Posts Tagged ‘vampires’

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1 of 5 Stupid-Ass-Girly Stars – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. And this is a classic example of a Mary-Sue, where the author puts themselves in the book as some fucking damsel in distress. She gets saved by some hot young hunk, and they get married and have a bunch of fucking babies. Classic Mary-Sue. And I fucking hate it so much.

But I don’t really hate this book because it’s a Mary-Sue. I hate it because it’s fucking stupid. A friend of mine recommended this book to me. Said I just had to read it, because it’s so amazing. I’ve since strangled that bastard and buried him in my backyard. With his bare ass poking out of the ground, so anyone can just wander by and fuck him. Because that’s what he deserves for recommending this fucking book.

Fifty Shades of Grey, which is fanfic of this book is 9000 times better than Twilight. Seriously. I’m not saying that Fifty is written better. Because it certainly isn’t. But it’s a better story that actually makes a tiny bit of sense. But sparkling vegan vampires? Seriously? Go fuck yourself, Stephenie Meyer.

The Mary-Sue in this book is Bella. A plain, boring, pathetic teenage girl, who just moved to a small town in bum-fuck nowhere. Way the fuck out in the woods, in Washington state. Reading about all her bullshit teenage angst just made me want to puke. Or punch her in the face. Because shut the fuck up, already. Stop whining, you stupid cunt. Yeah, life sucks. Welcome to your teenage years. Get over it.

She goes to her new school, and meets the most handsome guy in the world. Seriously, that’s how he’s described. “The most handsome guy in the world.” Yeah, right. This is yet another reason why I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. Because he’s always the most handsome guy. And she’s always plain and boring. And handsome guy always wants her anyway. Why, goddamnit? Give me a fucking reason, besides this being a Mary-Sue. Just one fucking reason why Edward wants anything to do with plain old Bella.

Okay, so maybe there’s ONE reason. But still, it’s not a very good reason. He can’t read her mind. He can read everyone else’s mind, but he can’t read hers. So, she intrigues him. This actually makes sense to me. But he still shouldn’t be attracted to her. Curious, yes. Attracted, no. If he was a real vampire, he’d just take her out in the woods and rip her fucking head off. Because you can’t have bitches running around with control over you. Fuck that. That bitch has got to die.

But no. Edward can’t do that. Because he’s a fucking vegan vampire, or something. His family doesn’t eat humans. Or even kill them for sport. Where’s the fun in that? What the fuck is the point of being a goddamn vampire if you’re not killing humans for fun and profit? It’s so fucking retarded. Apparently, his family just hunt animals and shit. Like fucking bums.

It’s no wonder that the rest of the vampire community wants to kill Edward and his family. Because they’re just not normal vampires. They’re tainting the goddamn bloodline. You don’t want the rest of the vampires to start acting gay and going all vegan and shit. That would ruin the whole vampire reputation. I mean, hot bitches don’t really go for the gay-ass vegans. They go for blood-sucking, hardcore vampires.

And don’t get me started on the whole sparkly vampire shit. Vampires should fucking die in the sunlight. Period. Okay, there’s one exception. Blade. Because he’s a hybrid. I can buy that. It makes a tiny bit of sense. But just sparkling in sunlight and not bursting into flames? That’s bullshit, man.

As if there wasn’t enough fucking Mary-Sue horseshit in this story, another hot guy wants Bella for himself. A shape-shifter doggie. And seriously, he’s hotter than gay-boy Edward. And he’s really better for Bella. Because he’s not a blood-sucking monster. And he’s actually kind of manly. He fixes and rides motorcycles and shit, man. This guy is cool.

He really makes so much more sense as a boyfriend for Bella. But dammit, she’s gonna do what she wants. Because she’s a stupid fucking teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck who’s better for her. All she cares about is doing the wrong thing, because that’s what teenagers do. And Edward is so good-looking. Even though he’s evil. But, that makes him dangerous. And dangerous is sexy.

Maybe if the sexy wolf boy, Jacob, had been more dangerous, he might have had a chance. He should have kicked the shit out of Edward, and called it a day. But apparently, Jacob is kind of a pussy, even though he’s macho and manly. Because he doesn’t start shit. He just pines for Bella like a goddamn girly-boy and doesn’t do a fucking thing about it.

I know this book is popular as fuck, but I have no idea why. It’s very hard to read, because it’s filled with so much teenage emotion and angst and fucking girly shit. I guess I can understand why girls would read it. Because girls are fucking stupid. But why, oh why, would a guy read this and recommend it to me? I just don’t get it. Just for that I’m going to go out in the backyard and fuck his ass. Shuddup. It’s not gay if he’s dead.

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GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s fucking hilarious.

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2 of 5 Not-Very-Sparkly Stars Strigoi by Ron D. Voigts.

This is a very standard Dracula type story, where a vampire holds a secluded town under his spell. There’s nothing particularly original about it. It’s just vampires and shapeshifters and priests and whores and… Damn, it’s pretty much True Blood.

