Dead Scary – isn’t scary at all

4 of 5 Dead-Sexy Stars – Dead Scary by Sally Gould.

One time, a friend of mine was arguing with me about the existence of God. We went back and forth for quite a while, until he asked, “Well, what about ghosts?”

“Umm, ghosts aren’t real, man” I replied.

But this book makes me wonder. Because the relationships that Adam has with ghosts seem very real. I mean, his best friend is a ghost. But this book isn’t about friendly ghosts, it’s about an angry ghost who wants his house back.

But Adam isn’t afraid. In fact, he taunts the ghost that haunts his house. “Bring it on!” he says. “Oh, you’ve got Warrior Spirits that are going to drag me out of my house kicking and screaming? Heh. Sure you do.”

But there really are Warrior Spirits. They’re like a SWAT team for the spirit world. They show up, guns blazing, and evict whomever they please. Okay, they don’t really have guns. That’d be silly. But they got flaming swords, at least. That’ll scare em!

But it doesn’t scare Adam. He knows the SWAT team is on its way, and he doesn’t care. He’s got an ace in his back pocket. His grandpa has fought ghosts for ages, and he gives Adam the advice he needs to fight off the ghostly SWAT team.

Apparently, Archangel Michael is an instant-win card for the living. All you have to do is call on him, and wham-o, Archangel Michael shows up, and saves the day. It’s a good thing too, because the SWAT team had filled Adam’s house with smoke, and covered it in ghostly ice. It was looking pretty nasty, until Archie showed up.

So, don’t be afraid of ghosts. If they’re real, you can always call on uncle Archie to help you out. Just don’t try to have a conversation with the guy… He’s kind of anti-social.

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Barney’s Choice – to do anal, or not

4 of 5 Anal-Probe Stars – Barney’s Choice by Stanislava D. Kohut.

This is an interesting short story, and it’s very well told. It’s the story of what happens when you’re given a chance to change your past. A story of fascinating aliens, who have the power to control your mind, and your body. They can wield your body like a puppet, and do with you as they please.

Barney is the captain of a spaceship, investigating the moon. Apparently, the powers that be think there may be alien lifeforms skulking about. So, Barney goes on a walkabout on the moon. He leaves his fellow shipmates behind, and goes off into the barren wasteland, to find the so-called aliens.

And so, he did. He found their ship in the middle of a huge moon crater. The tall, muscular aliens grabbed him from his perch, behind a rock. They took him to their ship, and introduced him to their beautiful female leader.

She instantly took control of Barney’s mind and body. She made him say things. She made him do things. Things he’s not proud of. And then, she decided that she’d had enough of her plaything, and she touched Barney’s forehead, and sent him back into the past, back to his old house, when he was 13 years old.

Back to when his parents were arguing. His mother was drunk off her ass, and his father was so angry that the house was so goddamn filthy. And why isn’t there food on the fucking table? Come on, clean my boots, woman! We all know how that kind of argument ends.

Apparently, in Barney’s real past, he had chosen to stay with his father. Because at least his father wasn’t a drunken floozy. But in this new past, Barney was given a choice. He sees both his futures, as his parents are arguing. He gets to view what each choice would cause.

And then, he’s back with his crew, as if nothing had happened. This really is a very creative story. I loved the descriptions of the aliens. It’s very unique. And the advanced technology of the aliens was well described, and it made me wonder if such things were possible.

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Dutchman’s Curse – is unintentionally hilarious

3 of 5 Frack-Fucking Stars – Dutchman’s Curse by Gates Watson.

I laughed my ass off while I read this book. It’s fucking hilarious. But somehow, I don’t think the author intended it to be so goddamn funny. I think he meant it to be a serious, epic space opera.

And it is an epic space opera, in a way. I mean, there’s huge space battles, and such. But it’s hard to take it seriously, when one of the main characters is a 12-year-old boy named ‘Tom Clancy’. Seriously? Out of all the fucking names you could have chosen, you chose Tom Motherfucking Clancy? Really?

So, every time I read that name, I had to chuckle. It took me out of the book, and made me realize just how utterly stupid it was. I couldn’t keep track of the story, because every time I saw that fucking name, I’d be dragged back to the real world, to laugh my ass off.

Don’t get me started on Tom Clancy’s sister. A 5-year-old girl who’s pretty much River, from Firefly. She’s special. She can talk to spaceships, and she has like superpowers or something. And her name is AnaLise.

So now, every time I read her name, it’s Anal-ise. Emphasis on the Anal. Why? I don’t fucking know why. I’m a sick fuck, or something. But I just couldn’t help myself. So again, every time I saw that name, I had to chuckle, and it took me out of the story as well.

