Archive for the ‘3 Star Reviews’ Category

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3 of 5 Useless-As-Fuck Stars – Dark Matters: Two tales of Crime and Madness by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book does not contain ‘two tales of crime and madness’. It’s one tale of ‘crime and madness’ and one tale of bullshit. And it’s even hard to say that the first one is about crime. There’s a murder, sure. But it’s more about love and madness really.

The first story is about a dripping faucet in some guy’s kitchen. And it’s driving him fucking insane. I’m not sure why. I mean, just fix the fucking thing. How hard is that? But no. He’s got to argue about it with his girlfriend, and stab her in the heart for no apparent reason.

And then, he figures he’d better call the cops. Because he’s done a bad, naughty, evil thing. And he should be punished, or something. So, a huge smart-ass cop comes to the door. He’s an asshole. And he notices that this guy has got a leaky faucet. So he looks under there, and sure enough, there’s a leaky faucet, along with a leaky girlfriend.

But here’s where the madness comes in. Because I’m pretty sure that this cop didn’t exist. He was just a figment of this guy’s imagination. Because there’s no cop in the world that would act as wacky as this strange cop. So it had to be in this guy’s head. Which is cool, because it made the story very fun to read.

The second story in this book is about the manager of a comedy club. A rather dark comedy club. Where they talk about fucking Jesus in the ass, and giving Satan a bloody hand job. That’s fine and dandy, but it wasn’t much of a story.

It’s just about some comedians who want to quit the gig. It’s about how comedy is just allowing people to wallow in their misery. It doesn’t solve anything. It just allows the audience to pause reality for a few seconds. To take a laughter vacation, if you will.

But thankfully, someone does at least die in this story. I was hoping that all the comedians, along with their hapless manager would just have a huge suicide pact and blow the place up or something. That would have been fun. But no, it’s really just endless drivel.

I can’t say that I’d really recommend this book to anyone. I’d recommend the first story, for sure. But the second story just ruins it. So if you want to read this book, just skip the second story. Because it’s just completely useless and pointless. It doesn’t deserve to be in the same volume as the first story. It deserves to be skull-fucked to death. Preferably in front of a cheering audience.

I’M LOOSING MY MIND! ha got you to look. Thankfuly my book was edited by a grammar natzi but my blogs arn’t. Check out my book at amazon: http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Also, check out Andrew Leon Hudson’s blog here.

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3 of 5 Teenage-Fuck-Fest Stars – Sex in the Apartment by Scarlet Cunniliffe.

This book reminds me a lot of my prepubescent years. Young kids breaking into abandoned houses to fondle each other. Even though we didn’t even know what sex was, we knew we wanted to see each other’s junk. And we sure as fuck wanted to play with that junk. Preferably some place that our parents couldn’t barge in and interrupt. Because that’s a huge boner-killer, lemme tell ya.

Sex in the Apartment is about some young teenagers who break into an abandoned military building, somewhere in London. And they turn it into their own private sex club. Even though they’re all virgins, they fondle each other madly until someone has the bright idea to stick a cock in a pussy. And they’re off to the races after that.

But it turns out that just fucking all the time gets kinda boring. So they start taking naked pictures. Pics of big dicks. Picks of wet pussies. And pics of straight-up teenage orgies. Of course what they didn’t really realize was that they were actually creating child porn. But they did soon find out that there was quite a market for what they were making. So they started selling their child porn, and made a fucking fortune.

And then, for some reason, the mob gets involved. They want porn movies. Hot underage teenage porn movies. With sexy rape scenes. And of course some chick getting banged by a dog. Because duh. The sicker the better when it comes to kiddy porn, apparently.

But instead, the kids go back to their ‘apartment’ and start thinking up fucking games. You know, like that time you stuck ping-pong balls in your pussy, and shot them across the room for all your friends to see. They cheered you on so much that you got some of your girlfriends to join in. You all gathered around a bucket and shot balls into it with your pussy, until someone finally gets a ball stuck up their twat.

Yes, that scene actually happened in this book. But then the guys get bored again, and go out and find some runaway whore who wants to get the fuck of her life. She wants to get covered in cocks and pussy and ass and jizz. On film, of course. So they do it. They have a huge fucking orgy with this sore twat as the centerpiece. And they all get high as fuck on some coke. And weed. And hell, whatever other drugs happen to be lying around.

