Posts Tagged ‘sci-fi’

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4 of 5 Golden-Ticket Stars – Ready Player One by Ernest Cline.

So, Willy Wonka and the virtual world. That’s what this book is. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It still makes for a very interesting book. But I still had some issues with it.

The “Ready Player One” bit, for instance. That is a phrase for arcade games, or console games, where there are possibilities of a second player. The way this game is described, everyone has their own console, or actually a visor that logs them into the virtual world. There’s never a second player. At no time would this game ask “Ready Player One”.

That argument aside, this is a very cool book. A compelling read that is only mostly predictable. I mean, from the very beginning, you find out that the protagonist will in fact be the one who wins the contest. So, the rest of the book is just the story of the journey of how he got there.

It’s not very often that an author spoils the entire book from the very first page, but this author does it with style. He’s all “Fuck you, man! This is what’s going to happen… Deal with it.” *Puts on sunglasses*.

This book is about a virtual reality game that everyone on the planet is pretty much addicted to. The creator of the game dies, and wills his vast fortune to whomever can find and solve the many Easter eggs that he scattered throughout the game. It’s a crazy, fun adventure, most of the time.

I’m not going to mention the completely impossible bits that make no sense. Because that would be nit-picky. And, I’m not a nit-picker, damnit. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m totally a nit-picker. Okay, maybe I’ll mention just one bit that made no sense whatsoever. Like the fact that the protagonist spent hours on an arcade version of Ms. Pac-Man, to get a perfect score.

There was no reason for him to do this. He did not know there would be a reward from this accomplishment, that would win him the entire contest. So, why did he set forth to get the perfect score? Just because he has crazy OCD? He never had OCD before that… So, yea. Doesn’t make sense at all.

It was still a very fun book to read. But yea, fuck Willy Wonka. Fuck him in his dirty chocolate asshole.

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3 of 5 Look-Who’s-Talking-Now Stars – Allegiant by Veronica Roth.

Shortly after starting this book, I got worried. I started to think that Tris was most certainly going to die. It was the only explanation for why the perspective kept jumping around from Tris, to Four, to some other jackass…

I mean, the first two books were written in the first person, from the Tris perspective. And then this book, jumping around from one perspective to another, was not only annoying as fuck, but it was very telling as to what’s going to happen to the narrator of the other books. She’s going to fucking die. There’s no other explanation for the other perspectives.

If you can get past these bullshit perspectives, and just try to enjoy the actual story in the book, it’s actually a decent book. There’s lots of action. There’s betrayal. Love gained, and love lost. A jail break. And finally, the death of the most annoying whiney-ass bitch, the angst-ridden Tris. Thank god.

This story centers around a rebellion. The people who call themselves the Allegiant. They are determined to get back to their old way of life. Where they’re all sorted into factions. So, I guess the Allegiant just want to go back to being mindless drones. Wow. So rebellious.

This book is also about finding out the truth about their society. How it came to be. What really are the Divergent? I mean, are they trying to get rid of the Divergent people, or are they, in fact, the reason for the whole society in the first place?

The description of how their walled-up society came to be is just fucking retarded. The Purity Wars? Seriously? There was a war about who’s genetically pure, and who’s supposedly flawed? That’s just silly. Then again, there have been wars about sillier things. Like religion. And slavery.

And yes, the Divergent are, in fact, the chosen ones. They are the genetically pure ones. But, unfortunately, it turns out that Four isn’t a real Divergent. He’s just slightly Divergent. So, he’s still flawed. So he and Tris break up, because who wants to be with someone who’s flawed. Awwww. So sad.

But don’t worry. They get back together, just before she dies. Because, drama and shit. The stupid thing is, there really was no need for her to die. I really don’t get it. In fact, I think the story would have been much better if she lived. Oh well. One less whiney-ass bitch.

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4 of 5 Unemployed Stars – Lyric the Unknown by Jim Maher.

This is a great book. I fucking loved it. Maybe it’s because I played the violin as a child, or maybe it’s because it’s a complete rip-off of In the After, but I don’t care. It’s still fucking awesome.

It’s the story of a young girl who hates her fucking violin. I can relate, because I hated mine too. I couldn’t play for shit. I couldn’t even read music. But one time, I was glad I had it with me. A few bullies cornered me as I was walking to school. But they soon left me alone as I raised my violin case and said “Bring it, bitches!”

Young Lyric was practicing her violin one day, when all the sudden, the end of the world came. She could see people running and screaming in the streets below her building, as monsters took over the city. Her sister and mother were taken, shrouded in a cocoon, and dragged to the bowels of the city.

