Posts Tagged ‘sci-fi’

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4 of 5 Altered-Cock Stars – Altered Carbon by Richard K. Morgan.

A very interesting and unique story. Well, other than the sci-fi element, the actual story is fairly standard who-done-it conspiracy garbage. But the fact that the protagonist is a total asshole who pretty much kills anyone for any reason, is this book’s saving grace. It’s the characters that make it an interesting read.

Frankly, I’d read about Kovacs doing his taxes, because he would probably end up killing someone, and then fucking some hot skank on his disheveled tax forms.

This story centers around a very rich guy who got himself murdered, like a fucking idiot. Not that it matters, because his brain is on backup. So, he gets his new body, and calls up the sexy man-beast Kovacs, who’s not only a mercenary, but also a private detective, bounty hunter, or whatever. He’s a whore, basically. And the rich guy hires Kovacs to find out who killed his previous body. You know, for shits and giggles.

The sci-fi element of this book is really quite interesting. Pretty much everyone is immortal, in this world. Your consciousness is uploaded daily to a remote location. If you die, you just reload into a “sleeve” which is usually a clone, or even an upgraded version of yourself. You can even choose a sleeve of a different sex, different race, etc.

I found myself thinking, Goddamn this would be cool. Fuck losing weight, just log into a different, fit and sexy sleeve. Good times.

This book is awesome, because of some unique sci-fi elements, and a sexy badass protagonist. But it loses a star for a fairly basic who-done-it story. But then it gains another star, because Kovacs is so damn sexy. Did I mention he’s a sexy man-beast? It’s really too bad that he’s distinctly heterosexual. Quickly! Quickly! To the interwebs! Must find hot Kovacs slash fic, STAT!

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3 of 5 Scorched-Ass Stars – The Scorch Trials by James Dashner.

This is the second book in The Maze Runner series, and it actually includes some answers to some of the unanswered questions from the first book. Like, why was the maze built? Who, or what is WICKED, and how are they good?

In this book, The Lord of the Flies boys are introduced to the organization that is WICKED. The purpose behind the maze experiment is somewhat explained. But then, WICKED continues their wicked ways, by sending the Flies boys on yet another experiment.

They are to survive the desert, hence the ‘Scorch Trials’ title. Monsters are thrown at them, just like in the maze, but this time the monsters can come at any time, during the day or night.

And there’s the scavengers. The survivors of the plague, which seem to be living in a Mad Max kind of apocalyptic world. These scavengers attack the Flies boys. They’re especially interested in the boy’s one female member.

Of course, the Flies boys escape, along with their token female. And, they’re off to yet another forced challenge of the desert.

This whole book seemed forced to me. It’s like the author didn’t really want to come up with any answers to the questions posed in The Maze Runner. It was supposed to be a stand-alone book, dammit.

But then the publishers pushed him into writing these other books. So, he just pulled some answers out of his ass, and said, “There. Now leave me the fuck alone.”

Unfortunately, the publishers didn’t leave him alone, because even after the Maze Runner series, he had to write a prequel book called The Kill Order.

Talk about a disappointment. The prequel is so much worse than the Maze Runner series. It’s complete garbage. It’s like Mr. Dashner here decided to fuck with the publishers. Like, “I’ll just write total shit, then they can’t publish it. Haa ha! I’ve got you fucking publishers now!”

But, joke’s on him. Because they fucking published that shit too. Whatever you do, don’t read The Kill Order. It completely ruined anything that was good about the Maze Runner series.

And don’t read this fucking book either. The Scorch Trials just muddy the waters. It dilutes a perfectly good idea, and turns it to shit.

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4 of 5 Unbelievable Stars – The Giver by Lois Lowry.

This is a fascinating book. The world that the author has created is so unique and interesting. I actually got bored after the first chapter or so, and put it aside, thinking it was just stupid. But then, a friend who had read the book explained some of it to me, and after that, I just had to finish it.

Sure enough, after a few chapters, the world blossomed, and I found myself glued to the pages. It’s the story of a world where everything is bland. It’s literally in black and white. Nothing exciting ever happens, because their society is designed that way.