And as this crazy orgy is going on, the poor runaway is apparently dying. I mean literally dying. As three guys are cumming in her mouth, anus, and pussy, this girl is having a fucking heart attack. And she fucking dies right there, as these guys are cumming all over her face. Good times.

The best part is when they started arguing about who was going to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. I mean the girl’s face was covered in fresh jizz. It was still bubbling up in her mouth. Gross, man. But some brave girl did come (heh come) forward and dig some of the jizz out of the girl’s mouth, and try to revive her. To no avail, of course.

So they buried her in the woods, as you do. And decided to lock up the apartment and never to return. And then they all get arrested the next day. For murdering a young girl. Or no, maybe it was for distributing child porn. No that wasn’t it either. They got arrested for trespassing on government property. Seriously, man? After all that shit they did? Come on, now.

The problem I have with this book is the complete lack of any kind of plot. It wasn’t much of a story at all. It was pretty much just porn from beginning to end. There wasn’t even any real conflict, until the very end. And of course, there was no depth at all to the characters. I didn’t give a flying fuck about any of them. The could have all died in a fucking plane crash in the end, and I couldn’t have cared less.

But that being said, I still did enjoy this book. I mean it wasn’t ‘shocking’ as the author assured me that it would be. To some, it may be shocking, but certainly not me. I mean, who hasn’t shoved a carrot up some twat? Or a huge zucchini up someone’s ass. This is not new or shocking. It’s just porn. Entertaining porn, sure. But it’s not breaking new ground. And it didn’t even give me a mild chubby. So not very good porn, really.

EAT A BAG OF DICKS! They’re like potato chips. You can’t eat just one. Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s fucking hilarious.

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3 of 5 Boring-Virgin Stars – The Vision by C.L. Talmadge.

This book is a fucking soap opera. This guy’s banging that chick. Some other guy wants to fuck some dude. And of course, there’s plenty of surprise relationships that aren’t surprises at all. Oh noes, that chick is that dude’s daughter. Who the fuck cares?

This story is mostly about royalty and politics. Some military doctor chick is tasked with saving a prince who had a heart attack. Everyone just assumed he was dead. And he was for a few minutes, but the doctor chick brought him back. Now he’s a zombie prince. Yay!

But wait, this doctor chick isn’t even royalty. What the fuck is she even doing on the grounds? That’s sacrilege! Arrest her at once! And so they do, and like a third of this fucking book is dedicated to her trial for stepping on sacred ground. A capital offense. Really? You’re gonna put some hot chick to death because she stepped foot in your secret garden? That’s fucking retarded.

Of course she’s convicted, and sentenced to death. But come on, she’s the main character in this story, and frankly, the only interesting one. She’s not going to fucking die. You can do all the preparations you want. Put her in a cold cell naked. Torture her all you want. She’s not going to fucking die. So it’s really a wasted attempt at suspense.

Because at the last second, with her head on the chopping block, her long-lost father, Lord James comes to the rescue. Yeah, I saw that coming a mile away, man. No surprise whatsoever. Lord James takes her to his large house in the country, and pampers the shit out of his long-lost daughter.

But Helen is having none of it. “Fuck you, dad! I can take care of myself, thank you very much.” But Lord James has his man-servant drug her, so she stays in bed, like a good little girl. But eventually, she heals up enough to go on being the good doctor, attending to the sick and ailing royalty.

I really didn’t like this book. Not because it was poorly written, though. It was very well written. With amazingly vibrant characters. Especially Helen. I fucking loved Helen. She had some spunk. Even though she was a virgin. Why do they always have to be virgins? Being a slut is way more interesting.

No, the reason I didn’t like this book was the fact that nothing actually happened in it. It was just gossip and rumors and politics and bullshit. Nobody died. Nobody got fucked. It was all just innuendo. There wasn’t even any real back-stabbing. I’d expect some crazy back-stabbing from a fucking soap opera, but with this story there was none. And that lack of conflict made the story boring as fuck.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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3 of 5 Clueless-Sleuth Stars – Candy, Murder & Me by Carolyn Chambers Clark.

This book was way too girly for me. I mean, every fucking chapter had some recipe for foodstuffs. Like I fucking care. I don’t even know what the fuck those recipes were doing there. What did they add to the story? Absolutely nothing. If anything, it just distracted from the story.

