Posts Tagged ‘sci-fi’

0b

2 of 5 Retarded-As-Fuck Stars – An End to the Thrill by Varun Kumar

This ‘book’ of short stories isn’t really a book. It’s only 52 pages, nine of which are filler bullshit. Dedications and such. Who the fuck cares? Why does it take nine fucking pages to get to the first goddamn story? It’s retarded. Such a waste of space. Hell, that wasted space is longer than most of the stories in this stupid collection.

Most of the stories are set in some kind of alternate reality or future. They’re science-fiction stories, which I usually like. But I didn’t like most of these stories. Mostly because they didn’t make any fucking sense. Or they required me to actually think. I don’t read stories to think, goddamnit. Just tell me what happened, for fuck’s sake. Is that too much to ask? Why do I have to guess and make my own goddamn conclusion? Isn’t that your responsibility as the writer? I guess not.

The first story in this collection is about a guy trying to make it rich with time travel. But either the character is retarded, or the author is. Probably both. Because the guy tells his wife he wants to see how his investments will do over twenty years, and tells her he’ll be back in five minutes. Apparently his plan was to go into the future twenty years, and check on his investments. Then return and change his investments accordingly.

Well, this doesn’t make any fucking sense. First of all, he placed the money in a trust, supposedly. That’s not usually an investment. Then, we find out he didn’t actually put the money in a trust. He hid it somewhere. Or something.

So, he shows up again, back from the future, and asks his wife, “So, what’s our money worth now?” Which also doesn’t make any fucking sense. Because she had no fucking access to the money. And wasn’t it his idea to go into the future to see what his investments would be worth? What the bloody fuck is going on? Why would he ask her? I just don’t get it.

The only story I actually liked also made no fucking sense whatsoever. A guy has an evil plan to get rich by buying lottery tickets every day. So yeah, that’s like the worst plan ever. So his wife leaves him for a guy who’s already rich. Cool. But the lottery guy wants revenge. So he keeps playing the lottery until he actually hits it big. So he invests in a huge scam where he starts a rumor that the world is going to end in ten years. And he puts up a billboard saying he’s got the only safe spot to watch the end of the world from. You know, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe style.

The catch is, you have to put up all your money in order to visit this so-called restaurant. And sure enough, only one couple on Earth is stupid enough to fall for this scam. The lottery guy and her rich lover. Seriously? That’s convenient. And also completely retarded. But still a slightly interesting story.

I really wouldn’t recommend this book to anyone. It’s pretty much a waste of time. Unless you happen to like being confused. But even if being confused is your thing, there are plenty of other books more worthy of your time. Actual BOOKS, not just short collections, like this one. All in all, I was glad there was an end to this ‘thrill’. Heh.

023168818

4 of 5 Sucky-Ass-Future Stars – Time Salvager by Wesley Chu.

This book is absolutely fascinating. The world and technology that the author created for this book is fucking mind-boggling. Such a staggering imagination. And yet, it’s really just a short story dragged out for four-hundred goddamn pages. I would have much rather read a condensed version of this story. Maybe a hundred or so pages. It would have been much better that way.

But no. We can’t have that, now can we? It’s got to be a full length book, or nothing at all, right? Fucking publishers. At least i have to assume it’s the publisher’s fault. I have to think that Mr. Chu wrote this amazing novella, and the publishers said, “Oh, hell no. You gotta fatten this fucker up, Chu. We aren’t gonna publish some bullshit novella. The days of Phillip K. Dick are over, mister. Get with the program.”

So Mr. Chu went ahead and skull-fucked his perfectly fine story. Fattened it up to satisfy the asshole publishers. Or something like that. I mean, it’s still a great story, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I read the whole thing. But really, the story seemed to be over after about four chapters. Everything was pretty much done. All that was left was for the bad guys to find the good guy, and put a fucking bullet in his head.

But, even that didn’t happen, dammit. No, we’ve got to have the fucking Hollywood ending, so they can make this fucking thing into a goddamn movie. What the fuck, Chu? Write what you want, man. If Hollywood wants to skull-fuck the story, fine. But don’t skull-fuck it yourself for Christ sake. Damn.