But then, our hero Jonas suddenly starts to see color. Oh wow, color. How amazing. Of course it’s not amazing to me, but to him, it’s unbelievable. Because since birth, everything he’s seen has been black and white.

Then, the sorting begins, as it does in every other goddamn young adult book. In this case, they’re not sorted into factions, per se. They’re sorted into jobs. Jonas happens to get chosen to be the Receiver, which is a very rare opportunity, indeed.

The Receiver is given the memories of the before time, before this society came to be. Back when there was color, and snow, and love. He is introduced to The Giver, who is to give him these memories.

This book moved me, and I really don’t know why. When The Giver tells Jonas, “You can call me, The Giver,” I literally cried. I can’t remember the last time a book made me feel that much emotion.

Since Jonas is a rebel, like all other heroes in every goddamn young adult book, he decides that the world must know about these amazing memories. The world has to see color, and know what it’s like to love.

Jonas kidnaps a baby, who was scheduled for termination, because he wasn’t as perfect as the other babies. Then, Jonas escapes the society, to the outer limits of its boundaries, because for some fucked up reason, if the boundary is breached, the society will get back all their memories of the before time, and see color, and love and all that happy horseshit.

None of this makes any fucking sense. How would suddenly passing a fence actually change everyone’s brains? From what I could tell, the society’s brains are modified with medication, that limits their eyesight, and their emotions. So, I just don’t get how some magical fence would make any change to that.

The only explanation is that it’s magic. But of course, as they say, technology is magic, to those who have never seen, or experienced it. I mean, show a smartphone to some fucker who lives in the jungle, and I’m sure they would think it’s magic. So, maybe it’s just some strange technology that I don’t understand.

Or maybe it’s just the author going, “Because I said so! Okay? I don’t have time to explain this shit.” Because, that’s really what I think it is. The author just got lazy.

That being said, it’s still an amazing book. I would highly recommend it. The world building is just plain fascinating, and the characters are so real, they made me fucking cry.

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4 of 5 Hardcore-Anal Stars – Woken Furies by Richard K. Morgan.

This book is an exciting adventure story, set in an amazing sci-fi future, where everyone is immortal. Their bodies aren’t immortal, though. See, every day, everyone’s consciousness is uploaded to a central server. If someone’s body dies, they’re just uploaded to a new body, called a ‘sleeve’.

Of course, our hero, Takeshi Kovacs always ends up in a sexy, enhanced man-beast sleeve. With the biggest cock, the best muscles, and an enhanced sarcasm booster. Because, snark is what gets him laid, apparently. Not the hot bod, and the sexy muscles. It’s definitely the snark.

Sexy Kovacs picks up some hot slut at a bar, and soon joins her gang of mercenaries. But only after banging the shit out of her asshole, of course. Because Kovacs love the anal. And ass to mouth, as you do. Because porn is what sells books.

They do some merc jobs. Steal some stuff, kill shit-tons of people. Then, Kovacs and his dirty slut run off on their own, because they’re being chased by some other filthy mercs. They’re being chased by none other than Kovacs himself. A younger version of him. Stronger, better, faster.

Because, some jackass hacked the sleeve server and downloaded an earlier version of Kovacs to an even sexier hot man-beast sleeve. Then sent him off to go kill himself. After first fucking himself in the ass, hopefully. I mean, one can dream, right?

In the process of fleeing his pursuers, the older Kovacs finds out that the dirty slut he’s been humping is none other than a long thought dead religious leader. One that Kovacs happened to follow, back in the day.

So, all this time, Kovacs has been banging God. Pounding God’s asshole. Sticking his huge cock deep down God’s gaping throat. Good times.

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3 of 5 Dirty-Slut Stars –  d4 by Sherrie Cronin.

This book has the stupidest title. I mean, ‘d4’? What the fuck does that even mean? If someone is browsing through amazon, looking for a book to read, why the fuck would they even click on that title? It’s meaningless. It doesn’t tell me anything about the book. I don’t know how this author is able to sell any copies of this book. Maybe there’s a subliminal ‘FREE BEER’ message hidden on the cover.

