Wanting to Want – makes me want to umm…

4 of 5 Grade-School-Reading Stars – Wanting to Want by Dr. Madeleine M. Castellanos, M.D.

Being written by an actual doctor, you’d think that this book would be a dry-ass text-book. But it’s not. It’s just practical advice about sex that anyone can use. Hell, it even has exercises at the end of each chapter, so you and your partner can stare at each other and go, “Umm, why are we doing these exercises, when we could be fucking right now?

Well, at least that’s what the guy would say. Because, lets face it, men are simple creatures. But we’re not so simple when we can’t get it up. Quite complex, actually. Dr. Castellanos tells us about one of her patients in this book, a young man named Steven. He’s come to her (heh, I said come) because of his limp-dick problem.

But of course, that’s not all it is. It’s usually a mental issue, especially in young men. I mean, you don’t see young men popping Viagra pills, unless they’re porn stars. Apparently, Steven is stressed out. He has performance anxiety. So, this lovely sex therapist slowly massages his back with some baby oil, and proceeds to bang the ever-loving shit out of him on her suede couch.

Oh shit, my bad. That never happened. But still, that’d be cool, right? Isn’t that every man’s fantasy when they go to see a sex therapist? I’d like to think so. But no, she doesn’t have sex with him. Instead, she tells him to hold this little sea-shell in his hand. Feel the grooves. Experience the texture. No, don’t put it up your ass. Just feel it, man.

Finally, she does get Steven to come around (heh, I said come again!) and finally start to enjoy sex with a partner, and by himself.

This therapist gets a lot of lonely housewives in her office. No, I don’t mean ‘gets’ like she’s banging them in her office, I mean she gets a lot of housewife patients who are either bored, or overworked, or just hate their husbands so much, they can’t stand the thought of having sex with him.

She explains to them, “Look, I know your husband is an asshole, but doesn’t he have a huge cock?” And, of course, all of the women responded with, “Are you serious? It’s like one inch long, when erect. Why, what has he told you?”

Wait, what the fuck am I talking about. Oh yea, that’s my penis, my bad. Where was I? Oh yes, how this doctor helped these cold bitches finally come to terms (ha! Come again!) with what was really bothering them. Like Julie, who was pissed off that her husband never helped with the kids, never helped with the housework, and never licked her goddamn pussy.

And then there’s Susan, who worked too much. She had ‘dissociation’ issues, because she had trained her stupid lizard brain to ignore sex. Because there were more important things to do. She had the job, the kids, and all that happy horseshit to deal with. She didn’t have time for sex, goddamnit. So, Dr. Castellanous helped her realize her own sexuality once again, by re-associating sex with good, pleasurable things, instead of boring missionary things.

In the end, I’d say that this is a very well-written book that everyone should have to read when they’re in grade-school. Not in high school, in grade-school. Why? Because, that’s when all this shit starts to happen. In fucking grade-school, man. I remember it vividly. I gave a girl a box of chocolates for Valentine’s day, when I was in the fourth grade. She laughed in my face. So guess what? I never, EVER asked another girl out.

Literally. I just waited around until a girl asked me out. I wasn’t an ugly hag-beast back then, so my chances were still pretty good. But I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19, because not only would I refuse to ask a girl out, I’d also refuse to seal the deal. I literally needed someone with the balls to just grab my dick and shove it where it belonged.

Yes, it’s pathetic, I know. But still, my point is, read this book as early as you can. Because that shit sticks with you. And not every boy is going to find a woman like my wife, who’s got the brass balls to do what needs to be done.

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A Fox’s Love – has huge breasts

4 of 5 Naked-Fox-Girl Stars –  A Fox’s Love by Brandon Varnell.

This book is fucking hilarious. And the author owes me a new keyboard, goddamnit. Yeah, I’m talking to you, Brandon. Don’t give me that look. No, it doesn’t have a warranty. It’s just a $10 keyboard. What? No, I don’t have a spare one lying around. Shut up, man. Just shut up.

Yeah, this book is like that. The author talks to his characters, and the characters talk back. Hell, he even talks to you, the reader. Because he can, I guess. And because it’s fucking hilarious.

