First Night – is a terror-filled night

4 of 5 Kids-With-Guns Stars – The Oneiro Rangers in First Night by Erwin Blackthorn

This is a great story, if you start reading it on page 14. Seriously, the first 14 pages are complete horse shit. And it really pisses me off, considering that the whole book is only 70 goddamn pages. So that’s 20% of the book completely wasted. Motherfucker. What a great way to get readers to throw this fucking thing in the trash from the very beginning, you fucking idiot of an author.

That being said, if you skip those first 14 pages, this is a very good story. I quite enjoyed it. It’s about a bunch of kids attending an academy to train them to become Oneiro Rangers. Or wizards. Or something. Because it really reminded me of the Harry Potter books. With Dementors, a sorting machine, and even a Professor Snape for fuck’s sake.

The story follows a few kids who survived an attack by a Nightterror (aka Dementor), which kidnapped the entire school. Only these few kids remain, along with their Professor Snape to guide them. Oh, and some mysterious Doctor who I can only assume is Professor Dumbledore, because he explains the whole mess to the kids and gives them the tools to defeat the Dementors.

It really is a great story, despite the fact that the cover looks like it was designed by a retarded 1st grader. I man, come on. The graphic is okay, but the text just looks… I dunno. Stupid, I guess. Amateur. But, whatever… It’s still a great story, and I would highly recommend it. As long as you skip the first boring, useless, 14 pages.

 

Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter – it’s a spooky ghost!

4 of 5 Whimpy-Korean-Fucker Stars – Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter by Tim Learn.

For someone like me, who’s never heard of any Korean mythology, this book is very strange. I mean, who knew that there was a fucking god of the kitchen, goddess of the bathroom, and a god of the door. Yes, apparently Koreans worship the door to their bathroom. Crazy fucking wack-jobs.

This book is the second installment of the Korean retard known as Chewy Noh. Okay, he’s not technically retarded, but he’s not smart, that’s for damn sure. He’s some Junior High kid who can only pass tests at school because he’s literally got super-powers that allow him to pass any test. You know, like X-Men mutant powers.

But without his super-powers, he’s completely retarded. In this book, he soon wishes he doesn’t have super test taking skills, because his new teacher starts to think he’s cheating. She gets a total hard-on for Chewy. No, not sexually. That’s sick. No, she gets a hard-on for catching the little shit cheating.

She makes tests that no student could possibly pass. She even puts trick questions in there, that don’t even have a correct answer. But Chewy still gets a perfect score. So she gets an even bigger hard-on for him, and keeps making more impossible tests, to prove that chewy is a low-down dirty fucking cheater. You know, like all Koreans. Hey, shuddup. That’s not me being racist. That’s the author’s words right there. So, suck it.

Chewy starts getting haunted by the god of doors. Or something. He goes through the door to the bathroom at a party, and all the sudden he’s someplace else. Like it was a portal or something. Apparently, that’s what the door god does. He makes portals out of doors.

Chewy gets this bright idea. In order to trick his teacher into thinking he’s not a typical Korean cheater, he’s going to have to sneak into her office and steal the answers to the next test. He’s going to have to cheat, in order to actually prove that he’s not a cheater. As I said, he’s fucking retarded.

Then there’s the whole ‘Winter Soldier’ thing. Another ghost, who may or may not be the god of the toilet, is causing all kinds of havoc. He/she/it is terrorizing kids everywhere. Attacking them, and sending them to the hospital. So Chewy and his buddy put on their best Scooby-Doo impression, and go around trying to figure out who the ghost is, and what they want.

I’ve never been a fan of ghost stories. Because ghosts don’t fucking exist. I’ll never forget one time my next door neighbor asked me, “What do you mean, you don’t believe in god? How do you explain ghosts, then?” I gave her my most plain stare and answered, “Simple. They don’t exist either.”

But then again, monsters don’t really exist, and I love me a good monster story. And I don’t hate this book because it’s a ghost story. I don’t hate it at all, really. It’s actually quite good. It’s much better than the first story in the series.

