Posts Tagged ‘books’

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4 of 5 Sucky-Ass-Future Stars – Time Salvager by Wesley Chu.

This book is absolutely fascinating. The world and technology that the author created for this book is fucking mind-boggling. Such a staggering imagination. And yet, it’s really just a short story dragged out for four-hundred goddamn pages. I would have much rather read a condensed version of this story. Maybe a hundred or so pages. It would have been much better that way.

But no. We can’t have that, now can we? It’s got to be a full length book, or nothing at all, right? Fucking publishers. At least i have to assume it’s the publisher’s fault. I have to think that Mr. Chu wrote this amazing novella, and the publishers said, “Oh, hell no. You gotta fatten this fucker up, Chu. We aren’t gonna publish some bullshit novella. The days of Phillip K. Dick are over, mister. Get with the program.”

So Mr. Chu went ahead and skull-fucked his perfectly fine story. Fattened it up to satisfy the asshole publishers. Or something like that. I mean, it’s still a great story, don’t get me wrong. I’m glad I read the whole thing. But really, the story seemed to be over after about four chapters. Everything was pretty much done. All that was left was for the bad guys to find the good guy, and put a fucking bullet in his head.

But, even that didn’t happen, dammit. No, we’ve got to have the fucking Hollywood ending, so they can make this fucking thing into a goddamn movie. What the fuck, Chu? Write what you want, man. If Hollywood wants to skull-fuck the story, fine. But don’t skull-fuck it yourself for Christ sake. Damn.

This story is about time travel. It’s about James, a time traveling salvager. He jumps back in time to find artifacts that are worth a shit ton of cash to his current time. Of course this doesn’t make any fucking sense, because come on, man. I mean, James lives thousands of years in the future. Why the fuck is he going back thousands of years to get old-ass technology? What the bloody fuck? Don’t you think that the tech would be better in the future? Apparently not. Because this salvage operation is huge business in this particular future. Why? Nobody knows. It’s all bullshit, really.

And soon, something goes awry in one of his salvage missions. He gets the tech that he came for, and for some reason he brings along some hot scientist chick. He saves her from a huge explosion, and she ends up tagging along with James back to the future. And this is a big deal. Because that is like Time Law #1, man. You don’t bring hot bitches back to the future. That’s just not cool, man.

Why? Well, it’s because some other scientist bitch that invented time travel came up with some bullshit laws while she was drunk one night. Seriously. She was fucking drunk, and just pulled some Time Laws out of her fucking ass. Like nobody would actually take these laws seriously, right? No way. So there’s all these Time Laws that these future time travelers have to obsessively follow, for no reason whatsoever. It’s so fucking stupid.

But that’s beside the point. The point is that James is now in deep fucking shit. He can’t go back to his buddies back at Time Base Central, or whatever. Because now he’s a goddamn fugitive. He brought back an anomaly. A very hot, naughty anomaly. And now the whole future world is out to get him and his hot scientist chick.

And then James gets caught, and the anomaly gets sent back to her real-time, right? That’s what should happen, right? The end? Nope. Then there’s the whole plot thing. You see, the would in their time is falling apart. Like seriously falling apart. The ocean is just a black sludge pit. The ozone… Don’t even get me started on the goddamn ozone. It’s just fucked, okay? And this hot scientist chick has the answers to solve this global meltdown. Apparently.

What? Seriously? Some fucking scientist bitch from a thousand years ago knows how to fix the future Earth? Nobody in a thousand years has come close to solving this problem, and all the sudden some bitch from a thousand years ago knows all the answers? Fucking seriously? Come on, man. That makes absolutely no fucking sense whatsoever.

So yeah, James and the scientist bitch set up shop with some indian folk. Seriously, they’re like Native Americans, or something. They talk funny. But apparently they have the best place to hide for fugitives, because they are like totally low tech, or something. Okay, cool. So James and his girly friend set up shop there, and try to save the planet. And james does some time jumping to get supplies for the village, and science supplies for the girly. And all is happy happy joy joy horseshit. Just waiting for the bad guys to swoop in at any second and fuck up all this happy shit. Please, for the love of god, bad guys, please swoop in and fuck this shit up. Because seriously, I can’t take this shit anymore.