Lyric wakes up 50 years later, still clutching her violin and bow. She uses her violin to bust out of the cocoon, and finds herself in complete darkness. Soon, she is chased by hideous monsters. She flees, finds some stairs, and is saved by a kind stranger.

She awakes to a whole new world. The world of The Heights, where it’s safe from the monsters. Because, apparently the monsters are like vampires or something. They burn in sunlight, so they stay in the bowels of the city.

Lyric is introduced to The Council, where they discuss her future. She’s told that she is an ‘Unknown’, which to me was quite a mysterious thing. What does it mean? Does she have like super-powers, or something? No, it just means that she doesn’t have a job. Seriously? That’s so fucking retarded. I expected so much more from the ‘Unknown’ idea, but I guess the author didn’t have time to come up with something cool. Damn.

She’s put through a test, where they try to find out what she’s good for. What can she do? Can she be a Healer? Fuck no. A map-maker? No fucking way. She’s fucking useless. She fails all the tests, and is doomed to exile, unless she can make herself useful.

So, out of boredom, she busts out her violin, and plays some music. And somehow, everyone is amazed. They’ve never heard music before. Seriously? Okay, it’s 50 years in the future. So, it’s what, 2065? How the fuck none of these people have heard music before, I don’t understand. I mean, nobody sings in the shower? Come on…

It’s explained, sort of. The creator of this world had a flaw in his design. Music fucks everything up. So, he bans it. That still doesn’t explain why someone wouldn’t sing in the shower. It doesn’t explain the complete lack of knowledge that music ever existed. I mean, murder is against the law, but it happens every day anyway. There’s just no way you can completely remove music from a society.

Parts of this book needed more detail. The so-called testing, for instance. It’s like she entered the testing area, talked to some testing bitch, and it’s over. Next chapter. What the bloody fuck? How about some actual tests, goddamnit? I wanna know how she fails so miserably at everything.

But I guess that’s what makes this book so good. Because I kept wanting more. And it was fucking hilarious. I literally laughed out loud several times. And cried. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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2 of 5 Space-Dildo Stars – 2147 by SDZ Whitaker.

Can you imagine the Earth with 15 billion motherfuckers on it? I can’t. That’s too many goddamn people. Just imagine all those fuckers arguing all the time. It would be hell on Earth. There’s no way our population would get that much out of control. At some point, Al Gore, or some other green nutjob would have dropped a bomb and wiped out at least 1/4 of that population. Just sayin’.

This book is about one such population problem. The solution, of course, is to find some way to populate some other planets. To spread our herpes to the rest of the galaxy, and hope for the best. So some scientist guy designs a faster than light drive, and our world is about to be saved…

But then the aliens came. They came all over the place. On their TV screens. On the walls. On the cat. Because, apparently, unbeknownst to us, the Earth is really one big reality TV show. You know, like that one South Park episode.

Oh, and aliens have been living on the Earth for hundreds of years, just waiting for the right time to strike. Jacking off constantly to their live-streaming Earth porn. But hey man, you can only jack off so many times, before you have to venture outside and wreak some havoc.

And then comes the politics. Fuck politics, man. I fucking hate politics. It ruins so many stories, it just pisses me off so much. Seriously. I mean, wouldn’t The Hunger Games be about 9 billion times better without all the goddamn political horseshit? Damn right, it would.

Like 90% of this goddamn book is politics. The Earth’s government having meetings about what the fuck to do with these perverted aliens. The alien government having meetings to discuss their overwhelming shortage of lube. You know, the important issues of their time.

Then the book turns into Independence Day. Because the light-speed scientist can’t figure out how to build a good enough space ship that won’t just rip apart as soon as it hits light speed. But hey, he’s seen some movies, man. He knows what’s up.

So he steals one of the alien spaceships, and gets his hacker girlfriend to design a dildo-looking transmitter on the outside of their new-found ship, so they can hack into the alien mothership, just in case they got lost. Seriously. They hack into the mothership, not to save the world and all that happy horseshit, but to get maps. MAPS!?

Yeah, apparently they were like really really lost, and there was no fucking way the scientist dude was going to stop by a gas station and ask for directions. No, couldn’t do that. For one, there weren’t any gas stations floating out in space, and for another, his girlfriend would totally think he was a pussy if he stopped and asked some local hillbilly for directions. So, fuck that. Just hack the mothership. That makes sense.

