Posts Tagged ‘romance’

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3 of 5 Strange-Cock Stars – Tale of Two Bookends by Jessica Marie Baumgartner. Check out her WordPress blog.

This book puts an interesting twist on erotica. Why write about humans humping when you can write about demons humping? And I have to assume that these hunky demons sparkle in sunlight. Because this book reminds me a lot of those shitty Twilight books.

This book is about the incubus Dane Cook. He feeds off human energy to stay immortal. And for some reason, he has to have fresh cock at least once a month, or his sandy vagina will start to bleed. Or something like that. It’s really fucking stupid.

It’s like the author needed a reason to put Dane Cook into a three-way. Like a real life-threatening reason. Why the fuck you even need a reason, is beyond me. I mean, if you’re Dane Cook, you don’t need a reason to fuck some strange. You just do it. Because you’re Dane Motherfucking Cook, for fuck’s sake.

One day, Dane is just minding his own business, fucking strange pussy and sucking off strange cock. Then he bumps into this nerdy girl on the sidewalk. And immediately he’s obsessed with her. Nobody knows why. Even his incubus roommate is confused as fuck.

I mean how do you live for thousands of years, fucking strange ass every goddamn day, and then you just fall head-over-heels in love with some random nerdy chick? What the fuck, man? Give me a reason. Okay, so they both like books, and the girl owns a bookstore. Big fucking deal.

I need a reason why this girl is so special. Because, as far as I can tell, Jenna is just a slut. A plain, nerdy slut. Nothing special about her at all. If you’ve lived thousands of years as Dane Cook has, you’ve seen her type thousands of times. So why her?

There’s a few decent sex scenes in this book. I do like the bi-sexual angle, because I’m bi myself. But the scenes weren’t particularly unique or kinky. It’s just sex. And, apparently, it’s mind-blowing. Because this nerdy girl completely loses her mind for the very over-rated Dane Cook.

So he makes you cum. Big deal. Lots of guys can make you cum. It’s not rocket science, people. So I really don’t get the whole “Oh, you’ve made me cum. Wow. You can have me forever…” bit. Because there just isn’t any substance to their relationship.

Maybe it’s a girl thing. A fantasy. That some demon-boy will come sweep you off your feet. Make you cum. Tell you everything you want to hear. Oh you’re so beautiful. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. No, you totally don’t look fat in those pants. Girls. I’ll never understand them.

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3 of 5 Totally-Catfished Stars – Before Time by Xunaira J.

This entire book is fucking pointless. It’s just a long drawn-out mIRC conversation. It’s nearly two hundred pages, but that’s all it is. Just online chat bullshit. It just never goes anywhere. I kept hoping for something to happen in the real world, but it never did.

This story is about twenty-year-old Onaiza and her online boyfriend. Okay, he’s not really her boyfriend. He’s just some random stranger on mIRC who suddenly becomes very interested in her. Or maybe he’s not interested in her at all. Because he’s so fucking aloof.

He tells her over and over in chat that she shouldn’t care for him. That he’s a cold-hearted asshole. That she should never trust anyone on mIRC, especially not him. He tells her that she definitely should NOT tell him any of her secrets. No, anything but that. Please.

Apparently, that’s the best way to get some innocent girl to tell you everything about herself. Because that’s what she does. She immediately tells him everything about herself. How she’s an ugly fat whale. How she’s probably better off dead. Because nobody cares about her. Awwww.

Seriously, she’s such a cry baby. She sounds more like a 13-year-old than a twenty year old. I mean, I’m really not sure who’s being catfished here. Because the dude sounds like he’s probably in his forties. If he is in fact a dude. So maybe they’re double catfishing. Ha! Wouldn’t that be something?

If you don’t know what catfishing is, for fuck’s sake man, turn on the TV for once in your life. There’s a movie called Catfish which spawned a TV show that is on its third season now. It’s about people who pretend to be someone else on the internet. Sometimes they do it because they’re really in love, but are ashamed of who they really are. Other times, they just like fucking with people.

So that’s really what I assumed this story was. A catfish story. But I really couldn’t tell who was being catfished. If either of them was. Because they talked about life, and love. About sex, and orgasms. About how she’s beautiful on the inside. And how she should really lose some weight, man. Because, damn.