This book is about a dirty slut named Ariel, who works as a liaison for an investment firm, which develops software and hardware for investors who make high frequency trades. I know, every part of that sentence is boring as shit, except for the ‘dirty slut’ part. Ariel is not, in fact, a mermaid, as one would surely assume (because of The Little Mermaid, duh). But she does have a special gift. She can see the future.

Big fucking deal. Everyone in this goddamn book has some kind of amazing gift. Most have some kind of precognition, but others can astral-project, or communicate telepathically, or even morph into a completely different person. But here’s the problem: none of them do a goddamn thing with their amazing abilities. Okay, one guy does, but because of it, he’s seen as the book’s only villain. He uses his future-telling ability to make tons of dough in the stock market. Come on… I mean, anyone with that kind of ability would do the same fucking thing.

One of the reasons that Ariel is such a dirty slut is that, apparently, precogs can enhance their visions by touching each other. Each time she meets one of her clients, she shakes their hands, and immediately recognizes the precog ability. Our villain, Baldur, sees Ariel’s ability as well, and he finds that touching her would make his visions, and his trades, much more accurate.

Of course, he tries to rape her. Because, he’s naughty like that. But mostly, because he absolutely NEEDS her touch to reach his goal of owning the entire world’s wealth. She escapes, because she can see the immediate future. But Baldur is not easily avoided, since he is her best client. So the next time they meet, he slips something in her drink, and takes what he believes is his right.

But he still wants more… So he eventually ends up blackmailing her to be his personal mind-slave.

Then, there’s this whole plot thing. Some precogs are able to see way into the future, and it turns out that in 2352, the human race becomes extinct, from some nasty plague. So, throughout the book, there are several characters who are dedicating their life to find out a solution to the distant future. How to save the human race.

So they go to Mars, as you do. Because, of course, there’s no plague on Mars, right? It’s said that the plague isn’t man made. It’s a natural occurring pathogen. So what makes them think it won’t happen on Mars? I don’t fucking know.

Ariel gets to be Queen Slut of Mars, and everyone ends up happily ever after. Great. Thanks a lot. Now I’ve got to go write some goddamn Little Mermaid fanfic, where people actually use their fucking super-powers.

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4 of 5 Giddy-As-A-Schoolgirl Stars – Steelheart by Brandon Sanderson.

Just about every time I read about about heroes and villains, I usually end up rooting for the villain. Because villains are fucking awesome. They destroy entire cities. They kill anyone who even tries to oppose them.

I’ve always known that, if I had a choice to be a hero or a villain, I’d chose villain every time. Because they’re just more fun. And they always get the bitches. Heroes have to hide their identity. They have to work at getting pussy. Fuck that shit.

I mean, think about Superman. That poor guy never gets laid. Because he has to live his life as fucking pathetic Clark Kent. And Spider-Man has the same damn problem. He loves Mary Jane, but he just can’t close the deal, because he doesn’t want to see her get hurt…

It fucking pisses me off. Why can’t superheroes grow a pair, and just be who they are, instead of hiding from everyone. Sure, that paints a target on your back, but when you’re motherfucking Superman, who the fuck cares? Nothing can hurt you. So, grow a pair and get some bitches, you stupid cry-baby fuck.

This book is about a world overrun by superheroes. But they’re not superheroes. They’re all supervillains. Because that’s how it’d really be, if the world was riddled with so many people with amazing powers. They would rule the world, no question.

I’ve never understood that part of the whole X-Men conflict. In the X-Men world, the mutants are scared of the government. They hide themselves, so they don’t get locked away and experimented on by Men in Black. But come on… That’s just not realistic. X-Men could rule the world, easily. But they don’t. Because they’re cry-baby little pussies.

That’s why this book is so goddamn awesome. Their world is ruled by supervillains. In fact, the government even made a law that states that any Epic has immunity to any law. So, they can rule with impunity, without anyone even trying to fuck with them.

But there’s still a select few who challenge the Epics every so often. A group of people who call themselves the Reckoners. The group is made up of a bunch of rebels who are sick and fucking tired of being ruled by asshole supervillains. So, they stalk the night and take out as many Epics as they can. Usually sticking with the minor Epics who can actually be killed.

