Posts Tagged ‘mystery’

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3 of 5 Dead Pigeon Stars – Tito’s Dead by Dermott Hayes.

I feel like I’ve read this book before. Maybe it’s because it reads like a fucking Guy Ritchie film. But with less humor. Well, no humor, in fact. It’s very dry, as Brits are wont to be. That doesn’t make it bad, per se. I mean, take the humor out of Snatch, and it would still be a kick-ass movie.

This book is the story of Tito, or at least, I wish it was the story of Tito. Because, Tito had quite the rich, and interesting life. Tito worked for the mob. How can you not, with a name like ‘Tito’, right? He dealt with whores, and drug dealers, and ruthless smugglers.

Unfortunately, most of this story happens after Tito’s death. But, at least his death was not in vain. See, Tito knew that he was in trouble. He knew that, sooner or later, he’d get off’d by the mob. So, in case of his death, he left a package to be delivered to a local newspaper man, which contained his life story, along with a ledger of the mob’s business.

No, this book isn’t about Tito’s rich and interesting life. It’s about mobsters trying to find the package. And crooked cops, murdering anyone who got in their way. And an Arab diplomat, who just happens to be a terrorist. Because, all Arabs are terrorists, right? Sure they are.

The problem with this book is, it’s NOT a Guy Ritchie film. There’s no vibrant characters at all. Every so-called ‘character’, if you can even call them that, is just plain cardboard. Okay, some aren’t cardboard, they’re straight-up stereotypes instead. Even Tito, who was really the most interesting guy in the story, was still just a cardboard cutout of a character. It’s sad, really.

Overall, this book had a decent story, albeit poorly told. I didn’t care for the author’s style, at all. The lack of actual characters to give a shit about really pissed me off. And the fact that the story was predictable as fuck after the first 100 pages or so, didn’t help the case.

And then there’s the fucking pigeons… Don’t get me started on the goddamn pigeons in this book. Tito’s pet pigeon. The mob guy who’s called The Pigeon. The old lighthouse that’s commonly referred to as ‘The Pigeon House’. The postcard that the dead Tito had in his pocket, that was signed by ‘Paddy the Pigeon’. It goes on and on about these motherfucking pigeons.

I don’t fucking care about the pigeons. They don’t have a goddamn thing to do with this story. And yet, the word ‘pigeon’ is literally used in this book over 100 fucking times. Just for that, the next time I see a fucking pigeon, I’m going to shoot it in its stupid fucking face. Because, fuck pigeons.

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3 of 5 Pregnant-Jack Stars – Stirred by JA Konrath & Blake Crouch.

Well, it looks like Luther Kite is up to no good again. And, here’s superhero cop Jack Daniels to save the day once again. Whooptie-freakin-doo. I’ve read this same goddamn story in all of these Konrath and Crouch novels. It’s just the same shit over and over. Bad guy kills some people. Jack tries her best to solve the crime.

Then, the bad guy kills more people. He taunts Jack, so she knows who’s doing the dirty deeds. He wants her hot on his heels. The game is so much more exciting that way.

For the most part, this book is about revenge. Everyone wants revenge against Jack. Because she’s just so good at her job, that she keeps putting bad guys in prison. And bad guys fucking hate prison. So they break out, and go after her. Again, nothing new.

Bad guys being after jack is pretty much standard operating procedure in these books. It’s to be expected. It’s also pretty obvious that the same plot tricks will happen in this book that have happened in all the other books. One bad guy isn’t who he seems. No surprise. The bad guys will get within inches of executing their brilliant plan, only for Jack to save the day. It’s the same shit every time.

So yes, the first 2/3 of this rather hefty 500 page book is boring and predictable. The last 1/3 however, was actually quite fun. Because it turned into a fucking SAW movie. Luther Kite had set up a nifty little scheme, where he hijacked a bus, and took the poor passengers to an abandoned warehouse, where he had all kinds of gore and fun planned.

Just like the SAW movies, he set these poor saps up in horrifying contraptions, where Jack Daniels would have to come and save them. Or, more likely, Jack would just get to see them all die, one by one, in more and more sick and twisted ways.

If it weren’t for that last third of the book, I’d give this book only 2 stars. But that last bit redeemed it, and made it just barely worth reading.

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3 of 5 Miserable-Dick-Wad Stars – A Walk Among the Tombstones by Lawrence Block.

I read that this book was being made into a movie, with Liam Kick-Ass Neeson starring. Oh goodie! This book has got to kick some ass. Plus, wait, oh my god, there’s a whole series of these novels with this guy. This is going to be so awesome!

Then, I read the book. I wouldn’t call it awesome. I’d call it typical. All these type of novels are the same. Private-eye does some shady dealings with drug dealers, and everything goes wrong. Its the same shit as Jack Reacher and a million other novels. Nothing new. Move along.

That being said, it’s still a good book. Plenty of action. People get killed and chopped into little bits. But, even that’s not original. Okay, packaging each little bit, like they’re chunks of salami was a bit unusual. It’s just not impressive, after you’ve read several of these types of books.

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