With their sexy new maps, the scientist dude and his girlfriend slip through a wormhole in space, and are stopped by another alien spaceship on the other side of the wormhole. The humans almost inadvertently started an all-out galactic war, until one of the aliens recognized them.

Then the humans start their new careers as intergalactic porn stars. Because that’s the only way I can make this book sound interesting. Seriously, it’s not interesting at all. It’s boring as fuck, in fact. Too much politics, and not enough porn.

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4 of 5 Crazy-Cyborg Stars – Exit Ruinland by C.J. Anderson.

This book contains all 4 books in the Ruinland series. All 4? Seriously? Fucking awesome! I mean, I’ve read the whole series, and fucking loved it. The author’s grasp of A.I., and Sci-Fi in general is quite impressive. Her robots are like HAL 9000 on crack. Mmmm, crack.

The first story in this book is fascinating. There’s an underground bunker with 70 people, who are all trying to survive the nuclear apocalypse. A central A.I. named Sophia controls the bunker, and she’s an evil little cunt. The A.I. even has its own henchman, a synthetic humanoid named Chiron, who carries out Sophia’s commands.

Apparently, Sophia is on the rag or something, because she/it has gone completely bat-shit insane. She thinks it’s her job to purify the human race, to ensure the perfect evolution of humanity. So, she goes through the blood samples of her 70 inhabitants and find 20 or so that do not meet her perfect standard.

Of course, the only way to purify the group of humans, is to kill off the ones that don’t meet the qualifications. So, she has her henchman go around and lop off people’s heads all willy-nilly. In fact, Chiron gets a sick thrill out of killing humans.

The second installment in the series is about our hero Lauren Vasquez, freshly escaped from a survival bunker, where the A.I had gone mad. It started to kill everyone it thought was defective. Vasquez escaped, with her ‘defective’ unborn child.

Now, in her new bunker, she tells her superiors about the crazed A.I., back at her old base. The A.I. at this new bunker decides that the murderous A.I. at the other bunker needs to be dealt with, so it sends a military squad off to battle hot crazy metal.

I found this author’s grasp of A.I. completely fascinating. How the synthetics use logic to come to a conclusion, and how a machine can actually enjoy killing humans. It was a very engaging read, and I would recommend it to anyone who’s a fan of sci-fi.

The third story in this series confused the shit out of me. I mean, I understood the story, I just didn’t understand any of the WHY. Why’d she write this story about Chiron? Why didn’t she continue the story where the 2nd one left off? I mean, the 2nd story left off at kind of a cliffhanger. I assumed that Chiron was dead, and I was glad for it! How and why is the little girl still alive enough to actually find Chiron? I mean she nearly dies several times, even with him trying his best to keep her safe. How the hell did she last long enough on her own to end up finding him in the first place? And if she’s wearing an air tight bio-suit, how did she end up almost drowning?

For such a short story, there’s a lot of unanswered questions.

And don’t even get me started on the whole Christian angle. The first two stories seemed to be very much against religion, taking every opportunity to show the reader how religion is destroying the world. This is a viewpoint that I happen to very much agree with. But then, in this story, she takes the opposite approach. Going on about how God is so wonderful, how he made us, and how we should be happy to die and go up to heaven, and all that happy happy, joy joy goo.

The fourth story of Ruinland is about the heroic Lauren Vasquez. But it’s hard to call her a hero, because she pretty much kills everyone that she comes in contact with. Hey, how are you doin’? BAM! Shot to the face. Oh, you’re bleeding. Would you like some help? BAM! Headshot. She’s a cold
hearted bitch.

Vasquez escapes the bunker and runs off to find an airship so she can get the hell out of dodge. Apparently there’s a safe haven somewhere in Canada, and she’s damn determined to get there. So she kills everyone she meets, until she gets to the docking bay. Then, the real killing begins.

I know, I know… This review is very uncharacteristic of me. Most books really piss me off, because they’re just so bad. But when I find a book, or book series that really is awesome, I just have to gush about it. Like I’m a giddy-ass school girl.

I really did enjoy this Ruinland series. It impressed me so much. The characters were vibrant, and real. The story was fast-paced and gripping. I can’t rant about this book enough, it’s just that good.

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5 of 5 Laugh-Out-Loud Stars – The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.

Usually, I don’t remember books very well. I have to review books right after I read them, or I wouldn’t be able to tell you a damn thing about them. This book, however… I have the entire thing pretty much memorized. So much so, that I can’t read the book anymore. I know every goddamn sentence by heart.