I liked it because it had an actual story line, unlike the first book. It had a real plot. There was some actual meat on them bones. And the Korean mythology was actually quite interesting to read. But I was still hoping that one of those ghosts would totally kill poor Chewy. Because he really is the most pathetic hero I’ve ever read about.

****

JUSTIN BIEBER SUED! Damn. Why can’t the headline ever say ‘Justin Bieber Dead’? Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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Chewy Noh and the Fall of the Mu-dang – (wookie sound)

3 of 5 Not-Much-Of-A-Wookie Stars – Chewy Noh and the Fall of the Mu-dang by Tim Learn.

This book reminds me too much of school. I fucking hated school. All that reading and writing, and paying attention in class… Fuck that shit. I’ve got better things to do, goddamnit.

Chewy – what a silly fucking name. At first, I thought maybe the author wasn’t aware of the most famous ‘Chewy’. But then a bully in this story made the comment “So your mother named you after a Wookie? Nice.”

But this Chewy is nothing like a Wookie. He’s a tiny little grade school weakling. He’s like a foot shorter than everyone. Not because he’s Korean. No, that’s got nothing to do with it. He was just born to be a fucking pussy boy.

But at least there’s a tradeoff. Sure, he’s frail and weak, but at least he’s got superpowers. Well, not real superpowers. Because he’s a fucking idiot. He could have chosen to fly, or be invincible, or invisible, or so many other marvelous things, but he didn’t. He chose to have the superpower to pass any test posed to him. Like that’s a fucking superpower.

Chewy uses his new-found power on the next test in school, and sure enough, he passes with a perfect score. I guess I can kind of understand his need for this kind of power, because before this, he was a fucking retard. Seriously, he couldn’t do anything right, and failed every exam, before he got his so-called superpowers.

Oh yea, and his mom’s a witch. Kind of. She can read minds, and see the future. This is a very annoying thing for a young boy. Just imagine living with a mom who can read your every thought. That’s scary shit right there. And sure enough, it drives poor Chewy crazy.

I’m not sure why this book was nearly 400 pages long. It wasn’t much of a story. It’s just the comings and goings of typical shit that happens in school. Girl crushes. Boy crushes. Rumors and such. There’s just not much story in this book.

Chewy gets bullied. His friend gets bullied. They sneak into the principle’s office to get some dirt on the bullies. Discover that one of the bullies was held back a grade. Oh noes! One of the bullies just happens to get superpowers of his own, and tries to frame Chewy for burning down the school.

That’s not a 400 page story. It’s a 100 page story, at best. That being said, it was still well written. It was actually a fairly compelling read. I mean, I finished it in one sitting, which I rarely do. So, it’s not a bad story per se, it just lacked substance.

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Days of Throbbing Gristle – it’s what he calls his penis

2 of 5 Throbbing-Gay-Cock Stars – Days of Throbbing Gristle by Kevin Cole.

I don’t know why, but when I read young adult fiction from a guy’s perspective, it always seems like they’re just whiny little bitches. Like Catcher in the Rye. A whiny ass bitch. It’s Kind of a Funny Story, yet another whiny ass bitch. And this book follows that same trend. Why? I have no fucking idea.

I mean, seriously… Why the fuck can’t authors write about interesting characters? Why do they always have to be whiny ass bitches? It’s fucking stupid. It’s even more stupid, when it’s 800 some pages of whiny ass bitch, which is what this book is.

It’s the story of some young English faggot, who travels to Texas as an exchange student. He doesn’t waste any time. He starts sucking dick right away. Cuz that’s how you do it in Texas, apparently. I might have to visit that fine state some day.

The young lad decides that he’s not 100% gay, and goes looking for a girlfriend. This is a hard (heh, I said ‘hard’) thing to do, when the whole community has first hand knowledge of your fine dick-sucking abilities. Word gets around, man.

So he cries like a little girl, because nobody will love him. He smokes a bowl, snorts some coke, drinks some beers, and sucks some more cock. Because hey man, stick with what you’re good at.

Somewhere along the line, he comes to the conclusion that love is bullshit. Because everyone is just out for themselves. Girls just want to be popular. They want to drink, and get high, and hang out with the cutest guys. Guys, on the other hand, just want to get laid. Period. Nothing fancy. Just gimme some goddamn pussy.

