 stars. If this book was just that first really good story, it would have been much better, in my opinion. But no.

After such a good story, I expected more of the same. But what I got was something else entirely. Some bullshit about Bigfoot. And something about ghosts on a railroad. Basically, stories to skip if you read this book.

The story worth reading is Hammurabi Road. It’s a story of revenge gone horribly wrong. A few foul-mouthed friends set out to find and kill the asshole who burned down a hotel, killing a bunch of people. Everyone in town thinks it’s this one guy. So these idiots are on a mission to kill that fucker.

But first, they run into a bear. A big fucking bear. And for some reason, they wrestle with it. Punch it in the face a few times. You know, real man shit. Then they finally get out a gun and kill the big bastard. But then, the soul of the bear haunts them.

They get back to their mission, to kill the fucker that burned down the hotel. They find him, and trap him on the railroad tracks. They wait for the train to come. Then, once they think he’s dead, they start to have doubts. Was he really the guy?

That was a good story. The rest of the book, not so much. It definitely gives me a good reason to stay the fuck out of Canada, that’s for sure. I mean, bears? Fuck bears, man.

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Breakup – finally, it’s over

2 of 5 Hardcore-Anal Stars – Breakup by Grace Kagni.

I fucking hated this book. It’s filled with so much bullshit romance garbage, I wanted to puke. That is, until I came (heh, I came) across the hardcore anal sex. Then, I was all like, hmmmmm… I could get into this book.

Because it seemed like the sex scenes were not written for women. They must have been written for men. Because, come on… How many women fantasize about anal sex? And how many of those women also fantasize about giving head? Not too many, I’d think.

What we’re talking about here is a female unicorn. A woman who can easily climax multiple times, just from having a cock in her mouth. Or a dick in her ass. Multiple orgasms. Yeah, sure. If you ever find one of these unicorn girls, put a ring on that finger, man. Because it doesn’t get any better than that.

But, see what I’m saying? I have to assume that the target audience for this book is women, because shit man, you don’t see many guys at the airport reading romance novels. Well, maybe they would, if there was something on the cover that said, “Hardcore Anal Sex Scenes!” I mean, I’d read that shit, sure.

But why would a woman read it? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Sure, the story is about a couple rich guys fighting over a plain girl who cleans toilets and washes dishes for a living. It’s a pretty standard romance tale.

So, I understand why women would want to read about that shit. All the actual romance is definitely written for women. But the sex? No way, man. That shit is straight-up porn. And sure, women like porn just as much as men do, but they don’t want to read about hardcore anal sex.

Or am I wrong? Somebody please correct me here. Do women really want to read about giving head and swallowing huge loads of jizz? Does that really get them off? I’m so confused right now.

In the end, I hated this book because the story was so fucking stupid. It’s just a simple, pointless story. And the characters were pure cardboard. No substance to them at all. And there were no surprises. Everything was way too predictable. So yeah, fuck this book.

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Savagery and Saviors – is Die Hard on a boat

4 of 5 TV-Dinner Stars – Savagery and Saviors by Ken Hollern.

This book would make a great action movie. Because it’s like Die Hard on a boat. One man against a ship full of mercenaries. I can just hear the trailer now… “In a world… Where kidnapped children are rescued by an ex football player… And a beautiful woman blows him for his bravery.”

The story is about Cole, an ex football player who is braver that he likes to believe. He goes to the port to check on his boat, when he hears some fearful screams from a girl on another boat. He looks in on the scene, and some girl is definitely about to get raped. But hey, fuck that. Cole’s got shit to do.

So he goes back to his boat, then hears more screams. And he just stands there like an idiot as the girl screams some more. He thinks, fuck it. I’ll just call 911 and be done with it. The goddamn police can handle this shit. I don’t got time to fuck with four guys with knives.

He starts to dial 911, and hears more screams from the girl. Goddamnit, he thinks. Why do I have to care so much? Why can’t I just be a fucking asshole, and go about my business? Sunofabitch.

He charges in on the four guys, and rescues the girl. But then more thugs show up, and knock his ass out. Next thing he knows, he wakes up in a big steel container on a ship, in the middle of the fucking ocean. Shit, he thinks. This is what I get for being a fucking nice guy. Goddamnit.