Here, let me quote from memory some Vogon poetry:

Oh freckled grunt buggley
Thy mytriations are to me
Like furgled brathey-flap
of warthog’s be

Groop! I emplore thee!
With crinkly bingle worms
And froopishly thrangle thee
With arm-pit germs

For otherwise, I will rend thee
With my burgle-crunchy
See if I don’t!

I’m sure that is only slightly similar to the original, but you get the idea. I cannot get this shit out of my head! It’s there to stay, I tells ya.

It’s not because I have read the book so many times, even though, yes, I have read it more than 20 times, I’m sure. It’s because I once had a driving paper route, back in the early 90’s, and I played the audio version of this book in my car every morning, for like an entire year. Every morning I would hear the complete book, while delivering papers in my car. That’s like 300 goddamn times, or more, that this book was pounded into my head. So yes, every fucking word of it has been permanently burned into my brain.

I say that like it’s a bad thing. It’s not. I fucking loved it. I would read the book aloud, along with the tape, giggling like a goddamn school girl the entire time.

I distinctly remember one evening, when my wife woke me up, and asked “What the fuck is a ‘burgle-crunchy’?” Apparently, I was reciting the goddamn book in my sleep, and kept tossing and turning, screaming, “No! Not the burgle-crunchy! Anything but the burgle-crunchy!”

The book is about Arthur Dent, a rather lazy fellow, who spends the entirety of this book in his bathrobe and slippers. He is whisked away, into the cosmos by his best friend Ford Prefect (who gave himself the perfect Earth name. Because he thought the vehicle, the Ford Prefect, was the most dominant life-form on the planet.) who just happens to be an inter-galactic hitchhiker who writes for the famed guide book The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Once Arthur and his friend begin their journey through the cosmos, hilarity ensues. Well, to be fair, hilarity ensued from the very first page, but it really gets going once they’re hitching rides through space.

And space… Whoa, Nelly. Let me tell you about space. It’s big. Really big… So big, that… Again, pulling lines out of my head from this goddamn book.

Why is Arthur Dent so important to this story? Well, because his brain was part of a computer program to determine the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything. Okay, that’s not entirely true. The program was actually trying to find the ultimate Question of Life, the universe and everything. Because, the pan-dimensional mice already knew the answer to life, the universe and everything. It’s “42”, of course. Duh.

Does any of this make sense? I didn’t think so. That’s what makes it so bloody awesome. That, and Zaphod Beeblebrox. Because, “He’s just zis guy, you know?”

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4 of 5 Highly-Skilled-Whore Stars – The Future of Sex by Lexi Maxxwell.

I expected this book to be pure porn, but it’s not. There’s graphic sex scenes in it, of course, but it’s not just porn. Most of the book is a technological marvel of the future. Newfangled sex toys, with nanobots. Virtual Reality sex. And an exclusive sex club that hires only the best and brightest whores.

The story is about Chloe Shaw, an inexperienced sex worker who is applying to the prestigious O club. They only allowed her to apply because her mother had been an excellent sex worker for them. So they only expected to see her and then excuse her, because of her inexperience.

But Chloe surprised them. Because, it turns out that she’s the Sherlock Holmes of sex workers. Somehow, she knows her partner’s deepest, darkest secrets. She knows how to give them the pleasure they’ve always wanted, but were afraid to ask for.

The O executives were impressed by her first performance, so they set up her next session with the biggest asshole client they had. He was a wealthy man, who always abused the sex workers. But, with Chloe, he was putty in her hands. She insulted him, called him names, and somehow knew about his childhood crush who laughed in his face when he professed his love.

So, Chloe laughed at him. Told him how stupid and ugly he was. Then, ordered him to eat out her pussy with his stupid, ugly face. He obliged, then she ordered him to fuck her silly. Because she NEEDED his stupid, ugly cock. She played the role perfectly, and the man came faster and harder than ever before.

I liked this book, because it was a well written story, that was actually interesting to read. The tech was amazing, and well described. And the characters were vibrant and real. I really couldn’t find any fault in this book. I actually enjoyed it.

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3 of 5 Perfectly-Normal Stars – So Long, and Thanks for All the Fish by Douglas Adams.

To me, this book marks the descent into normalcy for Douglas Adams. It’s a pity, really. Because the other Hitchhiker books are beyond crazy. They’re bat-shit insane, in the best possible way.

This book isn’t really about the crazy antics of Ford and Arthur. It’s about Arthur falling in love with Fenchurch. Who names their kid Fenchurch? Honestly. It’s fucking weird.

