Posts Tagged ‘kindle’

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4 of 5 Something-Something-Dark-Side Stars – Sunfall by James Austin McCormick.

This is a very cool book. But it reminds me way too much of Star Wars. I mean, it’s got the scruffy young nerf herder guy who’s a cross between Han Solo and Luke Skywalker. Because he’s a rebel with his own Millennium Falcon. He’s good with fixing things, like Luke. And of course, he saves the princess.

Because yes, there’s also a goddamn Princess Lea. I’m surprised there wasn’t a fucking wookie. But wait, there’s more! There’s a mutant Darth Vader. He’s a genetically modified killing machine. An assassin. And I guess, kind of a bounty hunter. So it’s like Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt fucked and made this guy. Awesome.

(Just imagine the text below scrolling like Star Wars)

Long, long ago… In a galaxy far, far away… Luke Skywalker, I mean Zac, meets this girl who needs to catch a ride to Mars…

(Okay, end the scrolling… This is getting silly)

This story is about the destruction of Mars by the Death Star. Okay, there’s no Death Star. But still. I mean the similarities are staggering. But Mars is actually doomed to be wiped out by some solar storm, or some such shit. And the princess has the magic technology to save the planet.

Okay, she’s not really a princess. Sana is just a really rich girl, with really rich and brilliant parents. They developed the technology to save an entire planet with self-replicating nano-thingies. And Sana is wandering around a space port with this nano-tube that’s worth billions.

In comes the nerf herder. He agrees to take her to Mars for a bajillion credits, because he’s a selfish cunt, just like Han Solo. And of course he owes some kind of debt to the mob boss at the space station. Just like the cantina scene in fucking Star Wars.

Zac and Sana flee to the Millennium Falcon, and barely escape the space station alive. But wait, the Darth Vader and Boba Fett butt baby is hot on their trail. He’s a fucking killing machine on a rampage, and he will stop at nothing to get the precious nano-tube.

Really, nothing can stop this fucking guy. He’s one strong butt baby, that’s for sure. I mean, his spaceship slams head-on with a fucking asteroid, exploding and shattering to pieces, and this fucking guy survives to continue the chase. He’s like the goddamn Terminator, this guy.

I could go on and on, because this really is a great story. It would have been five stars for sure, if it didn’t remind me so much of Star Wars. But it’s still a fun story to read, and I would highly recommend it to anyone who loves science fiction.

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4 of 5 Standard-Fantasy Stars Pawn of Prophecy by David Eddings.

This book raped my virgin brain. It was the very first book I read for my own pleasure, when I was twelve years old. Before I read this book, I hated every single book I ever read. Because those books were for school. And I fucking hated school. Teachers never assigned books like this. They assigned books that sucked donkey balls.

Pawn of Prophecy made me want to become a writer. Because this book showed me what was possible. It showed me the depth of imagination. The depth of character. And the depth of a good story. Because the characters in this book were so real to me. I felt for them, and I actually cared what happened to them. I had never experienced this before. After hating so many books, it was a strange feeling.

But that feeling soon faded, as the story in this book started to suck. That’s when I started writing my first story. Because I was so pissed off that the author chose to take my beloved characters in such a retarded direction. So I started writing my own version of the story. It was bigger, better, faster, and it sucked even worse than Eddings’ story.

So I went back to this book, and finished it. I finally put my faith in the author, and I’m glad I did. Because yes, this story could have been better. But it was told with such skill that in the end, I didn’t give a fuck where the story went, as long as I could keep reading about my favorite characters.

This story is about a stupid teenager named Garion, who’s apparently the heir to some throne, or something. It really is a very standard fantasy tale. Some nobody is needed for some special mission, or quest. They gather together a rag-tag bunch of ruffians, and trek through the wilderness and mountains to find some thing, or person that will save humanity. Or something.

When I read this book the first time, I wasn’t aware that this was the standard fantasy gig. I thought it was completely original. I hadn’t read The Hobbit, or The Lord of the Rings yet. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, okay? Nobody told me. I was just a scared little boy, reading a good book for the first time. I didn’t know if I needed to lube my butthole or not.

