Island of the Sequined Love Nun – is kinda fun and dirty

3 of 5 Slutty-Mary-Kay Stars – Island of the Sequined Love Nun by Christopher Moore.

This book was an interesting study of ‘What would you do for money’? Would you sell your soul to the devil? Would you help harvest organs from an unassuming group of innocent islanders? Would you create a religion, so those islanders would be happy to be ‘chosen’, and jump up on the operating table willingly?

This is the story of the wild adventures of Tucker Case. He’s an asshole. A womanizer. A drunken airplane pilot, who just happens to find himself a whore who wants to get fucked in the cockpit, at 10,000 feet. Of course, Tuck is eager to oblige, and ends up crashing his boss’s Lear jet in the process.

He also manages to impale himself on one of the levers in the cockpit, which shot directly through his scrotum, and out his penis. Good times. He’s laid up at the hospital for a few weeks, while his boss, Mary Kay – I mean, Mary Jean – tries to stop the police from filing criminal charges against him. I mistook her for Mary Kay, because that’s obviously who she’s based on. I mean, come on… She runs a cosmetic company, and flies in a gaudy pink Lear jet.

While Tuck is resting, he receives a letter from a doctor, who lives and operates on a small island in the South Pacific. The Doc offers Tuck a job, to fly another Lear jet. Even though he is well aware that Tuck’s pilot licence had been revoked. Doc assures Tuck that it doesn’t matter, as long as Tuck is able to fly the jet.

Then starts the long, unfortunate journey to the island. At least 100 pages were aloted to this journey, as flights get delayed, and hurricanes arrive, and tranny whores assure Tuck that she/he can get him to the island licketey split, on a small boat that he/she just procured.

Finally, Tuck and his tranny whoe arrive at the island, only to be stringed up in a tree, doused with pepper and salt, in preparation to be cooked and eaten by the hungry natives. But, after a while, it turns out that the old native that stared at them, hanging from the tree and simply uttered “Yum,” was just kidding.

Tuck and his tranny friend get released, and Tuck finally gets to meet the Doc that hired him. Then, he finds out that the Doc, and his wife are worshiped by the local natives as Gods. And the whole plot thing kicks in, where the Doc is actually harvesting the organs of these natives, getting paid $500k for each goddamn kidney.

Tuck is expected to fly these kidneys to Japan, and collect the fee. Bla bla bla, conflict, conflict, conflict… The story really does get a bit dull and boring in the middle.

Until Tuck is exiled from the island by the Doc. So of course, Tuck ends up rescuing all the natives from the island. He steals a 747 from a airport at Hawaii, like you do. Takes off on the runway, as the tower protests, tuck streaming into his mic, “Go ahead, try and stop me, motherfuckers!” But he didn’t say ‘motherfuckers’, because that would have been awesome, and this book really isn’t that awesome.

He rescues all the natives, and flies them off to Costa Rica. Whooptie-freaking-doo. Everyone’s happy, in the end, except for the Doc, and his ‘Priestess’ wife. Because, not only did Tuck fly off with all their willing victims, but he also blew up their clinic, which just happened to house the Priestess’ awesome shoe collection.

Overall, this book kept me reading, because of the constant conflict. Tuck was always getting in trouble. The only problem was, there were always people that helped him get out of trouble. He was never really left to solve anything for himself. Conflict is great, except when there’s an obvious answer to it. With this book, there was never a question of ‘Will he get out of this one’? Because, of course he will.

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