But love? There is no love. At least there’s none to be had for this poor English faggot. Because lets face it, nobody wants to hang out and get drunk with a whiney ass bitch.

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Allegiant – is very wishy-washy

3 of 5 Look-Who’s-Talking-Now Stars – Allegiant by Veronica Roth.

Shortly after starting this book, I got worried. I started to think that Tris was most certainly going to die. It was the only explanation for why the perspective kept jumping around from Tris, to Four, to some other jackass…

I mean, the first two books were written in the first person, from the Tris perspective. And then this book, jumping around from one perspective to another, was not only annoying as fuck, but it was very telling as to what’s going to happen to the narrator of the other books. She’s going to fucking die. There’s no other explanation for the other perspectives.

If you can get past these bullshit perspectives, and just try to enjoy the actual story in the book, it’s actually a decent book. There’s lots of action. There’s betrayal. Love gained, and love lost. A jail break. And finally, the death of the most annoying whiney-ass bitch, the angst-ridden Tris. Thank god.

This story centers around a rebellion. The people who call themselves the Allegiant. They are determined to get back to their old way of life. Where they’re all sorted into factions. So, I guess the Allegiant just want to go back to being mindless drones. Wow. So rebellious.

This book is also about finding out the truth about their society. How it came to be. What really are the Divergent? I mean, are they trying to get rid of the Divergent people, or are they, in fact, the reason for the whole society in the first place?

The description of how their walled-up society came to be is just fucking retarded. The Purity Wars? Seriously? There was a war about who’s genetically pure, and who’s supposedly flawed? That’s just silly. Then again, there have been wars about sillier things. Like religion. And slavery.

And yes, the Divergent are, in fact, the chosen ones. They are the genetically pure ones. But, unfortunately, it turns out that Four isn’t a real Divergent. He’s just slightly Divergent. So, he’s still flawed. So he and Tris break up, because who wants to be with someone who’s flawed. Awwww. So sad.

But don’t worry. They get back together, just before she dies. Because, drama and shit. The stupid thing is, there really was no need for her to die. I really don’t get it. In fact, I think the story would have been much better if she lived. Oh well. One less whiney-ass bitch.

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Lyric the Unknown – I wish I’d known her

4 of 5 Unemployed Stars – Lyric the Unknown by Jim Maher.

This is a great book. I fucking loved it. Maybe it’s because I played the violin as a child, or maybe it’s because it’s a complete rip-off of In the After, but I don’t care. It’s still fucking awesome.

It’s the story of a young girl who hates her fucking violin. I can relate, because I hated mine too. I couldn’t play for shit. I couldn’t even read music. But one time, I was glad I had it with me. A few bullies cornered me as I was walking to school. But they soon left me alone as I raised my violin case and said “Bring it, bitches!”

Young Lyric was practicing her violin one day, when all the sudden, the end of the world came. She could see people running and screaming in the streets below her building, as monsters took over the city. Her sister and mother were taken, shrouded in a cocoon, and dragged to the bowels of the city.

Lyric wakes up 50 years later, still clutching her violin and bow. She uses her violin to bust out of the cocoon, and finds herself in complete darkness. Soon, she is chased by hideous monsters. She flees, finds some stairs, and is saved by a kind stranger.

She awakes to a whole new world. The world of The Heights, where it’s safe from the monsters. Because, apparently the monsters are like vampires or something. They burn in sunlight, so they stay in the bowels of the city.

Lyric is introduced to The Council, where they discuss her future. She’s told that she is an ‘Unknown’, which to me was quite a mysterious thing. What does it mean? Does she have like super-powers, or something? No, it just means that she doesn’t have a job. Seriously? That’s so fucking retarded. I expected so much more from the ‘Unknown’ idea, but I guess the author didn’t have time to come up with something cool. Damn.

She’s put through a test, where they try to find out what she’s good for. What can she do? Can she be a Healer? Fuck no. A map-maker? No fucking way. She’s fucking useless. She fails all the tests, and is doomed to exile, unless she can make herself useful.

