Candy, Murder & Me – made me hungry

Posted: May 7, 2015 in 3 Star Reviews, Fiction
Tags: , , , , , , ,

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3 of 5 Clueless-Sleuth Stars – Candy, Murder & Me by Carolyn Chambers Clark.

This book was way too girly for me. I mean, every fucking chapter had some recipe for foodstuffs. Like I fucking care. I don’t even know what the fuck those recipes were doing there. What did they add to the story? Absolutely nothing. If anything, it just distracted from the story.

This book is about a murder mystery. Some ditzy woman aptly named ‘Cookie’, finds her P.I. dead in her clothing design studio. And the cops think she did it. Because the P.I. was investigating some embezzlement case that Cookie was involved in.

So, of course Cookie has to take up the P.I. business herself, and find out who really killed Mr. Falcone. Now that’s a mob name, if I ever heard one. And sure enough, the guy was seriously involved in the mob. That’s one way to get yourself killed fast. Dumbass.

Cookie goes to Mr. Falcone’s office and digs through his files, to see if she can find any leads into his murder. Mr. Falcone’s assistant helps her out and gives her some stupid ideas about how to be a good detective. You know, like getting a fucking gun, and trying not to shoot yourself with it.

The story continues on and on with Cookie and her new friend checking out all of Mr. Falcone’s recent cases. Most of which were guys trying to find out if their wives were cheating on them. Of course they’re cheating. If you think they’re cheating, they are. Period. Because they fucking hate you.

Then she comes across a case involving a chemical company that may be dumping toxic waste. So she starts investigating by breaking into their offices, and promptly gets shot at. She escapes, and nearly gets run off the road by ‘the guy with the golden tooth’, straight out of fucking James Bond.

In the end, Cookie got all the answers she needed from the bad guy. He confronted her, gun in hand, and insisted that she hand over the evidence. But no. She started singing off tune instead. Oh shit. MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!. So he ended up telling her everything. Because the pain in his ear holes was just too much to take. Really? What kind of murderous pussy are you, guy? Damn.

This book reminds me a lot of the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich. Where some ditzy broad takes up some profession she clearly doesn’t belong in. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, just about every book out there is derivative in some way or another.

I can’t say that I hated this book. But I didn’t like it either. Which is strange, because I rather liked the Stephanie Plum novels which are quite similar. The problem I found with this book was that it was just too repetitive. And too fucking girly. And no sexual tension. It was kind of a taco fest, because there weren’t really any guys in the story. Just dead ones. And it’s hard to build sexual tension around a dead guy.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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