Then, for no apparent reason, James goes and kidnaps the scientist bitch who invented time travel. You know, because he can, or something. And that bitch goes on to tell James just how drunk and stoned out of her mind she was when she came up with the so-called Time Laws. And James is like, “What…?” And the bitch is all like, “Totally, man.”

After about two hundred or so bullshit pages of filler, the bad guys finally do catch a goddamn clue, and come raid the Native American village, where James and his two scientist bitches are hiding. And I just have to wonder, just how the fuck does it take these guys so long to find someone? I mean, it’s thousands of years in the future, man. What, they don’t have Google? They’ve got to have something nine billion times better than Google, for fuck’s sake. I mean, if the author didn’t have to come up with so much goddamn filler, to satisfy his fucking publishers, I guarantee you the bad guys would catch up with James in like twenty-four hours, max.

A huge battle ensues, of course. But all the key people live for some bullshit Hollywood reason. I mean, seriously, everyone lives happily ever after. It’s such total bullshit, it makes me sick. That bitch who actually invented time travel comes out from behind a curtain at the end of the battle and says, “Oh, hey guys. Yes, it’s me. I know, I know, you think I’m some kind of god or something because I fucking invented time travel. But come on, man. Chill. Have a beer, or something. Let’s stop fighting and just have a big orgy.”

Well, that’s more or less how it went. You know, I really make this book sound pretty stupid. And I guess a lot of it is pretty stupid. But it was still an awesome book. I loved it, believe it or not. It could have been better. It should have been better. But even as it is, it’s still a damn fine book. I’d highly recommend it.

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2 of 5 Fucked-In-The-Head Stars – Carry the Knight by Miguel Lopez de Leon.

This is a very important review. It will change your life forever, and inspire countless millions to rise up and take control of their lives. It will be the cornerstone of a new civilization. Monuments will be built because of this review. People will bow down, and praise me as some sort of oracle. For I am Glenn. And I fucking hate this goddamn book.

Of course, all of that is a lie. This isn’t an important review, just as this isn’t an important book. In fact, it’s a completely useless book. It doesn’t accomplish anything, except being full of itself.

The protagonist is a struggling writer. A fairy appears to help him write his all-important book. Because this book is special. It must be written. It will inspire people, and help the world in so many ways… Or so this so-called fairy thinks.

It doesn’t make any fucking sense why this fairy would appear to this stupid fucking writer. It’s said that no fairy, or magical creature has EVER appeared before. They hide from us. But they chose this fucktard of a writer to appear to. Why the bloody fuck didn’t they show up and tell Hitler to stop with all the fucking murder? Why now? Why this fucking loser? There’s absolutely no explanation, except for helping him finish the ‘important’ book that he’s writing.

Which is not a reason at all, considering the book the fairy is referring to is this same fucking book. Carry the Knight. Which isn’t inspirational at all. In fact it’s downright insulting to my intelligence. And that’s hard to do, considering how fucking retarded I am.

The only reason I gave this book two stars instead of one, is because there was at least some value to it. The fairy-world building was actually quite interesting. Some evil fairies come out to play, and attack the hapless writer. So his fairy guardian protects him, and builds a bubble around his apartment. And then the boss-fairy comes into the picture and negotiates a treaty with the evil fairies. And all is well.

So there’s like one percent of this book that’s worth reading. The rest of it is utter dogshit. What really kills me is the fact that this is an actual published book, and not just some self-published work. I can see someone self-publishing garbage like this, but for an actual publisher to pick up this junk just pisses me right the fuck off. It’s an insult to real writers, goddamnit.

And if this review didn’t really change your life, then you know exactly how I felt after reading this fucking book. I felt cheated. And raped. ‘Important book’ my ass. After tearing up this book and eating it piece by piece, I’m going to build a monument to it in my toilet. I’ll call it ‘Ode to de Leon’.

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2 of 5 Gay-As-Fuck Stars – Tyranny Fighters by Garry Reed.