This book is the story of anime coming to life. A 15-year-old boy finds a wounded fox on the side of the road. He takes the fox home, and tends to its injuries. Amazingly, the fox starts to heal itself. Kevin watches as the wounds gather together and heal. Then he notices that the fox has two tails.

He figures that maybe the fox is some kind of mutant, or a government test subject. But whatever, man. Yeah, I told ’em that bit. Shut up! I’m getting to it. Fuck. So Kevin leaves the fox in his room, and goes off to school. Stop giggling, man. Yeah, I know what comes next. Big titties. Damn, dude. You’re drooling.

So, yeah… Kevin comes home, and finds that his fox has transformed into a Kitsune, which is a fox who can transform into a human. And in this case, it transformed into a beautiful teenage girl, with the biggest tits that Kevin had ever seen. Because, yeah man, here it comes… She was standing there, plain as day, naked.

Kevin promptly faints, as you do. Because his tiny 15-year-old brain cannot handle what he was seeing. Hot. Naked. Girl… Panic. Yeah, I told them about the tits, man. Jesus, calm down. Go jack off, or something. What? No, man. Get your own fucking lube. Damn.

Okay, I get the panic, I really do. I was a timid and shy 15-year-old. If I saw a naked girl in my room, I’d probably panic as well. I might even flee. Or piss my pants. Or just stand there staring. Yeah, I’d probably just stand there and gawk. And drool. But I wouldn’t pass out, for fuck’s sake. That’s just retarded.

Shut up, man. I know it’s your story, and it’s a good story, but it still has its flaws, okay? So shut the fuck up, so I can finish this thing. Damn. But seriously… This fucking guy faints like 5 goddamn times in this book. Every single time, because of this sexy fox, and her super hotness. And those huge fucking boobs.

I’m pretty sure the author of this book jacked off several times while writing it, because damn. He described those boobs so many times… Yes you did, man. Shut up. I know they’re awesome, but you don’t have to tell me nine thousand fucking times how awesome those tits are, man. I get it.

Plot things happen, and then the boy and his fox are chased by a hound. Well, it’s really a bully from school who can turn into a hound. And apparently, hounds don’t like foxes, especially human foxes. So a battle ensues, and the fox-girl uses her super anime powers to escape and defeat the hound.

But she leaves him alive, so he can gather up all his hound buddies for the next book. I hate it with authors do this. I mean, I get it. You want me to read the next book in the series. But still… Shut up, man. Let me have my beef. No, I don’t want a goddamn hamburger. Oh, you’re going to town? Good. Get me some fries.

Glad I finally got rid of that fucker. Now, where was I? Oh yes, my beef. This kid, Kevin. I don’t get this kid. He’s got this naked girl throwing herself at him, and all he can do is scream and faint and try his damnedest to get rid of her. At no point does he cop a feel.

This story goes on for another 200 goddamn pages, with this naked fox-girl throwing herself at this kid, and the entire time, all he can do is squeal. I mean, they sleep in the same bed and everything. Well, he sleeps on the couch, but she finds him, and they always end up sleeping together. Naked.

And you know this fucker has a boner the entire time. Even when the fox-girl finally puts some clothes on, she’s still coming on to poor Kevin constantly. He’s got to have a constant boner. He takes cold showers every day, but the fox-girl barges into the shower with him, and nearly rapes him. But he still resists.

What the fuck, Brandon? I said Coke, not Diet Coke, damn. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was telling them about Kevin and his boner, and why he doesn’t bang the living shit out of this hot-ass fox-girl. That’s the problem, man. There’s no reason for him not to bang her. Yes, I know he’s got a crush on that other girl in school. Big fucking deal. He’s got this even hotter girl throwing herself at him. What’s his fucking problem?

Yes, I know you said he wasn’t gay. Are you sure? No, man. I’m telling you this kid has got to be gay. I don’t care how timid or shy you are, you don’t deny yourself pussy for that long. When it’s being thrown at you constantly? Fuck no, man. You’re eventually going to give into it.