This story is about time travel. It’s about James, a time traveling salvager. He jumps back in time to find artifacts that are worth a shit ton of cash to his current time. Of course this doesn’t make any fucking sense, because come on, man. I mean, James lives thousands of years in the future. Why the fuck is he going back thousands of years to get old-ass technology? What the bloody fuck? Don’t you think that the tech would be better in the future? Apparently not. Because this salvage operation is huge business in this particular future. Why? Nobody knows. It’s all bullshit, really.

And soon, something goes awry in one of his salvage missions. He gets the tech that he came for, and for some reason he brings along some hot scientist chick. He saves her from a huge explosion, and she ends up tagging along with James back to the future. And this is a big deal. Because that is like Time Law #1, man. You don’t bring hot bitches back to the future. That’s just not cool, man.

Why? Well, it’s because some other scientist bitch that invented time travel came up with some bullshit laws while she was drunk one night. Seriously. She was fucking drunk, and just pulled some Time Laws out of her fucking ass. Like nobody would actually take these laws seriously, right? No way. So there’s all these Time Laws that these future time travelers have to obsessively follow, for no reason whatsoever. It’s so fucking stupid.

But that’s beside the point. The point is that James is now in deep fucking shit. He can’t go back to his buddies back at Time Base Central, or whatever. Because now he’s a goddamn fugitive. He brought back an anomaly. A very hot, naughty anomaly. And now the whole future world is out to get him and his hot scientist chick.

And then James gets caught, and the anomaly gets sent back to her real-time, right? That’s what should happen, right? The end? Nope. Then there’s the whole plot thing. You see, the would in their time is falling apart. Like seriously falling apart. The ocean is just a black sludge pit. The ozone… Don’t even get me started on the goddamn ozone. It’s just fucked, okay? And this hot scientist chick has the answers to solve this global meltdown. Apparently.

What? Seriously? Some fucking scientist bitch from a thousand years ago knows how to fix the future Earth? Nobody in a thousand years has come close to solving this problem, and all the sudden some bitch from a thousand years ago knows all the answers? Fucking seriously? Come on, man. That makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

So yeah, James and the scientist bitch set up shop with some indian folk. Seriously, they’re like Native Americans, or something. They talk funny. But apparently they have the best place to hide for fugitives, because they are like totally low tech, or something. Okay, cool. So James and his girly friend set up shop there, and try to save the planet. And james does some time jumping to get supplies for the village, and science supplies for the girly. And all is happy happy joy joy horseshit. Just waiting for the bad guys to swoop in at any second and fuck up all this happy shit. Please, for the love of god, bad guys, please swoop in and fuck this shit up. Because seriously, I can’t take this shit anymore.

Then, for no apparent reason, James goes and kidnaps the scientist bitch who invented time travel. You know, because he can, or something. And that bitch goes on to tell James just how drunk and stoned out of her mind she was when she came up with the so-called Time Laws. And James is like, “What…?” And the bitch is all like, “Totally, man.”

After about two hundred or so bullshit pages of filler, the bad guys finally do catch a goddamn clue, and come raid the Native American village, where James and his two scientist bitches are hiding. And I just have to wonder, just how the fuck does it take these guys so long to find someone? I mean, it’s thousands of years in the future, man. What, they don’t have Google? They’ve got to have something nine billion times better than Google, for fuck’s sake. I mean, if the author didn’t have to come up with so much goddamn filler, to satisfy his fucking publishers, I guarantee you the bad guys would catch up with James in like twenty-four hours, max.

A huge battle ensues, of course. But all the key people live for some bullshit Hollywood reason. I mean, seriously, everyone lives happily ever after. It’s such total bullshit, it makes me sick. That bitch who actually invented time travel comes out from behind a curtain at the end of the battle and says, “Oh, hey guys. Yes, it’s me. I know, I know, you think I’m some kind of god or something because I fucking invented time travel. But come on, man. Chill. Have a beer, or something. Let’s stop fighting and just have a big orgy.”