And then, there’s the officer named Moran. He’s a fucking moron, and every time I saw his name, I read it as Moron. Again, laughing my ass off. Then, I found this line, and laughed even harder: “You aren’t paid to think, Moran.”

That’s comedy gold, right there. Oh yea, and there’s General Butthead. That one’s good for a laugh or two. And the fact that this author chose to use the whole Battlestar Galactica swear word routine. ‘Frack’ this, and ‘fracking hell’ that. You couldn’t ask for more laughs from this book, I tell ya.

All that aside, this book is about some kids who hop a ride on some warship. They seem harmless enough, but they’re not. Tom Motherfucking Clancy is a goddamn serial killer, and his sister is some strange mystic that nobody understands.

Tom starts killing everyone, as you do. His sister is taken to a faraway planet, for safe keeping, because you never know when you’ll need a mystical heir to some clan. And then the wars begin. Because some asshole stopped a wedding, and another asshole killed someone important.

Tom escapes with his buddy Moran, because even a serial killer needs some comic relief. The battleship that was trying to stop the war ends up getting blamed for killing everyone. A bounty is set on that ship, and everyone goes after it, getting themselves killed in the process.

Seriously, like 6 ships were destroyed, because of a goddamn misunderstanding. Then, all is cleared up, and the war shifts to finding and destroying Tom and his minions. There’s also some bullshit in there about trade agreements, and turf disputes. Not that I paid attention to that. I mean, who would?

I liked this book, because I literally laughed out loud several times while reading it. I hated it, because it could never keep me in the story. I was constantly drawn out by the stupid names and references. But still, it was well written. And funny, albeit unintentionally so.

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Free Radicals – has Anal Nazis

3 of 5 Anal-Begets-Anal Stars – Free Radicals by Zeke Teflon.

This book has many issues. It’s racist. It’s misogynistic. And the story is set in a world that doesn’t need to be there. It’s a strange dystopian world. All the nukes have gone off and fried everyone’s implants, because of the EMP. There are spaceships, and colonies on other planets, and none of it needs to be there.

Because this is just the story of a fucking loser. A musician named Kel, who’s wasted and drunk all the time. His wife left him, and used her political connections to get him arrested for some terrorist bullshit. Because divorce isn’t enough for this bitch. She wants to completely ruin his life. And she does a damn good job of it.

Kel goes to jail, where he’s given clothes that have Bible verses on ’em. Mostly the bullshit verses from Leviticus. So of course, Kel ends up joining a cult in the prison. Because he was tired of all the ass rape in the general population. Little did he know that the leader of the cult, The Father, required an anal sacrifice as well. Oh well. At least it was holy rape.

After all the anal rape, war broke out, and Kel and his buddies join the Anal Nazis to kill off all the inbred scum of the earth. You know, people who aren’t white. Because that’s how the Anal Nazis roll.

Kel and his friend finally do leave the Anal Nazis, because it was gettin’ hairy, man. The killing was just too much. But then, Kel and his crew are hunted by the Anal Nazis, because Kel’s tight white ass was just too fine to let go. It becomes an all-out war of Anal Freedom, as Kel fights to survive the anal onslaught.

See what I’m saying? That entire story didn’t need any kind of dystopian landscape. The story didn’t fit the world it was set in. It could have easily been set in today’s average world. That means there were huge useless sections of this book, going on about the dystopia that didn’t need to be there.

Of course, all the ‘anal’ didn’t need to be in my review, either. But it’s funny, and it made this book sound more interesting than it is. Because there’s no Anal Nazis. They’re just regular Nazis. It’s too bad. Anal Nazis sound like much more fun. Hell, that’s a good name for a band. “And now, here’s… ANAL NAZIS!”

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A Glimmer of Guile – is so Mary Sue

3 of 5 Mary-Sue-Got-Married Stars – A Glimmer of Guile by Mary Patterson Thornburg.

This book is a very standard fantasy tale. A young girl is sent on an impossible quest, with only a few friends to guide and protect her. All she has are her wits, and her ‘guile’ to carry her through her journey, to find the kidnapped prince, or whatever.

‘Guile’ is how this book refers to magic. But not everyone has guile. Most find their guile sometime near puberty. The perfect time for a life-sacrificing journey. I’m just sayin’, good thing there weren’t many boys around.

Vivia, our young heroine, gets on a ship, to travel to Maal, where this so-called prince is being kept. Or so she hopes. I mean, nobody really knows where the fuck this guy is hiding. Hell, maybe he just ran away. Young princes often do such things.

Onboard the ship, she bumps heads with the captain. He’s a big, nasty bastard, and wants to sell her into slavery, or something. One can only hope for sex slavery. Vivia, of course, takes offense at this and hatches a nifty little scheme to get the nasty bastard thrown overboard and eaten by sharks.