This book is about a murder mystery. Some ditzy woman aptly named ‘Cookie’, finds her P.I. dead in her clothing design studio. And the cops think she did it. Because the P.I. was investigating some embezzlement case that Cookie was involved in.

So, of course Cookie has to take up the P.I. business herself, and find out who really killed Mr. Falcone. Now that’s a mob name, if I ever heard one. And sure enough, the guy was seriously involved in the mob. That’s one way to get yourself killed fast. Dumbass.

Cookie goes to Mr. Falcone’s office and digs through his files, to see if she can find any leads into his murder. Mr. Falcone’s assistant helps her out and gives her some stupid ideas about how to be a good detective. You know, like getting a fucking gun, and trying not to shoot yourself with it.

The story continues on and on with Cookie and her new friend checking out all of Mr. Falcone’s recent cases. Most of which were guys trying to find out if their wives were cheating on them. Of course they’re cheating. If you think they’re cheating, they are. Period. Because they fucking hate you.

Then she comes across a case involving a chemical company that may be dumping toxic waste. So she starts investigating by breaking into their offices, and promptly gets shot at. She escapes, and nearly gets run off the road by ‘the guy with the golden tooth’, straight out of fucking James Bond.

In the end, Cookie got all the answers she needed from the bad guy. He confronted her, gun in hand, and insisted that she hand over the evidence. But no. She started singing off tune instead. Oh shit. MAKE IT STOP! PLEASE, I’LL DO ANYTHING! JUST MAKE IT STOP!. So he ended up telling her everything. Because the pain in his ear holes was just too much to take. Really? What kind of murderous pussy are you, guy? Damn.

This book reminds me a lot of the Stephanie Plum novels by Janet Evanovich. Where some ditzy broad takes up some profession she clearly doesn’t belong in. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean, just about every book out there is derivative in some way or another.

I can’t say that I hated this book. But I didn’t like it either. Which is strange, because I rather liked the Stephanie Plum novels which are quite similar. The problem I found with this book was that it was just too repetitive. And too fucking girly. And no sexual tension. It was kind of a taco fest, because there weren’t really any guys in the story. Just dead ones. And it’s hard to build sexual tension around a dead guy.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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3 of 5 Strange-Cock Stars – Tale of Two Bookends by Jessica Marie Baumgartner. Check out her WordPress blog.

This book puts an interesting twist on erotica. Why write about humans humping when you can write about demons humping? And I have to assume that these hunky demons sparkle in sunlight. Because this book reminds me a lot of those shitty Twilight books.

This book is about the incubus Dane Cook. He feeds off human energy to stay immortal. And for some reason, he has to have fresh cock at least once a month, or his sandy vagina will start to bleed. Or something like that. It’s really fucking stupid.

It’s like the author needed a reason to put Dane Cook into a three-way. Like a real life-threatening reason. Why the fuck you even need a reason, is beyond me. I mean, if you’re Dane Cook, you don’t need a reason to fuck some strange. You just do it. Because you’re Dane Motherfucking Cook, for fuck’s sake.

One day, Dane is just minding his own business, fucking strange pussy and sucking off strange cock. Then he bumps into this nerdy girl on the sidewalk. And immediately he’s obsessed with her. Nobody knows why. Even his incubus roommate is confused as fuck.

I mean how do you live for thousands of years, fucking strange ass every goddamn day, and then you just fall head-over-heels in love with some random nerdy chick? What the fuck, man? Give me a reason. Okay, so they both like books, and the girl owns a bookstore. Big fucking deal.

I need a reason why this girl is so special. Because, as far as I can tell, Jenna is just a slut. A plain, nerdy slut. Nothing special about her at all. If you’ve lived thousands of years as Dane Cook has, you’ve seen her type thousands of times. So why her?

There’s a few decent sex scenes in this book. I do like the bi-sexual angle, because I’m bi myself. But the scenes weren’t particularly unique or kinky. It’s just sex. And, apparently, it’s mind-blowing. Because this nerdy girl completely loses her mind for the very over-rated Dane Cook.