Well, that’s more or less how it went. You know, I really make this book sound pretty stupid. And I guess a lot of it is pretty stupid. But it was still an awesome book. I loved it, believe it or not. It could have been better. It should have been better. But even as it is, it’s still a damn fine book. I’d highly recommend it.

tao

4 of 5 Puppet-Master Stars – The Lives of Tao by Wesley Chu.

This book was frustrating for me. It was a very love/hate relationship while I was reading it. Because on the one hand, it’s an awesome fucking book. And on the other… Well, I really wanted to strangle Tao. He’s a real cocksucker. And he’s not even human. But yes, I did enjoy this book. It was very engaging, and I found myself acting like some black guy in a movie theatre, yelling at Tao all the way through this book. “Fuck you, Tao! Let the poor fat bastard do what he wants! Damn!”

The book is about Tao (duh), who is a ancient alien entity, who is literally centuries old. He has lived within many famous humans over time. Pretty much any famous, influential figure in history, this jackass Tao was living inside the guy’s head, telling him what to do, and how to conquer the world.

The story starts out with Tao basically driving a Ferrari of a human. Taking his prized human into battle. Kicking ass, and taking names, while chewing bubble gum. But then, the unthinkable happens. His super-human, who Tao has trained for many years, is finally killed. And this means that Tao has to find a new host. But that’s not an easy thing to do when you’ve just been punted over a cliff, and your host died on the way down.

So Tao finds the only available host. A poor fat bastard, that happened to be wandering around town in the middle of night, only to be inhabited by his worst fucking nightmare. Tao, the bastard. It’s a nightmare, because Tao is now stuck in this fat fucker, until he dies of a heart attack or something. And Tao doesn’t want to be lugging around such a fat sack of shit. He’s used to awesomeness. So he’s gonna have to find a way to train this fat lazy slob to be a super-spy. Or die trying.

This is when I started screaming at the pages. Telling Tao to go fuck himself. Because he finally reveals himself to this poor fat guy, and tells him in no uncertain terms, that he’s got to go outside and exercise like right fucking now. And the fat guy tells Tao “Yeah, right. Get fucked.” Or something like that. Seriously, for a second, this fat guy was my fucking hero.

But then Tao played an evil trick. He brings in some hot chick to train the fat guy. That’s fucking evil, man. No fat guy is gonna turn down training with a hot chick. And I was all like “Noooooooooooo! Don’t do it, fat guy! Run for your goddamn life, man!” But I knew it was no use. Because, of course the fat guy is gonna go out and try to jog with this girl. Dammit to hell.

And of course, there’s this evil plot thing, where there’s an evil faction of the alien entities who are out to rule the world. Or something. I don’t fucking know. All I know is there’s a fucking alien battle raging on earth, and most of the world has no fucking idea it’s happening.

What I really don’t get is the fact that Tao is the evil faction’s #1 target. Everyone want’s to kill Tao. Which is one of the reasons he has to train his host to be a super fighting machine. Okay, I get why everyone wants to kill Tao. Not just because he’s a fucking asshole. It’s because he’s one of the oldest and most influential alien entities out there. That makes sense.

But what doesn’t make sense is the fact that these evil fuckers can’t find Tao. It’s fucking retarded. This is the modern world they’re living in. With internet and everything. And these aliens are the smartest things imaginable. So why the fuck are they having such a hard time finding Tao and his host? It doesn’t make any fucking sense. At one point they figure out who Tao’s host is. They know where he works. They know where he lives. So what the fuck, man? Just kill him already.

There really needed to be more of an explanation of why these evil guys didn’t find Tao. It’s either that they’re fucking retarded, or maybe because they just didn’t want to, for some stupid reason. None of those explanations make any fucking sense. So what is it, Mr. Chu? What’s the deal man?

