Archive for May, 2015

Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Selfish-Cunt Stars – Every Day by David Levithan.

This is a very compelling love story. Unfortunately, that’s all it is. A love story. With its premise of an entity who wakes up in a different teenage body every day, it could have been so much more than a love story.

This entity, named simply ‘A’, wakes up one day as an asshole jock who just happens to have a sweet, beautiful girlfriend. A falls instantly in love with said girlfriend, and takes her on a fabulous, unforgettable journey to the beach.

And so begins their strange affair. As A wakes up the next day as a 16 year old girl, all she can think about is Rhiannon, the girlfriend from the day before. So, A begins to insert herself into Rhiannon’s life. Every time she/he wakes up as a different person, she finds a way to get…

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2 of 5 Kill-Me-Now Stars – It’s Just Us, Daddy by Pete Deakon, illustrations by Kaelyn Williams.

This book should have been called ‘Gettin’ High With Daddy’, or maybe ‘How to Kill Your Daddy With an Imaginary Tiger’. Seriously, those would be much more accurate titles. Because, it’s not just us, Daddy. It’s us and a bunch of fluffy monsters that totally won’t kill us.

Usually a children’s book has some kind of point, or message. A lesson, maybe. You know, what to do when you’re sad. Or, how to kill monsters, that sort of thing. But no. Not this fucking book. You’re not going to learn anything reading this thing. Unless of course you want to learn how to kill your dad with an imaginary tiger.

This book is a story about a father taking his little girl to the park. Trying their best to avoid child molesters. Wait, no that’s not in there. That would have given the story at least some kind of message. We wouldn’t want that.

No, they just go to the fucking park and start hallucinating. As you do. Oh look, there’s a dinosaur over there, playing with a beach ball. Nothing about oh, maybe you should run for your fucking life, kid. Because there’s a fucking dinosaur at the fucking park. No, that would be useful information. We don’t need that shit.

And I’m pretty sure that this little girl wants to get her poor ol’ dad killed. Because she hallucinated a tiger and tells her father to go ahead and pet it. “If it hisses, it wants you to hold him,” she says. So yea, go ahead daddy, hold the harmless tiger. It won’t eat you, I swear!

And how about that perfect sentence she uses? I know she’s just a stupid little girl, but I assume that the guy that wrote this shit isn’t a retarded little girl. So, “If it hisses…” Okay, it’s an ‘it’. Then “It wants you to hold him…” Now it’s a ‘him’? Make up your fucking mind, man. Be consistent for fuck’s sake. It’s either an ‘it’ or a ‘him’ not both. Jesus tapdancing Christ. Learn some fucking English before you write a goddamn children’s book, man.

And then some other little girl enters the park to be eaten by tigers. And I’m like, okay, we’re gonna get some substance here. Like the dad is gonna get his little girl to go befriend the other girl, so they can drag the poor thing back to their lair. Oh goodie. Finally, some action!

But no. It’s just “Hey, I used to have those same sandals you’re wearing. Like a decade ago. I mean, come on. Those are so 2004.” But she didn’t really say that. Because that would have been cool. I mean, maybe some actual conflict would happen. But we can’t have that, now can we?

I didn’t like this stupid fucking book. I definitely wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, child or otherwise. It’s just not that intriguing, man. Even a children’s book needs to be somewhat interesting, for fuck’s sake. Hell, the good ones even have conflict and resolution.

But not this one. It just has hack writing and computer-generated images. I mean, come on. How hard is it to draw these days? Seriously. Is that too much to ask? Have some actual artwork? That’s what makes children’s books so cool. But no. Denied once again. Fucking bullshit.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Dirty-Slut Stars –  d4 by Sherrie Cronin.

This book has the stupidest title. I mean, ‘d4’? What the fuck does that even mean? If someone is browsing through amazon, looking for a book to read, why the fuck would they even click on that title? It’s meaningless. It doesn’t tell me anything about the book. I don’t know how this author is able to sell any copies of this book. Maybe there’s a subliminal ‘FREE BEER’ message hidden on the cover.

This book is about a dirty slut named Ariel, who works as a liaison for an investment firm, which develops software and hardware for investors who make high frequency trades. I know, every part of that sentence is boring as shit, except for the ‘dirty slut’ part. Ariel is not, in fact, a mermaid, as one would surely assume (because of The Little Mermaid

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Glenn Hates Books

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4 of 5 Compelling Stars – The Naturals by Jennifer Lynn Barnes.

This was a very interesting book. It actually took me a couple days to finish it, because there wasn’t so much bullshit to skip like there is in many books. Just about every page in this book was part of the compelling story. There was very little filler, which I appreciated.

This book is the story of Cassie, a very observant teenager, who gets recruited into a special FBI agency. People like here are called Naturals, because they have a natural ability to profile people. This agency trains her, and others like her, to use their gifts to help the FBI catch killers.

Cassie’s mother had been abducted and/or killed. So, of course this entire novel centers around that original crime. The Naturals team end up following a case where some serial killer is killing women with red…

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4 of 5 Hot-Ass-Cyborg Stars – Valhalla by Ari Bach.