He hollers for help, but gets no answer. Days go by. He hollers some more, and finally someone does answer. It’s some kids who are trapped in the container next to him. They tell him that they’ve been kidnapped, and are about to be sold to the highest bidder.

Just as Cole thinks his situation is completely hopeless, a beautiful woman breaks him out of his prison. She’s like an investigative reporter or something, who came aboard the ship as a cook in order to investigate about child trafficking. Cole tells her about the kids in the next container.

Yeah, whatever. She doesn’t really care, because apparently she’s really horny. Because of course she is. I mean, a man did write this shit, after all. So she’s all, “You’re a hot piece of man-meat. You’re coming back to my room. We’re gonna fuck like rabid bunnies.”

And Cole is all like, “But… But we just met! And there’s like kids to save! And… Oh who am I kidding. Let’s fuck.” Because, duh. When some hot bitch says you’re gonna fuck, you don’t fucking argue with her. You get it on, man.

Eventually, they do get around to thinking about maybe saving the kids. Then the conflict continues on land, as the kids are about to be sold to some ragheads. It really is a non-stop action type of book. Just when I thought the book was coming to a conclusion, another conflict was thrown at me, and I couldn’t stop reading it.

I liked this book because it was fun and entertaining. It never let up on the action and suspense. And the characters were very real and funny. The banter between Cole and the sexy reporter chick was fucking hilarious. And I can almost hear Cole saying that line from Die Hard, “Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.”

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Dixie’s Wasteland – is quite suicidal

5 of 5 Pretty-Goth-Chick Stars – Dixie’s Wasteland by Dixie A. Conley.

One wouldn’t expect me to be a big fan of poetry. I mean I have the vocabulary of a goddamn eight year old, for fuck’s sake. How could I possibly appreciate a good poem?

I don’t know. All I do know is, I can spot talent when I see it. And Dixie has got talent as a poet in spades. The only poetry I can compare hers to is the classics. E.E. Cummings. T.S. Elliot, and the like. Because very few modern poets have her kind of style.

In this book of poems, Dixie ponders the idea of love. The existence of God. And the real truth behind the escape of suicide. In the front of the book, she includes a disclaimer that states that she’s not suicidal anymore. But she also says that many of these poems were written over twenty years ago, when she was in fact quite suicidal.

So the poems about suicide aren’t just the ramblings of an emo goth chick. No, these poems are real. Because they were written by someone who really was suicidal. Someone who even decided how and when she was going to do it. Because her life fucking sucked. And she felt that suicide was her only way out.

I enjoyed this book, not because I love reading about suicidal girls, but because the emotion and passion was real. I felt that shit, deep in my heart. And I’m glad that Dixie has finally found a way to get some kind of happiness out of life.

Check out her blog, where she posts a new poem from this book every day.

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The Cactus Killer – killed a cactus. Oh noes!

4 of 5 She-Bitch Stars – The Cactus Killer by Jeremy Croston.

This is a pretty cool book. It’s set in a small town in New Mexico named Full Moon. So, I have to assume there’s a big billboard welcome sign at the city border, with a huge bare ass image that says “Welcome to Full Moon, the Bare Ass city!”

But no, it probably has more to do with all the werewolves that live there. And vampires. Because for some reason, those two always go hand in hand. But at least in this story, they’re not fighting each other. They’re actually allies, working together to stop a madman from killing off both their species.

This book is about a war between good and evil. But it’s really hard to tell who the evil ones are. Because it’s not the vampires. They’re super cool. And it’s not the werewolves. They’re even cooler. I mean, the wolf packs are always throwing parties with pizza and beer. They’re like frat boys or something.

Vic, the local sheriff, teams up with Liz, a very old vampire to find out who’s running amok and killing off vampires. They think it has to be some psycho human. Probably a white dude. Because white guys are fucking crazy. Especially religious ones.

So of course Vic and the sexy Liz go off to investigate the church. Because if there’s evil anywhere, it’s at the church, right? I mean, come on… Those religious weirdos are bat-shit crazy. And sure enough, they find a monster hanging out at the church, picking up on altar boys.

No, it’s not the priest. I mean, sure, most priests are monsters. But this was a real monster. Put together like fucking Frankenstein. All green and shit, like the motherfucking Hulk. Apparently he was the product of some crazy experiment. Mixing werewolf and vampire blood to create some kind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde monster.