But nothing ever really happened. There was no conclusion at all. Except for them both telling each other off. Fine, don’t love me. I didn’t like you anyway. Oh yea? Well… Well, you’re a fat whale. So there! Neener, neener. Okay, maybe the guy isn’t some forty-year-old creep. More like ten.

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5 of 5 Pinned-To-The-Wall Stars – Pinned! by Vicki C. Smith.

This is the most erotic book I have ever read. And I’ve read quite a bit of erotica. I pretty much had a raging boner the entire time, while reading this book. If it was an actual paperback, instead of a kindle version, it would be quite sticky.

This is the story of Sindy, a married woman who really enjoys violent, forceful sex. The first scene in this book is a violent rape scene. For a second, I thought she was really getting raped. But then, it turns out that she had this whole thing arranged.

In a darkened hallway, in a mall. Where the cameras can’t see. She’s taken forcefully. Thrust down to the cement floor, and fucked mercilessly. The ‘stranger’ slaps her ass with a hard leathered hand. Wraps her long hair around his fist, and keeps on pounding until she cums like a racehorse.

Sindy works in a hair salon, in the mall. She takes her lunch break, and is approached by a handsome business man. They have some conversation, and he invites her to work part-time at his bowling alley. This excites crazy ass Sindy, because it’s been said that shady things happen at that bowling alley. Drug dealers. Pimps. Mobsters.

She takes the job, and soon finds out that she’s not just a bartender at the bowling alley. Jeremy, the handsome business man who hired her, asks her back to his office and promptly tosses her over his desk and violently fucks her. Giving her orders. “Bend over, kneel, put your hands over your head…”

And Sindy fucking loves every second of it. She can’t get enough of this kinky sex. Even though she has a husband and a daughter at home. She doesn’t fucking care. She just want’s to get fucked hard. Is that so wrong? I say nay nay.

And then Jeremy starts killing people, as you do. And he gets Sindy to help him dispose of the body. Which makes her horny as fuck. So they fuck madly, right next to the dead body. Man, this bitch is 50 shades of seriously fucked in the head. But goddamn, that was some hot erotic action.

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2 of 5 Hardcore-Anal Stars – Breakup by Grace Kagni.

I fucking hated this book. It’s filled with so much bullshit romance garbage, I wanted to puke. That is, until I came (heh, I came) across the hardcore anal sex. Then, I was all like, hmmmmm… I could get into this book.

Because it seemed like the sex scenes were not written for women. They must have been written for men. Because, come on… How many women fantasize about anal sex? And how many of those women also fantasize about giving head? Not too many, I’d think.

What we’re talking about here is a female unicorn. A woman who can easily climax multiple times, just from having a cock in her mouth. Or a dick in her ass. Multiple orgasms. Yeah, sure. If you ever find one of these unicorn girls, put a ring on that finger, man. Because it doesn’t get any better than that.

But, see what I’m saying? I have to assume that the target audience for this book is women, because shit man, you don’t see many guys at the airport reading romance novels. Well, maybe they would, if there was something on the cover that said, “Hardcore Anal Sex Scenes!” I mean, I’d read that shit, sure.

But why would a woman read it? It doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. Sure, the story is about a couple rich guys fighting over a plain girl who cleans toilets and washes dishes for a living. It’s a pretty standard romance tale.

So, I understand why women would want to read about that shit. All the actual romance is definitely written for women. But the sex? No way, man. That shit is straight-up porn. And sure, women like porn just as much as men do, but they don’t want to read about hardcore anal sex.

Or am I wrong? Somebody please correct me here. Do women really want to read about giving head and swallowing huge loads of jizz? Does that really get them off? I’m so confused right now.

In the end, I hated this book because the story was so fucking stupid. It’s just a simple, pointless story. And the characters were pure cardboard. No substance to them at all. And there were no surprises. Everything was way too predictable. So yeah, fuck this book.

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4 of 5 Not-Very-Romantic Stars – Of Love and Distance by Divya Jyoti Randev

I’m really not a fan of romance novels. Because for the most part, they suck dirty donkey balls. But this book is not one of those books. This one has much more to it than romance. In fact, it has very little to do with romance, and more to do with being a strong woman. Being independent. And being brave.