This is a very good book, full of action and intrigue. It’s set two hundred years in the future, with all kinds of cool tech and weaponry. Most people in this story are heavily modified with implants, their consciousness constantly connected to the internet. I don’t know what would be worse, the constant barrage of cat pics, or the incessant ads claiming that my penis is way too small.

This book is about Violet, a teenage girl who lost her parents in a brutal firefight. Some gang invaded their home and shot up the place. But Violet picked up a gun and blasted the shit out of the intruders, becoming famous overnight for her heroics.

So she joins the military, as you do. Because she never really knew what she wanted to do with her life. Not until she killed those gang members. Now she knew exactly what she wanted to do. She wanted to kill bad guys. Like a boss. Unfortunately, the military doesn’t take kindly to that idea.

I can relate. When I was 20 years old, I decided I wanted to join the Marines. So I took the test at the recruiting station, and it turned out I was smarter than most grunts. They decided that I belonged in the intelligence division. So I went through a bunch of interviews.

“Why do you want to join the Marines, son?” an officer asked me, in one interview.

“I want to learn how to kill people,” I responded calmly.

Shortly thereafter, I was discharged from the process, never able to join the military, because apparently, I was bat-shit insane. You see, they don’t want people who want to kill people. They want people who want to ‘save lives’ and ‘keep the peace’ etc. It’s fucking bullshit, if you ask me.

So Violet gets discharged from the military, because just like me, she’s bat-shit insane. She wins at all costs. She doesn’t take any prisoners. She is one bad-ass chick. Too bad-ass for the military. Which is fine, because apparently, there’s a place just for her, in this fucked up world.

Some agents of some secret agency approach her online and tell her of some secret mercenary outfit that wants to recruit her. Yes, they understand that she was kicked out of the military. They don’t fucking care, because they’re better than the pussy-ass military. This joint is hardcore.

Violet accepts the position, and spends literally 50% of this fucking book training with this new bad-ass crew. I get it, man. There’s so much cool tech, and weapons, and crazy fucked-up characters. That’s cool, man. But it doesn’t merit spending half the fucking book training. Go out and do shit, man. Kill some fuckers. Blow some shit up. Who wants to learn about shit, when you can just blow it the fuck up?

Well, good news, because the rest of the book is pure hardcore action. Violet’s friends get killed in action, but that’s no big deal. They just turn ’em into cyborgs and bring ’em back to life. Cool beans, man. Then there’s the walrus invasion. Yeah, watch out, man. Them walrus fuckers are coming for ya!

Violet sets her sights on the leader of the gang who killed her family. And she captures him, and puts him in a walrus cage at their Valhalla base. So every time she gets bored, she gets to go down and taunt the poor bastard. I mean, why kill him when you can just toy with him every day? It’s not like he’s going to escape, right?

So, of course, he escapes, and the base erupts in fire and mayhem as the gang leader is rescued by his people. This is why you kill the bad guy, Violet. Because those motherfuckers never die. They always come back to fuck up your life. So just put a bullet in his fucking skull. Cut his head off. Put it through a motherfucking blender. So they can’t bring that cunt back to life. But nooooo…

I really did like this story. Yes, it could have been better. It could have done with more action and less training. I mean, the training was cool, don’t get me wrong, but it went on for way too long. But I can’t really complain. I mean, there was a cyborg vagina in this book for Christ’s sake. I don’t know if I should be scared as fuck, or absolutely fascinated by that idea.

Whatever you do, DO NOT GET MY BOOK at amazon. It’s known to cause serious brain damage. And it’s fucking hilarious. You wouldn’t want that.

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Glenn Hates Books

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4 of 5 Matrix Stars – The Game by Terry Schott

This book was so compelling. It kept my eyes glued to the page, that’s for sure. I couldn’t stop reading it. I finished it in one sitting, my attention was that captivated.

The story is about The Game, which is a virtual reality simulation. It was designed to help educate children, allowing them to live complete lives within The Game. When they reach schooling age, they are allowed to jack into The Game, leaving their bodies in an induced coma, being fed by a feeding tube.

The Game is very much like The Matrix. But instead of a plot to escape The Game, it’s a story of how the player’s lives are manipulated, to create the perfect life. To get the perfect score. To be #1.

But this is a difficult task…

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Glenn Hates Books

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3 of 5 Not-Enough-Rape Stars – Happy Ever After by Matt Shaw.

This book had an interesting idea. Kidnap a girl, and force her to love you. Just tie her up in your basement, until she loves you. That’d work, right? Sure it will. Then, when she comes around, and decides to finally love you, she totally won’t chop your dick off and run for the hills. Right?

Fucking stupid. Of course she’s going to try to escape. And she’s not going to love you. She might pretend to love you, but she would never really love you. Why would you do it that way? Wouldn’t it make more sense to tie her up and just keep her as a sex slave? At least then you’d get laid, you stupid fuck.

But no. He’s got her tied up in a bedroom all this time, and he doesn’t fuck her until…

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