Still, in my opinion, this book is better than those Tolkien books. Yes, it’s the same goddamn story. But for some reason, I cared more about this one. I think it’s because the characters were so well crafted. It wasn’t the story, that’s for sure. Because this group of friends/lovers/bandits travel the countryside, looking for the Orb, or whatever.

They don’t find it, of course. Because there’s four more books to get through, for fuck’s sake. So the actual story in this book is quite short. They come to a castle and engage in battle to defend it. Garion  is nearly captured, but escapes. Then there’s a bunch of chit-chat about how this guy banged that guy and Garion’s aunt turns out to be his uncle, and all that happy horseshit.

But the chit-chat is what makes this book fun to read. Because the characters are actually interesting, and funny. I loved them, I really did. And in the end, I’m glad I got my mind raped by this book. Because it literally changed my life.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s FREE, with Kindle Unlimited.

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2 of 5 Bored-Me-To-Tears Stars – Patrizio by David Tanager.

I really can’t recommend this story to anyone. Because it’s just not worth it. It’s not worth reading, that is. It’s only worth two stars because at least it’s well written. Other than that, it’s a complete waste of the few pages it occupies. Thirty-one pages of an old man’s drivel.

This is the story of love and loss. Of death and sorrow. A story of an old man contemplating suicide, and a young boy who tries to stop him. It’s set in a bar, apparently in Italy. But to me it obviously wasn’t in Italy, because the grammar wasn’t correct. But as long as the bad grammar is ‘well written’, it’s okay, right? Wrong.

At thirty-one pages, you would think that this story would just fly by, right? Well, you’d be wrong. It drags on and on and on. I kept thinking to myself, “When the bloody fuck is this story going to have a point? If ever.” And in the end, I guess it did have a point. But for such a short story, there was way too much useless filler.

I guess the point is this: “Fuck God! Fuck him in his dirty rotten asshole!” Or something to that effect. Because that’s what the old man is saying the entire time. He’s having a long-winded conversation with this boy in the bar, and he keeps telling the boy to forget that stupid cross around his neck. Piss on it. Throw it in the fucking street. Because, fuck God. He’s done nothing for nobody.

The old man tries to make the argument that suicide is a brave thing to do. Because there’s nothing on the other side. There’s no fucking heaven. It’s all bullshit. Or so he says. So, to take one’s life, you’re giving in to nothingness. You’re giving up this one chance you have to live. “That’s bravery,” he says.

On the other hand, if you believe you’re going to heaven, like some damn fool, then you’re a fucking coward to take the easy way out. Because you’re just being a goddamn pussy. You’re not being brave. You just want to go home to momma. You want to be coddled in heaven, like some goddamn sissy-boy. So, fuck that.

So, yes. There is a point to this story. But it takes too long to get there. And the point of the story isn’t worth the pages it’s printed on. The author could have just made his point on the first bloody page, and saved me a lot of time.

But no, I had to work for it. I had to dig through this sludge of a story to find the goddamn ‘point’ nugget. And when I finally found it, I just didn’t give a fuck anymore.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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4 of 5 Sick-And-Twisted Stars – Little Secrets by S. N. Graves.

This is a very disturbing story about parents who hate their children. I get it, man. Kids are a pain in the fucking ass. But you don’t just kill ’em, and bury ’em in the woods. Especially if they’re pregnant. That’s just taking ‘Parent of the Year’ a bit too far, don’t ya think?

This story is about what happens when you bury a pregnant girl in the woods. Because, that’s how monsters are born. And sure enough, the monster stalks the woods at night, waiting for its prey.

But that’s not all. They also buried a pregnant cat in the woods. So now there’s a feral cat monster stalking the woods as well. That’s just great. How am I supposed to go streaking naked through the forest at night when there’s a bunch of monsters out there? I might get my dangly bits chewed off. Fuck that.

One of the most disturbing parts of this story is at the beginning, when the father asks the little girl to kill her kittens with a hammer. Seriously, dude? You’re gonna ask a little girl to do that shit? That’s fucking sick. But the girl refuses. So the father begins bashing the little heads in one by one. While the little girl watches, with tears in her eyes. Now THAT’S a disturbing scene. Seriously fucked up.