This book is about Lisa, a journalist who is tasked with interviewing her teenage crush. While riding in a limo with Robert, on the way to the studio to do their interview, they’re both attacked and taken hostage. Because it’s set in India, and apparently that’s what they do there.

So imagine if you will, riding in a limo with a man who you’ve been secretly in love with for years. You’re supposed to interview him. But you can barely speak to him… He’s just so goddamn dreamy! How are you supposed to have a conversation with someone you’re drooling over? It’s bloody well impossible!

But then, you’re kidnapped and tied up. They blindfold you, and throw you into a dark room with your handsome lad. You thought it was hard having a conversation before. But this? Fuck this! This is crazy, man. This is some serious torment, right here.

Then there’s the rapings, and the beatings, and the starvation… All in good fun, of course. And the handsome hunk does finally grow some balls, and stand up for this perfect stranger named Lisa. He finally confronts their captors, and is promptly smacked in the face, like a bitch.

In the aftermath of all this, Lisa tells everyone to fuck off. Even her own mother. Because she can handle her own shit. She doesn’t need anyone’s fucking help. But of course, everyone keeps trying to help her, including her movie star fantasy man. But she’s having nothing of it.

She’s damn determined to live her own life, and deal with the rape baby on her own fucking terms. I can respect that. I’ve had to fight my whole life to live the way I want. Family always wants to ‘help’ or give their goddamn opinions on how to live. Fuck that. Live your own life.

I really like this book because the author had a firm grasp of conflict. Every goddamn page was filled with conflict. And that’s what drives a good story. And of course, having well-developed characters that I actually gave a fuck about certainly helped.

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4 of 5 50-Shades-Of-Anal Stars – Merissa by Emma Jaye.

I actually enjoyed this book. It’s hardcore BDSM, which is always fun. But this book isn’t stupid, like that ridiculous Fifty Shades of Grey. No, this book describes BDSM as it should be. Where the Dom actually protects, and cares for his Sub.

Fifty Shades is more about abuse, and mental illness. It’s about BDSM gone wrong. This book describes how BDSM can be a good, healthy relationship. With immense pleasure, on both sides. In fact, it describes something called ‘subspace’, which is like a runner’s high.

When the call-girl, Marissa first experienced subspace, she described it like the first time she tried marijuana. She was out of her mind, high as balls, as she was bound and fucked furiously. She was so baked on sex, that she hardly remembered what happened.

This book is about a plain, twenty-something woman, who works a shitty job at a call center. She gets together with some of her friends, and gets drunk on red wine. One of the friends suggests to Merissa that she turn tricks. Because, that’s what friends are for.

Of course, Merissa doesn’t want to be a whore. Not a street-walker, at least. But her friends explain the arrangement. It’s a high-class call-girl type of deal. Their clients are super-rich guys who pay ten grand a session. And one of their new clients wants a fresh Sub. Someone who’s not into the scene. A girl he can start fresh with, like a clean canvas.

Merissa is perfect for this client, because she’s fucking clueless. She thinks she might want to try the Sub part out, but she’s not sure. She meets up with the rich-guy client, and they have mad, passionate Dom/Sub sex, like they’ve been doing it for years.

This is the problem that I have with this book. It’s said that neither Merissa, or her client, Sully, have had any experience with the BDSM scene. They’re supposedly BDSM virgins, so to speak. So how the fuck do they just fall into the roles so easily? There’s no struggle. No conflict about the inherent dangers of such a relationship.

That’s one thing that Fifty Shades got right. At least there was some fucking conflict in that story. In this story, everything they do is just fucking awesome. Nipple clamps? Sure, that’s just wonderful. A spanking? Oh, yes please, that’s marvelous. Fuck that shit, goddamnit. Give me some struggle, some conflict and resolution. Is that too much to ask?

But no. Everything in this book is just happy-joy-joy fucking. And the rich fuck Sully asks the plain Merissa to marry him, of course. It’s all just a girly fantasy. Well, except for the hardcore ass fucking. And the best line of this book: “he hit her g spot from inside her ass.”

Seriously? He hit her g-spot from inside her ass? That’s fucking awesome, and completely retarded.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

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3 of 5 Selfish-Cunt Stars – Every Day by David Levithan.