Anyway, it’s a great book. I enjoyed reading it. But it really was a struggle. In fact, this book got under my skin so much, that I actually wrote some fanfic about it. And I haven’t written fanfic in like twenty years. But I just had to, with this book. I needed some closure that this book didn’t provide. So I did it myself, goddamnit. So there. Fuck you, Tao.

**** And here’s my stupid fanfic. ****

Die Tao Die

“Hi,” I said to the group of Hosts in front of me, as I did my best impression of a smile, which turned out to be more of a smirk. “My name is Glenn, and I have an alien entity living in my fucking head.”

“Hi, Glenn,” the group said in unison.

“His name is Tao, and he’s a fucking cocksucker. He keeps trying to control my life, and it’s really starting to piss me off!” My audience was looking a bit alarmed.

So, I suck cock now, do I?

“No! Shut the fuck up, Tao. Fuck,” the audience was definitely getting a bit shocked. “Okay, fine. He’s not actually a cocksucker. If he was capable of sucking some cock, he might be able to do something good in this world. No, Tao is more of an asshole, really. And I just… I just don’t know what to do…”

One of the ladies in the front row gave me a knowing look and said, “It’s okay, Glenn. We’ve all been there. Just tell us your story. It’ll feel better, I promise.” And she finished it off with a sickening smile that made me want to puke. I just couldn’t understand how any of these Hosts were happy with their situation. It made absolutely no sense to me.

“Okay. So there I was, minding my own fucking business, eating lunch at the park. And there was this swift wind all the sudden. And I passed out, or something. Then, I woke up at my house. Crashed out on my couch. On my coffee table was my laptop. The browser was open to the most disgusting porn I’ve ever seen. I’m no prude, don’t get me wrong, but goddamn… There’s some porn you just don’t watch, know what I mean?

“So I’m thinking I must be sleep walking. But not sleep walking, sleep porn watching. Which is weird, right? Sure. Okay, I’ll buy that. But then this motherfucker starts talking in my fucking head. ‘Hi, Glenn’ it says. ‘My name is Tao, and you’re my new host. I’m pleased to meet you.’ And I’m like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE??!!

“He talks to me in my head, you see. I know, you’re all probably familiar with this, because you’re all hosts, but this shit is new to me, you know. He talks to me, and tries to make me do things. He tried to get me to exercise, for fuck’s sake! Exercise? Are you fucking kidding me? I’m a fat, lazy bastard, man. I don’t fucking exercise. It’s like he’s trying to kill me. I swear.

“’Let’s go on a run,’ he says. What ‘we’ is he talking about? It’s me doing the goddamn running. He’s not running at all. He’s just a useless lazy cunt…” I trailed off.

So, I’m a cunt now, am I? I thought you liked cunt. You’d eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner if you could get a date. But you’re too stupid and fat to get a date. And you won’t accept my help. Keep being a loser if you want. See if I care.

“Goddamnit, Tao! FUCK! YOU!” I pounded my fists on the podium, trying to make my point. The audience kept giving me those uncomfortable stares. “How do you people stand it? Seriously?”

Now you’ve done it, Glenn. You called them ‘you people’.

“Eat a dick, Tao! Damn. It’s like I can’t hear myself think with this guy stuffing up my head…”

Some guy in the second row spoke up, “It’s okay, man. You’ll get used to it. It’s not so bad, really. They can actually be quite helpful, you know.”

“But you don’t understand. I don’t want him to be helpful. I want him to fucking die. Yes, you heard me. I want to kill this motherfucker in the worst possible way. And yes, I understand that in order to do that, I’d have to kill myself. And I think I’m fine with that. As long as this cocksucker dies, I’m totally fine with killing myself.” I started gritting my teeth. I think I may have actually growled at some point.

An old lady in the front row spoke up after an uncomfortable silence. “Oh dear, don’t talk like that. These beings are our friends. They love us. I’m sure Tao would hate to lose you. He loves you. I’m sure of it.”

Haaaa ha hahahaha ahahahahahah oh my god. This is too funny. If they only knew.