This is a short story, but it accomplishes so much, in a small amount of pages. Like character. All the characters in this story are well-developed. I can understand their motivation, and their emotion. Some authors can’t accomplish that in five hundred pages, let alone fifty.

I liked this story because it was disturbing and gory at the same time. It freaked me out, and sickened me. I fucking loved it. The only thing that was missing was a bit more back story. I’d really like to know more about how this family got so fucked up.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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5 of 5 Hot-Bimbo-Bot Stars – Future Fossil by Gene Bathurst.

This is such a fun story, and I really enjoyed it. It’s a Mad Max type story, set in a similar post-apocalyptic type world, where there’s hot android bitches, and talking velociraptors. Good times.

The story is about Magnum Thrax, and his gang of hot android bitches. They scour the wasteland for precious metals to sell to the almighty sex shop. Because sex is the real currency, apparently.

Thrax and his sexy bitches travel in a high-tech tank, ready for battle. They come across a mine, and follow it deep into the mountain, where they come across sentient rocks, and talking raptors who are about to sacrifice Thrax’s buddy, and his young sister.

And of course, they’re doing the sacrifice for their god, the T-Rex. But the T-Rex can’t talk for some reason. It’s just a plain ol’ T-Rex. Nothing special about it, except that it was engineered to heal itself, and grow a new head, if need be.

Thrax and his sex-bots jump into the mix to save their friends. Hot lead and lasers light up the cavern, as Thrax tries to save his sister and his stupid friend, who’s trying to negotiate with the dumb raptors. “I can make you bigger, stronger, faster,” he says, pretending to be some genetic scientist, when in fact, he’s just a computer programmer.

Thrax’s sister argues this with Kal, saying he’s not a bloody scientist, when Kal says, “I know that, but come on… How hard could it be? I could learn that shit in a couple of weeks.” Heh. I lol’d.

Then, Thrax battles the T-Rex, and severs its head. But that’s no big deal. The T-Rex grows a new head. But not just one. Two new heads! And the chase is on. The sex-bots jump on the T-Rex and sever its two heads. Now it’s got three heads! Holy shit.

The battle continues, until one of the sex-bots jumps on top of the T-Rex, and jacks into its brain, controlling it. Fucking mind control of a T-Rex? How awesome is that? Super fucking awesome. So the sex-bot goes crazy with the T-Rex, tearing up all the stupid raptors.

Could this story get any better? It’s fucking awesome. I couldn’t find any fault in it. For such a silly story, it was very well written. It’s something my wife refers to as ‘crack’. You just take a perfectly normal story and throw some crazy shit in there. Like talking raptors, and a T-Rex with three heads. And hell, everyone loves some good crack.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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2 of 5 Boring-As-Fuck Stars – When The Circus Came To Town by Deborah McClatchey.

This book is not very good. I mean, it’s a horror story, and it bored me to tears. I just couldn’t give a fuck about the characters in this story. I wanted them dead. I wanted to see them torn to pieces, and eaten alive.

Perhaps it’s because I like real horror, not subtle horror. This book is more like Stephen King horror, which to some may be a compliment, but to me, it’s an insult. Because I fucking hate Stephen King books. His early work was good, but after a few stories, he just got soft.

This book is soft from the start. It took quite a long time for anything to happen in this fucking story. I mean seriously, you can skip about half of it and not miss a goddamn thing. Most of this story is just bullshit about kids going to the fucking circus. All the stupid attractions and such.

I don’t give a fuck about the attractions. I don’t care about the goddamn lizard man, or the bearded lady. I care about whoever might be killing people. That’s the only thing that kept me interested at all. Then, when I found out who the killer was… Oh noes! Run for your life. Please. Bor-ing.

One thing that really cracked me up about this story is the fact that there were at least 4 flat tires. Try to remember the last time you got a flat tire. I can’t. But everyone in this fucking story gets a flat tire. Not because someone punctured it, but just because that shit apparently happens. All the fucking time.