This is a very compelling love story. Unfortunately, that’s all it is. A love story. With its premise of an entity who wakes up in a different teenage body every day, it could have been so much more than a love story.

This entity, named simply ‘A’, wakes up one day as an asshole jock who just happens to have a sweet, beautiful girlfriend. A falls instantly in love with said girlfriend, and takes her on a fabulous, unforgettable journey to the beach.

And so begins their strange affair. As A wakes up the next day as a 16 year old girl, all she can think about is Rhiannon, the girlfriend from the day before. So, A begins to insert herself into Rhiannon’s life. Every time she/he wakes up as a different person, she finds a way to get back to Rhiannon’s life.

Eventually, A tells Rhiannon the incredible story of her so-called life. About waking up as a different person every goddamn day. And A explains the love she feels for Rhiannon, how she desperately needs to be part of Rhiannon’s life. Of course, Rhiannon has a hard time believing such a crazy story. But she finally does accept it, as A turns up every day as a different teenager.

It really is a fascinating story, because every day, A has to find a way to get back to Rhiannon. And Every day, Rhiannon has to wrestle with the idea of loving an entity. Loving a soul, while trying to ignore the human package it’s wrapped in.

It was kind of funny, when A turned up to see Rhiannon as a 300 pound fat-ass geek-boy. It was kind of hard for Rhiannon to see the soul of A, when she/he was wrapped up in such an unattractive package.

This story was an interesting study in sexuality, because A could wake up as a girl or a boy, and it never really mattered to he/she. A still wanted the same things. Still attracted to Rhiannon as much as the day before. Hell, they even kissed as both boy and girl.

One time, A woke up naked, in the arms of another girl. And it was beautiful. There was so much love, and nakedness, and sweet girl-on-girl action. I think I even got a mild chubby, reading that bit.

But, there was this whole sub-plot, where one boy that A inhabited actually woke up thinking he had been possessed by the devil. And, it got spread all over the internet, and the tabloids. THE DEVIL IS AMONG US! And there was this preacher who went on an on about the whole devil possession thing.

A goes to meet the preacher, and finds out that he’s in fact the same type of entity. Or something. It didn’t really make much sense. It was like the author had this idea, about the demon possession thing, and just forgot about it or something. Because that could have made this story much more than just a love story.

Because, A finds out that not only are there others out there just like her/him, but that it is actually possible to keep the body you woke up in, instead of switching to another at midnight. So, A could actually have a life together with Rhiannon.

But no. Instead, she runs away to another city, so she will never see Rhiannon again. Because she/he doesn’t want to steal another person’s life. I don’t fucking get it. This whole goddamn story is about A trying to find a way to have a love life with Rhiannon. As soon as she discovers a way to make it happen, she just abandons it, and runs away.

What the actual FUCK? The ending just negates the whole fucking story. It’s fucking bullshit. This whole time A is struggling to get together with Rhiannon. It’s the love she/he’s always wanted. And then, it’s just ended? What a crying shame.

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1 of 5 Dreadful Stars – Beneath The Surface Lies by Colin Hudson.

I don’t like romance novels. In fact, I hate them with a passion. But, when the author of this book emailed me a copy, he didn’t include a description. So, my poor, unassuming brain was thrust upon this abomination, without warning.

That being said, this book is a complete fucking waste of time. It’s some bullshit tropical romance novel. This couple goes scuba diving, only to find a corpse of someone they just met at their hotel the day before. Oh noes! That’s totally gonna ruin their beautiful vacation.

The story is poorly written. It’s shallow and pointless. The characters are as cardboard as they come. And, for a romance novel, there isn’t even any graphic sex scenes. What the fuck, man? Come on, now. That’s all people read this shit for.

It pisses me off that I spent a couple house reading this. I want my time back, goddamnit. I mean, my brain actually hurts, after reading this shit. I think I may have killed some brain cells with this one. And I have so few brain cells as it is, losing just one can be catastrophic.

So fuck Colin Hodson in his dirty hack asshole for writing this worthless excuse for a romance novel. Because I couldn’t even jack off to this garbage. Trust me, I tried.

I received a free Advance Reader Copy of this book for an honest review. The book has not been published yet.

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