She uses her guile to make a phantom image of the captain, and he promptly has a heart attack, because he’s such a scary guy. Yea, right. I can see being taken aback a bit, after seeing a phantom image of yourself coming at you, but come on man. How scared can you be of yourself?

Vivia’s evil plan worked, and the ship carried on to Maal, where Vivia bumped into some shady characters who promised that they had the same goals in mind, to save the prince. But really, they wanted to kill the evil witch-bitch that ruled the land with an iron fist.

Vivia’s power grows out of control. She pretty much kills everyone. Evil, good, funny lookin’, it didn’t really matter. For a moment there, I could have sworn that she was turning into an evil bitch-witch herself, but sadly, she didn’t. She got married, and lived happily ever after. Goddamnit to hell.

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I Am Legend – bored me to tears

1 of 5 Get-Vampire-Zombie-Raped Stars – I Am Legend by Richard Matheson.

I hated this book so much. It’s pure drivel. Well, 90% of it was drivel, the last 10% was actually pretty damn cool. But I expected the whole book to be like the last 10%, full of monsters and zombies.

But no. The first 90% was full of useless horsehshit. It’s just about this guy living in an empty city. Wandering around, going on about how much his life sucks so much ass. Oh how I wish I could find someone… Please, someone answer my call.

Shut the fuck up and kill some zombies already, man. I don’t fucking care about what you had for breakfast. I don’t care about how you’re a goddamn shut-in, who rarely leaves his fucking house. Go outside, for fuck’s sake. Give me some goddamn action. Damn.

In the last 10%, he finally meets some people. They rape him in his dirty asshole, like he deserves. Because, fuck this guy. He’s just a useless fuck. I hate him so much, I want to kill him myself.

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Consumed – incest and cannibalism, oh my!

3 of 5 Sweet-Human-Flesh Stars – Consumed by Matt Shaw.

This is a very standard cabin in the woods type horror story. Which really pisses me off. It’s not the cabin in the woods that annoys me. It’s all the normal bullshit you have to wade through to get to the goddamn cabin.

Because the first half of this book is a complete waste of space. Well, that’s not entirely true. Just like a good horror movie, Shaw grips his audience from the very first page, with an excerpt of what is to come. Extreme horror. Yay!

So the first page is good, but then it drags on for another 70 or so pages, without even a hint of any more gore. Just some idiots going camping. Talking about bullshit. What should we have for dinner? Oh, did you see that flower? So pretty…

Just kill me now. I fucking hate that mundane horseshit. I’m sure some would say “Oh, but Glenn, you can’t have hardcore gore all the time. You have to build characters and such.”

I say, “BULLSHIT!” You can totally have both. Just ask Jack Ketchum, or Edward Lee, to name a few. They write stories that are crazy hardcore horror, and they even have vibrant characters to go with the story. It can be done.

It just can’t be done by Matt Shaw. I’ve read several of his books, and it always comes down to the same problem. Too much everyday life bullshit, and not enough actual story. I don’t give a fuck what your characters had for breakfast. I don’t care that the coffee was oh so wonderful. Nobody fucking cares about that shit.

But then, when Shaw finally gets down to the meat of his story, where the poor hapless strangers find a helpful family in the secluded cabin in the woods. What could go wrong? Well, everything…

The hapless dude’s girlfriend gets literally eaten for dinner. While she’s still alive. Naked, and tied to the dining room table. Apparently these folks prefer their human meat fresh off the bone.

One of the cannibal girls corners the poor hapless guy. She seduces him. Gets him nice and hard. Goes down on his cock, and literally swallows it whole. After she bites it off at the base, of course.

So yes, good times were eventually had at the cabin in the woods. It just took way too long to actually get there.

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The Melding of Aeris – isn’t quite bestiality

3 of 5 Man-Beast Stars – The Melding of Aeris by D. Wallace Peach.

This is a strange book. It’s very brutal. People are skinned alive, and ‘melded’ with animals. Because human skin is so valuable. So all the poor people get skinned. This world is filled with human-beasts, covered in fur.

The few brief sex scenes in this book kind of freaked me out, because it’s like bestiality. Imagine banging a woman who has cat eyes, and wolf’s fur. Okay, so it’s kind of a turn on. I mean, if you’re into ‘furries’, which some people are.

I don’t get the whole dressing up as animals thing. How do people find that sexy? It’s just weird and creepy. But having a woman who actually has silky fur all over her body? That’s hot. Or am I just sick and perverted? Yeah, that’s probably it.

But I digress… This book is about a man named Aeris who gets melded, because he’s a poor ass bum. They skin him alive and replace his skin with wolf’s fur. And a bit of goat. Maybe a squirrel or two, for flair. This really pisses him off. He swears revenge, and learns how to fight, to get back his precious human skin.