This book is fucking retarded. Because it’s just a collection of articles that you could just read for free on the internet, if you really wanted to. I don’t know why the fuck anyone would want to read these articles, though. I only read this book because the author asked me for a ‘brutally honest review’. Probably because he secretly knew that it sucked donkey balls. I guess his family and friends are too chicken-shit to tell him.

I know, I know… I totally feel like the pot calling the kettle black, because my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1 is exactally the same fucking thing. Just a collection of articles that anyone could just read for free on my fucking blog whenever the fuck they want. But hey, at least my book is slightly amusing.

This guy’s book has very little redeeming value. They may be well written articles, but so fucking what. The articles are all pretty much the same shit over and over. They’re about this wack-job free-speech activist, Julian Heicklen. He’s some 80-year-old Tyler Durden wanna-be. Because he obsessively hands out pamphlets outside various courthouses, telling would-be jurors that they shouldn’t fucking listen to that cocksucking judge. And if the plane’s going down in flames, it’s okay to scream your fucking head off.

So it’s the true story of this stupid-ass hippy guy trying to get himself thrown in jail. Because that’s what he does. The cops come by and ask him some simple questions: “What’s your name? Do you have a permit? Do you like anal?”

To which Heicklen answers: “Fuck You. That’s my name. Of course I have a permit. It’s called the United States Fucking Constitution, motherfucker. Free-speech, dickwad. And of course I love anal. Why do you think I want to go to jail so bad?”

So he’s just a big fucking attention whore. If a cop asks you your name, you give them your real fucking name. Unless you want to go to jail and get ass raped. The only reason not to give them your name is to cause a scene, and to get ass raped.

I’m pretty sure that Heicklen was very upset when all the cases against his so-called ‘criminal’ activity got thrown out of court, and he was thrown out on his hippy old ass. Because now where’s the poor guy gonna get good anal rape? Street bums just can’t rape like those hot black guys in prison, man.

Really, the worst part of this book is the fact that it’s so repetitive. If you’ve read one of the articles, you’ve pretty much read the whole book. I’ll even spoil it for you, so you don’t have to read it at all. The hippy Heicklen flees the U.S. once Obama gets elected. He high-tails it to Israel because he’s fucking scared of that bill that allows Obama to just jail anyone he wants for no fucking reason. Indefinitely.

So, in the end, Heicklen was really scared of prison. I guess one man can only endure so much anal rape. I mean, it’s fun for a little rape vacation. A week in jail here and there. But lifetime rape… That’s something even Heicklen’s scared of. Because he’s totally not lifetime gay. He’s just short-term prison gay.

****

GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious.

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4 of 5 Whimpy-Korean-Fucker Stars – Chewy Noh and the Phantasm of Winter by Tim Learn.

For someone like me, who’s never heard of any Korean mythology, this book is very strange. I mean, who knew that there was a fucking god of the kitchen, goddess of the bathroom, and a god of the door. Yes, apparently Koreans worship the door to their bathroom. Crazy fucking wack-jobs.

This book is the second installment of the Korean retard known as Chewy Noh. Okay, he’s not technically retarded, but he’s not smart, that’s for damn sure. He’s some Junior High kid who can only pass tests at school because he’s literally got super-powers that allow him to pass any test. You know, like X-Men mutant powers.

But without his super-powers, he’s completely retarded. In this book, he soon wishes he doesn’t have super test taking skills, because his new teacher starts to think he’s cheating. She gets a total hard-on for Chewy. No, not sexually. That’s sick. No, she gets a hard-on for catching the little shit cheating.

She makes tests that no student could possibly pass. She even puts trick questions in there, that don’t even have a correct answer. But Chewy still gets a perfect score. So she gets an even bigger hard-on for him, and keeps making more impossible tests, to prove that chewy is a low-down dirty fucking cheater. You know, like all Koreans. Hey, shuddup. That’s not me being racist. That’s the author’s words right there. So, suck it.

Chewy starts getting haunted by the god of doors. Or something. He goes through the door to the bathroom at a party, and all the sudden he’s someplace else. Like it was a portal or something. Apparently, that’s what the door god does. He makes portals out of doors.