I still loved this story, though. It reminded me of my teenage years. It showed me what a perfect teenage fantasy would look like. Okay, not so perfect. He should have banged her, man. She was begging for it. Whatever. Hey! Keep your goddamn hands off my fries, man. Whatcha mean you didn’t get your own fries? I don’t know what to tell you, Brandon. You should have known. They always fuck you at the drive-through.

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Snow Crash – a pizza boy’s dream

4 of 5 Virtual-Virus Stars – Snow Crash by Neal Stephenson.

This is a crazy tech-infused romp of a book. Its virtual world and real world are equally impressive, and fascinating. I think I was first hooked by this book when the protagonist was introduced. I mean, his name is Hiro Protagonist for Christ’s sake. And he’s a fucking pizza delivery boy for the goddamn Mafia.

Can you ask for a more interesting protagonist than that? I think not. He even has a fucking business card that reads “Last of the freelance hackers and Greatest swordfighter in the world.” I highly doubt that he is, in fact, the greatest swordfighter in the world, but just the fact that he thinks he is makes his character that much more interesting.

This book is the story of a virus named ‘Snow Crash’ that infects the virtual world as well as the real world. It’s used as a drug, and a computer virus. And Hiro’s best friend is hooked on it. He’s a fucking junkie. So Hiro uses his mad hacking skills to uncover the truth about Snow Crash.

The truth about Snow Crash, is that it was developed by a crazy religious cult that live on a huge barge out in the fucking ocean. Hiro and his new-found friend, a skateboard girl named Y.T. travel to the barge and try to stop Snow Crash from destroying both the real world and the virtual.

I loved this book because it was an exciting technological adventure. I hated it because it was way too goddamn complicated. I mean, the author created a whole new language for this fucking book. A whole new religion. A whole new world. It’s just too much. It would have been so much better if it was just the Snow Crash story, about how it’s destroying the world, and all that shit.

Often times, authors saturate their work with unnecessary details. They pad the pages with tons of horseshit, and they forget how to end a fucking story. They just end up rambling on and on, until they finally get frustrated with their own work, and just tack on whatever ending comes to mind.

It fucking pisses me off. Stephen King is the worst example of this, but there are plenty more authors who write 500 page books, when it would have been much better as a 300 page book. Snow Crash is in that same category. It would have been a much better 300 page book.

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The Letters – get a bit personal

4 of 5 Sassy-Ass-Bitch Stars – The Letters by Ella Drayton.

I really enjoyed this book. It caught me off guard. I was in the middle of reading a book, when someone handed me this one. As usual, I flipped through the first few pages of this book, just out of curiosity. Totally expecting to put it aside and finish the other book I was reading.

But I couldn’t do it. I just kept reading this book because I was captivated from the first page. I can’t really explain it. I mean usually, I’ll look at a synopsis on goodreads or amazon before reading a book. But with this one, I didn’t even bother.

I had no fucking clue what this book was about, and yet I kept on reading it. It seemed to be some sort of love story about a foul-mouthed bitch, and her asshole ex. I don’t know why I kept reading it, because I fucking hate romance novels. Somehow, I was transfixed on this goddamn book. The characters just sucked me in.

And then, out of nowhere, the story turns into a murder mystery. I didn’t even know that the main character was a fucking cop. But apparently, she really is a detective. A sassy one, at that. And some jackass is sending her letters, giving her clues to where dead bodies can be found.

Clues that are a bit umm… Personal. So she goes and arrests her old boyfriend from high school, because the body turned out to be the guy’s fucking fiance. So, of course he killed her, right? He’s so fucking guilty. He lies to the detective, and can’t provide an alibi.

I mean, it’s so obvious he’s guilty that he can’t possibly be guilty. Then, the sassy cop chick gets another letter describing yet another location from her past love life. A location where another body can be found. And guess what, the cop chick’s old boyfriend can be tied to that place as well.

I want to say that the best part of this book was the story, because it kept me guessing until the end. I never figured out who the killer was, until they were finally revealed. But that’s not really the best part. The best part of this book is the characters. They’re what kept my eyes glued to the page.