And the killer wasn’t even scary. I mean every time he showed up and people screamed, I had to laugh. It’s just bloody ridiculous. Sure, if it was a scary clown, like it shows on the cover of this book, I’d run for the hills. But it’s not. It’s not anything to run from. It’s something you laugh at, and kick in the head.

In the end, it was a typical horror movie. The monster got killed, and buried. Then, he rose from the grave, as all monsters do. Because monsters can’t be killed. They can only be stalled. I don’t know why people bury monsters. Put ’em through a motherfucking wood chipper, for fuck’s sake. And be done with it.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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4 of 5 Evil-Villain Stars – Tannion by Wayne Elsner.

I really wish people would stop giving me these awesome books to read. I mean, what’s a guy gotta do to find a bad book in this town? It’s crazy. This is like my 3rd 4-Star review in a row. It’s out of control, man.

This book tells the story of Superman. Err, I mean, Tannion. You see, Tannion was struck by lightning. This isn’t usually something good that happens. But for Tannion, it turned him into a superhero. At first. Then it turned him into a murderer. A super-murderer. And at the end of the book, he was pretty much a super villain, stroking his fluffy white cat.

When it first started, he noticed that he could heal himself rather easily. Then he stabbed himself several thousand times, and found that he was pretty much Wolverine, but without that whole metal skeleton thing. Because Tannion could heal super-fast, and it turned out, he could heal others as well, just by touching them.

So he headed to a cancer ward, and healed some random patients. It was in the newspaper the next day. So he figured shit, that’s not gonna fly. Can’t have the press all over my ass. So fuck it, I’ll just go kill some bad guys. That doesn’t make me bad, right?

So Tannion does his best Dexter impression, and goes on a killing spree, supposedly killing only bad guys. Drug dealers, pimps, random guys that accosted him on the street. A bum who asked for spare change. Because fuck bums. They’re evil right? Bums? Fuck yea, of course they’re evil. Keep telling yourself that, man.

Soon after killing the bum in New York City, Tannion ended up killing a FBI agent, accidently-on-purpose, as you do. So he fled, and eventually landed in Los Angeles, where he took up the thug lifestyle, and joined a Russian crime syndicate. Because that’s how bad guys go to college.

This is a great book, filled with action. It has character arcs that will blow your fucking mind. And half the time, you can’t even tell the good guys from the bad guys. I mean, I couldn’t tell, anyway. Because I still don’t know if Tannion is really evil. He killed so many people…

But did he really do it to make the world a better place, or is he just no better than Dexter? I mean, did he just keep doing it, because he enjoyed killing, or did he just enjoy killing bad guys? I have no idea. But you can’t keep doing that shit if you don’t like it just a little.

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This weekend only. Get ‘em while they’re hot!

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3 of 5 Fucking-Disturbing Stars – Sink & Disintegrate by Cyma Rizwaan Khan.

This is a strange book. The cover is what got me hooked. It’s fucking amazing. But the story? Not so much. It’s a weird, disjointed story that makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

It’s the story of monsters. At first, I thought it wasn’t about real monsters. I thought it was about this guy who was abused as a child. And yes, parents can be monsters. But it turns out that it’s actually about real monsters, hiding amongst us. And possibly ghosts. And hallucinations.

It’s about this guy, Ethan, who desperately wants to cure the world of monsters. A stranger passes him a photo of some kid. A young boy who’s supposedly in trouble. The monsters are about to get him, or something. Or maybe the kid is already dead, who the fuck knows.

This is what drove me crazy about this book. Nothing is real. As far as I know, Ethan was a ghost the whole time. Either that, or he’s extremely schizophrenic. Because he hears voices and sees visions. Strange people just show up at his apartment, giving him advice. Threatening his life. And even saving his life.

Then they just disappear, like they were ghosts, or hallucinations. Again, who the fuck knows. It didn’t make any fucking sense to me, and yet it was still a compelling story.

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This weekend only. Get ‘em while they’re hot!

