Posts Tagged ‘thriller’

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3 of 5 Dead Pigeon Stars – Tito’s Dead by Dermott Hayes.

I feel like I’ve read this book before. Maybe it’s because it reads like a fucking Guy Ritchie film. But with less humor. Well, no humor, in fact. It’s very dry, as Brits are wont to be. That doesn’t make it bad, per se. I mean, take the humor out of Snatch, and it would still be a kick-ass movie.

This book is the story of Tito, or at least, I wish it was the story of Tito. Because, Tito had quite the rich, and interesting life. Tito worked for the mob. How can you not, with a name like ‘Tito’, right? He dealt with whores, and drug dealers, and ruthless smugglers.

Unfortunately, most of this story happens after Tito’s death. But, at least his death was not in vain. See, Tito knew that he was in trouble. He knew that, sooner or later, he’d get off’d by the mob. So, in case of his death, he left a package to be delivered to a local newspaper man, which contained his life story, along with a ledger of the mob’s business.

No, this book isn’t about Tito’s rich and interesting life. It’s about mobsters trying to find the package. And crooked cops, murdering anyone who got in their way. And an Arab diplomat, who just happens to be a terrorist. Because, all Arabs are terrorists, right? Sure they are.

The problem with this book is, it’s NOT a Guy Ritchie film. There’s no vibrant characters at all. Every so-called ‘character’, if you can even call them that, is just plain cardboard. Okay, some aren’t cardboard, they’re straight-up stereotypes instead. Even Tito, who was really the most interesting guy in the story, was still just a cardboard cutout of a character. It’s sad, really.

Overall, this book had a decent story, albeit poorly told. I didn’t care for the author’s style, at all. The lack of actual characters to give a shit about really pissed me off. And the fact that the story was predictable as fuck after the first 100 pages or so, didn’t help the case.

And then there’s the fucking pigeons… Don’t get me started on the goddamn pigeons in this book. Tito’s pet pigeon. The mob guy who’s called The Pigeon. The old lighthouse that’s commonly referred to as ‘The Pigeon House’. The postcard that the dead Tito had in his pocket, that was signed by ‘Paddy the Pigeon’. It goes on and on about these motherfucking pigeons.

I don’t fucking care about the pigeons. They don’t have a goddamn thing to do with this story. And yet, the word ‘pigeon’ is literally used in this book over 100 fucking times. Just for that, the next time I see a fucking pigeon, I’m going to shoot it in its stupid fucking face. Because, fuck pigeons.

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3 of 5 Pregnant-Jack Stars – Stirred by JA Konrath & Blake Crouch.

Well, it looks like Luther Kite is up to no good again. And, here’s superhero cop Jack Daniels to save the day once again. Whooptie-freakin-doo. I’ve read this same goddamn story in all of these Konrath and Crouch novels. It’s just the same shit over and over. Bad guy kills some people. Jack tries her best to solve the crime.

Then, the bad guy kills more people. He taunts Jack, so she knows who’s doing the dirty deeds. He wants her hot on his heels. The game is so much more exciting that way.

For the most part, this book is about revenge. Everyone wants revenge against Jack. Because she’s just so good at her job, that she keeps putting bad guys in prison. And bad guys fucking hate prison. So they break out, and go after her. Again, nothing new.

Bad guys being after jack is pretty much standard operating procedure in these books. It’s to be expected. It’s also pretty obvious that the same plot tricks will happen in this book that have happened in all the other books. One bad guy isn’t who he seems. No surprise. The bad guys will get within inches of executing their brilliant plan, only for Jack to save the day. It’s the same shit every time.

So yes, the first 2/3 of this rather hefty 500 page book is boring and predictable. The last 1/3 however, was actually quite fun. Because it turned into a fucking SAW movie. Luther Kite had set up a nifty little scheme, where he hijacked a bus, and took the poor passengers to an abandoned warehouse, where he had all kinds of gore and fun planned.

Just like the SAW movies, he set these poor saps up in horrifying contraptions, where Jack Daniels would have to come and save them. Or, more likely, Jack would just get to see them all die, one by one, in more and more sick and twisted ways.

If it weren’t for that last third of the book, I’d give this book only 2 stars. But that last bit redeemed it, and made it just barely worth reading.

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3 of 5 Frantic Stars – Runner by Patrick Lee.

