I Am Legend – bored me to tears

1 of 5 Get-Vampire-Zombie-Raped Stars – I Am Legend by Richard Matheson.

I hated this book so much. It’s pure drivel. Well, 90% of it was drivel, the last 10% was actually pretty damn cool. But I expected the whole book to be like the last 10%, full of monsters and zombies.

But no. The first 90% was full of useless horsehshit. It’s just about this guy living in an empty city. Wandering around, going on about how much his life sucks so much ass. Oh how I wish I could find someone… Please, someone answer my call.

Shut the fuck up and kill some zombies already, man. I don’t fucking care about what you had for breakfast. I don’t care about how you’re a goddamn shut-in, who rarely leaves his fucking house. Go outside, for fuck’s sake. Give me some goddamn action. Damn.

In the last 10%, he finally meets some people. They rape him in his dirty asshole, like he deserves. Because, fuck this guy. He’s just a useless fuck. I hate him so much, I want to kill him myself.

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Consumed – incest and cannibalism, oh my!

3 of 5 Sweet-Human-Flesh Stars – Consumed by Matt Shaw.

This is a very standard cabin in the woods type horror story. Which really pisses me off. It’s not the cabin in the woods that annoys me. It’s all the normal bullshit you have to wade through to get to the goddamn cabin.

Because the first half of this book is a complete waste of space. Well, that’s not entirely true. Just like a good horror movie, Shaw grips his audience from the very first page, with an excerpt of what is to come. Extreme horror. Yay!

So the first page is good, but then it drags on for another 70 or so pages, without even a hint of any more gore. Just some idiots going camping. Talking about bullshit. What should we have for dinner? Oh, did you see that flower? So pretty…

Just kill me now. I fucking hate that mundane horseshit. I’m sure some would say “Oh, but Glenn, you can’t have hardcore gore all the time. You have to build characters and such.”

I say, “BULLSHIT!” You can totally have both. Just ask Jack Ketchum, or Edward Lee, to name a few. They write stories that are crazy hardcore horror, and they even have vibrant characters to go with the story. It can be done.

It just can’t be done by Matt Shaw. I’ve read several of his books, and it always comes down to the same problem. Too much everyday life bullshit, and not enough actual story. I don’t give a fuck what your characters had for breakfast. I don’t care that the coffee was oh so wonderful. Nobody fucking cares about that shit.

But then, when Shaw finally gets down to the meat of his story, where the poor hapless strangers find a helpful family in the secluded cabin in the woods. What could go wrong? Well, everything…

The hapless dude’s girlfriend gets literally eaten for dinner. While she’s still alive. Naked, and tied to the dining room table. Apparently these folks prefer their human meat fresh off the bone.

One of the cannibal girls corners the poor hapless guy. She seduces him. Gets him nice and hard. Goes down on his cock, and literally swallows it whole. After she bites it off at the base, of course.

So yes, good times were eventually had at the cabin in the woods. It just took way too long to actually get there.

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The Melding of Aeris – isn’t quite bestiality

3 of 5 Man-Beast Stars – The Melding of Aeris by D. Wallace Peach.

This is a strange book. It’s very brutal. People are skinned alive, and ‘melded’ with animals. Because human skin is so valuable. So all the poor people get skinned. This world is filled with human-beasts, covered in fur.

The few brief sex scenes in this book kind of freaked me out, because it’s like bestiality. Imagine banging a woman who has cat eyes, and wolf’s fur. Okay, so it’s kind of a turn on. I mean, if you’re into ‘furries’, which some people are.

I don’t get the whole dressing up as animals thing. How do people find that sexy? It’s just weird and creepy. But having a woman who actually has silky fur all over her body? That’s hot. Or am I just sick and perverted? Yeah, that’s probably it.

But I digress… This book is about a man named Aeris who gets melded, because he’s a poor ass bum. They skin him alive and replace his skin with wolf’s fur. And a bit of goat. Maybe a squirrel or two, for flair. This really pisses him off. He swears revenge, and learns how to fight, to get back his precious human skin.

Aeris starts a rebellion. He wants to end the skinning. The only way to do that is to destroy the Pathway, or whatever… It’s some magic thingy. This part of the book confused the living shit out of me. I mean is it magic, or is it surgery? What the fuck the whole Pathway thing was, I never fully understood. But it’s like bad or something.