Chewy gets this bright idea. In order to trick his teacher into thinking he’s not a typical Korean cheater, he’s going to have to sneak into her office and steal the answers to the next test. He’s going to have to cheat, in order to actually prove that he’s not a cheater. As I said, he’s fucking retarded.

Then there’s the whole ‘Winter Soldier’ thing. Another ghost, who may or may not be the god of the toilet, is causing all kinds of havoc. He/she/it is terrorizing kids everywhere. Attacking them, and sending them to the hospital. So Chewy and his buddy put on their best Scooby-Doo impression, and go around trying to figure out who the ghost is, and what they want.

I’ve never been a fan of ghost stories. Because ghosts don’t fucking exist. I’ll never forget one time my next door neighbor asked me, “What do you mean, you don’t believe in god? How do you explain ghosts, then?” I gave her my most plain stare and answered, “Simple. They don’t exist either.”

But then again, monsters don’t really exist, and I love me a good monster story. And I don’t hate this book because it’s a ghost story. I don’t hate it at all, really. It’s actually quite good. It’s much better than the first story in the series.

I liked it because it had an actual story line, unlike the first book. It had a real plot. There was some actual meat on them bones. And the Korean mythology was actually quite interesting to read. But I was still hoping that one of those ghosts would totally kill poor Chewy. Because he really is the most pathetic hero I’ve ever read about.

****

JUSTIN BIEBER SUED! Damn. Why can’t the headline ever say ‘Justin Bieber Dead’? Get my book. It’s fucking hilarious. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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1 of 5 Stupid-Ass-Girly Stars – Twilight by Stephenie Meyer.

I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. And this is a classic example of a Mary-Sue, where the author puts themselves in the book as some fucking damsel in distress. She gets saved by some hot young hunk, and they get married and have a bunch of fucking babies. Classic Mary-Sue. And I fucking hate it so much.

But I don’t really hate this book because it’s a Mary-Sue. I hate it because it’s fucking stupid. A friend of mine recommended this book to me. Said I just had to read it, because it’s so amazing. I’ve since strangled that bastard and buried him in my backyard. With his bare ass poking out of the ground, so anyone can just wander by and fuck him. Because that’s what he deserves for recommending this fucking book.

Fifty Shades of Grey, which is fanfic of this book is 9000 times better than Twilight. Seriously. I’m not saying that Fifty is written better. Because it certainly isn’t. But it’s a better story that actually makes a tiny bit of sense. But sparkling vegan vampires? Seriously? Go fuck yourself, Stephenie Meyer.

The Mary-Sue in this book is Bella. A plain, boring, pathetic teenage girl, who just moved to a small town in bum-fuck nowhere. Way the fuck out in the woods, in Washington state. Reading about all her bullshit teenage angst just made me want to puke. Or punch her in the face. Because shut the fuck up, already. Stop whining, you stupid cunt. Yeah, life sucks. Welcome to your teenage years. Get over it.

She goes to her new school, and meets the most handsome guy in the world. Seriously, that’s how he’s described. “The most handsome guy in the world.” Yeah, right. This is yet another reason why I fucking hate Mary-Sue stories. Because he’s always the most handsome guy. And she’s always plain and boring. And handsome guy always wants her anyway. Why, goddamnit? Give me a fucking reason, besides this being a Mary-Sue. Just one fucking reason why Edward wants anything to do with plain old Bella.

Okay, so maybe there’s ONE reason. But still, it’s not a very good reason. He can’t read her mind. He can read everyone else’s mind, but he can’t read hers. So, she intrigues him. This actually makes sense to me. But he still shouldn’t be attracted to her. Curious, yes. Attracted, no. If he was a real vampire, he’d just take her out in the woods and rip her fucking head off. Because you can’t have bitches running around with control over you. Fuck that. That bitch has got to die.

But no. Edward can’t do that. Because he’s a fucking vegan vampire, or something. His family doesn’t eat humans. Or even kill them for sport. Where’s the fun in that? What the fuck is the point of being a goddamn vampire if you’re not killing humans for fun and profit? It’s so fucking retarded. Apparently, his family just hunt animals and shit. Like fucking bums.