So, out of boredom, she busts out her violin, and plays some music. And somehow, everyone is amazed. They’ve never heard music before. Seriously? Okay, it’s 50 years in the future. So, it’s what, 2065? How the fuck none of these people have heard music before, I don’t understand. I mean, nobody sings in the shower? Come on…

It’s explained, sort of. The creator of this world had a flaw in his design. Music fucks everything up. So, he bans it. That still doesn’t explain why someone wouldn’t sing in the shower. It doesn’t explain the complete lack of knowledge that music ever existed. I mean, murder is against the law, but it happens every day anyway. There’s just no way you can completely remove music from a society.

Parts of this book needed more detail. The so-called testing, for instance. It’s like she entered the testing area, talked to some testing bitch, and it’s over. Next chapter. What the bloody fuck? How about some actual tests, goddamnit? I wanna know how she fails so miserably at everything.

But I guess that’s what makes this book so good. Because I kept wanting more. And it was fucking hilarious. I literally laughed out loud several times. And cried. What the fuck is wrong with me?

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Taking the Reins – takes some panties

    FREE for Kindle at Amazon.

3 of 5 Huge-Horse-Cock Stars – Taking the Reins by Katrina Abbott.

The author of this book sent me a free copy and assured me that I would hate it. Well, goddamnit, I didn’t. I expected to hate it, not because the author told me that I would, but because I’m not a fan of romance novels at all. In fact, I avoid them like the plague. I can’t fucking stand romance novels.

I hate them because, for the most part, they’re just cardboard characters doing stupid things for love. Well, this book doesn’t have any cardboard characters. The characters are real, full of life, and even unpredictable. I never knew what they were going to do. I tried predicting the outcome, and failed at every turn.

This story is about a teenage girl named Brooklyn who’s sent to a boarding school, because her parents had too much money, and frankly, they’re bored of her. So, they shipped her off to America, all the way from London, because the farther teenagers are away from their parents, the better.

Brooklyn gets the most awesome roommate. She’s a rich e-commerce girl, named Emmie, who gives away everything she owns to charity, because her parents are such wealthy fucks, that they find the idea of charity offensive. So, when Emmie gives things away, she’s actually just being a rebel, like every other goddamn teenager. But it’s definitely a unique way of rebellion.

Unfortunately, this book isn’t about Brooklyn and Emmie’s torrid gay love affair. I was hoping for it, that’s for sure. They had such chemistry. They belonged together, goddamnit.

Instead, the story is about horses, and their huge cocks. And one boy’s love affair with his sexy horse. Wait, no it’s not. Sorry. Again, that’s what I hoped it would be about. Because, at one point, it’s made clear that one boy does like his horse way too much. So, who knows what happens behind the closed barn, right? I mean, I’m just saying… That guy is totally fucking his horse when nobody is looking.

And then there’s the panty raid. At least 1/3 of this book is dedicated to a panty raid. The boys from the all-boy school down the road, sneak in and steal the undies from the all-girl school. Then, the girls go steal the boy’s undies, because what else is there to do?

Goddamnit. That’s not 1/3 of a book. That’s a chapter. Maybe two. I can only read so much about panty stealing. I mean, maybe if they had stuck the girl panties up a horse’s ass. Or tied up one of the boys with girl panties, and sexually tortured him with a riding crop. That may have been worth 80 pages or so. But not just panty stealing. Come on…

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The Scorch Trials – fried my brain

3 of 5 Scorched-Ass Stars – The Scorch Trials by James Dashner.

This is the second book in The Maze Runner series, and it actually includes some answers to some of the unanswered questions from the first book. Like, why was the maze built? Who, or what is WICKED, and how are they good?

In this book, The Lord of the Flies boys are introduced to the organization that is WICKED. The purpose behind the maze experiment is somewhat explained. But then, WICKED continues their wicked ways, by sending the Flies boys on yet another experiment.

They are to survive the desert, hence the ‘Scorch Trials’ title. Monsters are thrown at them, just like in the maze, but this time the monsters can come at any time, during the day or night.

And there’s the scavengers. The survivors of the plague, which seem to be living in a Mad Max kind of apocalyptic world. These scavengers attack the Flies boys. They’re especially interested in the boy’s one female member.