So they assault the thingy. Lots of sword fighting and such. Harsh words were spoken, and some magic seeds were destroyed. Or something. My brain hurt while reading this bit. I just didn’t get it.

This book was well written, but it needed to be simpler. There’s no need for any kind of magic in this story. The Pathway, and the seeds, and all that happy horseshit didn’t need to be there.

Because in the end, it’s just evil guys doing evil shit. Skinning people alive and all that. So, just kill those motherfuckers. End it. That’s all that needed to happen. Everything else just muddled the story, and made it painful to read.

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Days of Throbbing Gristle – it’s what he calls his penis

2 of 5 Throbbing-Gay-Cock Stars – Days of Throbbing Gristle by Kevin Cole.

I don’t know why, but when I read young adult fiction from a guy’s perspective, it always seems like they’re just whiny little bitches. Like Catcher in the Rye. A whiny ass bitch. It’s Kind of a Funny Story, yet another whiny ass bitch. And this book follows that same trend. Why? I have no fucking idea.

I mean, seriously… Why the fuck can’t authors write about interesting characters? Why do they always have to be whiny ass bitches? It’s fucking stupid. It’s even more stupid, when it’s 800 some pages of whiny ass bitch, which is what this book is.

It’s the story of some young English faggot, who travels to Texas as an exchange student. He doesn’t waste any time. He starts sucking dick right away. Cuz that’s how you do it in Texas, apparently. I might have to visit that fine state some day.

The young lad decides that he’s not 100% gay, and goes looking for a girlfriend. This is a hard (heh, I said ‘hard’) thing to do, when the whole community has first hand knowledge of your fine dick-sucking abilities. Word gets around, man.

So he cries like a little girl, because nobody will love him. He smokes a bowl, snorts some coke, drinks some beers, and sucks some more cock. Because hey man, stick with what you’re good at.

Somewhere along the line, he comes to the conclusion that love is bullshit. Because everyone is just out for themselves. Girls just want to be popular. They want to drink, and get high, and hang out with the cutest guys. Guys, on the other hand, just want to get laid. Period. Nothing fancy. Just gimme some goddamn pussy.

But love? There is no love. At least there’s none to be had for this poor English faggot. Because lets face it, nobody wants to hang out and get drunk with a whiney ass bitch.

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Buried Within – isn’t as gay as I’d hoped

3 of 5 Not-Nearly-Gay-Enough Stars – Buried Within by Pete Deakon.

From the cover of this book, I expected it to be some sort of gay love-fest. With hot young guys fucking in the forest, beside the road. But unfortunately, that’s not what this book is. In fact, there’s absolutely no gay butt-banging in this book. So sad.

Instead of highway butt-bandits, this book has a murder mystery. And a love story. It’s funny to me that the love story part is every man’s fantasy. You see an absolutely beautiful woman across the bar. You walk up to her and say, “Wow. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Mind having dinner with me?”

That’s a fantasy, because that would never work. Unless the guy was also some hot hunk. Then, there’s really no need for pleasantries at all. Just, “Hey, lets fuck.” And so it goes. But with some average Joe? No fucking way. That shit don’t work.

It’s much more likely that the woman would give you a disgusted look and say something like, “Seriously? Did you just say that? Did you really think that would work? Get out of my face, faggot.”

But no. This beautiful woman takes his compliment in stride, and says some bullshit like, “You think I’m beautiful? Really? How sweet. Of course I’ll have dinner with you.” Please. Right there, this book took me out of a plausible story, and into fantasy land. Life is just never that simple.

So this random guy, and this hot chick have a wonderful life together. Everything is perfect. Then, some other random guy kills the beautiful girl. Because he’s crazy, or something. He saw her in a store, and thought, “Hey, I wonder what would happen if I asked that girl out on a date?”

But in crazy-boy’s world, reality kicks in. He knows he’d just get slapped upside the fucking head. This girl isn’t gonna give him the time of day. So, why bother asking her out? Just bash her face in with a hammer, and have your way with her. Okay, maybe not the face. Then, you’d have to put a bag over her head when you banged her corpse. We don’t want that, now do we?

Poor random guy is so sad when he finds out his wife got killed. So he quits his job, and goes after the killer himself, because apparently, the cops in his town are a complete fucking waste of space.