The story starts out with a man named Alex, trying to kill himself. And he’s not fucking around. He’s got a bottle of pills. A big fucking knife. And he’s jamming a gun in his mouth. He just can’t decide if he should shoot up, for more of a brain angle, or down, for more of a paralyzed the rest of your life angle. Why this is even a consideration, is anyone’s guess.

As he’s standing there in his kitchen, failing miserably to kill himself, a guy raps on the window. “Hey dumbass!” Alex looks around his kitchen, a bit confused. Mumbles something that sounds like, “Whooae meah?” With the gun still jammed in his mouth, of course.

Because fuck that bitch. There’s no fucking way Alex is letting his soon to be ex-wife get the last word. He’s determined to fucking end his life with a bang. “Yeah you, fucktard,” said the stranger outside the window. “I’ve got a package for ya. And trust me, you’re going to like it.”

A non-verbal argument ensued, as Alex tried to explain in no uncertain terms that he was in fact going to kill himself. No package or blowjob was going to change his fucking mind. Okay, maybe a really good blow job. But there’s nothing in a box that would possibly change his mind. Unless it was a dick-in-a-box.

Unfortunately, it was not, in fact, a dick-in-a-box. It was a letter informing Alex that his long-lost uncle had died and left him a huge estate out in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere. With tons of cash. And bitches. And vampires. Wait, no it didn’t say anything about the vampires. That would kind of give away Dracula’s evil tricks, now wouldn’t it? I mean it’s hard to lure fresh meat out to your secluded estate if you tell them up front that you ‘vant tooo drink thair bloooood’.

I really liked the first few chapters, and the last few chapters in this book. The in-between chapters sucked donkey balls. It’s just Alex meeting his creepy neighbors. Doing the whole Scoobie-Doo thing as he tries to unravel the mystery of how or why his so-called uncle was killed. And why, oh why do so many people want to suck him off? I mean, I’m not one to protest such things, but come on people, give it a rest.

In the end, I think this book should have been much shorter. Because there’s just way too much filler that didn’t need to be there. It’s just not a 300 page story. 100 pages, at the most. I’d probably even recommend this story if it was a concise 100 pages. Because then it would actually be worth reading. As it is, the bullshit in this story overtakes the good bits, and makes it suck in more ways than one.

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3 of 5 Girly-Slut Stars – The Scene by R.M. Gilmore.

This book was quite a fun read. A joyful romp with a chubby journalist girl and her hot, nearly bi-sexual girlfriend. Chubby is out for the scoop of a lifetime. Vampires are killing prostitutes in L.A., and this frisky Scooby-Doo duo are the only ones who can solve the case!
This book reminds me a lot of One for the Money, in it’s tone and pace. The witty banter, and crazy girl antics are fun to read. But, it’s a bit shallow.I mean, of course it’s shallow. It’s not really meant to be anything else, is it? It’s just written to be a fun book. No extra thinking required, right?
Unlike Janet Evanovich’s books, the characters in this book are even more empty. I mean, why is Chubby such a bitch? She’s not written like she’s had a rough life. Nobody really treats her like a fat girl. Guys even flirt with her. So, why’s she such a bitch?
Her friend Tatum is a slut, I get that. The world needs sluts, and they don’t need to be any deeper than they are. Sluts are cardboard characters. But, it would have been a more interesting story if she wasn’t really a slut. Like, maybe she had a reason for what she was doing. Maybe she had daddy issues, who the fuck knows. But, goddamnit, in a book as long as this one is, 300 some pages, I really want more depth from a story.

And this story doesn’t even merit 300 pages. It’s a short story at best. Maybe 20 pages or so. I found myself going, goddamnit man, get to the good stuff already. Find the bad guys, have a shoot out, do something to make me actually care about this stupid story.

I mean, so vampires are killing whores. So-fucking-what. Who the fuck cares? Why is this even a story? They keep toying with the idea that: no, vampires aren’t real. It’s not really vampires, it’s probably some losers that are just playing with the whole vampire lifestyle. Sucking blood, and all that bullshit. But, again, who the fuck cares?

It’s just not a very interesting story. The only reason to read this book, is because you love the witty banter between these two Scooby-Doo girls. And, I’ll grant you that it’s still a fun book to read. The problem is, the villain in the story isn’t revealed until the very end. So, at no time is the reader going: Yea! Get that fucker. Just shoot him in the face! Because, there’s no fucker to shoot at until the very end.

So, there’s just nothing to cheer for. Nothing in the story gives the reader a reason to give a fuck. It just drags us on with endless girly talk and wanna-be detective meandering. I don’t fucking care. Give me a goddamn villain to hate. Give me a fucking good reason to keep reading, to see that justice is done.

Or just shut up and suck some cock you stupid fat whore. Because at least I would care about the ending. At least I would want to know: did he shoot it all over her face? Get it in her hair? Oh damn, he got it in her eye! Nice. See, even sucking cock has a better plot than this goddamn book.