A battle ensues, and it turns out that Mr. Hyde is also part Wolverine. Because Vic shoots that fucker right in the face, and the monster just grows back a new one. Damn. Seriously? Sick ’em, she bitch! So Liz goes all bloodlust crazy, and tears the monster to shreds. Because you don’t fuck with a vampire on the rag.

I liked this book because it was fun and lighthearted. It also had a nice cast of vibrant characters to work with. The story wasn’t even as predictable as I first thought. There were many surprises in the end, which is always nice. But come on, man. Not even one sex scene? No doggie/vampire sex? I am slightly disappointed.

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Of Love and Distance – grows fonder

4 of 5 Not-Very-Romantic Stars – Of Love and Distance by Divya Jyoti Randev

I’m really not a fan of romance novels. Because for the most part, they suck dirty donkey balls. But this book is not one of those books. This one has much more to it than romance. In fact, it has very little to do with romance, and more to do with being a strong woman. Being independent. And being brave.

This book is about Lisa, a journalist who is tasked with interviewing her teenage crush. While riding in a limo with Robert, on the way to the studio to do their interview, they’re both attacked and taken hostage. Because it’s set in India, and apparently that’s what they do there.

So imagine if you will, riding in a limo with a man who you’ve been secretly in love with for years. You’re supposed to interview him. But you can barely speak to him… He’s just so goddamn dreamy! How are you supposed to have a conversation with someone you’re drooling over? It’s bloody well impossible!

But then, you’re kidnapped and tied up. They blindfold you, and throw you into a dark room with your handsome lad. You thought it was hard having a conversation before. But this? Fuck this! This is crazy, man. This is some serious torment, right here.

Then there’s the rapings, and the beatings, and the starvation… All in good fun, of course. And the handsome hunk does finally grow some balls, and stand up for this perfect stranger named Lisa. He finally confronts their captors, and is promptly smacked in the face, like a bitch.

In the aftermath of all this, Lisa tells everyone to fuck off. Even her own mother. Because she can handle her own shit. She doesn’t need anyone’s fucking help. But of course, everyone keeps trying to help her, including her movie star fantasy man. But she’s having nothing of it.

She’s damn determined to live her own life, and deal with the rape baby on her own fucking terms. I can respect that. I’ve had to fight my whole life to live the way I want. Family always wants to ‘help’ or give their goddamn opinions on how to live. Fuck that. Live your own life.

I really like this book because the author had a firm grasp of conflict. Every goddamn page was filled with conflict. And that’s what drives a good story. And of course, having well-developed characters that I actually gave a fuck about certainly helped.

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One For The Money – is pretty cheap money

4 of 5 Dirty-Whore Stars – One For The Money by Janet Evanovich.

A very fun book. There are so many crazy, fucked up characters in this book, it’s just awesome. I guess, what makes it more interesting to me, is that I know fucked up people like this. They really exist, and I hate them so much. They make for great conflict though, which is what every good story needs.

This story is about Stephanie Plum, who ends up going to work as a bounty hunter for her shady bail bondsman cousin. Of course, Steph doesn’t know how to use a gun. She’s just a stupid Jersey girl, right? But no, she turns out to be quite adept in picking up the trade. Albeit in a bumbling bimbo sort of way.

Then there’s the sexy hunk bounty hunter who helps her out from time to time. You know she wants to fuck him, but of course he just brushes her off, which just makes you want the coupling even more. Then there’s her old high school boyfriend who’s a cop, and helps her catch bad guys as well.

Because apparently, stupid Steph is fucking useless by herself. I mean, really… I don’t know why the fuck her cousin hired her. If it weren’t for her numerous boy toys, she’d never catch any bad guys. So what’s the fucking point?

Oh, I get it. It’s just a sneaky trick. Because without Steph working there, her boy toys would never help out. That’s one sneaky cousin, right there. So I guess she does get the job done, in the end. So she does it with pussy and feminine charm. Big deal. Whores don’t get no respect.

I really liked this book. It was a fun, quick read. And there’s no cardboard characters in this book. They’re all sassy, and full of spunk. Well, at least the guys are full of spunk. Oh wait, I guess the chicks are full of spunk too. Well, unless they spit instead of swallow.

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Dark Souls – eat at my brain

3 of 5 Emo-Hades Stars – Dark Souls (Divine Darkness #1) by J.N. Colon.