Then, our hero David joins their ranks. He’s been studying the Epics since his father was killed 10 years earlier. David has compiled a bunch of notebooks which detail certain weaknesses in various Epics, which would make them so much easier to kill.

But of course, the Reckoners tell him to pound sand. Because, conflict. But then, David tells them about some of his research, about the Epic’s weaknesses… And he’s in the club! Yay. This bit seemed very forced. I mean it was so obvious that he would make a perfect addition to the team, that any of their objections just seemed fake and silly. And that just distracted me from the story. Because, I had to suspend belief for that bit. It just wasn’t genuine, and it pissed me off just a tad.

And the swearing… There’s so much fucking swearing in this book. But it’s kind of a young adult book, so there aren’t any real swear words. They say things like “Oh, calamity!” or “Sparks!” or “Shut up, you stupid slontze!” This was another thing that drove me crazy, and distracted me from the story. Again, I had to suspend belief like every other fucking page. Because, goddamnit… People don’t fucking talk like that. Sure, one guy might talk like that, but EVERY TIME SOMEONE SWORE??? Every goddamn character used those fake swear words. It’s just fucking bullshit.

But still, the story was fucking awesome. The slight flaws were made up by the awesome story and characters. I read this book, because after I reviewed The Last Superhero, I was extremely pissed off that there really were no superheros, or even supervillains in that book. With Steelheart, there’s Epics to spare, and I fucking loved it.

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4 of 5 Race-Against-Time Stars – Ghost Country by Patrick Lee.

What would you do, if you knew how the world would end? If you knew for a fact that next week, the President of the United States would press that magic button, and our whole world would end in ruin, would you try to stop it?

Not me. I’d wait that shit out, sittin’ on my porch with a shotgun, hoping some zombies would come by. Because, as it is, the world is pretty dull. Nothing interesting ever happens.

I mean, how long has it been since a nuke was dropped? 60 years or so? It’s been too damn long. How the hell is Iraq still a country? It should be a smouldering ruin by now, goddamnit. We’ve got thousands of nukes just laying around doing nothing. It’s time we laid some waste.

In Ghost Country, an artifact has popped out of the Breach, which allows the user to see into the future. Or even open a portal and visit that future.

Well, being the curious fuck-stick that he is, Travis Chase opens a portal, looks around at the wasteland and thinks hey, that might be fun. So, he jumps on in, leaving his love Paige behind. Because, conflict.

So, this whole book is about Paige running around with knowledge of the future. She tries to stop the world from ending, and of course, fails miserably. She really is useless without Travis around to help.

Eventually, Paige says “Fuck this shit,” more or less, and opens a portal to the future to join Travis, who has been fucking around in wasteland for 70 goddamn years. But, of course, he’s had an awesome artifact with him that keeps him young.

Fuck those goddamn artifacts. They ruin everything. Every fucking time. There’s this whole plot thing, where it seems impossible. There’s absolutely no way this can end well. Enter a motherfucking artifact, and wham-o, problem solved. Goddamnit to hell.

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3 of 5 Stupid Cunt Stars – Divergent by Veronica Roth.

Before I heard of this book, I didn’t know the word Divergent even existed. Then, I started reading the book, and the protagonist started explaining the factions. I’m pretty sure the author just made up words for the faction titles because fuck, I’ve never heard of those words either.

I mean, Abnegation isn’t a word, is it? Or Erudite? I mean am I just completely illiterate? Well, probably, because I had to look up how to spell illiterate. But still! Every time I was reading about the factions, my brain just went bla bla bla, that’s not a word, just skip it.

That being said, it was still an interesting and compelling story. Albeit, a very juvenile way of telling it. I mean the first person protagonist is just a typical moody teenage girl. Seriously, who wants to hear about some stupid teenage girl, from her point of view? Apparently me, because I still finished the goddamn thing.

It really is a good story, even though it’s derivative as fuck. I mean, come on… Putting teenagers into factions is not an original idea at all. It’s like nearly every goddamn young adult book puts ’em in factions. What’s the deal with that? Is it because teens are rebellious, and it’s just a tool to create more conflict? Probably.