“No. I’ve had it. This is enough. Tao is a fucking asshole, and all he wants to do is ruin my fucking life. And that’s why I insisted on having this meeting way out here in the middle of bum fuck nowhere. So Tao couldn’t find another host. I mean, he can’t inhabit one of you, because you’re already hosts, right?”

Then I gave one last smirk, pulled out my gun, and shot myself in the fucking head. It was the happiest moment of my life.

And now you’re in a coma, because you’re too stupid to even shoot yourself right. Good job, moron. Now I’m stuck here in your lifeless body until you die. Fuck my life.

0indie

4 of 5 Robot-Cock Stars – Independence by Alasdair Shaw.

This story is very short. I mean, you can’t really call it a ‘book’ at 28 pages. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what’s packed into those few pages. And let me tell you, there’s more action and intrigue packed into this story than there is in many full length novels.

It’s about the aftermath of a brutal space battle, where two ships survive. Both of the ships are just barely supporting life, as they are so horribly damaged from the battle. But one of the ships seems to be repairing itself. Like it’s alive or something.

So of course the dumb white people (I have to assume they’re white) from the other ship go to investigate the self-healing ship. And damn. Shit happens, man. The dumb ass white people get gang raped by androids. Then, just for fun, the droids chop the white people into little bits. Like cold cuts.

So yea, robots are evil. I get that, man. But why do the humans have to be so goddamn stupid. I mean, why the fuck are you even investigating this fucking ship? There’s no life signs. There’s nothing on that ship that you need. Just blow (heh, I said blow) the ship to kingdom come (and come!), and get on with your life.

Because you can’t fucking argue with robots, man. They’ll just laugh and shoot you in the face. Because apparently these robots have personality traits, or something. They’re happy to do their job. Burning human flesh makes these droids giggle like little school girls. Sick and twisted school girls.

I liked this story because it was packed with non-stop action. And because I’m a sick and twisted bastard. I love reading about idiots getting what they deserve. And getting fucked by droids with chainsaw dicks was definitely what these dumb white people deserved.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0ref

4 of 5 Alien-Matrix Stars – Reformed by by Anthony Morgan-Clark

This book is described as a short story collection. But it’s not. It’s a novel. And quite a good novel. It’s one of the best sci-fi books I’ve read, and I’ve read quite a few.

The only reason I didn’t give it 5 stars is because of the short story structure. It would have been a better book if it was written as a novel, instead of segments of a novel.

This story is about the future of criminal justice. About pre-crime justice technology. And of course, aliens. You can’t have a sci-fi story without aliens, right?

There’s this guy, Joe, who just got out of prison. He goes to the half-way house to plan his criminal future. Or does he? It seems to me that his whole life could just be a simulation. Because part of the justice system in this future puts repeat criminals into a Deep Sleep. It’s like the Matrix, because the prisoners are suspended in a virtual reality world, where they’re allowed to do their crimes in peace.

And then there’s the pre-crime revolution. Technology that’s developed to determine if someone will become a criminal. Or, if a criminal is likely to repeat his crimes. There’s a whole debate within the justice system about the legality of this technology. Is it fair to put someone in prison just because the technology says they will eventually become a criminal? Sure, you may save some lives. But if that’s the case, you might as well just put everyone in the Matrix. You’ll save even more lives!

But wait, the aliens have invaded the virtual reality. Oh noes! Apparently these aliens aren’t little green men. They’re energy, or something. They travel through the electricity, and troll people on the internet. And then they get bored of trolling, and finally just invade Earth, and destroy everything. Because that’s the only way they know how to save the Earth.

What? Save it? You just fucking destroyed it, you goddamn cocksuckers! What the fuck, man? How is that saving us? Oh, because even more evil aliens are on their way to destroy the Earth. Great. That’s like the best troll ever. Motherfuckers.

So the other evil aliens show up and destroy even more of the Earth. Like it’s some kind of sport. And the Earthlings have finally had enough destruction, so they decide to fuck the Earth. It’s a goddamn wasteland anyway. And they build huge spaceships, and take off to populate some other world.