This reminds me a lot of The Breach, which makes sense, because it’s by the same author. But the situation it starts with is almost the same. Girl bumps into some random guy who just happens to be the perfect guy to help her run/escape/solve the puzzle, etc. At least, in this story, the randomness of the perfect guy for the job is explained in the end.

This story is about a teenage girl who can read minds, who is running from some government spooks who want to use her for evil. So, she bumps into an ex-military special forces type guy, who’s just out for a morning jog. She tells him a brief story of woe, and he helps her evade her captors.

Of course, this special forces guy doesn’t know there’s a whole army of mind-readers out to stop him and his new-found friend.

In the end, this book is a little too much like The Breach. It’s very formulaic. I mean, it has a slightly different setting, but all the pieces of the plot are more or less the same. Some weird, unexplainable phenomena. Some person, along with their love interest side-kick, are trying to save the world from that phenomena. And of course, some evil government organization is hell bent on stopping them.

So it’s not that original. Big fucking deal. Nothing is original anymore. This is still a fun book to read. It’s fast-paced, from the very beginning. There’s plenty of action, and lots of intrigue. If you liked The Breach series, you’re sure to like this book as well.

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5 of 5 Mind-Fuck Stars – The Breach by Patrick Lee.

This book was a very compelling read. I could not put it down. The story is somewhat unique, and the characters were written so well, it just kept me wanting more. The book kept asking impossible questions, but eventually the answers reveal themselves, and my mind was just blown.

This is the story of Travis Chase, just a normal guy out for a hike. Then, all the sudden, a plane crashes nearby, and some special agents from an unknown agency swarm the place. One of the “good” agents finds him, and he agrees to help track down the plane, and its mysterious contents.

This is a crazy sci-fi adventure, with time travel, parallel dimensions, and secret artifacts that can do pretty much anything you can imagine. I finished this book in one sitting because I just couldn’t put it down. The weirdness factor, and the surprise factor were too much to ignore. I mean, I couldn’t predict a goddamn thing in this book, which is a rare and beautiful thing.

I can’t recommend this book enough. It’s just that good. In fact, it’s so good, I can’t even think of anyone to fuck in their dirty asshole. Because, usually books are so bad, someone needs to get fucked dry.

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3 of 5 Miserable-Dick-Wad Stars – A Walk Among the Tombstones by Lawrence Block.

I read that this book was being made into a movie, with Liam Kick-Ass Neeson starring. Oh goodie! This book has got to kick some ass. Plus, wait, oh my god, there’s a whole series of these novels with this guy. This is going to be so awesome!

Then, I read the book. I wouldn’t call it awesome. I’d call it typical. All these type of novels are the same. Private-eye does some shady dealings with drug dealers, and everything goes wrong. Its the same shit as Jack Reacher and a million other novels. Nothing new. Move along.

That being said, it’s still a good book. Plenty of action. People get killed and chopped into little bits. But, even that’s not original. Okay, packaging each little bit, like they’re chunks of salami was a bit unusual. It’s just not impressive, after you’ve read several of these types of books.

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3 of 5 Dream-Induced Stars – Fate of Chiron by C.J. Anderson.

This is a very short story, at just 25 pages. It seems like this author’s stories are getting shorter and shorter. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just being billed as “book 3 of the ruinland series”. Well, it’s not a goddamn book.

Frankly, none of this series qualify as books. If you put all three stories together in one volume, they would barely qualify as a one full novel for fuck’s sake. But I understand why she’s publishing them this way. Number 1, she’ll probably make more money selling it as a series. Number 2, it’s easier to crank out a short story every month or so, then it is to actually write several novels. So, I get it.

All that being said, this story confused the shit out of me. I mean, I understood the story, I just didn’t understand any of the WHY. Why’d she write this story about Chiron? Why didn’t she continue the story where the 2nd one left off? I mean, the 2nd story left us at kind of a cliffhanger. We assumed that Chiron was dead, and we were glad for it! How and why is the little girl still alive enough to actually find Chiron? I mean she nearly dies several times, even with him trying his best to keep her safe. How the hell did she last long enough on her own to end up finding him in the first place? And if she’s wearing an air tight bio-suit, how did she end up almost drowning?

For such a short story, there’s a lot of unanswered questions.