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4 of 5 Rotting-Flesh Stars – World War Z by Max Brooks.

After I saw the movie “World War Z” I had to give this book a shot, because after the movie, I thought, there must be something more to this story, because the movie didn’t make much sense at all. So, I read this book, and found it pretty fascinating.

It’s a completely different way of telling a story, for sure. It’s kind of like a collection of short stories, about one world-wide event. Each of the stories are written like an interview of different witnesses of the zombie war. Very little of these witness accounts make it into the movie. In fact, the movie has very little to do with the book.

I have to say, I like this book more than the movie, simply because it actually has more depth and detail. I got more of a complete idea of what the zombie war was like, from all around the world. Of course, there was no hollywood-like ending. In fact, there really wasn’t an ending at all. The interviews just stopped, and there were no more pages. I was like “What the actual fuck… What happened, goddamnit?!”

It was definitely an interesting read, but still not an actual story with beginning, middle and end. And, fuck Brad Pitt in his dirty asshole. Because, damn he’s hot.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1.

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This weekend only. Get ‘em while they’re hot!

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3 of 5 Flaming-Ass Stars – Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1 by Glenn Conley.

Okay, so this guy hates books. I get that. I fucking hate books too. But why’d he go and write a book about it? Isn’t that the most hypocritical thing to do? I mean, it seems like this guy literally wants to put a bunch of books in a pile and burn ’em. Great. So, is he gonna include his book as well, in this pile of books he’s gonna burn? I doubt it. Fucking hypocrite.

Apparently, this book is a collection of book reviews from this asshole’s blog. It’s 229 pages of horseshit, that’s already on his blog for free, for fuck’s sake. What’s the purpose of this goddamn book? Why the fuck would anyone buy it? It makes no sense to me, whatsoever.

Okay, maybe… Just maybe, I’d get this book to read on the shitter. I mean, I have to admit his reviews can be hysterical at times. It’s not something anyone would just buy, and sit down at their comphy chair and read. It’s not that kind of book.

I guess you could say it’s kind of like a novelty book. Like a joke book. Or something like “101 ways to piss off women.” That’s got to be a book, right? But how hard is it to piss off women? Not hard at all. Nobody needs that book, either. But they both serve their purpose. To pass the time, and get a slight chuckle, while waiting at your doctor’s office.

But be warned… I was reading this fucking book at the dentist office. They called my name and I just shouted “Ha! Fuck you, man. Oh not you, sorry. I meant this douchebag who wrote this review of Gone Girl. Fucking guy.” So yea, be careful where you read this thing. It’s dangerous, I tells ya.

There should be a warning on the goddamn thing. Just like fucking Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Well, not just like… I mean that one said “Don’t Panic.” I’m pretty sure that this guy’s warning should be the exact opposite of that. “Dude, Panic! Whatever you do, don’t read this goddamn book!” Or something to that effect.

But something tells me that it would be a briar patch kind of thing. Or maybe a Cartman kind of thing. “No! You can’t get into this amusement park. Now, fuck off.” Which was hailed as one of the most brilliant marketing strategies of its time. Movies started using it, saying “No! You can’t watch this movie. Fuck off!”

And it worked. People found a way to see those movies. They found a way into that amusement park. Because everyone wants something they can’t have. But I hate to break it to ya, Mr. Glenn Cocksucking Conley, but your book is available to anyone who wants to get it. You’re not stopping anyone with your silly warnings.

[ I wrote this review of my book of reviews about two weeks ago, when the cover literally had a warning on it that read, “WARNING: This book has lots of unnecessary profanity. Why? Because, FUCK YOU! That’s why. Got a problem with that? Eat a bag of dicks. They’re like potato chips. You can’t eat just one.” Yes, that entire warning was on the COVER of this book for like 2 days, before I changed it. lolz. I don’t know what I was thinking. ]

So fuck you, Glenn! YOU can eat a bag of dicks! And they’re nothing like potato chips. Well, I guess they are a bit salty. I mean, so I’ve heard.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1.

It’s FREE AT AMAZON RIGHT NOW!

This weekend only. Get ’em while they’re hot!

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