Of course, the Flies boys escape, along with their token female. And, they’re off to yet another forced challenge of the desert.

This whole book seemed forced to me. It’s like the author didn’t really want to come up with any answers to the questions posed in The Maze Runner. It was supposed to be a stand-alone book, dammit.

But then the publishers pushed him into writing these other books. So, he just pulled some answers out of his ass, and said, “There. Now leave me the fuck alone.”

Unfortunately, the publishers didn’t leave him alone, because even after the Maze Runner series, he had to write a prequel book called The Kill Order.

Talk about a disappointment. The prequel is so much worse than the Maze Runner series. It’s complete garbage. It’s like Mr. Dashner here decided to fuck with the publishers. Like, “I’ll just write total shit, then they can’t publish it. Haa ha! I’ve got you fucking publishers now!”

But, joke’s on him. Because they fucking published that shit too. Whatever you do, don’t read The Kill Order. It completely ruined anything that was good about the Maze Runner series.

And don’t read this fucking book either. The Scorch Trials just muddy the waters. It dilutes a perfectly good idea, and turns it to shit.

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Gathering Blue – gathers a fresh bag of dicks

    FREE with Kindle Unlimited at Amazon.

1 of 5 Must-Skip Stars – Gathering Blue by Lois Lowry.

This book is bullshit. After reading The Giver, I expected some answers, goddamnit. Did they survive? Or, did they freeze to death? Did our hero sled his way to another bizarre society, or did he end up in the real, normal world?

None of those questions are answered. In fact, none of the characters from the first book are even mentioned in this second book. It’s fucking bullshit.

It’s just a story of some stupid orphan girl, who happens to have a gift for making things. So, the powers that be take her and make her their slave girl, so she can repair their sacred quilt, or whatever.

That’s pretty much it. That’s the story. Nothing compelling about it at all. Just a bullshit pagan story. I don’t fucking care one bit. I want answers, goddamnit!

Yes, it was a well-written story. But no, it was not worth reading. If you’re going to read this series, just skip this one. It doesn’t change a fucking thing. You’re not going to miss anything at all.

The next two books in this series are fascinating, but this one just doesn’t belong. It’s completely out of place, and I wish I could strike it out of existence. It’s that bad.

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It’s Kind of a Funny Story – is not funny at all

3 of 5 Whiney-Ass-Bitch Stars – It’s Kind of a Funny Story by Ned Vizzini.

This book really hit home for me. Like a lot of teenagers, when I was 15, I was suicidal as fuck. One time, I had the shotgun out of the closet. Loaded it. Put it up to my mouth. Then, I heard the front door open. My mom got home. Shit. So, I put the gun back, and pretended that nothing was wrong.

This book is about 15 year old Craig, who is much more depressed than I ever was. In fact, he’s probably schizophrenic, because he hears voices and shit. He thinks about jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge, but instead, he goes home and calls the suicide hotline.

They tell him to go to the hospital. Just check in at the emergency room, and tell them you’re fucking suicidal. So, he does. And he gets sent to the adult mental ward, because the children’s ward is being renovated, or some shit. They get him back on his meds, and he starts feeling a wee bit better.

The problem I have with this book, is the first half is completely worthless. It’s just Craig whining like a little bitch. Awww. School is hard. People don’t like me. OMG, I got a 93% on a test. My life is over. Jesus fucking christ, man. Get over yourself.

The book doesn’t really get interesting until he checks himself into the mental ward. Then, all the crazy characters come out to play. And, for some reason, all the girls want to fuck him. I mean, seriously. The girls in the ward want to fuck him. The girls from school suddenly want to fuck him. What the fuck?

There’s nothing fuckable about this guy. He’s just some random fucked-up teenager. Okay, he does get more interesting when he starts doing his drawings. He gets all sensitive and shit. Hell, I kind of wanted to fuck him during that part of the story.

And, by the way, it’s not a funny story at all. Not in the slightest. If anything, it’s depressing as fuck. Well, until near the end, when he finally gets some inspiration to actually change his life. Then it at least gets hopeful. But funny? It was never funny.

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