This is a decent book. It’s well written, and has some interesting characters. I only wish there was more killing. I mean, only one decapitation? Come on, man…

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Netscape Time – was such a scam

3 of 5 Billion-Dollar-Con Stars – Netscape Time by Jim Clark.

The first time I read this book, it was 1999. Back when internet startups were all the rage, and any retard that started one made billions of dollars.

Seriously? Even Netscape? Yup. It was just a fucking browser. And at the time, it was the shittiest browser on the market. Internet Explorer was better than Netscape, for fuck’s sake. When Firefox first came out, it was light-years ahead of Netscape.

But did Firefox make billions of dollars? Fuck no. Firefox was actually useful. Nothing useful ever makes money. Just ask Nicola Tesla. He’ll tell ya all about useful things that he invented and never got a dime for.

Netscape was bullshit. The company didn’t make anything that was worth one goddamn cent, but it made these motherfuckers billionaires. Because they knew how to con the public, and the stock market. That’s all Netscape was, in the end. One big, billion dollar con.

But Jim Clark made this book fascinating. He made the Netscape con read like a Hollywood blockbuster. This guy knows how to take advantage of the next big thing. It’s Jim Clark’s wheelhouse. He started Silicon Graphics, he helped start Netscape, then he started WebMd.

I’m sure this jackass has started several more companies since. Because, why not? When you’re a billionaire, making money becomes just a hobby. It doesn’t even matter anymore if his companies are successful. It’s just a game to him now.

It sickens me, really. I mean, I love this guy. Jim Clark is my fucking hero. But at the same time, I want to punch his stupid fucking face. Because he just can’t lose. He couldn’t lose if he tried. And it pisses me off so much.

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This Book Is Full of Spiders – aaaahhhahahah nooooo!

5 of 5 Zombie-Spider Stars – This Book Is Full of Spiders by David Wong.

This is the sequel to John Dies at the End. It’s about a small town being taken over by demons and crazy spider-looking things.

I am scared to death of spiders. I did not want to read this book. But since it’s the sequel to one of my favorite books, I just had to read it. And I couldn’t put the fucking thing down. I loved it just as much as John Dies at The End, if not more.

It’s filled with the same type of crazy drug-infused antics as the first book. If you asked me to describe the plot to you, I would just give you a catatonic stare, like a crazy person. Because I couldn’t wrap my brain around what was happening in this book. My eyes were glued to the pages, and I had no idea why. It’s like the fucking thing put me in a trance, or something.

None of this book makes any sense. But that didn’t matter, because every sentence was a fascinating read. I just don’t have the words to describe the story. It’s complete insanity from beginning to end. And I fucking loved it.

But did it really have to be about spiders? Come on, man. Fuck spiders. While reading this book, I had to keep telling myself “Don’t worry, man. They’re just fictional spiders. They can’t hurt you.” Like it was a mantra or something.

Indiana Jones had it wrong. Snakes? I can deal with snakes. But spiders? HOLY SHIT, MAN! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Goddamn, I’m such a fucking pussy.

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Broken Angels – makes me wanna fly

4 of 5 Not-Totally-Gay Stars – Broken Angels by Richard K. Morgan.

The sexy man-beast Takeshi Kovacs is back in action, for yet another adventure! Yay! Get that sexy hunk a stripper pole to dance around. Don’t bother with the g-string. Just let that hot wang flap in the breeze for us all to drool over.

Damn. That sounded gay. I’m not 100% gay, okay? But goddamn. I’m 90000% gay for Takeshi Kovacs. I guess it’s because he’s just so good at what he does. He always wins. If it’s mind games, a sword fight, a shootout, or a straight-out brawl, Kovacs will win every time. Because he’s just that fucking good.

Okay, enough of my drool…

This book is about Kovacs teaming up with yet another group of mercenaries, to recover an important alien artifact. You see, pretty much all of the high-tech stuff in their world, they stole from the aliens.

The problem is, those aliens were smart as fuck, and they put fun little booby traps in and around most of their artifacts, to wreak havoc with any fool who tries to snatch up such valuable items.

It’s crazy, because all the aliens are long past dead. Like centuries past dead. But their ghosts haunt the artifacts. Not real ghosts, of course. That’d be silly. I mean hologram type ghosts and such. Defense ghosts.

This story isn’t quite as good as the other Kovacs books, simply because there’s much less anal porn. Hardly any fucking at all happens in this book. It’s so sad. How can anyone deny such a hunky man-beast?