Hades leaves the Underworld to go back to high school as a hot, brooding teenager. This has got to be a laugh riot, right? Not so much. In fact, it’s not even a little bit funny. It’s just silly, is what it is.

It’s silly because Hades goes to high school to retrieve some souls that escaped the Underworld, but he gets distracted by a shiny thing. A hot and shiny cheerleader. And he pines for her like a goddamn puppy dog. It’s so retarded. Since when was Hades such a sensitive faggot?

He roams around school, devouring random souls, like you do. Like the monster he’s supposed to be. But then Hartley wanders by and he just starts stammering like a pimply faced freshman. He must have her. But lo, what is this? She’s got a fucking boyfriend? Nooooooooooooooooo!

And then Thor shows up to the same goddamn high school. Hades is all like, “What the fuck man? Get your own goddamn high school.”

And Thor goes, “Hey bro. I’m just trying out for the football team, man. I hear they gots some fine ass cheerleaders at this school.”

Okay, so it’s not really Thor. It’s Hercules. But Thor’s more cooler. So, fuck you.

But Thor’s not a goddamn pussy, like Hades. Thor goes right on up to Hartley, Hades’ favorite cheerleader, and flirts with her mercilessly. Of course, Hartley’s boyfriend doesn’t take kindly to some Norse god hitting on his girl, especially when this book is about Greek gods.

After some harsh words, Hartley and her boyfriend finally do break up. Then, Hades swoops in for the kill. To finally finish his job, and take her soul back to the Underworld. Wait, no he doesn’t. Because he’s a goddamn pussy. So, he just starts stalking her. Following her around town. Hiding in her closet, and jacking off while she does her fucking homework.

I don’t understand this book. It’s a very uncharacteristic portrayal of these well-known Greek god archetypes. I mean, Hades is the good guy, and Thor (Hercules) is the bad guy? How does that make any fucking sense at all? It doesn’t. It’s fucking stupid.

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The Healer – doesn’t want to heal

2 of 5 Stupid-Cunt Stars – The Healer by Christoph Fischer.

This book is very repetitive. “Heal me!” “No, I don’t want to. Fuck off.” “Come on, heal me please!” “No. Eat a dick.” “But but… I’ve got shit tons of money!” “Fine, give it to me. Now, kindly fuck off.”

This book is about a healing guru who is hiding out in the country on an old farm. He has no interest in practicing medicine anymore, because he was discredited many years ago. He used to heal people for ridiculous amounts of money. He’d literally require his clients to give him half of their net worth.

Of course, this screams ‘SCAM ARTIST’. But this stupid cunt, Erica, thinks he’s the real deal. She’s dying of cancer, and has plenty of money, and is happy to part with half of it, if this fucking hippy can actually cure her. So she seeks him out, and finds his farm only to be told ever so kindly to ‘fuck off’.

Because the healer doesn’t want to have anything to do with healing anymore. He’s done with that shit. It got him in so much trouble in the past that he’s not even the slightest bit interested in healing just one more person. But Erica is a persistent little cunt.

She argues with The Healer over and over, assuring him that she wouldn’t possibly tell anyone about his magical healing powers. No, she wouldn’t do that, no way. And she’s some powerful ad exec who doesn’t take no for an answer, so she just keeps at it, until he finally caves.

“Fine,” he says. “Give me all your money. Every last fucking penny. Then maybe I’ll treat you. Until I’ve got the cash, kindly fuck off.” So she gets the cash, and he does treat her, by injecting her with his magic jizz juice. No, he doesn’t actually fuck her. That would have made the story much more interesting. He just injects her with his magic jizz with a needle. Taking all the fun out of it. Fucking bastard.

But is his magic jizz really magic? Or is it just a cleverly disguised saline solution? Who’s to say. But he does cure her, and she goes on her merry way, broke as fuck.

Then there’s this whole conspiracy thing, about some drug company that wants to secure the rights to The Healer’s magic jizz juice. But of course, he wants no part of it. So there are lawsuits and blackmail, and all sorts of sneaky business going on.

Then Erica’s cancer comes back. Fucking great. Now we get to do all this shit all over again. Fuck me sideways. So no, I didn’t care for this book at all. It had some interesting plot twists in the end, but it was too little too late.

The entire time reading this, all I wanted was for someone to shoot that fucking twat Erica in her goddamn face. Because that’s really what she deserves. Cancer is just too good for her.

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