It’s no wonder that the rest of the vampire community wants to kill Edward and his family. Because they’re just not normal vampires. They’re tainting the goddamn bloodline. You don’t want the rest of the vampires to start acting gay and going all vegan and shit. That would ruin the whole vampire reputation. I mean, hot bitches don’t really go for the gay-ass vegans. They go for blood-sucking, hardcore vampires.

And don’t get me started on the whole sparkly vampire shit. Vampires should fucking die in the sunlight. Period. Okay, there’s one exception. Blade. Because he’s a hybrid. I can buy that. It makes a tiny bit of sense. But just sparkling in sunlight and not bursting into flames? That’s bullshit, man.

As if there wasn’t enough fucking Mary-Sue horseshit in this story, another hot guy wants Bella for himself. A shape-shifter doggie. And seriously, he’s hotter than gay-boy Edward. And he’s really better for Bella. Because he’s not a blood-sucking monster. And he’s actually kind of manly. He fixes and rides motorcycles and shit, man. This guy is cool.

He really makes so much more sense as a boyfriend for Bella. But dammit, she’s gonna do what she wants. Because she’s a stupid fucking teenager. She doesn’t give a fuck who’s better for her. All she cares about is doing the wrong thing, because that’s what teenagers do. And Edward is so good-looking. Even though he’s evil. But, that makes him dangerous. And dangerous is sexy.

Maybe if the sexy wolf boy, Jacob, had been more dangerous, he might have had a chance. He should have kicked the shit out of Edward, and called it a day. But apparently, Jacob is kind of a pussy, even though he’s macho and manly. Because he doesn’t start shit. He just pines for Bella like a goddamn girly-boy and doesn’t do a fucking thing about it.

I know this book is popular as fuck, but I have no idea why. It’s very hard to read, because it’s filled with so much teenage emotion and angst and fucking girly shit. I guess I can understand why girls would read it. Because girls are fucking stupid. But why, oh why, would a guy read this and recommend it to me? I just don’t get it. Just for that I’m going to go out in the backyard and fuck his ass. Shuddup. It’s not gay if he’s dead.

****

GLEE RUINED MY LIFE! Because I thought I was gay, but then I watched that show. Get my book, Glenn Hates Books Vol. 1. It’s fucking hilarious.

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4 of 5 Fucking-Awesome Stars – Yes Please by Amy Poehler.

This book is fucking hilarious, which I found quite surprising. Because I can’t fucking stand Amy Poehler. She’s not funny, goddamnit. Or at least I thought she wasn’t funny. I can’t watch that horrible show Parks & Rec. It’s just so fucking bad. And I was never much of a fan of Poehler when she was on SNL. But holy shit, her writing is fucking hilarious.

This book is more of what I’d expect from an autobiography from a comedian. An actual funny account of their life. How they got to where they are today. The crazy antics from their childhood. And their journey to stardom. That wasn’t what I got from that stupid cunt-face Moshe Kasher, in his horrible book, Kasher in the Rye, which I reviewed here.

But Amy Poehler actually delivers on that promise. She chronicles her journey from being a geeky and mostly unattractive girl in school (even though she still got hit on constantly, because she’s an ugly blond girl and everyone knows that blonds are stupid and easy), to being a fucking superstar. Even though I wouldn’t really call her a superstar. Yes, she’s very successful as a comedian, and makes a good living. But Parks & Rec? Fuck that show, man.

She tells stories like the time she and her girlfriend handcuffed themselves together at school, just for the fun of it. And lost the key on purpose, just to make everyone panic. Good times, man. And all those times that she fucked up her lines at the school play. And everyone laughed, apparently. Because look at that stupid ugly blond girl, fucking up her lines. Isn’t that hilarious?