And don’t even get me started on the whole Christian angle. The first two stories seemed to be very much against religion, taking every opportunity to show the reader how religion is destroying the world. This is a viewpoint that I happen to very much agree with. But then, in this story, she takes the opposite approach. Going on about how god is so wonderful, how he made us, and how we should be happy to die and go up to heaven, and all that happy happy, joy joy goo.

If this was a stand alone story, that viewpoint wouldn’t have bothered me at all, but after reading all about how, in this world, Religion is obviously evil. And then, to read this story, telling me about how great god is and all that, I just don’t get the WHY? What’s the point in the opposite view?

Now, I don’t expect to find answers these questions. I’m just frustrated because I love the world this author has created, and I hate to see Ruinland ruined. Not that this story has ruined it at all, but it doesn’t make me want to continue the series. Because, I don’t want to witness the whole idea deteriorating into a wasteland of agnostic horseshit.

Enter Ruinland, the first story in this series, is still FREE for Kindle at Amazon. It’s also a bit longer, at 79 pages, and is my favorite of the series, so far.

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3 of 5 Killer Stars – Locked Doors by Blake Crouch.

The problem with this book, is it’s just the same shit all over again, in different settings. Luther Kite and Orson go around doing their serial killer thing, while Andrew scratches his head and tries to figure it out. Then, Andrew gets captured by one of the killers and oh noes, they’re gonna kill him this time, right? No such luck. It’s the same story in all these books.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s still a pretty good book, if you’re into the whole serial killer thing, which I am. But come on Blakey boy, throw me some curve balls for fuck’s sake. Would it kill you to surprise the reader every once in a while? Because all these fucking books are way too predictable.

There’s really no point to reading ’em, except to fast forward to the killing and torturing. But at least, once you get to those good parts, they’re pretty good. Then, I have to stop masturbating when Andy inevitably escapes. Really pisses me off.

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1 of 5 Unbearable Stars – The Safe by Daniel Barnett.

This book was way too fucking long. The story just didn’t merit the length. This should be a short story, at best. The author just filled this book full of filler. So much goddamn bullshit filler. So much small talk. How ’bout them Lakers? What’d you have for dinner last night? Who the fuck cares?

The story begins in an asylum for the criminally insane. Off to a good start, right? Not so much. I’ve visited these types of places, and I can say from experience that there is never a dull moment in a fucking insane asylum. But with this book, there are always dull moments. The whole fucking book is one long dull moment.

So, this book is total bullshit. There weren’t even any cool gang rape scenes. I mean, come on. That’s a staple of prison life for fuck’s sake. Okay, there were a few times when someone was about to whip out their dick and make some guy suck on it, but then they were like oh, nevermind.

So, this book was frustrating as hell to get through. There were really no plot devices or characters that really made me care enough to make me want to finish this book. But I did finish it, and I can say that in the end, it definitely was not worth the time and drudgery.

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3 of 5 Repetitive-Stars-Repetitive Stars – Inferno by Dan Brown.

It’s really sad that Dan Brown’s books have become so formulaic. Somebody dies, or in this case, wounded. Langdon meets some beautiful, intelligent woman who has all the answers to some conspiracy. They run from the cops/gangsters/secret society goons and she slowly reveals the evil plot to destroy the world. But they must hurry! Quickly, quickly! This clue says to go over there. No, there! Etc etc ad nauseam.

That’s what happens in The DaVinchi Code, that’s what happens in Angels & Demons, and that’s what happens in this book, Inferno. Sure, everything is different in the end. There are always surprises at the end of the book, and this one actually did surprise me. I was about to put the book down, thinking, Okay then, they solved it. Right? Not even. It keeps going for another 100 pages or so.

It’s about some asshole scientist, who decides there’s too many goddamn people in the world. So, he builds a bomb. A virus bomb, that will infect the whole human race with some magic bug that will make everyone infertile. Well, mostly everyone. Like 10% of the population will still be able to produce crotch fruit.

So there’s this whole plot thing, for Langdon to solve, and save the world. Just like in every other goddamn Langdon book. And guess what? He saves the world. Because, of course he does. What else could have possibly happened? I mean, what’s the point in even reading the goddamn book, when I know what’s going to happen in the end?

Not much point, really. But the journey still makes for an interesting read. It was worth reading, I guess. To pass the time, it’s okay. To entertain, not so much. Because it really is just the same book as all the others.

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