So, Arthur gets dropped off on Earth. He hitchhikes, and gets picked up by Fenchurch, and her brother. After he’s dropped off, Arthur gets completely obsessed with Fenchurch, for some fucked up reason.

He keeps finding connections to her. Or inventing connections to her. Whatever. It just continues his obsession with her, until he finally finds her, and they fuck. Oh, I’m sorry. They ‘make love’ while flying over London.

Because, the secret to flying is to aim at the ground and miss. It helps to have a distraction, just as you’re about to smash into the pavement. So, Arthur teaches Fenchurch his little trick, and they fly around town all happy and shit.

Just kill me, man. Just shoot me in the fucking head. I can’t stand it when characters are happy. It’s fucking infuriating. Where’s the goddamn conflict, man? Come on. I mean, this is a world with aliens. The triple-breasted whore of Eroticon-6. Zaphod, for fuck’s sake.

It’s an amazing world, that Adams has created, and he just fucking wasted it on this book. It fucking pisses me off so much.

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2 of 5 Die-Tris-Die Stars – Insurgent by Veronica Roth.

I don’t know why I kept reading this stupid fucking series. I mean, it’s just so goddamn immature. And I should know. I’m like a 12 year old stuck in a 45 year old body. But, this stupid skank Tris is just such a whiney bitch. I can’t stand her, and she’s the motherfucking narrator.

So, why the hell am I still reading this shit? I’ll tell you why. Because somewhere, deep in the muck, after you get past all the teenage angst, and cry-baby antics, there’s an interesting story in there. Sure, it’s near impossible to find. It’s buried under piles and piles of horseshit. But, if you’ve got the patience, you may just find it.

This book starts out, pretty much right after the first book left off. Tris and Four are on the run, looking for a safe haven. The peaceful Amish faction (yes, I forgot the faction name, okay? Fuck off. Reading’s hard), who do most of the farming, because that’s what peaceful Amish fucks do… That faction welcomes in all the fleeing factionless assholes.

Then the fun begins. Fingers are pointed. Blame is thrown. Tris is found to be a motherfucking murderer. Oh noes. Lock that bitch up! How dare she actually defend herself against someone who was going to shoot her.

Then, Four is found to maybe be a traitor, or something. Because his daddy beat him. Or his mommy didn’t pay enough attention to him. And that’s just so sad… Oh, who the fuck cares? I mean, really. Get on with it, goddamnit.

So there’s the fight scene. Guess who wins? Yup. Four and Tris take off on a train out past the walls, to live another day in exile. Whooptie-freaking-doo.

Now watch, I’ll just dive right into the next goddamn book. Because apparently, I love torturing myself with teenage angst. Somebody please just shoot me.

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2 of 5 Not-Enough-Ass-Fucking Stars – An Unproven Concept by James Young.

This is just bad Star Trek fanfic. Seriously. The producers of Star Trek should totally sue this guy. Here’s why: this book contains a ship named Enterprise, an officer named Sulu (oh my!), and even warp speed. There’s more similarities than that, but that’s enough, goddammit.

The whole story is just derivative as fuck. The battle scenes seem like they’re just ripped from some submarine battle, like The Hunt for Red October. Down bubble this. Firing solution that. It seems so familiar.

And then, there’s the cruise spaceship named Titanic. Why the fuck anyone would build any kind of ship with that name, I will never understand. It’s always going to end in disaster. But it is slightly harder to hit an iceberg, when you’re in space.

But there’s pirates! Arrrrg! So, the pirates attack the Titanic, and all hell breaks loose. Well, that is to say, the story turns into that Poseidon movie, where one highly skilled guy helps some rich guy escape the ruin that is their ship. So again, derivative as fuck.

Did I mention that there’s also a ship named Calvin & Hobbes? Yeah. Seriously. I don’t get it. I have to assume that this book is set in a future several hundred years ahead of our own, so why is there so many references to our current popular culture? It wouldn’t surprise me, if they were watching episodes of Friends on their cruise ship TV. It’s that fucking retarded.

I said that this book is bad Star Trek fanfic, because there’s hardly any sex scenes in this book. If it was real fanfic, it would be mostly sex scenes, where Q is fucking Picard violently in the ass, as Picard begs for more. So, if you’re going to write Star Trek fanfic, that’s fine. But do it right, goddamnit. At least have the decency to give us some violent ass fucking. Is that too much to ask? I think not.

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