That being said, I still had my issues. For instance, I’m not sure if this author understands what the fuck ‘dialog’ means. It’s supposed to be a discussion. Not two people having monologues with each other. Because that’s what the dialog in this book seemed like. Characters would go on and on for pages, as they were supposedly having a discussion with someone, without anyone interrupting.

It’s just not natural. People don’t talk like that. Give me some back and forth, for fuck’s sake. That’s how people talk. Nobody talks for half an hour, then lets the other person talk for half an hour. That’s fucking retarded. I could understand if it was just one couple doing this, but it was every fucking character in this book. Talking for pages on end, without any real dialog.

That doesn’t negate the fact that it’s a great book. I’d highly recommend it, even with the back and forth monologues. It was still captivating and fun to read.

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Creep – revealed my secret

3 of 5 Creep-Does-Not-Rhyme-With-Deep Stars – Creep by T. Kent, among others.

This is a good book of poems and flash fiction. But perhaps I’m biased because I love horror so much. And you wouldn’t think that I’m a big fan of poetry, now would you? Of course you wouldn’t think that. Because I’m a fucking idiot.

But there’s a secret, you see. Don’t let me fool you. I’m not really an idiot, I just play one on TV. And I studied poetry in college, so I know a good poem when I see it. And let me tell you this, these are not good poems.

Okay, there’s like 2-3 good poems in this collection. But for the most part, they’re complete shit. They’re just pointless. They don’t tell a story, or make me feel ANYTHING. It’s just bla bla bla (insert rhyme here) bla bla bla.

That’s not poetry. Oh shut the fuck up. Yes, it’s poetry in the literal sense, but it’s not good poetry. Good poetry doesn’t need such a structure. But every single fucking poem in this collection rhymed like it’s a book for three-year-olds.

But it’s not a fucking book for three-year-olds, goddamnit. They’re poems about death, and gore, and serial killers, for fuck’s sake. So throw that goddamn iambic pentameter out the window and give me some real fucking creativity.

Or maybe that particular poetry structure was what was required by the publisher for this volume. Who the fuck knows? All I know is, it annoyed the fuck out of me.

This collection was saved by some brilliant flash fiction. Those stories were awesome. I really wish the whole book was filled with those stories, even though like 70% of them were set during Halloween. That’s a bit too many Halloween stories, don’t ya think?

At least they’re good Halloween stories. Except one. It’s titled ‘Mayhem’, so you know what to avoid. Seriously, skip that goddamn story, because it’s fucking bullshit.

You know that awesome movie, Crash? Where there’s all these different stories interconnecting with each other? This story was like that, and then, out of nowhere, it just ends. It was building to something awesome, and then just ends. What the fuck?

Overall, I’m still glad I read this collection, and I would definitely recommend it. It’s a good book, but it could have been much better.

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Astro is Down in the Dumps – stupid dog

2 of 5 A-Gun-For-Astro Stars – Astro is Down in the Dumps by Susan Day.

Fuck this dog! Seriously, what is your problem, man? How hard can life be, as a fucking dog? You’ve got everything! Food, water, shelter, and even friends, for fuck’s sake. I just don’t understand what the fuck this dog is depressed about. Maybe someone pissed in his water bowl, or something. Who the hell knows.

This book is about a stupid cunt-doggie, who whines all day about how miserable his fucking life is. I’m pretty sure he’s suicidal. Because all his goddamn friends come to see him, and try to cheer him up, but he’s not having any of it. “Fuck off!” he says.

But they won’t ‘fuck off’. More and more friends come to see this stupid cunt-doggie, in more useless attempts to cheer him up. Of course one stupid asshole brings him fruit. How the fuck is fruit supposed to cheer up a motherfucking dog? He’s a goddamn carnivore. Bring him some fucking beef ribs or something. That’d make any dog happy.

But no. His friends keep bringing him stupid shit, that wouldn’t cheer up any dog that I know. I mean, they bring him paints, so he can do some doodling. Big deal. They bring him music, so he can sing and dance. What fucking dog wants to sing and dance? Come on.

The only good suggestion made by these so-called friends of his, was to go outside and play, goddamnit. Get the fuck out of bed, you lazy fuck. Bask in the sunshine. Chase a motherfucking frisbee, for fuck’s sake. Or a cat, even. Just do something, damn.