She’s very self-deprecating, which I alway find funny. I do it myself constantly. There’s a chapter in this book about the demon that lives inside her head. That demon that says “Hey you! Yes, that ugly one. You’re fucking stupid, man. Just kill yourself.” And how she had to deal with that fucking demon every goddamn day of her life. Sometimes she choses to listen to the demon, and get all depressed. But other times she tells the demon to go fuck itself. Right in the ass. Because, fuck you, demon. I’m good, goddamnit. There’s nothing wrong with me, except for the fact that I’m on a shitty TV show. So shut your whore mouth, demon. Get fucked. I gots shit to do.

There are plenty of stories in this book about the many sketch groups she was part of. All the crazy antics that goes with doing live shows every night. You know, getting drunk and blowing some strange guy you don’t even know. Because he promised you some coke if you go down hard. And hey man, a girl’s gotta have her coke now and then, you know.

The only reason I didn’t give this book a perfect 5 star rating is because Amy made the mistake of letting that no-talent hack Seth Meyers write a chapter in her book. Because apparently he offered, and she said ‘fuck yes’. Because apparently, writing a book is hard. Who knew? But seriously, fuck Seth Meyers, man. He’s a horrible writer. And he’s also even less funny than Amy. How the bloody fuck that guy has his own talk show, I’ll never understand.

But I’d still highly recommend this book to just about everyone. It really is fucking hilarious. And smart. And informative. And she even gives you good advice on sex. ‘LICK THAT PUSSY!’ Well, that’s not very much advice. But apparently, as far as she’s concerned, LICK THAT PUSSY OR GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY BEDROOM! Or something to that effect. Oh yea, and apparently her boyfriend Nick Kroll has the biggest cock in hollywood. Yes, even bigger than Liam Neeson. Hard to believe, I know.

KEVIN SMITH LOVES MY BOOK! No, not THAT Kevin. The fat one. He LOVES the cock. Get my book. Because even I’m funnier than Seth Fucking Meyers. http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

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3 of 5 Useless-As-Fuck Stars – Dark Matters: Two tales of Crime and Madness by Andrew Leon Hudson.

This book does not contain ‘two tales of crime and madness’. It’s one tale of ‘crime and madness’ and one tale of bullshit. And it’s even hard to say that the first one is about crime. There’s a murder, sure. But it’s more about love and madness really.

The first story is about a dripping faucet in some guy’s kitchen. And it’s driving him fucking insane. I’m not sure why. I mean, just fix the fucking thing. How hard is that? But no. He’s got to argue about it with his girlfriend, and stab her in the heart for no apparent reason.

And then, he figures he’d better call the cops. Because he’s done a bad, naughty, evil thing. And he should be punished, or something. So, a huge smart-ass cop comes to the door. He’s an asshole. And he notices that this guy has got a leaky faucet. So he looks under there, and sure enough, there’s a leaky faucet, along with a leaky girlfriend.

But here’s where the madness comes in. Because I’m pretty sure that this cop didn’t exist. He was just a figment of this guy’s imagination. Because there’s no cop in the world that would act as wacky as this strange cop. So it had to be in this guy’s head. Which is cool, because it made the story very fun to read.

The second story in this book is about the manager of a comedy club. A rather dark comedy club. Where they talk about fucking Jesus in the ass, and giving Satan a bloody hand job. That’s fine and dandy, but it wasn’t much of a story.

It’s just about some comedians who want to quit the gig. It’s about how comedy is just allowing people to wallow in their misery. It doesn’t solve anything. It just allows the audience to pause reality for a few seconds. To take a laughter vacation, if you will.

But thankfully, someone does at least die in this story. I was hoping that all the comedians, along with their hapless manager would just have a huge suicide pact and blow the place up or something. That would have been fun. But no, it’s really just endless drivel.

I can’t say that I’d really recommend this book to anyone. I’d recommend the first story, for sure. But the second story just ruins it. So if you want to read this book, just skip the second story. Because it’s just completely useless and pointless. It doesn’t deserve to be in the same volume as the first story. It deserves to be skull-fucked to death. Preferably in front of a cheering audience.

I’M LOOSING MY MIND! ha got you to look. Thankfuly my book was edited by a grammar natzi but my blogs arn’t. Check out my book at amazon: http://amzn.to/1wKcVK6

Also, check out Andrew Leon Hudson’s blog here.