Dammit. Now I’ve got to go scour the interwebs for hot Kovacs slash fic. Because he’s so heterosexual in these books, that it actually offends me. How dare you keep that huge cock, just for the womens. How dare you!

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Tropic of Cancer – is a writer’s wet dream

3 of 5 Hardcore-Porn Stars – Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller.

Apparently, Henry Miller was the Hank Moody of his time. And if you don’t know who Hank Moody is, go watch Californication for fuck’s sake. He’s a fucking rock star of a writer. He gets all the pussy. Does all the blow. And he has a huge cock, like all rock stars do.

This book made me want to be a writer. I mean, many books have inspired me to write, but none other promised so much unending pussy. And anal. This book made the life of a broke and starving writer seem so bloody awesome.

But maybe it had less to do with the idea that writers get all the pussy, and more to do with the fact that this book is set in Paris, France. Because everyone knows that French girls are freaky sluts.

There wasn’t much of a story in this book. It’s not really a story. It’s just the rantings of a sex-crazed writer. I don’t know if you can even call it fiction, because it actually is the story of Miller’s life in Paris.

He sort of blends fact and fiction. Like yes, he did walk down to the corner store to get some milk. But he didn’t really get blown by a 14 year old girl on his way there. Those little details don’t really matter, do they?

It makes me wonder if any of the crazy sex in this book actually happened. I think it’s more likely that he didn’t get laid at all. He was just writing this book and started fantasizing. I mean, why write about how bloody depressed I am? How about writing about some girl fellating me, while I write this epic masterpiece? Yeah. That’s hot.

It’s funny to me that a lot of the best writers of our time are just glorified pornographers. Because that’s what this book is. It’s just porn, from beginning to end. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good porn. It’s literary porn. So you can feel all smart and stuff while you’re jackin’ it.

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Magic Artinia – isn’t magic at all

3 of 5 Super-Bored Stars – Magic Artinia by Alina Grigorovitch

This book is very strange. It’s like a homework assignment. Like the teacher said, “Okay class, I want you to write a story about a unique world. A complete planet, separate from our own.”

In that respect, I’d have to give this author a C-. She created a unique world, sure, but she cheated. All she did is take the Earth, and everything about it, and change a few minor details. Like God. Their God is the same as ours, but it’s Bob. Like, “Bobdamnit!” or “For Bob’s sake, stop being such a cunt!”

And then there’s Diet Coke, or as this world calls it, ‘Diet Crack’. Apparently all soda-pop is referred to as Crack. Not as a joke. I mean, that’s what the fucking government calls it. They have food laws and shit. “You’re only allowed one can of Crack per day…”

Another reason that this book is sub-par, is because of its complete lack of anything resembling a fucking story. It’s like the author spent so much time coming up with her so-called ‘unique world’, that she forgot to actually include a story. Because this book is like a long episode of Seinfeld. It’s pointless. It’s about nothing. It just goes on and on about the normal, every-day life of people on this planet. Nothing interesting happens. Just people going to work. Going on a vacation to Hawaii. Going to school. Who gives a flying fuck?

Oh, but some of these perfectly boring people can actually fly! It’s part of this whole ‘unique world’ thing. People of this planet have what they call ‘tokens’, which are super-power like abilities. Everyone has a token. Some can fly. Some can see really far. Some can do math really well. Some can time travel. And some can bang your mom. Because seriously dude, your mom is nasty.

Okay, fine. An entire world filled with people who have super-powers. Wow, this should be good, right? I mean, with all those super-powers, something cool has got to happen, right? Not even, man. For some reason, nobody really uses their super-powers. Because for them, tokens aren’t really super. Your token is more like a zit on your forehead. You don’t really want to show it off to everyone. In fact, most people of this world hide their tokens, out of embarrassment.

What the fuck? Why do authors have to skullfuck their ideas so much? You create a world full of super-heroes and super-villains. There should be non-stop action, for fuck’s sake. But no. It’s just filing these papers. Getting some coffee. Chatting up some cute girls. Oh. My. Bob. Come on…

There should be so much more action in this fucking book. Not that there has to be non-stop action, mind you. You can make a perfectly good story without any real action at all. Just make it interesting. Have characters that someone might actually give a shit about. Is that so hard? Am I asking too much? I think not.

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