Aeris starts a rebellion. He wants to end the skinning. The only way to do that is to destroy the Pathway, or whatever… It’s some magic thingy. This part of the book confused the living shit out of me. I mean is it magic, or is it surgery? What the fuck the whole Pathway thing was, I never fully understood. But it’s like bad or something.

So they assault the thingy. Lots of sword fighting and such. Harsh words were spoken, and some magic seeds were destroyed. Or something. My brain hurt while reading this bit. I just didn’t get it.

This book was well written, but it needed to be simpler. There’s no need for any kind of magic in this story. The Pathway, and the seeds, and all that happy horseshit didn’t need to be there.

Because in the end, it’s just evil guys doing evil shit. Skinning people alive and all that. So, just kill those motherfuckers. End it. That’s all that needed to happen. Everything else just muddled the story, and made it painful to read.

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Days of Throbbing Gristle – it’s what he calls his penis

2 of 5 Throbbing-Gay-Cock Stars – Days of Throbbing Gristle by Kevin Cole.

I don’t know why, but when I read young adult fiction from a guy’s perspective, it always seems like they’re just whiny little bitches. Like Catcher in the Rye. A whiny ass bitch. It’s Kind of a Funny Story, yet another whiny ass bitch. And this book follows that same trend. Why? I have no fucking idea.

I mean, seriously… Why the fuck can’t authors write about interesting characters? Why do they always have to be whiny ass bitches? It’s fucking stupid. It’s even more stupid, when it’s 800 some pages of whiny ass bitch, which is what this book is.

It’s the story of some young English faggot, who travels to Texas as an exchange student. He doesn’t waste any time. He starts sucking dick right away. Cuz that’s how you do it in Texas, apparently. I might have to visit that fine state some day.

The young lad decides that he’s not 100% gay, and goes looking for a girlfriend. This is a hard (heh, I said ‘hard’) thing to do, when the whole community has first hand knowledge of your fine dick-sucking abilities. Word gets around, man.

So he cries like a little girl, because nobody will love him. He smokes a bowl, snorts some coke, drinks some beers, and sucks some more cock. Because hey man, stick with what you’re good at.

Somewhere along the line, he comes to the conclusion that love is bullshit. Because everyone is just out for themselves. Girls just want to be popular. They want to drink, and get high, and hang out with the cutest guys. Guys, on the other hand, just want to get laid. Period. Nothing fancy. Just gimme some goddamn pussy.

But love? There is no love. At least there’s none to be had for this poor English faggot. Because lets face it, nobody wants to hang out and get drunk with a whiney ass bitch.

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Buried Within – isn’t as gay as I’d hoped

3 of 5 Not-Nearly-Gay-Enough Stars – Buried Within by Pete Deakon.

From the cover of this book, I expected it to be some sort of gay love-fest. With hot young guys fucking in the forest, beside the road. But unfortunately, that’s not what this book is. In fact, there’s absolutely no gay butt-banging in this book. So sad.

Instead of highway butt-bandits, this book has a murder mystery. And a love story. It’s funny to me that the love story part is every man’s fantasy. You see an absolutely beautiful woman across the bar. You walk up to her and say, “Wow. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Mind having dinner with me?”

That’s a fantasy, because that would never work. Unless the guy was also some hot hunk. Then, there’s really no need for pleasantries at all. Just, “Hey, lets fuck.” And so it goes. But with some average Joe? No fucking way. That shit don’t work.

It’s much more likely that the woman would give you a disgusted look and say something like, “Seriously? Did you just say that? Did you really think that would work? Get out of my face, faggot.”

But no. This beautiful woman takes his compliment in stride, and says some bullshit like, “You think I’m beautiful? Really? How sweet. Of course I’ll have dinner with you.” Please. Right there, this book took me out of a plausible story, and into fantasy land. Life is just never that simple.

So this random guy, and this hot chick have a wonderful life together. Everything is perfect. Then, some other random guy kills the beautiful girl. Because he’s crazy, or something. He saw her in a store, and thought, “Hey, I wonder what would happen if I asked that girl out on a date?”

But in crazy-boy’s world, reality kicks in. He knows he’d just get slapped upside the fucking head. This girl isn’t gonna give him the time of day. So, why bother asking her out? Just bash her face in with a hammer, and have your way with her. Okay, maybe not the face. Then, you’d have to put a bag over her head when you banged her corpse. We don’t want that, now do we?

Poor random guy is so sad when he finds out his wife got killed. So he quits his job, and goes after the killer himself, because apparently, the cops in his town are a complete fucking waste of space.

This is a decent book. It’s well written, and has some interesting characters. I only wish there was more killing. I mean, only one decapitation? Come on, man…

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