In the end, this cunt-dog learns a valuable lesson: his friends are assholes. He only has one true friend, and that’s the one who took him outside to play. The rest can fuck off and die.

*** DISCLAIMER: This is NOT an honest review. This review is for amusement purposes only, by request from the author. You can read my real review of this book at goodreads, if you like. I gave it 4/5 stars, because it really is a great children’s book.

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Dead Scary – isn’t scary at all

4 of 5 Dead-Sexy Stars – Dead Scary by Sally Gould.

One time, a friend of mine was arguing with me about the existence of God. We went back and forth for quite a while, until he asked, “Well, what about ghosts?”

“Umm, ghosts aren’t real, man” I replied.

But this book makes me wonder. Because the relationships that Adam has with ghosts seem very real. I mean, his best friend is a ghost. But this book isn’t about friendly ghosts, it’s about an angry ghost who wants his house back.

But Adam isn’t afraid. In fact, he taunts the ghost that haunts his house. “Bring it on!” he says. “Oh, you’ve got Warrior Spirits that are going to drag me out of my house kicking and screaming? Heh. Sure you do.”

But there really are Warrior Spirits. They’re like a SWAT team for the spirit world. They show up, guns blazing, and evict whomever they please. Okay, they don’t really have guns. That’d be silly. But they got flaming swords, at least. That’ll scare em!

But it doesn’t scare Adam. He knows the SWAT team is on its way, and he doesn’t care. He’s got an ace in his back pocket. His grandpa has fought ghosts for ages, and he gives Adam the advice he needs to fight off the ghostly SWAT team.

Apparently, Archangel Michael is an instant-win card for the living. All you have to do is call on him, and wham-o, Archangel Michael shows up, and saves the day. It’s a good thing too, because the SWAT team had filled Adam’s house with smoke, and covered it in ghostly ice. It was looking pretty nasty, until Archie showed up.

So, don’t be afraid of ghosts. If they’re real, you can always call on uncle Archie to help you out. Just don’t try to have a conversation with the guy… He’s kind of anti-social.

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Barney’s Choice – to do anal, or not

4 of 5 Anal-Probe Stars – Barney’s Choice by Stanislava D. Kohut.

This is an interesting short story, and it’s very well told. It’s the story of what happens when you’re given a chance to change your past. A story of fascinating aliens, who have the power to control your mind, and your body. They can wield your body like a puppet, and do with you as they please.

Barney is the captain of a spaceship, investigating the moon. Apparently, the powers that be think there may be alien lifeforms skulking about. So, Barney goes on a walkabout on the moon. He leaves his fellow shipmates behind, and goes off into the barren wasteland, to find the so-called aliens.

And so, he did. He found their ship in the middle of a huge moon crater. The tall, muscular aliens grabbed him from his perch, behind a rock. They took him to their ship, and introduced him to their beautiful female leader.

She instantly took control of Barney’s mind and body. She made him say things. She made him do things. Things he’s not proud of. And then, she decided that she’d had enough of her plaything, and she touched Barney’s forehead, and sent him back into the past, back to his old house, when he was 13 years old.

Back to when his parents were arguing. His mother was drunk off her ass, and his father was so angry that the house was so goddamn filthy. And why isn’t there food on the fucking table? Come on, clean my boots, woman! We all know how that kind of argument ends.

Apparently, in Barney’s real past, he had chosen to stay with his father. Because at least his father wasn’t a drunken floozy. But in this new past, Barney was given a choice. He sees both his futures, as his parents are arguing. He gets to view what each choice would cause.

And then, he’s back with his crew, as if nothing had happened. This really is a very creative story. I loved the descriptions of the aliens. It’s very unique. And the advanced technology of the aliens was well described, and it made me wonder if such things were possible.

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Ghost – is haunting naked girls

4 of 5 Not-Really-A-Ghost Stars – Ghost by John Ringo.

Some stupid, hormone-infused teenager must have written this book. Because that’s the only way I can explain all the hot naked chicks in this story. Why’d they have to be naked? I mean yes, of course I want them to be naked. But is there really any reason for them to be naked? Not really.