So he makes you cum. Big deal. Lots of guys can make you cum. It’s not rocket science, people. So I really don’t get the whole “Oh, you’ve made me cum. Wow. You can have me forever…” bit. Because there just isn’t any substance to their relationship.

Maybe it’s a girl thing. A fantasy. That some demon-boy will come sweep you off your feet. Make you cum. Tell you everything you want to hear. Oh you’re so beautiful. I’ve never felt this way about anybody before. No, you totally don’t look fat in those pants. Girls. I’ll never understand them.

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3 of 5 Ghost-Buster Stars – Alicia Bewitched by Nick Iuppa & John P. Mendoza.

It took me forever to get through this book. Usually it only takes me a couple of hours to read a 300 page book. But not this one. Because the first half of it was so fucking boring, I had to stop every so often, and do something else.

This book is about Alicia and her husband battling the evil James Bond villain Tiger Joy. The first half of the book is very repetitive. It’s just Alicia pining for her husband, who’s trapped in Tiger Joy’s prison.

It literally takes Alicia and her friends half the book to finally find a way to get her husband out of the prison. I really wish I had started this book at the half-way point, because after Carlos is free of his prison, the book really picks up, and finally becomes interesting.

This is a multiple-orgasm type of book. Not because it’s particularly erotic. It’s because this book has something like five goddamn climaxes. Alicia and Carlos keep having these epic battles against the evil James Bond villain. They kill her, but that doesn’t really matter. She just comes back as a ghost. Which isn’t very surprising, because Alicia herself is a ghost.

And a witch. And a shape-shifter. Wait, maybe that’s her husband. I don’t fucking know. It seems like everyone in this fucking book has some super-powers or another. Witchcraft, sorcery, alchemy, and of course doing fun ghost tricks.

Like when Alicia gives her husband head. And his cock goes through the back of her fucking skull. Because she’s a goddamn ghost. I really don’t get how the living have sex with ghosts, but somehow they manage it.

I really hated the first half of this book. But the second half made up for it. It was quite the joyride of action, once Carlos was free. Because Tiger Joy is a persistent little cunt. And she even has a sister named Kitty, who can turn into a cat and sit on Tiger’s lap, like a real James Bond villain. Isn’t that cute?

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3 of 5 Totally-Catfished Stars – Before Time by Xunaira J.

This entire book is fucking pointless. It’s just a long drawn-out mIRC conversation. It’s nearly two hundred pages, but that’s all it is. Just online chat bullshit. It just never goes anywhere. I kept hoping for something to happen in the real world, but it never did.

This story is about twenty-year-old Onaiza and her online boyfriend. Okay, he’s not really her boyfriend. He’s just some random stranger on mIRC who suddenly becomes very interested in her. Or maybe he’s not interested in her at all. Because he’s so fucking aloof.

He tells her over and over in chat that she shouldn’t care for him. That he’s a cold-hearted asshole. That she should never trust anyone on mIRC, especially not him. He tells her that she definitely should NOT tell him any of her secrets. No, anything but that. Please.

Apparently, that’s the best way to get some innocent girl to tell you everything about herself. Because that’s what she does. She immediately tells him everything about herself. How she’s an ugly fat whale. How she’s probably better off dead. Because nobody cares about her. Awwww.

Seriously, she’s such a cry baby. She sounds more like a 13-year-old than a twenty year old. I mean, I’m really not sure who’s being catfished here. Because the dude sounds like he’s probably in his forties. If he is in fact a dude. So maybe they’re double catfishing. Ha! Wouldn’t that be something?

If you don’t know what catfishing is, for fuck’s sake man, turn on the TV for once in your life. There’s a movie called Catfish which spawned a TV show that is on its third season now. It’s about people who pretend to be someone else on the internet. Sometimes they do it because they’re really in love, but are ashamed of who they really are. Other times, they just like fucking with people.

So that’s really what I assumed this story was. A catfish story. But I really couldn’t tell who was being catfished. If either of them was. Because they talked about life, and love. About sex, and orgasms. About how she’s beautiful on the inside. And how she should really lose some weight, man. Because, damn.

But nothing ever really happened. There was no conclusion at all. Except for them both telling each other off. Fine, don’t love me. I didn’t like you anyway. Oh yea? Well… Well, you’re a fat whale. So there! Neener, neener. Okay, maybe the guy isn’t some forty-year-old creep. More like ten.

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