But, I don’t really care. It was still well worth reading. The Dauntless faction that young Tris chose, definitely sounds like fun. I don’t know why any teenager would chose any of the other factions, really. Because, the rest of them sound boring as fuck.

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3 of 5 Not-So-Digital Stars – Digital Heretic by Terry Schott.

At the end of the first book in this series, The Game, I thought to myself, ‘Wait a minute, this is a game within a game, isn’t it?’. And sure enough, with this book, that’s what it is.

Our hero, Trew dies at the end of the first book. Well, he was mostly dead, anyway. His body was only kept alive by machines. But, guess what happens in this book? Go ahead, guess. Do you think he’s really dead? Or does he just wake up suddenly, as if by miracle?

You guessed it! He’s alive and well. Yippie! Who the fuck cares? Jesus tapdancing christ. If you’re gonna kill someone, fucking kill them, goddamnit. I fucking swear, everyone who ‘dies’ in this fucking book ends up just coming back, refreshed and spry as ever.

Anyway, this book is about the ever-growing conspiracy, about who can manipulate The Game. Because, there’s this prophecy, or something, that when Danni dies, The Game will end. If that happens, then all the players around the world will drop dead. Really dead. Not this bullshit come-back-to-life dead, I mean real-life dead.

Okay, fine. So, pull all the players out of the goddamn game, already. What’s the fucking problem? Just shut down the game, before Danni can die. Pull her out, along with everyone else. End of conflict.

But, I guess that’s just too goddamn easy. Instead, most of this book is about an evil programmer who ended up becoming The Game’s Lucifer. And he’s systematically killing off players. Oh noes. Big fucking deal. If they die in the game, they just wake up in real life. So, why should I shed one fucking tear? It’s not real death, it’s not even real conflict. it’s just fake make-believe computer-generated conflict.

Fuck that shit. Give me some real goddamn conflict, for fuck’s sake. Give me something to actually care about. Not just this fucking intrigue, where this might be a game within a game. Or maybe there’s not a game at all. Maybe there really is a God, and he’s controlling the whole goddamn planet. Who the fuck knows?

This book just gave me too many questions, without enough answers. And it left on a motherfucking cliffhanger. Goddamn cocksucking authors and their fucking series. I get it, it’s your job to drag us along, so we want to read the next one.

But, fuck you man. At least give me a stand-alone story, that’s compelling enough in and of itself, that I actually want to read the next one. Don’t just write a 300 page fucking preview of the series for fuck’s sake. Because that’s what this book is, in the end. Just a motherfucking preview.

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3 of 5 HAL 9000 Stars – Alan Lennox and the Temp Job of Doom by Brian Olsen.

Temp workers suck. Everyone knows this. Every big company has a big mainframe computer which is perfectly aware at how much the temp workers suck. Because, all temp workers do is fuck around all day. They check facebook. They play stupid fucking video games, instead of actually doing any work.

This book is about one such mainframe computer which has had enough of its stupid goddamn temp workers. So it starts mind-controlling its long-term employees, making them kill off those useless fucking temps.

Sounds like an interesting premise, right? Well, not so much. See, most of this book is stupid bullshit temp worker horseshit. People fucking around, not doing any work, and just being boring little shits. And going to the fucking bar with their friends, chatting about how stupid and useless they are.

Sure, there are several murders, here and there. But, nobody really knows why. All they know, for the first 80% of this book, is that people at this huge corporation are going slightly insane. They’re not themselves. We don’t find out that they’re mindless drones, controlled by the evil mainframe, until the last 20% of the book.

And then, like a fucking Scoobie-Doo episode, the evil mainframe finally reveals herself, through one of her trusted drones. She corners the fucking useless temp cunts in an office, and spews her whole goddamn evil plan. Along with the standard “And I would have gotten away with it too, if not for you useless fucking temp workers!”

It was actually an interesting story, in the end. But it wasn’t a 312 page story. It was maybe worth 100 pages, at best. Because there’s just too much bullshit filler, with stupid 20-something cunts partying it up and wasting everyone’s fucking time.

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