This book tells the story of some fucked-up terrorist organization that kidnaps several hot college chicks. They strip the girls naked, and chain them to a few rows of benches in a hot, sweaty room.

The terrorists make a video, showing the hot chained up girls. Telling the United States government to go fuck themselves. “We gots all yer womens, motherfuckers. Suck a dick! Yeah! Fuck America!”

Enter Michael ‘The Ghost’ Harmon. He’s a retired special forces guy, who gets his nickname ‘The Ghost’ because he’s a sneaky motherfucker. You’ll never see him coming.

Ghost witnesses one of the kidnappings, and trails the van all the way to the terrorist hideout. He hangs out in the vents of the warehouse, biding his time, just like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. “So this is what a TV dinner feels like…”

It’s the Ghost against probably 50 or more bad guys. He takes them out one by one. Saves the naked girls, and gets a sloppy blowjob for a reward.

It’s a very simple story. Not very much depth to it. Like I said, It’s like a fucking pimpled-faced teenager wrote it. It’s just trashy fun, with no substance. And I loved it.

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Dutchman’s Curse – is unintentionally hilarious

3 of 5 Frack-Fucking Stars – Dutchman’s Curse by Gates Watson.

I laughed my ass off while I read this book. It’s fucking hilarious. But somehow, I don’t think the author intended it to be so goddamn funny. I think he meant it to be a serious, epic space opera.

And it is an epic space opera, in a way. I mean, there’s huge space battles, and such. But it’s hard to take it seriously, when one of the main characters is a 12-year-old boy named ‘Tom Clancy’. Seriously? Out of all the fucking names you could have chosen, you chose Tom Motherfucking Clancy? Really?

So, every time I read that name, I had to chuckle. It took me out of the book, and made me realize just how utterly stupid it was. I couldn’t keep track of the story, because every time I saw that fucking name, I’d be dragged back to the real world, to laugh my ass off.

Don’t get me started on Tom Clancy’s sister. A 5-year-old girl who’s pretty much River, from Firefly. She’s special. She can talk to spaceships, and she has like superpowers or something. And her name is AnaLise.

So now, every time I read her name, it’s Anal-ise. Emphasis on the Anal. Why? I don’t fucking know why. I’m a sick fuck, or something. But I just couldn’t help myself. So again, every time I saw that name, I had to chuckle, and it took me out of the story as well.

And then, there’s the officer named Moran. He’s a fucking moron, and every time I saw his name, I read it as Moron. Again, laughing my ass off. Then, I found this line, and laughed even harder: “You aren’t paid to think, Moran.”

That’s comedy gold, right there. Oh yea, and there’s General Butthead. That one’s good for a laugh or two. And the fact that this author chose to use the whole Battlestar Galactica swear word routine. ‘Frack’ this, and ‘fracking hell’ that. You couldn’t ask for more laughs from this book, I tell ya.

All that aside, this book is about some kids who hop a ride on some warship. They seem harmless enough, but they’re not. Tom Motherfucking Clancy is a goddamn serial killer, and his sister is some strange mystic that nobody understands.

Tom starts killing everyone, as you do. His sister is taken to a faraway planet, for safe keeping, because you never know when you’ll need a mystical heir to some clan. And then the wars begin. Because some asshole stopped a wedding, and another asshole killed someone important.

Tom escapes with his buddy Moran, because even a serial killer needs some comic relief. The battleship that was trying to stop the war ends up getting blamed for killing everyone. A bounty is set on that ship, and everyone goes after it, getting themselves killed in the process.

Seriously, like 6 ships were destroyed, because of a goddamn misunderstanding. Then, all is cleared up, and the war shifts to finding and destroying Tom and his minions. There’s also some bullshit in there about trade agreements, and turf disputes. Not that I paid attention to that. I mean, who would?

I liked this book, because I literally laughed out loud several times while reading it. I hated it, because it could never keep me in the story. I was constantly drawn out by the stupid names and references. But still, it was well written. And funny, albeit unintentionally so.

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