Or did they? Maybe this whole goddamn story is in the fucking Matrix. Maybe there’s really no aliens. It’s all just Joe’s Matrix fantasy world. Who the fuck knows. All I know is, this is a damn fine book. There’s amazing technology, and fascinating characters. I fucking loved it.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0bat

2 of 5 Fucking-Pointless Stars – Worse than Senseless Things by J. Battle.

I was bored out of my mind while reading this book. It’s not funny. It’s not exciting. It’s just an endless battle scene, told from several different perspectives. To me, this just made the plot convoluted as fuck.

I do respect the amount of work that went into this book. The world-building was amazing. All the different alien races and planets were fascinating. But what were all these aliens doing? Just wandering around their planet with their token human. Not doing anything interesting at all.

Awesome world-building does not mean there’s going to be a good story to go with it. Unfortunately for this book, the world-building was all it had. The story was weak. The characters were stupid and cardboard. And the endless space battles were fucking pointless.

When a character says, “Sir, we’ve just lost 78 more ships, sir!” Okay, big fucking deal. Why’d you lose those ships? Where’s the conflict? What can you do about it? The fleet was constantly losing ships, and nobody ever did anything about it. So how am I supposed to care? Conflict without any meaning is just empty conflict. It’s fucking useless.

This book is about an intergalactic war. Everyone is fighting, for whatever reason. Planets, and entire civilizations are being destroyed. Because, reasons. It really is fucking pointless.

I had to drag myself, kicking and screaming, to the end of this book. I really couldn’t stand it. I just wanted it to be over. Just nuke the whole fucking galaxy, and be done with it. Because I can’t fucking take it any more.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook

0foss

5 of 5 Hot-Bimbo-Bot Stars – Future Fossil by Gene Bathurst.

This is such a fun story, and I really enjoyed it. It’s a Mad Max type story, set in a similar post-apocalyptic type world, where there’s hot android bitches, and talking velociraptors. Good times.

The story is about Magnum Thrax, and his gang of hot android bitches. They scour the wasteland for precious metals to sell to the almighty sex shop. Because sex is the real currency, apparently.

Thrax and his sexy bitches travel in a high-tech tank, ready for battle. They come across a mine, and follow it deep into the mountain, where they come across sentient rocks, and talking raptors who are about to sacrifice Thrax’s buddy, and his young sister.

And of course, they’re doing the sacrifice for their god, the T-Rex. But the T-Rex can’t talk for some reason. It’s just a plain ol’ T-Rex. Nothing special about it, except that it was engineered to heal itself, and grow a new head, if need be.

Thrax and his sex-bots jump into the mix to save their friends. Hot lead and lasers light up the cavern, as Thrax tries to save his sister and his stupid friend, who’s trying to negotiate with the dumb raptors. “I can make you bigger, stronger, faster,” he says, pretending to be some genetic scientist, when in fact, he’s just a computer programmer.

Thrax’s sister argues this with Kal, saying he’s not a bloody scientist, when Kal says, “I know that, but come on… How hard could it be? I could learn that shit in a couple of weeks.” Heh. I lol’d.

Then, Thrax battles the T-Rex, and severs its head. But that’s no big deal. The T-Rex grows a new head. But not just one. Two new heads! And the chase is on. The sex-bots jump on the T-Rex and sever its two heads. Now it’s got three heads! Holy shit.

The battle continues, until one of the sex-bots jumps on top of the T-Rex, and jacks into its brain, controlling it. Fucking mind control of a T-Rex? How awesome is that? Super fucking awesome. So the sex-bot goes crazy with the T-Rex, tearing up all the stupid raptors.

Could this story get any better? It’s fucking awesome. I couldn’t find any fault in it. For such a silly story, it was very well written. It’s something my wife refers to as ‘crack’. You just take a perfectly normal story and throw some crazy shit in there. Like talking raptors, and a T-Rex with three heads. And hell, everyone loves some good crack.

Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s free, with Kindle Unlimited.

Visit me at Goodreads and  Follow me on Twitter & Facebook